Helping 10 Year Old Son Except New Man in Mom's Life

I know that this isn't the kind of advice that you're wanting to hear but in my opinion it would be best for your son if you waited until he turned 18 and was out of the house before you started seeing someone, and especially before you start making plans to get married. By bringing another man into his life, you are making him feel much less important, especially at the age of 10. The statistics for 2nd marriages (esp. w/children involved) aren't good. You haven't known this man very long...not even a year. Why are you so willing to sacrifice your son over this relationship? How would this affect him down the road (say 3 or 4 years) when you and this new guy decide that you're incompatible and divorce? How does your son benefit from having a new dad, and in particular this one? Are you thinking mostly of your son when making these decisions? Or are you mostly caught up in the good feelings that come w/the newness of dating?

Again, I know that this isn't a popular opinion, and probably the last advice that you'd want to hear but I really believe that these are all things that need to be considered before deciding to date or marry. I wish you well on the decisions that you make and hope that you really do make your son an important part of the decision process, and not just an afterthought that you need to train to accept your decisions.

I agree with everything Sheila C said about waiting until your son is 18 to date. There is no aspect of this situation that was brought on by a single decision your son made. He is an innocent victim in all this. His feelings should be your number one consideration. It's easier to brush his needs aside because he has no power. But since you did not delay your own gratification ealier in life, you need to do this now for your son's sake. You will not be able to find joy, anyway, in a situation that does not make your son happy. He is completely at your mercy and if he is not happy you will know that it continues to be a result of your own decisions.

I'm sure that sounds harsh but I am not giving you advice that I am not willing to take myself. We live in a world that wants to eliminate consequences for decisions. That is an imaginary way to want to live. The consequences will come. It's just a matter of whether we take the consequences of our own choices or unload them on our children.

I know how hard your situation can be. Iam also a divorced mother with two boys. And I just recently got remarried to another man. It was hard at first for my two boys and they are only 5 and 3 but it was still confusing for them. Anyway keep talking to your son about it and maybe try to have your new man spend some good quality time with him as well. Dont just sweep it under the rug as if nothing is wrong. Keep things open so your son can feel free to come and talk to you about anything. I was also a step child and had personaly been in this situation my self. There were some situations where I felt pushed aside and not important. I felt as if the boyfriend was more important than me. So just keep an open and honest relationship with him. And let him know that your boyfriend is not there to replace his dad but to just be his friend and reassure him that he is still very important and he comes first. Just give it some time for him to feel ok with it. He will come around. Good Luck with everything.

I would encourage boyfriend and your son to spend time together doing things your son likes. Time without you. Start simple and small at first. I am in a blended family and it is always a challenge but my son and husband have gained a lot of ground. It is very important that you keep a united front with everyone, but hard to do.

It takes time and a lot of patience. You may even want to try some family therapy.

HI S., I also am divorced with a 10 year old son (and a 5 year old son as well). My older boy reacted in a similar fashion when I started dating. I was told, and this made sense to me, that boys will almost take on the role as man of the house and protector of their mother, instead of seeing themselves as the child in the family. I think this can be especially possible if it is an only child. I think you need to let your son know that you love him, but you are his mother, and he is your son, not your husband. He also probably wishes you and his father would get back together, and this new man is a significant threat to that wish. I would keep talking with him about it, and seek help for him through counseling if possible. Good luck.

S., I just read some of the other responses you received, and all I can say is, if you are not happy, your son won't be either. I so strongly think it would be a BIG BIG BIG mistake to put your own life and happiness on hold to "sacrifice" yourself for your son. That is not sacrifice, that is self denial. When you deny yourself, you can not make others happy either. I have now been dating someone for almost two years, and it took a while, but my kids adore him and keep begging us to get married, which we probably will. Sometimes life is full of pain and disappointment. That is unfortunate, but if we try to shield our children from all of that, they won't be able to handle real life challenges as an adult.

I also agree with Sheila C. and I hope you will stop dating until your son is 18. Your son has already lost his intact home and will probably mourn the loss of his married parents for the rest of his life. Divorce is very hard on children, even when it seems to the adults that the kids are "fine" and "adjusting well." Your son needs your (and your ex's) full attention during the next 8 years. Your happiness should come second to your son's.

Keep trying to talk with your son. If possible have your new "man" take your son and do something your son enjoys. You may want to go along the first few times. Try to talk, if possible, to his father and let him know the importance of your son learning how to allow, develop and keep relationships other than his mom, dad and kids his age. You may want to talk to your son's school, many schools have counselors to work with children. You can also look into counseling on your own. Your son may very well feel that accepting your new man is being disloyal to his father. He needs to learn that is not true. This new man is not taking his father's place, he is adding his own place in your son's life. Good luck!

Is it possible to have dad talk to your son? That would definatly help, I would think dad would be willing in helping his son adjust, but who knows.

It's very important that they get to know each other on a more individual level, not just as mom's new man, but for the man he is. Do things togather, allow your son some leway when it comes to attitude w/ new guy, just gently remind him that his actions/tone/manners ect, aren't ok no matter who it is. I know you may not want to hear this but your relationship may need to slow down a little just to give him a little time to adjust to the new situation. Thats really all I got but good luck.

S.,
What is the relationship of you and your ex? MY thought is to ask your son's dad to talk to him. I know my ex would be willing to do so, and we are close enough that he would be gracious to me as well. My son is only 7 and he wants me to date, he wants that man in his life. BUT is adamate that I cannot get married since I am married to his dad. Boys also tend to get territorial of their moms. Maybe ask your son what is bothering him- kids sometimes see things that we as adults do not. They are ALWAYS worth listening to

Someone said wait til the child is 18, thats crazy.
I dont think you should continue to push the fact that your son accepts him. My daughter is 5 and her father is basically a deat beat she talks to him maybe once a month. A few years ago when she was around 2 or 3 I started dating and she slowly started to warm up to him. I never pushed the issue of her having to like him. We would all do fun things toghter and take her to her favorite places and I would always make time for just her and I.
Now 3 years later she is closer to him than her Dad
and she understand he is not her dad. I think it important for you to be happy, and you do not have to wait until your child is an adult to persue your love life. Just remember your child is always #1.

Guys (even 10 yr old guys) don't like to talk things out. They prefer to just deal with it and move on.

Make a point to spend alone-time w/ your son. One night a week or an hour a day - just make sure it's his time. Don't go on and on about your new bf....but do confide in your son. When you get home from a date, tell your boy what you did and that being w/ bf really made you happy. Point out one thing about your bf that you really like and then drop it..and tell your boy that you're happy to see him.

Your boy lost his dad...he prolly feels like he's losing his mom, too. Include him. Don't talk it into the ground.

my dad died when i was 12 and my mom remarried when i was 14. i had a hard time with the flirty way my mom behaved when she was dating and especially her starry-eyed engagement behavior. i think she thought it had to do with me not liking my step-dad. i liked him just fine, but my relationship with my dad was important, so anything she did to pay less attention to my dad than she had before (like not celebrating his birthday anymore, even though he was dead) was bothersome to me, no matter how much sense it actually made. on some level i understood that it was time for her to move on and that she deserved to be happy, but i often felt like she forgot about us because she found this new joy. i don't think you should push your son to talk about it if he doesn't want to. just let him know that he can share any of his feelings with you whenever he wants. then try hard not to get so focused on your new love that you don't notice your son. we still make fun of the time when my parents were engaged and i was asking my mom a question while she was gazing at my step-dad -- i even tapped her on the arm-- but it was my step-dad who had to say to her, "your daughter is speaking to you." then she noticed me and turned around. so just be aware of how you have changed around this new guy. at that time in my life i just wanted things to be stable and my mom's behavior change was frustrating.

I wonder, are you and your ex are on "good" terms with eachother? I ask because maybe your son IS feeling like he doesnt want to have to "replace" his dad with another man... maybe if you are on good terms with the ex you could talk to him. Let him know your concern and see if he could talk to your son and let him know that is is ok to let this new man in his life. If your son knows (from his dad) that their relationship will not be damaged and that dad is ok with you having and this new man, your son might be more apt to accept your new love.

My sons were that age when I started dating again. I found them to be excellent barometers of character quality. If they didn't like them I soon found out that they not worth dating.
One thing your son needs to know is that you love his father and that you will love him forever because he is the father of your child. If he thinks you don't love him that means there is something wrong with the son, "if there is something unlovable about Dad, then there is something wrong with me", if you can just stop loving Dad will you someday stop loving me?" Once I established with my children that I loved and would always love their dad they were comfortable knowing also there's no way that means we have to live together or stay married. Then they didn't even want us to consider getting back together because they really knew how miserable everyone was.
Love him? Yes, no doubt about it. if not for him I would not have 3 marvelous wonderful children!
I am married now 10 years to a man I almost let my children pick out for me. One of the really "nice guys". I was getting annoyed with him, and my kids wanted me to marry him. They could see that he treasured me and knew that he would take care of me and treat me like a princess! I have had the best 10 years of my life. Today is our anniversary. The annoying part disappeared the minute we got married.
My advise, find one of the "nice guys" that no one else wants, and find someone who your son is impressed with.

My situation is just a bit different. My 10 year old son doesn't have a relationship with his real dad and his step-dad is older and not able to do things with him. However, my son is in counseling and I hope that someday the whole family will be in counseling, so that my husband and son can learn to accept each other better (faults and all). Counseling may help your son to be able to understand the issues that come with divorce as well as how to deal with another "dad" in his life. It's not easy for step-parents to accept step-children and children to accept step-parents. I wish you well and hope you and your friend have a long and happy life together.

J. G.

Your son is lucky that he has a mom who is concerned about his position in your situation. He is your number one concern. That is why I have to agree with the others who advised you to wait until he is old enough, probably when he is out of the house, to look at remarrying.

I was a daughter of a divorced family and I was greatful that my mom did not remarry until I was grown. Her new husband is great to her but he and I have never had a close realtionship. It was hard enough on me as an adult let alone a child. I know that everyone thinks their situation is different and think that the new relationship will work out great. Even if all are willing for it to work. I have a friend whose divorced parents both remarried with young children and every single one of the kids got into some major trouble growing up. This doesn't always happen, but it is worth weighing the possiblity of adverse effects on your son.

I apologize for being so candid. I hope that you will take all possibilites into thought. Like I said you are a great mom for considering your son first.

I have almost the exact same situation. My boyfriend and I have been together since my son was 4 though. When we first got together, I made sure to tell my boyfriend that my son did not need a dad. He has a dad. If they want to be friends that is great. Make sure that there is a clear definition to the role the boyfriend is supposed to play in your son's life, and stick to it!! My son and my boyfriend are now friends and my son is almost 9.

Make sure that you include your son in some things that also include the boyfriend. But, make certain to make time for just your son. Just the two of you.

In a sense, you need to "date" your son as well as your boyfriend. I know this may sound wierd, but it sure has worked for me and my son and my boyfriend.

is there a way to talk to his dad and have him 'mention' that it is ok with him(dad) that mom have someone special, besides the son, in her life??

Have your new man talk to him one on one about it? Ask his permission to have things more serious or permanent?

good luck!!

Just a thought, maybe it's not just a feeling of being un-loyal to his dad, but a feeling that if you get married, there is no chance Mom and Dad will ever get back together.

I have no advise, my sons father left when he was 8 mo old so he has no connection to another man, so when I met the man I'm with, it was surprising to see how easily my son took to him.

One thing I can think of that has helped my son in life changing situations is, we have a neighbor, he's 21 and my son is 12, but there closer in age then our neighbor is to us, so he's like a big brother to my son, they talk and I butt out, I think that helps my son a lot. Maybe something like that would work for you son. Someone to talk to that isnt mom or dad, so he feels safe to say what ever he wants.

It is almost impossible to change someone's mind about someone else.

I think you're right about what your lad's thinking, in terms of loyalty to his dad. You will not be able to change his mind.

But, I want to say, your son doesn't need to accept this man in your life into his. I mean, does anyone go to any lengths to make sure the child accepts his new teacher into his life each year? 'This is the way it is' can be an attitude that takes the heat off him (and the nice new man)-- no one needs to pretend they love each other, they simply need to be polite and civil and share space and mom's time.

It is also worth remembering that while *you* hit it off with this guy quite a while ago, he's a relative newcomer to your son's life. I would be concerned, as a mother, if my son hooked onto some new guy after barely knowing him, frankly. I think kids have good reasons to be suspicious of the 'instant intimacy' we sometimes expect from them based on the title people hold in their lives (like distant grandmothers they've met twice).

It's a good idea to be wary of new people. Later, in a few years when he knows him, you might be surprised at what developed in the absence of pressure.

You sound as if you're going about it the right way. You have to try to make him understand that you need someone who makes you feel special also. You could also explain to him that this man isn't trying to take his dad's place, that he would like to be his friend. Don't push too hard though. When my parents divorced years ago, my sister hated the fact that my mom started seeing someone else, and she started getting mouthy and rude around this man when my mom would bring him around. My mom told her that she didn't have to like him, but she had to show respect. My advice is just take it day by day. Eventually your son will get used to having someone new around. I think all kids get a funny feeling when things like this happen. I wouldn't put your own happiness on hold though like some of these responses have recommended. Life is too short. Just make it known to your son that you love him very much, and that nobody is trying to take his dad's place. Maybe even have your ex speak to your son to let him know that there is no possible way that anyone could come between them. Good luck, S..