Help with My 3 Year Olds Behavior

If he were a little older I would say to introduce some soap to him but at 3 I think he is just trying to test the limits. Now is the time where he will learn what you will and will not put up with. Try taking things from him when he acts like this. Or what I did with my kids was depending on what he is talking back about...ex. my kid would not clean up her toys off of the floor and I had to clean them up so I bagged them up and put them out of reach but to where she could still see them and she was not allowed to play with them for a week. And then I reflected on why she could not play with them and she remembered that the next time she was asked to clean up her toys. She threw a fit when she could see them but not play with them but I just let her throw her fit and walked out of the room. Reverse psychology seems to work for my kids so it may help you...Good Luck!

I have a VERY sassy little 2 1/2 yo. She's been that way from the time she could put a sentence together.

My approach is to ignore most of the "no's" and try to give her choices instead of always telling her what to do. She is a very independent minded little girl.

That said, the other thing I do when she gets completely out of hand or completely disrespectful is address it immediately with a VERY firm voice and I always say, "YOU do NOT speak to ME like that! Now apologize!" If she's really showing out I will grab her face and make her look at me while I speak very firmly to her. She HATES that. Fortunately her daycare provider is really strict about this sort of behavior too.

My son went through the same thing at 3 (he's now 4 and it has lessened considerably). Try to keep in mind that this is a developmental stage-this is how he's demonstrating his separation from you, that he's his own person. He's not trying to be obnoxious (even though he probably is). He's trying to assert his independence to the person he feels most comfortable with-you.

What I did was to tell him a more polite way to express his rude statement and how it makes people feel when someone says something rude like that. Then asked him to talk in a nicer way. If he did-great. If not, he went to time out. I'd like to say I never lost my temper, but that would be a lie-everyone does. Just try to get some relaxing "mommy time" so you are less prone to that, because 3 can be a trying year...and keep in mind that soon a new stage will take the place of 3-year old rebellion!

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for you, but I want to tell you that I am going through exactly the same thing! My son repeats everything I say to him, even when I am reprimanding him. He says things to me like "just leave me alone" in addtition to the things you mentioned your son says. My son is also very intelligent as well. I just want you to know that you are not the only mom pulling your hair out! LOL! I will be curious to hear what advice the other moms have too. The funny thing is that I already have 3 grown children and do not remember going through this "not so pleasant" stage with them. Maybe it's selective memory or just old age. Anyway, hang in there.

The bigger deal you make, the worse it will be. My 2-year-old is really into saying go away to me and his dad. I tell him that we don't talk that way and re-direct his attention. I also give him another phrase he can use when he's feeling crowded like, 'Please excuse me' or 'I need some space' I know its annoying but he's probably getting a real kick out of your reaction. Kids love to get a reaction so if you can address the bad talk without a lot of emotion, quickly and then move on to some other activity. I think that will help. If you can't, you might consider ignoring it to see if he stops on his own.

I have 3 preteen/teen children and I have been there, done that w/ two of them. I found that with my young children, actions speak louder than words. You can try to explain and reason all day, you can't keep thier attention long. Give him a short sentence about why his words are inappropriate, then give him a punishment(time out, etc...whatever you feel comfortable with). I can tell you from experience...I almost pulled my hair out w/ my first child, who was very defiant. The best thing you can do is use few words and show him some action. When he sees you are consistently punishing EVERY time he does it, it will start to sink in that you are in charge. The most important thing to remember is that your child must get the concept that you are "the boss". When they lose that idea, it becomes very hard to control behavior(trust me...already had to deal with that one, so nip it in the bud asap!)
Good luck to you and remember that parenting is a tough job and we all wish we were better at it. Take the time for yourself to refuel so you wont have a short fuse. If you need to, put him in his bed and go take a hot shower...spend a few minutes to yourself so you can return w/ patience. And dont'forget to get dad involved on backing you up as well. A stern word from daddy is also good to demonstrate that mom is to be listened to...and it helps you feel reinforced.
Hope this helps....
Blessings,
L.

I think the first thing is to give him a better way to say something, or alternate way to express his feelings. The validation of feelings is important... "I know you are (angry/frustrated/upset...) but that's not the right way to let me know. Here's a better way: ________" Make sure he understands a better way to behave, then provide consequences when he chooses not to behave properly. Take action. I have two boys, 3 1/2 and 1. It works on both of them. I don't necessarily take away a toy, but put them in their rooms (the little one goes in his crib) and close the door. I don't leave them in there very long, just long enough to get the point across. My challenge with the little one these days is screaming to get whatever he wants. I still have to put him in his crib, but more and more often all I have to say is, "Do you want to go to bed? ...or do you want to stop screaming?" It's amazing how much they understand at such a young age. My older boy is going through a sassy stage as well, and we have to really take action if we want results. I heard someone say once that teenagers are raised between the ages of 2 and 12. You have to manage the behaviors now in order to have a decent teenager/adult later. I love my boys and want them to be wonderful, productive adults one day. My job now is to make sure they understand the rules and know that Daddy and I love them always. Good luck. I see lots of other good advice in your responses. Hope one of these works for you.

I suspect you're talking about your "3-1/2 year old boy." I found that to be the most challenging age of all, but I can tell you that it ends, and when he's 4, he'll be delightful.

That said, have you involved your husband? Having your husband tell him that he will not tolerate anyone talking to his wife that way will help a lot. Having your husband demand that he treat you with respect will help. Having your husband tell him what the consequences for such disrespect will be will also help, as long as you both follow through. It's is amazing how well my son responds to that alpha-male influence.

(I was a single mom of a daughter for 10 years, and while I knew it was hard to be a single mom with a son, I've only truly come to understand just how hard it could be since having a son of my own. Yikes!)

Similar issues with my 4 year old. I give her a warning about how she is talking to me and then send her to time out to reinforce that she cannot talk to me that way. usually i only have to send her once.
as for the statements that he doesn't like you - i think it is important to let kids have their feelings even if it may hurt ours. remember that he does love you. when my daughter tells me that she doesn't love me, i just tell her that i love her. and go on about my day. too much reaction will keep the comments coming just to get the attention. i wish you patience and good luck!

Dear H.H.

My daughter's family practitioner gave me some great advice when she was turning three. If she started whining or talking back, I was to say "I can't hear you." It was the hardest thing to say at first, but I really got results. If she demanded something, instead of asking nicely, I'd just say "I can't hear you." and she'd figure out a nicer way to ask me.

Give this a try. No matter how loud your son yells, you still can't hear him if he is being disrespectful.

A.

I have a three yo little girl and you can only imgaine the things that come out of her mouth. So I know how frustrating it can be . No one ever told me that 3 was worse than 2 so her whole attitude ws new to me. She is about to turn 4. As for adivce I would just tell tell you that when he says something that is mean or inapproiate remove him from the situation (TIME OUT) and when his 3 minutes are up you tell him why he was there and how that made you feel. But always and I mean always repromand him, for acting out or saying things that are rude. I beleive that when you are talking to a child that is in trouble dont hover over them becasue that scares them. Just get down to his level and talk nicely and tell him how you or if there are other's involved how what he said made you feel. I know it is hard dealing with a three year old sometimes and sometimes there is just no negoiating with them but stand your ground becasue you are the MOMMY and they are the child. If you stand your ground you will begin to see changes. He will then think before he says something. At least that is what happened with my daughter.

A little about me: I am a SAHM of 3 yo girl and I have a 7 yo step daughter.

I read your post and it was as if I could have written it. I Made a chart. It took a bit of "arts and crafts" but.... I took a poster board and took pictures of my son doing "good things" like using the potty, petting the kitties nicely, sitting properly at the table, smiling and "signing" please and thank you, brushing his teeth what ever. I put clear contact paper over the whole thing. When he does any of these things I put a sticker on the picture. At the end of the day he gets an extra story or 5 more mins of playtime before bed for his good behavior. When he does something like back talk he looses a sticker and has to earn it back.

As for the "Go away" I know it is the child's inability to express their emotions but like you I, I was at my wits end. One day he told me to "Just leave" when I told him it was nap time. My mother was here so I did what he "wanted". I walked out of the house. My mother put him to bed screaming "where is mommy". My mom explained that I left because he wanted me to and I would be back after his nap. He has never done that again. That may be too "harsh" for some of you but it worked the first time.
S.

Do you do anything other than explain what he is doing is wrong? When my older daughter was 2 1/2 she started doing the same thing,and I turned around and said very sternly, "That is not how you talk to your mother". Then she would go and sit in time out on the stairs for a minute or two until she was ready to talk nicely to me.

It did the trick for her and after a little while she only needed an occasional reminder. The only downside is that she started calling me Mother not Mom which lead to some funny looks out in public and some questions about why my daughter calls me Mother.

You could try ignoring him, or taking away privileges like favorite toys. My youngest one does say sometimes-usually after she has ended up in time out, that she doesn't like me anymore, and I usually respond with "That's too bad. I still love you, but I don't like your choices, actions, words, (fill in the blank) right now." But she only says that when she is mad at me. I don;t know if that is helping or not yet with her.

Anyway, hope this helps a little bit.

My two-and-a-half year old started getting sassier after he transitioned from a nanny to daycare. We tried teaching him nicer ways to get messages across, like instead of "GO AWAY!" you can say "Please leave me alone." We paired that with the "no attention" rule. If he got sassy, I would say firmly that when he was ready to speak nicely I'd be over there, and then I'd walk away. (Obviously this has to be modified if in public or if safety demands you be close by.) It seems to be working. He's less sassy now and when he is, he's pretty quick to correct himself. My son is also verbally advanced and I think part of this is just them trying to determine where the power of their voice lies, and what the boundaries are. Good luck!

Hi H,

I sure get what you mean! MHO of why they do that is because they care trying out their independence with someone they love and trust and it's not pretty sometimes! At least that rationalization helps get me through the tough moments! : )

Check out the book 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph. D. It's a quick read with lots of useful examples. At a minimum, it taught me that we over-explain to our little ones--they are not little adults who are capable of acting properly if we simply explain WHY we want them to begin or stop a specific behavior. Just explain in simple terms what you'd like to happen and move on. Use time outs with a calm voice and don't rehash the whole situation after time out unless there is a specific reason for doing so. The child already heard why he/she is in time out before the clock began; any further comments regarding the offense will then sound like Charlie Brown's teacher. : )

Seriously, the book is awesome! Hope this helps!
D.

I have a 3 almost 4 year old - and I have also said she sounds 3 going on 13. . . .Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

We have a favorite toy in our house(a barbie car) and when she talks back to me, it goes away for the day. Some weeks it has been hidden more than it has been out, which is probably what keeps her desire up for it! After a few times, it takes very little - just a reminder of "would you like the car to go away again, or would you like to talk nicely to mommy." Now, it doesn't work every time - they are 3! but it works 80% of the time.

Also - I do try to explain to her that I don't talk to her that way, and that if she talks to toher people that way, children at school etc, they may not want to be friends with her.

My girlfriend's daughters went through that with her two at 3, with the "I hate you" etc. but it has gone away now they are 4 1/2.

Good luck!

I would start by telling him that he is not nice when he talks to people like that. My son says no to me quite often (he's almost 3), but he has never told me that he doesn't like me. Through out the day, he randomly comes up to me, asks for a hug & kiss & says that he loves me. We have tried to teach him & his older sister, who just turned 4, that it isn't nice to be mean to people. I would sit down with him when he does speak rudely, and just explain to him that it hurts people when he talks like that. I think that if you be consistent with this & try to add in extra stuff like randomly telling him that you love him, and praise him when he is not doing anything wrong (he doesn't have to be doing anything special, just playing with his toys), then he will pick up on that & he will begin doing the same thing. Good luck & God bless!

If you say "no" a lot it will come back at you. Tantrums, especially in boys, I think, peak at 2-3 and 7-8. Do a lot of ignoring of behaviors, including tantrums, and 1-2-3 Magic works wonders. For every year old a child is, give one minute time out. Time out does not begin until your child is cooperating. Make sure they are in a quiet spot and set a timer. Good luck!

I suggest giving him alternative language. For example, tell him he IS allowed to get angry or frustrated with you and he can tell you that he is. But he cannot be mean. Show him the different implications of these statements.

Ask him if he really means what he says - how would he feel if Mommy did "go away"?

Tell him it hurts your feelings and makes you sad, and ask him how HE would feel if he (or his friends) talked to him this way.

But in the end, be firm and tell him if he can't be nice, then he doesn't get to continue the fun he is having.

i recently read "your 3 year old friend or enemy" by louise bates-ames. it was great, quick, and inciteful read to the world of 3. i've been reading positive discipline for preschoolers and so far the first month of 3 is almost under our belt.

I had an episode with my 3 year old niece whos mother (my sister) seems to be at her wits end with her. the 3 year old was spitting milk on my carpet during 1 visit and my sister told her "no drink your milk." then of course she spits it again. so I had to interject, of course because it is my home and my carpet. to which the 3 year old reponds you arent my friend I dont like you! to which I responded I'm not here to be your friend and you dont have to like me. but you do need to listen to me. It may seem harsh but my opinion is that saying no to your mom is not an option for a 3 year old. if he is advanced vebally he needs to understand that you are his mom and you will never "go away" and your his mother and it doesnt matter if he "doesnt like you," what you say is for his own good. my 2 year old had started having serious tantrums, throwing , hitting and screaming whenever he didnt do exatally what he wanted to do. and i found a corner for him to stand in while he was having his fit. he stays there for 1 minit, until he calms down. once he figured out that his behavior was unacceptable to me, this past month has been blissfully calm. no matter what remember that he is 3 you are the adult, dont let him best you.

HH,
I have 2 children of my own and I know that 3 can be a difficult age. The good news is that it will end, the bad news is you are going to have to start some real dicipline now. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are the mom and demand respect. When he talks to you like that respond immidiately, if you are at home immidiately take him to his time out spot or to his room. If you believe in spanking (which I do to a very small degree, like one swipe on the but to get their attention and let them know who is boss but thats it) give him one swipe on the but just to get his attention and let him know that you do not like what he is doing. In any case react immidiately and harshly. After the punishment I always hug and talk about what he did wrong and why it is bad, but that he is not a bad boy and that no matter what I still love him. Lots of praise for doing good and saying the right thing. Good luck.

A.

This is probably not a direct answer to your question but I read this in January and found it to be very helpful.

25 WAYS TO TALK SO YOUR CHILDREN WILL LISTEN
A major part of discipline is learning how to talk with children. The
way you talk to your child teaches him how to talk to others. Here are
some talking tips we have learned with our children:

1. Connect before you direct
Before giving your child directions, squat to your child's eye level
and engage your child in eye-to-eye contact to get his attention.
Teach him how to focus: "Mary, I need your eyes." "Billy, I need your
ears." Offer the same body language when listening to the child. Be
sure not to make your eye contact so intense that your child perceives
it as controlling rather than connecting.

2. Address the child
Open your request with the child's name, "Lauren, will you please..."

3. Stay brief
We use the one-sentence rule: Put the main directive in the opening
sentence. The longer you ramble, the more likely your child is to
become parent-deaf. Too much talking is a very common mistake when
dialoging about an issue. It gives the child the feeling that you're
not quite sure what it is you want to say. If she can keep you talking
she can get you sidetracked.

4. Stay simple
Use short sentences with one-syllable words. Listen to how kids
communicate with each other and take note. When your child shows that
glazed, disinterested look, you are no longer being understood.

5. Ask your child to repeat the request back to you
If he can't, it's too long or too complicated.

6. Make an offer the child can't refuse
You can reason with a two or three-year-old, especially to avoid power
struggles. "Get dressed so you can go outside and play." Offer a
reason for your request that is to the child's advantage, and one that
is difficult to refuse. This gives her a reason to move out of her
power position and do what you want her to do.

7. Be positive
Instead of "no running," try: "Inside we walk, outside you may run."

8. Begin your directives with "I want."
Instead of "Get down," say "I want you to get down." Instead of "Let
Becky have a turn," say "I want you to let Becky have a turn now."
This works well with children who want to please but don't like being
ordered. By saying "I want," you give a reason for compliance rather
than just an order.

9. "When...then."
"When you get your teeth brushed, then we'll begin the story." "When
your work is finished, then you can watch TV." "When," which implies
that you expect obedience, works better than "if," which suggests that
the child has a choice when you don't mean to give him one.

10. Legs first, mouth second
Instead of hollering, "Turn off the TV, it's time for dinner!" walk
into the room where your child is watching TV, join in with your
child's interests for a few minutes, and then, during a commercial
break, have your child turn off the TV. Going to your child conveys
you're serious about your request; otherwise children interpret this
as a mere preference.

11. Give choices
"Do you want to put your pajamas on or brush your teeth first?" "Red
shirt or blue one?"

12. Speak developmentally correctly
The younger the child, the shorter and simpler your directives should
be. Consider your child's level of understanding. For example, a
common error parents make is asking a three-year- old, "Why did you do
that?" Most adults can't always answer that question about their
behavior. Try instead, "Let's talk about what you did."

13. Speak socially correctly
Even a two-year-old can learn "please." Expect your child to be
polite. Children shouldn't feel manners are optional. Speak to your
children the way you want them to speak to you.

14. Speak psychologically correctly
Threats and judgmental openers are likely to put the child on the
defensive. "You" messages make a child clam up. "I" messages are
non-accusing. Instead of "You'd better do this..." or "You must...,"
try "I would like...." or "I am so pleased when you..." Instead of
"You need to clear the table," say "I need you to clear the table."
Don't ask a leading question when a negative answer is not an option.
"Will you please pick up your coat?" Just say, "Pick up your coat,
please."

15. Write it
Reminders can evolve into nagging so easily, especially for preteens
who feel being told things puts them in the slave category. Without
saying a word you can communicate anything you need said. Talk with a
pad and pencil. Leave humorous notes for your child. Then sit back and
watch it happen.

16. Talk the child down
The louder your child yells, the softer you respond. Let your child
ventilate while you interject timely comments: "I understand" or "Can
I help?" Sometimes just having a caring listener available will wind
down the tantrum. If you come in at his level, you have two tantrums
to deal with. Be the adult for him.

17. Settle the listener
Before giving your directive, restore emotional equilibrium, otherwise
you are wasting your time. Nothing sinks in when a child is an
emotional wreck.

18. Replay your message
Toddlers need to be told a thousand times. Children under two have
difficulty internalizing your directives. Most three- year-olds begin
to internalize directives so that what you ask begins to sink in. Do
less and less repeating as your child gets older. Preteens regard
repetition as nagging.

19. Let your child complete the thought
Instead of "Don't leave your mess piled up," try: "Matthew, think of
where you want to store your soccer stuff." Letting the child fill in
the blanks is more likely to create a lasting lesson.

20. Use rhyme rules.
"If you hit, you must sit." Get your child to repeat them.

21. Give likable alternatives
You can't go by yourself to the park; but you can play in the neighbor's yard.

22. Give advance notice
"We are leaving soon. Say bye-bye to the toys, bye-bye to the girls…"

23. Open up a closed child
Carefully chosen phrases open up closed little minds and mouths. Stick
to topics that you know your child gets excited about. Ask questions
that require more than a yes or no. Stick to specifics. Instead of
"Did you have a good day at school today?" try "What is the most fun
thing you did today?"

24. Use "When you…I feel…because…"
When you run away from mommy in the store I feel worried because you
might get lost.

25. Close the discussion
If a matter is really closed to discussion, say so. "I'm not changing
my mind about this. Sorry." You'll save wear and tear on both you and
your child. Reserve your "I mean business" tone of voice for when you
do.

If you think about it, no one likes to be spoken to that way, even your child. When he says these things to you, how do you react? He may be looking for the reaction in you. How do you speak to him or others? When he says "I don't like you" ask him why. Check yourself, children are mirror images of us! Do what ever it takes NOT to REACT! Stay neutral and calm. Breath, count to 10, bite your tonge, what ever it takes to not react and calm yourself. Then deal with the attitude from a place of peace, calmness and love.

Hi HH,

Join a support group for Mom's. http://attachmentparenting.meetup.com

Contact CHKD at www.chkd.org

The Community Services Board in the City where you live have parentint groups.

The disciplining of children will be a challenge during their growing years. You are wise to learn about how to set limits now while he is young.

Good luck. D.

"Go away" and "I don't like you" are strong words (for a 3 yr old) and usually have a feeling with them. He may not have the vocabulary to say it "appropriately". Tell him the name of the feeling he seems to have 'behind' the words. When he's calm, give him the "right way to express himself" and be sure to model this behavior when you have the same feeling in the future.
At the same time, the three year old may be finding out just how to say things, and what happens when he says them. You respond by changing what he says and does, followed by frustration to his next response, It may have become a game, and/or a lesson in "pushing mom's buttons". A calm "time out" (or warning, that is followed by a time out), minimizes your involvement emotionally and maximizes the child's personal time (age = number of minutes) to stop. He'll get practice in: "when upset; stop - take a break (that's what "time out" will do) and try a new, nice, yet affirmative, way to get what you need next time. When he's done with time-out, you can talk about alternative ways of asking for things, or, not... follow your gut on the timing for a "talk". Some children don't need words because they are already creative enough to think of something else, those kids may be better off getting 'downtime' and starting with a 'clean slate' 3 minutes later...
I hope my explanation is understandable. If it's confusing, I'd like to try to clear it up. feel free to ask me.

This is the age for this. BUT you should let it go you are teaching them they CAN talk back. I would give him direct punishment. Either time out alone, like in bed or corner or something. EACH time he does it. My daughter is now 5yrs old and she's hot and heavy into it. I have to get each time she does it so she will stop. It's all the time and it won't be stopping completely anytime soon but it will stop sooner if they get nothing from it.

Hi,
Maybe you could try the next time he says that to get down and look him in the face and tell him that when he says that it really hurts your feelings and makes you sad and that it is very wrong to say things like that and because he said it he now has to sit for 3 min and think about how it hurt mommmys feelings. You have to be consistent, so he understands you will not have him talking to you like that. I have a 3 yr old and I use this tech. when he says, Hey(in a rude way) to me. That word just runs through me. Hope I helped. Good Luck!!