Help Tween Daughter Has No Respect

Take the door of the hinges...if she didn't do the letter by the deadline - take her off the swim team. From personal experience, the empty threats only worsen the behavior. I will say though...the FIRST time I stood my ground and came through on a threat...not only was it a wake up call for my 16 year old...My 11 year old took notice too.
Yes, we still have attitudes or not doing chores. But whatever I threaten - I have to follow through. So...I have to watch what I threaten in the heat of the moment. It's a great skill to have: learning to think before you speak! Too bad it took me 38 years to learn that!!! LOL!
Good luck M....you'll get through this...

I to have a tween daughter ( she is ten) I can so relate to you in so many ways. It has gotten better once she has realized who is boss! It is hard but yes we are moms. I can set back and remember what I done to my parents especially my mom and now a mom myself I regret what I pulled with my parents. My daughter and I have butted heads as long as I can remember! He father and I divorced when she was 3 and for the longest time until about 2 years ago she resented me for leaving her father...... That was exremely hard.....

Anyhow, my advice that has worked for us is.....
1. Start taken things away that mean something to her.
2. Ground her for the weekend or a week or wht you see fit.
3. Take her out of activities
4. Treat her the same way she treats you
5. * If she is going to be destructive..... Remove her door, etc.

It all takes time and you will see a change trust me when my daughter had everything she pretty much owned she had to work harder to get them back.........
ALso when things get better have one on one time with her and have long talks make her feel like her opinions matter......

I tooo have done all this and my is and always has been a great kid but I was tooooo hard but know we see eye to eye and it has helped...

If you would like you can email me ____@____.com
Thanks and goodluck
It will in TIME get better

One thing I always remember and I actually do.... respect is earned.

When my daughter was going through the stage of mouthing off, etc.... I said to her.......... "I will treat you with as much respect as you treat me"

She "got it" after a couple times of realizing what it meant.

If you said you'd take her off swim team....do it. Follow through.

COMMUNICATION is key. This age group needs to know we love and support them. One thing we do a LOT of around here is talk about anything and everything.

Respect is tough. You have to work really hard to earn it and keep it! and even if you do, it isn't always easily given!

The best way to gain it is to show respect to her and others around you, it will be her best example. Try working on building a friendly relationship outside of the problems. Take her on mom/daughter outings and leave the drama at home, even if you have to bite your tongue. When you do argue, try and keep as calm and even tempered as possible, being firm, but willing to negotiate and always follow up after an argument or punishment with an increase of love. Catch her during the day doing good things and praise her often. It will help take the focus off the negativity. When a child feels like they are always in trouble, they stop trying, and it becomes a vicious cycle.

Also, the swim team is probably really good for her, don't take that away, it could really hurt her self confidence and lose all of the good things she is accomplishing from it and make things much worse. Try grounding her from something else.

It takes time, but it also takes two to build this into your relationship, so you have to be the one to start. You can ground her, take things away, pull her off the swim team, but none of that will matter as discipline if you can't help her realize how to cope with problems, make better decisions and cool her temper.

Start small with teaching her the basics of respect again. Maybe giving her a challenge to serve could help her attitude. Maybe everyday, ask her if she has helped anyone that day? Have a little family lesson about helping others and seeking ways to help someone everyday and she may begin to look for opportunities to serve and be respectful towards others.

Some good articles that can offer more examples and advice:
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/InekeVanLint7.html
http://www.emaxhealth.com/20/5951.html
http://parenting.families.com/blog/teaching-your-kids-how...

More reward for good behavior, less punishment for bad. Even though you don't want to take that approach because you are so often annoyed at her, it will work better.

Of all the punishments to give her, I think taking her off a swim team is a REALLY BAD IDEA. Exercise is really important and the best mood improver there is. Plus, the fact that she actually is motivated to be on a swim team and go to practices etc. is a really positive thing about your daughter. Many or most girls her age would not be on a swim team. Find something else to take away from her.

p.s. I wouldn't make her write a letter she doesn't feel. That's just fake and what's the point. I'm not saying she doesn't love you, of course she does, I just think a letter like that is pointless. When you and she are getting along I'm sure she could think of many good things you do for her.

Some children ARE more difficult. REWARD GOOD BEHAVIOR.

When you start seeing that attitude why do you allow her to continue speaking? Once you hear her tone stop her dead in her tracks.
I know most will be against this but a slap in the face may save her from losing her teeth one day if she attempts to talk like this to someone outside the family. But before it comes to this, remember that children will rise or fall to your expectations. If you see she doesn't talk this way to anyone else but you, then you know she can control it and you should expect her not to talk to you this way. And for those of you that are offended at the suggestion of a slap in the face, tell me how do the police respond to people out of control and verbally abusive? Are they not justified at some point to use violence? I know we are talking about an 11-year-old, but she will grow up with the attitudes she is allowed to have. If you parents are not willing to live by the word of God and at least apply the rod occasionally (Prov 22:15; 13:24), you may end up seeing reality slap your child in the face. Cold, hard reality is not a respecter of persons nor us it politically correct. Don't leave your child's discipline to reality, if you love her.
Maybe you need this wake up call. I'm not trying to be mean but it's distressing how society has tried to strip away parental authority and leave them helpless to dicipline their children. What should be a loving behavior toward your child is made to seem unloving and even abusive.
The non corporal punishment mentality is what in the end really hurts our
children.

Hi S.,
I have a child that I butted heads with from a very young age. She actually almost died at birth....preemie, emergency C-section, etc. I could see right away that the reason she lived was because she was a fighter and I promised, myself, my husband and God that I would appreciate her fighting spirit because it is why she lived. We had already lost a baby to stillbirth so I knew my "fighter' was a gift.

So 3 years later I hated her fighting spirit because of the daily battles, and I knew I needed help. ( I am an occupational therapist and had worked with kids for years and none of my experience or my training was making a difference) Our church offered the Redirecting Children's Behavior Course and I took it and it changed our lives so completely I became an instructor of the course. So I would suggest that you see if it is offered in your area. In Austin, several others besides me teach it.

Hear is the website if you want more info:
www.incaf.com
Here is an article about kids who power struggle:
http://incaf.com/articles/Avoiding_Power_Struggles.pdf

I have so much empathy for all of the struggles and my wish for you is that you can have closeness and cooperation with your daughter. Feel free to contact me directly if you would like any more resources/articles.
____@____.com
Blessings to you and your family,
K.

You are the parent and if she fails to choose to write the letter, be sure to follow through with whatever consequence you have promised.

I agree pulling her off the swim team is too harsh. That being said, maybe the next time she asks you to take her, say "Oh is that something I will be doing for you? Well I guess you need to earn that." and if she doesn't, dont' take her to practice. If it's that important to her, she'll get it.

Don't do her laundry or make her meals - at 11 she is old enough to do those things and when she complains about it, simply tell her that SHE told you that YOU were the worst mother in the world, so you figured she didn't want your help with anything. That you didn't think that it was right that you were doing her laundry and other things when she is disprespecting you and your house.

Take everything away - TV, Cell phone, computer, etc. I would think for a tween that would get VERY boring.

As far as the door goes, if she gets allowance, each week I'd take a portion of it (probably 75%) until she has enough money to pay to fix it. Then I'd have her help fix it. If she doesn't, remove the door completely. If she can't respect having a door, she doesn't get one.

Looks like I'm being harsh but my sister is difficult at times and I think some of those things worked with her.

Good luck!

First of all, stick to your guns. Do not back down. If she does not write her letter, pull the swim team privilege. Also, let her know that that kind of disrespect will not be tolerated in your house. Feel free to take away everything until she gets her act together- TV, computer (excepting school work), movies, friends. One of my friends even took her daughters door off the hinges because of her behavior.

Let her know that she is allowed to be angry, but she is not allowed to destroy property or hurt other people in her anger. Have her pay to fix the door jam.

Last- do not engage in her arguments. You are the parent and you have the last word. Let her know that whatever topic is not up for discussion and if she continues to argue, she will lose a privilege. Then calmly walk away. You must stay calm.

Ask yourself what taking her off the swim team is really going to accomplish. Is it going to teach her to respect you? Is she truly going to feel bad for what she has done? Is this a natural consequence for disrespect and damage to another's property?

Have her pay for the repair of the door. If she doesn't have money then sit down with her when you are both calm and make a list of chores she must complete to earn the money.

Tell her or better yet write her a letter about how her words hurt you. Discuss what the consequence will be for such language. Then you need to model respectful language for her.

I suggest reading the book How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It has really helped my husband and I in knowing how to deal with and understand our 13 year old daughter. Good luck!

Wow sounds like you are dealing with a me. As a child I was the same way. Stay strong, don't budge on what you asked her to do and the consequenses that follow. She may say many things that you don't want to hear or that she may not mean, you know she is just pushing you buttons to get her way. Stay calm and repeat yourself a lot, calmly. Remind her often that you love her. Let her feel but with boundaries. If she gets disrespectful because she doesn't like something she has a consequence. When the respect is evident the consequences are lifted. Just my expereince being a child like her and a mother of a child like her. I know if I could get my mom to feel bad, cry or get frustrated I had won!!! As a parent it isn't about winning or losing, its about raising a productive individual. I just started my daughter in counseling. I told her she could tell this person how bad I was and maybe it would help her get what she wants. She is going and it seems to be helping. Good luck, stay strong.

Dear Stacy,
I think taking your daughter off the swim team is too harsh. It is one area in which she excels-- it teaches discipline, and many other important life lessons. Isolating her from that is not a logical consequence.
My suggestions:
1. Spend some time with your daughter once a week such as a lunch date. Open up the lines of communication.
2. Your daughter needs to have more responsibility around the house --laundry, chores, etc. As a member of the family, certain tasks are to be expected--make your bed, clear the table, folding laundry, etc.
3. Don't buy your daughter any more material things--give her a weekly allowance instead. If she wants something, ask her if she has saved enough of her allowance to pay for it.
4. If you decide not to take her off the swim team, which I think taking her off the team is too severe and not a logical consequence, talk to her and tell her you overreqcted and are doing a "rewind". A logical consequence would be to take away her TV time for the week, or cell phone for the week. Also, she must pay for the door. If she doesn't have the money, give her chores she can do to do to get it fixed, or deduct it from her allowance. I give each of my kids .50 for every year old they are (11 x .50 = 5.50) Do not get it fixed until she pays for it.
5. When your daughter loses her temper, you Must remain calm. Monkey see, monkey do. Count to 10. Give yourself a time out if necessary to regroup. Do not model the very behavior you are trying to deter.
6. Give your daughter a journal so she can learn to express her feelings in a more constructive manner. She has got to learn to control her anger and that it is not acceptable to destroy your property or be disrespectful to you. It appears from your post, that you have been way to lenient with her and have tolerated her behavior.
7. Volunteer with your daughter one afternoon or evening. Begin to make volunteering a part of her life. Volunteering instills humility better than anything else.
8. Talk to your daughter. Set boundaries with her. Read the book Boundaries with Kids (rated 5 stars on Amazon).
Good luck and God Bless.

Under no circumstances should you not follow through with the consequences that you have outlined. She is seeking boundries and you are the one who must give themto her until she matures enough to set her own. She should also have to repair or pay to repair the door she damaged. Please continue to remind her that you love her in spite of her behavior but will not tolerate her disrespect. Ifg her father is in the picture he needs to be on the same page as far as these actions are concerned.

It is so tough raising children and especially this age. She is not longer a baby, no longer a little girl and she is in that in the middle stage, however no child should have that much anger that they kick the nails out of the door. You have gotten some good advise below however please consider counseling with a child physcologist or ask your doctor. It seems to me there is more to the root of this problem that you are not able to reach. It can't hurt to try it and most insurance will cover it. As for the letter you asked her to write and to write down all the good things you do for her. Why didn't you ask her to write all the good on one side and all the bad on the other and take a look at what she might say that are bad. This might give you some insight as to what angers her. She does need some discipline but each child is different in how you handle that and apparently what you are doing is not totally working. Some children can take the punishment be it taking things away, restriction etc. and some do not and there might be a better or different way to handle things. I don't know what your life is like, if you are married or a single Mom. If single, are you now dating etc. These do have effects on your children if not handled correctly. Talk to you doctor and see if they can give you some advise as well. Why not take just her and yourself and go for a walk in a park and have a picnic or to a museum and have lunch and force yourself not to argue. See if just the two of you can have a nice mother / daughter afternoon. She may open up in little ways and you may be surprised. Like I said it is so hard to raise children however we are not perfect and sometimes we get so wrapped up in everyday things that we overlook the obvious or ignore problems that should not be ignored. Doesn't make us bad mothers, just makes us normal with our hectic lives. We all do the best we can but sometimes we need advise or help from outside sources. I had a rebellious teenage daughter and I thought it would never get better. I had a lot of sleepless nights and worries, but she did grow up and today is a very responsible mother of her own. All the things I thought she wasn't learning or wasn't listening to, she did and I am just so proud of her today. Good Luck to you. It will all turn out but please get help for her now. Kids are under so much different stress than their mothers and you don't want her to do something foolish and then look back and wish you had done this or that.

Hi S. N,
Parent coach J. B here and I'm sorry to hear of your struggles with your DD. I could write several pages on this response, but I'll make five overall suggestions instead. First, your daughter needs a direct, natural consequence for the damage to your house. If she has any money, let her help repair AND pay to fix the door/hinges/frame. You might take the repaired door down and tell her the conditions by which she earns the right to hang it back up. Second, it is time to revisit any and all rules for her behavior. The rules, such as doing specific chores, getting studies and homework done and acting and speaking with respect should have consequences that come every time for infractions. Third and just as important, make time every week to hang out together (just the two of you) and laugh and share love. Unconditional love will help her accept your authority instead of fighting it so much. Look for and buy a book or two on parenting strong-willed children. You'll find other ideas there. My final suggestion is to seek professional help if the situation does not improve soon. She sounds like she needs some ways to handle her emotions in a healthier manner.
Feel free to contact me if you'd like,
Parent Coach J. B

Wow. Where were the boundaries and the respect in the early stages of infancy? Parents are not friends with children until they are around 16 or 18. You are going to have your hands full reigning in this kid. You could keep her on the swim team but talk to the coach and let them know what is going on and they can possibly handle the problem by not letting her participate in her favorite event for a few meets. When she asks the coach why she could not swim they can tell her about xyz at home and that that is not the way to handle life. As for the door, it would come off the hinges and be fixed but not put back up until she can respect you (whether it be 6, 9 or 12 months from now). Yes, the letter of apology NEEDS to be done. If it is not, she will have to figure a way to practice without you or dad otherwise she is home for x number of days. Plan a date and go to lunch and that's it no arguing about what is happening at home. Spend more mom and daughter time together so that you two can find a middle ground. Above all else don't let her see that she is getting under your skin. If you have to cry do it in the shower away from her and grow some bigger balls and you are going to need them. Ask her who is the parent and who is the child and say it in a firm voice with no emotion. Let her think about it for a while and have her respond back. It should be you are the parent and I am the child. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.

First welcome to tween parenthood hu? Remember it is best to pick the battles, somethings are worth fighting for and others not so much. Take away things that are reasonable. I think the swim team is not a good thing to take, however phones, grounding, TV, Radio. These also need to start out low say a day then increase as needed. Sit down one on one and tell her we put rules out because we love you and to prepare you for the world when you get out on your own, cause their will be rules even when your an adult.
Let her know that her disrespecting you or other family memebrs is not ok and she will have consequences for her actions. Also a big help is teen church groups, they teach the way children their role in the family. God bless and good luck

Thanks for trusting us to vent to. Recently I had some exposure to "Reality Disciple". Some of the ideas I WISH I had thought of. For me this idea is going to take some work.
Keep us posted. We can all learn from each other.

I think it is easy just to give in and not hold your ground. I am the mother of 2 grown daughters and the grandmother of 2. If you say that you will pull her off the swim team then that what you need to do. At this point in time I think you really need to show her what you do for her. Start by stop doing 1 thing at a time and continue until she realize the thing we give up so they can have. As you take these things away tell her why. But you can't give in and yes I know it going to hurt you. My daughter when she was in second grade she came home with D's on her report card and she was an A student. I told her that she was grounded until her grade's can up which was 6 weeks. So I stay home with her while her father and big sister went everywhere. Well she was going to show me and yes she was then and still to this day has a STRONG MIND. To make a long story short we stay home the whole school year until the last report card before school was out. But she learned an important lesson and no we never had to revisit that one again.

I know exactly how you feel. Has she always been like this or is recent? She's probably entering adolescence and when those hormones kick in - watch out! Adolescence can also trigger a whole lot of things that may have been below the surface such as depression. Has she been checked for depression? Kids who are depressed often act out in anger. Does she have good social skills? Girls who have Asperger's often don't get diagnosed until about middle school because their symptoms as children are a little different than boys. In middle school when things get more complex, things start falling apart.

My daughter, now a mother, had an attitude in middle school. We had just been shopping, gotten home, when her mouth started. I immediately took away all the new clothes. She was going to have to earn tlhem back. When I was cleaning out a closet, I found some of the clothes she had not earned back.
Another time, out of sheer frustration, she was slapped (I immediately regretted that action). She immediately said she was going to call CPS.
I told her I would get the phone book for the number, BUT first lets go look in her room. I showed her all the materialistic things she had...stereo, TV, clothes,shoes (!), jewelry, etc. When CPS comes, you are not allowed to take any thing with you, OR if you are, it is one small suitcase. Once you get to a foster home, you do not have a room to yourself. The clothes you take with you become community property for all in the home; plus what clothes you do get, will probably come from Wal-Mart or a $ Store variety, NOT GAP, Old Navy, Macy's, etc. You are expected to help out in the home, as well as do your school work on your own...OH, and by the way, you will not be attending the school with all your friends, you are removed from the area.
I do not know if all of this is true, BUT this gave her food for thought!
Yes, we continued to butt heads (and still do), but she also heard NO alot more, especially if she was having an attitide when she wanted something new.
And the door removal does work. I had a friend whose young teen stepdaughter was having attitude/respect issues with her which included slamming the bedroom door in my friend's face. One day when she came home from school, the door was gone. The girl had to learn to behave appropiately...she did not have to like the stepmother (my friend), but she did have to show respect to her as an adult in her life. It took awhile, but things did eventually get somewhat better in the home.
My daughter/mother still hears NO from me, especially when she wants me to co-sign something with her...I have learned my lesson and my credit rating is finally coming up! She has to figure out how to get it or if she really needs it...she is the one working 3 jobs. When her daughter finally goes to live with her (she is with us...it was an agreeable arrangement, since she was going to school and working full time. She has since graduated, is working the 3 jobs, and deciding what school district she wants to live in),
she will realize she no longer has the time for her wants and pleasures; that her daughter comes FIRST.

I don't believe that you need to earn her respect as another mom suggested. Yes, that's true in life, but it's different (in my own opinion) between parents and kids. However, there are approaches you can take in disciplining her that will help her view you differently.

If you listed to all the experts say, kids need and subconsciously want boundaries. I think what you're doing so far is great. You're setting expectations and if you stick to the consequences, she'll lost something important to her, let her teammates down, and have to face the fall-out.

While I think it's important for you to have a great relationship with her with open communication, I believe there is a line to draw between being your child's parent and being their friend. My role, first and foremost, is being their parent.

The hard thing to teach is accountability - we're severely lacking accountability in our world today. People really need to learn to fess-up and say, "I made a mistake".

Kicking in doors sounds like a temper issue that may need to be reigned in outside of your capabilities. If she were my daughter, I'd take her to a therapist to learn to cope with her anger issues before they really become worse. And, I'd make her pay for any repairs to items she's broken/destroyed because of it.

Having been a great kid in high school (didn't drink, was active in sports, class president, good student), I was always getting grounded. My parents were strict, and they carried out their punishments which were over the top at times. I can still recall getting slapped across the face at age 16 for talking back. Curbed that behavior quickly.

Good luck!

I'm going through an issue right now with 10 year constantly getting into trouble at school then not accepting responsibility for it. I had told her two weeks ago she had until the end of school year to turn her behavior around or we would seriously talk about her going to live with her father. Now this past week she brings home two more conduct marks and still says it's not her fault so I told her she needed to get ready to go to his house sooner. Of course, I'm reluctant to follow through but she has seriously tested my last bit of patience. I have talked to her, taken away her time with friends, etc. and she still gets into trouble at school. As I substitute teach in the district, I'm very aware that a conduct mark is not given out readily. There are at least two warnings first which lets me know she's pushing past the teacher's limits. I am probably going to speak to her teachers this week and then reassess whether or not to let her father step in. She has written two letters to me expressing her desire to not move but still no apology for her behavior nor has she taken any responsiblity for getting into trouble.
I know I'm not giving any answers to you but as I don't have any for myself, just wanted to commiserate and let you know you are not alone, my dear.

The butting head thing YOU let get out of control. You need to establish that you are the parent (grown-up) and she is the child. When she kicked the door, you should have taken the door off and left her doorless. You should have NEVER gotten use to her saying she hates you, and there is no such thing as a child "....just in the heat of the moment...." statements. The apology should not, I think, be in a letter form, it should be verbal and face to face. If you want her to write then give her a diary book to write her thoughts down. I would not pull her off the swim team, but she would have to miss a meet if she does not apologize (verbally, sincerely, and without attitude). Respect is earn not demanded. You have let this go for too long, but now is the time to turn it around. Counseling may need to be in order, for the both of you.

The main thing is stick your guns. If you say she's off the swim team b/c of disrespect then stick to that. Don't give in b/c you might start to feel guilty (not to say you would but, just generally speaking). She has some type of underlying issue that needs to be addressed. My 11 y/o neice is acting the same, disrespectful way but her mom (my sister) is verbally abusive so that's an underlying reason. Now she's living w/our mom (her g-ma) & mom's at her wits end. She's way too old to be treated like that. Maybe your daughter has a similar issue, maybe she's being mistreated at school or being bullied somehow & just doesn't know she can talk abt it to you. Why don't you just ask her abt that. Just let her know she can talk to you abt things w/o feeling 'weird' about it. If you get no response then just remind her that you are the parent & as the parent it's your job to see she grows into a mature, respectful young lady & she's not being respectful at this time so she has to feel repercussions of her actions & that includes being taken off swim team. You may need to take it a bit further & put her in counseling. Hope this helps & good luck! I know what you're going thru!