Help with Dilemma of Child Being Left Alone at Other Parent's House.

I think a 10 year old is old enough to stay at home for a little while by themselves if they are in a safe neighborhood with people they know they can go to in case of an emergency, or having a phone they can use in an emercency.

One reason I feel this way is they start babysitters classes for 12 year olds at my local YMCA, if they can babysit at 12 then they better be able to watch themselves at 10 or at least learning to be responsible.

I agree with giving the boy a cell phone. One of those that only has so many minutes on it so he can't go crazy with charges. Have him call you when he is left alone or feels in danger. You can make a decision then. You might also want to talk to a family lawyer. This sucks. I hope you can sort something out.

I just wanted to let you know that in Texas, 10 years old is it's considered reasonable leave a child home alone.

He's 10 years old! Of course he can be left alone. He needs to learn responsibility and be given a chance to mature. My guess is a day with giant lizards and a pre-schooler didn't sound like fun and staying home to watch movies or read or something was a much better time. Why deny him a chance to express his opinion and show his maturity by being trusted to watch the house rather than being forced on an outing he didn't want to go on? What age *would* you feel it's appropriate?

I get it that you don't like the BF. I get it that you don't like the mom. But remember:
1. This is your husbands issue.
2. This is not your issue.
3. Pitting a kid against his mom is abhorrent. Instructing him to call CPS is doing exactly that.

I'd suggest you get some counseling as to why you have such anger towards the mom.

I just wanted to add that you should be very careful about getting the state involved. When Protective services comes to interview the child and check the mother's home, they will also have to follow up and check all aspects of your life. If the child is picked up from the mother's home for some reason, there is no guarantee that the child will be returned to your home instead of foster care. You would first have to be approved by the state and have a positive home study. It gets very messy, very quickly. My husband is an attorney here in FL who specializes in juvenile dependency (cases that stem from DCF/Child protective service cases.) The notion that you can get the child to tell on his mother can very quickly backfire...and having the state in your home can also jeopardize your other children.

Just a side note, but FL does not have a "legal" age to leave a child home alone...so if this were to go before a judge, 10 years old might be just fine despite the specific rules you keep for your own home.

You will need to talk to a lawyer. At ten, your child may actually request a guardian ad litem to have his own representation in court.

I would second the thought of doing a criminal background check on the boyfriend - something is fishy there.

your "b)" would be my best answer. Perhaps he not call the police, but call YOU. You can help cover for him if boyfriend gets mad at him saying something like "He was scared (when the window broke). He didn't know what to do. I am so glad he called me to help him."

You could call child protective services and just have a conversation. Ask if there is a law regarding an age where kids can't stay by themselves. If they want to investigate, remind them that your son might be lying. Remind them that boyfriend will get FURIOUS and take it out on your son.

This is tricky. Perhaps you might fight for sole custody of son. Sounds like mom is choosing boyfriend over her own son. Very sad. Get your son out of this awful situation.

why doesn't he like him? why only the 4 yr old? could it be because the 4 yr old doesn't know better but to respect her elders and he can stand up for himself? first gather all the facts. if the boy is known to lie then maybe he's switching up the story a bit, but who knows until you're able to gather all the facts. speak to the sibling, the mother, etc. if you're not able to talk to the mother, try in writing..email, txt, etc. there's really no need to call the police (unless he's in danger)or DCF/CPS as you guys have him 50% of the time and it could backfire. parents need to communicate and do whats in the best interest of the child(ren). just keep record of whats going on and what the outcome was. he should be able to call you guys, not cops or anyone else. its his father's and your duty to protect "your" children. he can motion the court to get full custody or suspend visitation or whatever. as far as being alone at the age of 10--it depends on his maturity and length of time. i think the afternoon is too long for a 10 yr old. and if there's really a concern about the boyfriends wrath this could also be address with the mother or in court.

I truly know how you feel. I have a "step" daughter - we don't say step either.

Her mother is an angry self righteous woman. It's sad.

Our daughter also has an issue with lying.

Regarding your son - I would say an anonymous call to Child Protective Services is needed. Let them come out and interview the child etc...

I will praying for you all - I am here to listen and support you.

Let me know if you want to talk.

Regards,

A.

Different states do have different laws in regards to leaving a child home alone. However, 10 is too young to be left alone where the child cannot reach out to anyone due to lack of resources. How would he call the police if a fire broke out or someone tried to break in? I took the last time alone as the mom and boyfriend took theior 4 yr old with them. That is so unfair to leave your son out. My idiot brother in law married a woman that hated his daughter because she looked like her mom. She refused to buy anything special, would take any money she got to buy a gift and would buy her own daughter something instead. My niece ended up going to live with her mom but not until she lived with this "woman" for 7 years and had to deal with being left out all of the time.

WOW what a ____@____.com situation! I think you are doing the right thing by telling your son to call the police, but unless you know the neighbors, I would have him call from his mothers house. If she does not have a landline, then get him the firefly phone (kids can only call mom, dad, and 911). While children mature at different ages, 10 is far too young to be left alone, not to mention the fact that if the 'responsible' adults are playing at the casino, they're not going to be much good to your son when they get back. Make sure your son knows that he has done nothing wrong, and no one is going to get in trouble when he calls the police, but it's important to make sure he's safe. He's probably scared to call. And I would absolutely get your custody agreement reevaluated ASAP! Sounds to me like she is NOT a fit mother, and while all states agree that children should be with their mother above all else, she doesn't seem very interested if she's not dedicating her 50% of the time to her kid. While cases like this are rare, I'm pretty confident the court would agree that it would be in your sons best interest for a majority of the kids time to be spent with YOU!...omg and don't even get me started on the fact that they are leaving a 10 year old in charge of a 4 year old! Good luck honey, and I truly hope things get better!

I know a woman whose kids were taken away and eventually adopted by another family. The first time social services stepped in, it was because she had left while her children were still playing out in the courtyard of the apartment complex. She claimed when she came back and the police were there, that a neighbor was watching them. It turned out that a neighbor had watched them for a little while, then gone home and gone to bed. The kids were given back that time but she got a stern warning about making sure they were really supervised. Several other things happened with her children, and someone at the complex called children's services, although I didn't know at the time. I ended up calling the same day myself. She was babysitting for me. When I returned neither my son or one of her daughters was home. (they were 6 and 5) She was completely unconcerned, saying that they wandered off all the time. I searched the complex for an hour before I found them. A nice woman had seen them wandering and invited them to play outside with her child until an adult came looking for them. But what if it hadn't been that woman? As I said, this person ended up losing her children. In court it came out that they were routinely left alone and she had some major bullying problems with her oldest child. This is something serious. If she won't talk to you in a calm manner, talk to his sister and see what she says. Talk to a neighbor or two. Give your son a cell phone and tell him to call you next time there is a problem. Do something. If you feel you have good reason to doubt your children are safe there, then call children's services. Their safety is paramount. And if the boyfriend has made it clear he doesn't like your son, that is a serious red flag. I personally won't leave my 10 year old alone. But I will say that when I was 10, I walked home from school and was home alone for a couple hours. However, I had a phone. If I walk down to our mailbox, I give my son my cell and he has important numbers memorized. So for the time being, maybe you should at least give him a phone so he can call you and let you know how things are going, Maybe there is some misunderstanding going on.

Unfortunately, I have been in your shoes. I say unfortunately beause this is not a good situation. We also struggled with calling the authorities. In the end we did. Because of the phone situation, it is a safety concern and you should call them. If they had a phone or he had a cell phone, they would tell you he my be mature enough to be home alone. They do ake these situations on a case by case basis depending on the child. However, because their s no phone available to him in an emergency, they will have a problem with it and will do something about it. Report it. If she is that defensive, you son is telling the truth.

It is your responsibility to protect your children. Provide him with a cell phone. Going to the neighbors may not be the safe alternative.
And you MUST confront these parents...

This may be off base but why is this man ok with the 4 year old girl . Has anyone checked him out ? Pedophiles often find single mothers for that reason . He may not want the son around because he could suspect something. Just my gut reaction. Something to think about.

I applaud you for calling and considering him your son, even if he is not adopted and your name's not on the birth certificate. I believe 10 is too young to leave a child home, especially at night, when so many dangers can be present and any noise in the darkness could frighten a child. If he were 12 or 13, then maybe I'd feel more comfortable about the fact he is home alone but right now, he could accidentally burn the house down trying to cook himself dinner because of his mother's boyfriend's dislike. That woman doesn't sound like she has the best interest of the boy at heart. As a single mom, I will NEVER get in a relationship with a man that seems to not like my daughter, much less openly admits it. The mother is showing that she cares more about her womanhood than she does about her own flesh and blood. How totally irresponsible. Here's my suggestion, as this happens to my friend, whose husband has a new family and sometimes doesn't include her son on family outings. Have him call you to go pick him up whenever they do this to him, or speak to the woman before they plan any activities and ask her if they will be taking him along on that day that she gets him; if not (because they want to do something adult themed or have prior plans), tell her you will switch custody days as you do not like your son staying home alone and he'd be better off at your house doing something productive. Or you can just say he gets bored when left home alone and you have things at home to keep him occupied and that is why you picked him up. He can also find a friend whose parents may be understanding of his situation and would not mind him coming over to play a bit with their child until the mother comes back (or sleep over if the mother and boyfriend pull an all-night outing), though honestly I don't see the point of her requesting to have her son if she won't spend time with him and just ignores him. I'd be very worried about that boyfriend of hers, he sounds like bad news and the favoritism strikes me as odd. He may become angry or violent in a drunken rage and hurt your son if he has so much hatred towards him, so I'd definitely want to check him out before something like this takes place. She would definitely benefit from some counseling to deal with her anger issues and her poor relationships.

I found this:
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_legal_age_for_child...

It basically says that FL doesn't have a specific rule. In VA, kids can be left alone for gradual periods. 8y for 1 hour, 10 yr for 3 hours. etc.

M.

If you are not certain that his version of the story is true, then the first thing you need to do is talk to the mother whether or not you think it is an option. If the boy was left out because he chose not to go that is a completely different scenario than if he was left out because the live-in wouldn't bring him. You did not mention if he was unhappy about it, if he felt left out and wished he could have gone, etc. That's why one response suggested that maybe he really didn't want to go at all -- we don't know how he felt!!

It would be better to get your lawyer involved here, not child protective services, because you are not certain of the facts AND because it is likely that the mother is violating the custody agreement by not providing adequate care for the boy. Your best bet is through the legal system, not social services, because of some of the things mentioned in other responses.

An emergency cell phone that has only your numbers on it would also be a good idea.

I'd check into Florida's laws on being able to be left alone. He may be too young and therefore you could possibly get child protective services to do something about it. If not, then they might not do anything.

I like the idea of a cell phone too. Explain to his mother that you want him to be able to contact his father if he wants to.

I am usually one of the last people who would recommend getting a child any type of cell phone... But in a situation that you have no control over and do not know if the neighbors are friends of the mom/ BF... I would look into getting one of those cell phones they make for older people. The ones that you can program to call certain numbers and nothing else.(I think it only has 4 buttons on the phone) I would avoid programming 911 into the phone just incase the kids decide to play with the phone. But program in your number, dads number, etc. If the child calls you then YOU can call the police and ask them to do a welfare check on the home. Explaining that there could be a 10 yr old home alone...

Yes, the "mom" may get upset and feel like you are trying to "check up on her or have the kids tattle on her" But stick to the emergency only phone story and deal with her taking the phone away if it happens. Perhaps make it a rule that the phone stays in the over night bag...

Boy needs to know that he CAN and WILL get caught in his lies. No matter what the moms reaction may / will / has been there needs to be an infront of son discussion about what he is telling dad... Or the stories will just get bigger and he will continue to play the angles and sides as he gets into his teen years.

Don't put the responsibility of calling the police or DCFS / CPS on your 10yo. It is too much to ask. Next time he is left alone and doesn't want to be, have him call you; either from a neighbor’s house or a cell phone. At the end of the day, she is his mother and he will be looking for her love and support. That will never change!

I agree with the poster who said to do a background check on the BF. He is okay with a 4yo little girl and not with a 10yo boy he may be better able to relate to. Something does not seem right there.

BTW - I think that 10 may be too young to leave a child alone for prolonged periods of time also. I also think it is based on the child’s maturity and sense of responsibility, so the parent needs to make that call if the state has not beat them to it. Either way, if he is home alone, he needs to have a way to call for help if he needs it.

Honestly, I would just call CPS. They will investigate it and if he is lying, he can be punished appropriately. If he is not lying, the mother needs to lose her children. You do not, under any circumstances, sacrifice your children for the happiness of your partner.

I have a cousin by marriage whose mother did this to him. He is 20-years-old now and serving a 5 year sentence for a gun charge. Yes, each child is different, but your son may end up with abandonment issues and a whole slew of other problems because his mother is putting him second to her mate.

Good luck!

Hi,
I do not have experience with such situations, however here is what I will do if I am in your shoes: I will ask the 4 year old girl and verify if he was inded left alone for some time at home. Mostly 4 year olds are talkative and they can't hide the truth. Make up questions so they do not seem direct like OOH you went to see that and did you hold hands of your brother -- was he scared.. things like that. In both cases, if it a true or not, I will talk to school councelor about my concern (my child lies like this OR has been left alone and I think it is unsafe) and they have ways to get the truth out of the child by talking and making him comfortable. She can also call his biological mom and ask what has happened there (it will be better than you calling and asking). Do you know where she lives now and can you talk to the neighbors there .. may be go with your son and introduce him to them so they somewhat know him.
I am sorry if that is true .. it is not good for anyone and I wonder why a mom will do that to a child -- is he too mouthy or disrespectful to her boyfriend? I think the councelor can get some direction if he/she talks to your son.
I have 10 year old and even though I have not left him alone for long periods, sometimes he chosses to be home and play with his stuff while we go for walk in the neighborhood. I know my 10 year old is super responsible and a good child -- I would not have problems in leaving him alone for few hours if I absolutely have to.. though it has not happened. It depends if your son is mature and responsible and whether it is the right thing for him. First get the truth out then only take action. Also, it is natural for a child to look for mom's love and not go and call police .. you should ask him to call you or dad instead. Don't take any drastic actions when you are upset because it may come and bite you later. If the mom is not leaving the child alone and you call and enquire, she would get mad -- I would too so that is normal reaction for her.

Contact DCF. If something happened to either of your children you would be just as guilty as she is because you knew and did nothing about it.