My boyfriend 11 year old daughter is threatening to run away from home and come to our house to live because her mother forces her to watch her twin 5 yo brothers ALL THE TIME!!! She claims that she works all this overtime but the girl has told me that she knows her mother is not at work all the time. And we know this also. This child has a a worn down, fed up look in her eyes that aonly a grown woman doing everything herself with 8 kids should have!!! She is sick and tired of being sick and tired.She told mother last week that she does not want to live with her anymore and she is tired of watching the twins(all four of them live in a 4 them live in a 1 bedroom apt in a 4 family flat!)She is upset that her lazy, hard headed 13yo brother lives with us with cable, can do age, appropriate things, does not to babysit anyone and can pretty much be a kid. I took her out to ahve some me time(had to drop the twins off to my friend) and picked up her cousin took them out skating, to the buffet and to the movies and she was a totally different child. She texted today that she will run away to our house because she is fed up. She cannot go anywhere with these twins cannot do after school activities because of these twins, all she can do is watch them! THe mother told her you don't have a choice and YOU BETTER WATCH THEM. What can we do? We would love to have her but want to go about it the right way" Friend of the court would take too long? Help Please!!!
The reason that we have her brother is because she spoiled him as far ALWAYS cleaning up after him, telling him he didn't have to do anything,bringing home lousy grades but buying new clothes and Jordans the day of the bad report card, basically she comes from a family that caters to boys. And now she can't handle hi. He's disrespectful, smart mouth, EXTREMELY LAZY just plain ole' thiks the world owes him something because she has raised him this way. I told my boy firend to send him back over to her she made this mess let her clean it up. The grandmother raised his uncles like this and both are in jail right now, and have in and out of jail for awhile now.
Call social services. She is too young to be in charge of her younger siblings. Their mom could lose custody of all of them if social services finds out. In Oklahoma, they have to have someone at least 16 with them.
I suggest that you see an attorney and work towards change of custody. In the meantime go to Juvenile or Family court and ask for their advice. I've seen kids that age placed in foster care when they told the intake worker what was happening. Below is the way Oregon handles this sort of thing.
The court can place her with you if her mother agrees to it. There will be a hearing at which the judge or referee will decide on temporary custody. The judge may rule that she has to go back with her mother unless you've been able to document how serious the situation is.
Documentation should be in writing. Journal form and a calender works well. Sit down with her and go back as far as you can based on her memories of specific incidents. Write down the time the mother leaves the house and the time she returns home. Be as accurate as possible. Have your step-daughter put in writing how she feels about what is happening. Instead of writing it down she could tell you and you write it down or she could record it and then you transcribe it.
It may be a good idea to make an appointment with a child psychologist to enlist their help. If the psychologist talks with her, usually over several appointments, and agrees that living with Mom is detrimental to her mental health and makes a recommendation that custody be changed you will have a better chance at success.
Describe the living situation as well and what ever you know about the other children's lives. It's possible that a CSD investigation will be ordered.
Keep in mind that the judge may think of her as the typical teen who exaggerates and complains with an attitude problem. Keep this in mind and focus on presenting the reality of the situation. This means documenting other aspects of her life at home. You described it well in this post. Elaborate a bit on it. See if you can find other adults who've witnessed this and have them willing to testify.
Changing custody may be very difficult. Don't get discouraged and keep on working towards it. Start the process with as much info as possible. You say you know she's not at work. Document this so it's not just your word against hers. If possible find out where she is when she's not at work. If your step-daughter knows of neighbors who are sympathetic to her condition talk with them. Talk with her teacher about how she is at school. Does she look worn down and fed up at school? What has your step-daughter told the teacher. If she has described what is happening and how she feels?
If the school has a counselor talk with them and get their ideas. In Portland, Oregon the counselor can ask the school psychologist for an evaluation. The school people may not see that your step-daughter has a problem and may not be of any help.
One way to make this work, in Oregon anyway, is for your step-daughter to go to someone at school and tell them that she will not go home. It depends on the school what would happen next. I was frequently called to the school in cases like that and I would take the child into protective custody. I'm a retired police officer. A Children's Services Worker would then decide where to place the child. I would try to talk with both parents and make a recommendation but CSD didn't have to follow it and in fact wouldn't if the parent who had custody refused to approve placement with the other parent. The child would usually go into a temporary foster home and there would be a hearing the next day to decide where the child would go. A case would be opened. A caseworker would be assigned and a hearing would be scheduled for a time 2-3 months later.
When custody was in dispute between the parents the court encouraged the non-custodial parent to handle this in Family court rather than Juvenile Court. Often CSD and Juvenile Court would not get involved and the child would be sent back to the custodial parent until the non-custodial parent was able to get custody changed.
The school may not wish to be involved and would possibly call her mother to come get her. This may make the situation worse with her mother.
It was my experience that the best way to get started is for the child to make an appointment to talk with a Juvenile Court Intake counselor. Her father could take her. You could also go but it should be her father who is the most involved. The Intake counselor will listen to her and both of you and then make a recommendation.
Talk with an attorney before you go to Juvenile Court Intake. Find one who specializes in juvenile custody issues. He'll know best how to handle this in your county.
Why does her brother live with you? Those reasons might also apply to the sister.
All of this does take time. Encourage your step-daughter to stick it out until you find out how to help her. But also tell her if it gets totally unbearable to ask for help at school. If there is a counselor tell her to go to the counselor now and ask for help. Then if the situation does get unbearable the counselor will be more willing to help her have to not go home using the procedures used in your city/county.
In summary: 1) talk with an attorney. 2) talk with a Juvenile Court Intake Counselor. 3) talk with her teacher and the school counselor 4) after gathering info, make a plan
You will want to get a hold of child services. Explain to them, that she is 11. I believe in Mi, you have to be 12 to be home alone period. if you get a hold of child services, I would have give them an idea of when the 11 year old gets home from school and when the mom is gone working. so they know in advance a schedule of some sort of when the mother is around and such.
you didn't say how you ended up with her brother, but maybe based on that, your boyfriend can also go for full custody. He will want to speak with a lawyer about what all that entails. I do know being in michigan, it is VERY difficult, and that's where child services will be helpful if they can find the girl always home alone. Since in MI there is no age that they can chose. The only thing there is, is a time that the judge will say the child is competent to express their feelings on where to live, but they can't choose. If it gets to a custody hearing, the judge will talk to her, ALONE, and after that will make the decision if she has a say, but he will NEVER reveal what was said to him in private. All he is allowed to tell the parents is if her took what she said into considereation or not. My husband and I have looked into getting custody of his son, as he is 8, and he is left home alone enough, but for us, we felt it wasn't worth it. Plus we got his mom to change her schedule so he isn't home alone anymore either.
you have gotten a lot of good advice already - but i have to say i am pretty sure that 11 is too young (legally) to be left with small children. check it out. as long as you're willing to make her mad (there are some people who wouldn't act out of fear of causing waves, believe it or not), it sounds like you have every right and reason to keep her. contact a lawyer, it should be simple. good luck and kudos for doing the right thing!
not sure about there but around here 11-12 yrs old the child is legaly old enough to chose where they want to live granted it has to go infront of a judge but i say if you guys are stable enough for her to move in then go for it let her talk to the judge i had to when i was that age and the judge will do what he thinks is best for the child
It depends on exactly what you mean by "the right way". I would call social services and put in a call. I don't believe it's legal for her to watch kids at the age of 11 and I also think child labor laws come into play at some point. You are right, putting in an order for custody would be a lengthy process, but if social services were to make repeated visits to the house and find the daughter watching them alone then they could have justification to remove her form the home and place her with the other parent. This would give you time to apply for permanent custody.
Big problem. Try to work something out with the child until you can get her out of the home with her mother's approval and pray!!! and keep looking up.
We need more men like your boyfriend that are willing to take on the responsibility for their children in this country and not just walk away from them since he is no longer with their birth mom. It is awesome to see that you are willing to love and take care of his children as well.
First of all, child protection services dismisses a lot of cases, so don't expect them to jump right away, even if his daughter calls. However, I would suggest that she call 911 and say that she is home alone again and that she is afraid... and report that her mom leaves her home alone to babysit her siblings a lot and have her write the dates down on a calendar - her school daily workbook would be great! Make sure she reports it on a day where your boyfriend is available when/if the police would call him.
Second of all, birth mom is probably getting subsidy/welfare money from the government for these kids - so expect a battle from her - it always go back to the money and she is NOT going to want to lose her monthly source of income!
Third, the "right way" is the quickest way possible! Unfortunately, the 11 year girl is being emotionally scarred by living in that environment and the court system will drag on forever!
Fourth, it is a parent's job to advocate for their children. It is also their job to teach their children that they have a voice to speak up for themselves. Teach that girl to pick up the phone, call the police, ask for help and get out of that situation. Then show her that you will do your part and bring her into your home and allow her to have the childhood she deserves.
Thank God she trusts you enough to tell you what is going on in her mother's home and wants to be with you.
You or someone else call the police when you know she is alone with the kids or have the girl call the police to say she is scared and have her tell them the truth. Have someone follow the Mother and take photos of the time and dates when she is not at work and the daughter is watching the twins. Who watches the twins when the daughter is in school. Save that poor girl. Good luck
11 yrs old seems way too young to be watching 2 five year old twins, that would make me tired and I am a grown woman. I know it would take a long time, but I would at least get things started with friend of the court. If the mom has to work or wants to go out, she really needs to hire a sitter, not leave her kids home by themselves.
