Help, Time Vampire!

Uggg! Nothing worse than the long time chatterer! My mother in law is just like that, goes on and on. I've learned to set expectations early on in the conversation or visit to say hey, just so you know, I have to get dinner going so I'll need to hop off the phone in a few and can't talk long. Or if she comes over, make the same type of time constraint. Something like, glad for you to come have dinner but shortly after we need to get the kids to bed so it will be an early night. Something like that. Good luck!

Hi S., I know exactly what you are talking about. I have the same problem. I have to be broutely honest. I will tell her that I really have to go and that I really enjoyed her visit but I have things to do. We don't speak often but I also enjoy her company. Life goes on and she will talk about the same thing everytime even on the phone. With people like that you just have to be HONEST!

The phone part is the easier of the two problems. A simple, "Let me let you go because I have to...(fill in the blank)...". I hate to say it but you might have to "fudge" a little. People like this simply dont get it.
As far as the in person visits. Thats a little trickier. You might just have to stand up and say something along the lines of, "well, I really need to get ..(fill in the blank again)..." Say it with the tone of voice that the visit is over. Also, have the thing that you need to do, be something that she cant stay there and participate, such as bathing the children, helping them with school work,etc. I would be willing to bet that this is a nice person. I dont think that you have to be rude. She has shown you that you have to "take charge" so to speak. Otherwise, she'll probably just keep going on and on and on and on....
I have a friend like this. Sometimes it makes me sigh just to see her name on the phone when it rings. I've learned that an excuse as simple as, "let me let you go, I need to use the restroom" is all that it takes.
Shes probably convinced I have a bladder problem!!!
Margaret:)
P.S. I LOVE that you say, Time Vampire!!! Funny stuff!!!

Wow- to the poster with the vampire poem/article- I used to know someone just exactly like that and as much as I hated to do it, I cut her out of my life. She recently befriended me on Facebook and I was actually SCARED to reply!!

Hi S.,
I screen my calls so that when I don't have time to talk to one particular friend that talks a long time (and frequently) I just don't answer it. He has expressed concern that I am mad at me but I told him I'm just very busy. I also tell people that the BEST way to get ahold of me is via email because then they can say everything they want to say when it's a good time for them, and I can say everything I want to say when it is a good time for me! As a busy mom of four little girls that's just the way it has to be sometimes.

I also tell people that I have "only a few minutes" and then decide just what time I need to get off the phone and am firm about it. As for visits, well for someone to stay during bedtime is pretty rude. If she wants to come over again you should tell her that you are happy to visit with her but you will need her to leave by such and such time. When I go to a friend's house I try to leave before her husband gets home. If we happen to be together for dinner then I leave as soon after dinner as possible so they can have the evening crunch time without worrying about a guest. It could be that your friend is actually on the spectrum and doesn't realize that it's a bad time for you to visit. You might need to just tell her.

A great thing to do when you are ready for her to leave is stand up and say "Thank you for stopping by, I really enjoy visiting with you! I'm sorry I have to cut it short but I have XYZ I have to attend to. Let me know when you are free again and we'll try to get together."

Since everyone I spend time with lives a long ways away, I do tend to visit for several hours. But then, I also don't get together with them often either. I just don't feel like driving an hour and a half round trip to visit for an hour. When they want to get together for a short time I suggest we meet half way some place.

Speaking of which, Paul doesn't have class on Tuesdays for the rest of the semester and he said he'll watch the girls so I can have a night out. Yeah!

Anyway, I don't know how your friend would react to the direct approach but I prefer it myself. :)

S.

Well, I am kind of abrupt. My friends know and love me, but if they couldn't handle the direct approach they probably wouldn't have stuck around! I just tell people the truth. I had a lady that was a time sucker and driving me crazy. I was big and pregnant and about to pop and we had just bought a new home. I was tired and busy! She kept calling and calling and leaving me these messages that were all guilt ridden. So I called her and lovingly told her that although I did care for her I could talk to her about once every two weeks or so and that was it. Now she did take the approach of saying that I could just call her when I had time and she never calls anymore. And you know I call her when I have time. Problem solved. But one of my best friends is kind of like the lady you described. She loves to talk and talk :) And I love her so much but when she is at the house and I need to get my little one to bed I just say " OK, I have to put the little man down, thanks for coming over!" She laughs gets her stuff and heads home. So we just love each other enough for me to put up with her talking and her to put up with my directness. I guess I am just saying you might want to just talk to your friend openly. When you need to get off the phone after 20 minutes just say, "Hey I have to run, great talking to you!" And just get off. If she gets offended she must not be meant to be your best girlfriend. When she comes over invite her just two hours before you will need to get the kids to bed or whatever. Like if bedtime is 8, invite her for dinner at 6. Then at like 7:45 just say,"It was so great having you over! I have to get my kiddos to bed, we should get together again in a couple weeks." Then just get up and start ushering her to the door. It sounds rude, but she will learn. I also think that making sure you call her sometimes and pursue friendship with her will make her secure that you do like her and want a relationship with her. Sorry to be so long winded!! Hope it works out ;)

Hi S., I know how that feels and you don't want to hurt her feelings either by telling her to leave because you have things to do, maybe try this; Have her help you in what ever is in your schedule like for example suggest to her this "Would you please help me dust some of my furniture in the living area or wash some dishes or help me prepare dinner, etc, while I read a story to my children". The poor lady,maybe she's bored at home and likes your company or maybe she's trying to get away from doing her housework chores, put her to work in a sense and maybe she'll say to her self "Hey I don't do this at home,I should leave before this lady put me to clean toilets, I'm being put to work here"L.O.L.See S. that's what my sister does to my sister and I when we visit her so I try not to visit her that often there was a times when she had a truck load of soil put in her yard to fix her lawn and we(my sister and I) just stop by to visit,well she put us to work, we joke around when she tell us why don't you all visit me any more and our reply is H--- no you put us to work no thanks of course we're joking but every time she's working in her house we do tend to avoid going there. But my sister does that to everyone who visit her, everyone know her she's just that way.That's funny,maybe that would work for you.Just a suggestion.

Hey S. ~

I agree w/ the other two ladies, only I would like to add to them.

First, if she calls when you just don't have time to talk, don't answer the phone and call her back when you have time. When you call her back, say something along the lines of "I only have a few minutes to talk, but I saw that you called and wanted to get back to you." That way you are establishing from the beginning that you can't be on the phone too long.

Next time she comes over, tell her ahead of time that you'd like to have her over from 12-2 or about an hour or however long you'd like. Then when her time is up, say, "I've so enjoyed our visit and look forward to getting together again, however, I must get busy w/ _______." Or something along those lines.

It sounds like she just needs some boundaries and if you don't let her know, she'll think that you enjoy visiting w/ her for long periods of time and will continue this pattern.

Hope this helps and that you have a great week!

N.

I'd love to see your responses as I've had a similar situation recently. Good luck and share your solution! What I've done is stand up and kind of sigh and say "well, I've got a list of chores a mile long that I'd better get on". Sometimes it works but mostly it doesn't!!!
Good luck

I agree with some of the other responders. Start out EVERYTHING with this woman with a time limit. Either set yourself up with an out, or tell her "At 4:30, I have to go because I have to _______"(fill in blank.)

You could also work while she is there. Just because she is visiting your house, doesn't mean you have to sit and entertain her. This isn't the 50s. Fold the laundry while she is there, do the dishes, get lunches ready for the next day, whatever.

An out could be your husband saying "Honey, I really need you to do ____" or "Honey, we really need to get going."

I'd say it's better to be honest with the woman, and tell her that you will have to ask her to leave at _____ (whatever time you need to her leave.) Setting up an out for yourself may work, but it might be a lot more work than being honest with her.

Sounds like this woman might be single? If she is, set her up with someone! She may be looking for someone to spend some time with. I was lonely when I was single and almost 30. Most of my friends were older, and part of established families. Luckily one couple I was friends with didn't care how long I stayed because I helped around the house, and their kids loved me. But I also could tell when it was time to go.

Tell her! It is important that you let her know that your schedule does not allow you to be on the phone for longer than 20 minutes at a time or to have guests over for that length of time, especially in the evenings when your time needs to be devoted to your family. You have to stand up and tell her b/c obviously she does not realize it on her own. You can tell her this nicely and if she really is a good friend, she will understand. I have a friend that likes to hang on the phone all of the time also and I often have to tell her that I have to go to do whatever. And, I have told her that I can't be on the phone all of the time. But, still if I don't speak up, she will literally talk my ear off!
Good luck with this.. I know it is hard to have to tell someone something like this. She should understand and be willing to abide by your available time. =)

You have a problem! People like these have issues and they will take up all your time if you're not firm and stand your ground,then they will move on to the next person.When she calls,you need to interrupt the conversation and just tell her that you need to go because you have to make dinner,laundry ,etc.If she comes to visit and stays longetr than anticipated,invite her to the kitchen to talk to you while you cook,clean or do laundry and when it's time to sit down to dinner, you have to tell her that it's your family time to have one meal to-gether and this is the only time of the day that you get this.I had the same problem and when this particul;ar person called,my husband would take the call and tell her that I was busy and couldn't talk - this happened after I was on the phone until 2am!Needless to say she does not have my new cell #.Some people do not catch a hint very easily and therefore you will need to be upfront or plan to meet for coffee at a coffee shop and stipulate that you only have an hour and when your time's up you just have to leave.I pray you have wisdom to be able to confront and control the situation without causing any offense.

How about the direct approach ? You might say something like, S., or whatever her name is, I truly enjoy our visits; but, I have to get off the phone now. I have many responsibilities, and I simply must talk at a later time. Then hang up.

If the lady is over at your house, just say basically the same except you need to get on with it. Ask her to come back another day. Tell her you will call. Do call when you have a free moment; but, stick to your time limit.

Apparently, only the very direct approach will work with her.

Good luck and best wishes.

Apparently this lady did not have any rules instilled in her family upbringing!!! Gently tell her that you cannot stay on the telephone longer than 20 minutes at a time. Her visits can only be for 30 minutes. Tell her you have a husband, children, homework, housework to tend and though you value her friendship, your family is priority. Good luck.

S.,

You have my heartfelt sympathy! We are products of a CRAZY society (!) that has been brainwashed into thinking we are being kind and courteous to people in situations where their behavior, in FACT, is discourteous and unthoughtful. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being straightforward and frank with other people, regardless of the situation, as long as we demonstrate a gentle spirit and treat each other with dignity and love. In fact, if you let this go, it is more likely that your resentment of her intrusion on your time will grow; then you may be tempted to be unkind (or cut her off completely.) Just tell her now, sweetly, but without apology, what your time constraints are.

With encouragement,
K.

Truth doesn't hurt; it "frees." God bless you, and perhaps the following will help you:

1 Kings 22:16 -- ... "How many times must I adjure you to speak to me nothing but the truth in the name of the LORD?"

Psalm 85:10 -- "Lovingkindness and truth have met together; Righteousness and peace have kissed each other."

Jeremiah 9:5, 8 --"(5) Friend deceives friend, and no one speaks the truth. They have taught their tongues to lie; they weary themselves with sinning. ...(8) Their tongue is a deadly arrow; it speaks with deceit. With his mouth each speaks cordially to his neighbor, but in his heart he sets a trap for him."

Zechariah 8:16 -- "These are the things you are to do: Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgment in your courts."

John 3:21 -- "But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."

1 Corinthians 4:21 -- "What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love and with a gentle spirit?"

1 Corinthians 13:5-6 --"(Love) is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth."

Galatians 4:16 -- "Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?"

1 John 2:21 -- "I have not written to you because you do not know the truth, but because you do know it, and because no lie is of the truth."

I would establish boundaries at the beginning of every visit or phone call. "Hi! Hey, I only have about 20 minutes.....but how are things going?" later "Oh my! I have to run! Talk to you again soon!"

Being consistent and firm is key. These people generally need attention that they are lacking. You just can't be the only one she turns to. Allow her to spread the wealth! :-)

I hope this is of some help - I subscribe to a blogging site called Dumb Little Man - they happened to have put out an article concerning time vamps - I have copied and pasted it below -

**************************************************

They live among us, in human form.

To the untrained eye, it is almost impossible to tell the difference.
Typically they look like you and I, but they're not, they're not like us at all.

They are Vampires and their modus operandi is not to steal your blood but rather, your precious energy.
Your life-force.
Your mojo.
To drain you emotionally and psychologically.
To frustrate you with their repetitious, self-indulgent, attention-seeking diatribe.

They are often bitter, angry and resentful...and they want you to share their pain.
They don't want solutions, they want pity.
They don't want constructive feedback, they want attention.
They don't want to take responsibility, they want to blame and vent.
They seem to revel in their own misery.

Day in, day out. They have the same conversations about the same issues with the same people and produce the same result; no change.

They major on minors.
They bring others down.
They have a gift for finding the negative.

They are emotionally exhausting to be around.

They inhabit our work places, our families, our schools and they permeate every corner of society.

Note: I will point out that Energy Vampires are not to be confused with the vast majority of people who simply need help, support, direction and care... and are serious about working on themselves and their situation. They are also not to be confused with people who are genuinely looking for answers (not attention or sympathy) and are prepared to accept responsibility, be accountable and be proactive.

No, the people I'm talking about here are relentless in their negativity and their 'woe-is-me' ness (a Craigism).

As most of you know, I am serious about helping people create their best life and I choose to spend much of my life working with a wide range of people to help them confront and deal with their issues and create their own version of amazing. But, I'm not about letting people monopolize my time and energy and I won't buy into their poor attitude or their negativity. I don't care how messed up someone's life or situation is, if they have a good attitude, I'll help them. Gladly.

If they're a Vampire, I'm outta there. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

It's great to be a giver, a carer and a feeler (sometimes), but now and then we need to take a stand with certain people.. because if we don't, we begin to suffer and then nobody wins.

So here are my tried and proven tips for coping with Energy Vampires.
(Not every tip is appropriate for every person and situation but you might find some of them useful)

Identify the Vampires in your life, acknowledge the impact they have on you and make a resolution to change the way you communicate (interact with, exist with) those people.

Don't buy into their life's-not-fair-and-nobody-understands-me monologues. Feed it and you'll create a monster.

Be straight with them and tell them that you will not have the same conversations about the same issues any more (yes this takes courage).

This sounds harsh, but some Vampires need to be avoided.

Don't give them too much time. When a Vampire walks into my office I stand as if I'm about to go somewhere. I'll give them a few minutes and if I feel we're heading down the same old path, I'll start walking and shut the conversation down.

Ask them questions like "so you've identified the issues, tell me how you can change things for the better?"

If you have a Vampire who is in your life to stay (family perhaps), create some rules of engagement... "I will not talk about 'these' issues again until I see you doing XYZ."

Choose your friends and acquaintances wisely. Make sure you spend (lots of) time with people who will drag you up, not down. You need to keep your tank full.

Spending lots of time with Vampires is draining and unenjoyable. Pay attention to the remainder of your work week, how many do you have lurking around your office?

Dear S.,

Have you considered that your "Friend" may have a problem in that she is insecure and needs you to talk to because you are obviously a careing person.
You have your own needs and responsibilities to think about and you can not let this woman take away your precious time.
If you can not bear to talk to her about this then just write her a letter and deliver it in person and have her read it in your presence and then discuss the letter with her.
You will salvage her friendship if you do this but your friendship will not survive if you feel increasingly used by her needs.

Margaret

Have you tried to tell your new friend this? No matter what your age, you have a full plate. Maybe sitting her down over a cup of coffee and telling you enjoy your visits, but remind her you have children and husband that require your time also. Set a time limit and stick to it. Just mention that running household for you is very demanding and that you also need family time with just your family.

S., this woman is probably very lonely and needy emotionally and wants a friend. However, it is not your responsibility to take her into your family ,especially at the expense of your other kids and your husband. Have a heart -to -heart talk with her and explain that you need to set some limits on your time because you have other obligations in your life. Make it positive. Be sure you tell her how much you value her friendship, but be firm. I know this is hard. My sister is like this and calls me and expects me to drop everything for her when she calls. However, it is more complex when it is a sister. I am also not being as firm as I should about time limits. Do I sound like a parent saying "Do what I say, not what I do?" I know this is not easy. Do try. You can't afford to give up all your family time to her. It is especially hard with two kids on the "spectrum." Good luck. J. K.

S.--This is tough because peoples feelings are sitting on top of their shoulders. Sit down and YOU decide how much time you can give to this person without compromise to yourself or family. These are your abounries and if left un-attended this friendship will be short lived.

I have to ask.....what is the Spectrum??

Thanks-
W.

Boy, have we all had one of these in our lives!!!
Firstly, don't let her intimidate you, which is precisely what she is doing. She is clearly lonely and you are filling the gap for her. It isn't that she is unaware that it's rude to overstay her welcome or hog your time on the phone, it's just that she thinks you are happy with it since you aren't complaining.
The best thing you can do for her and yourself is to be honest. On the phone say "Oh I'm sorry, but I HAVE to hang up now...speak to you later" and then PUT DOWN THE PHONE.
When she visits and overstays her welcome - say "Gee I'm sorry, I am going to have to break up the visit, I have a mountain of things to get done - we'll have to see one another another day" Get up and lead her by her elbow kindly to the door.
Try to lay down firm boundaries in future with this friend. If she's a true friend, she will understand and be sympathetic to your needs and if she isn't worth having anyway, she will become offended and push off.

Hi S.! My advice for this situation is be honest. If she calls and you only have 20 min. to talk, then tell her. When that 20 min. is up then it is time to hang up. If you agree to a get together limit it to a time frame. When that time is up excuse yourself and say your goodbyes. If you dont feel comfortable having her in your house and limiting the visit meet at her house or at mutual territory. I am kind of like you, I dont want to hurt anyones feelings but for some people you have to be firm but loving. Good luck!
H.

blame it on the kids! just say something like, sure come on over, it would be great to see you....and 10-11.30am is just the perfect time when the kids will be awake and we can talk at normal adult voice levels!!! (hint: after 11.30 you need to leave so they can take a nap) if she doesn't get the hint after that, meet at a neutral place like a bookstore where you can leave once you need to...instead of trying to get her out of your house. hope this helps!

Sounds exhausting! Maybe you could tell her that you'd love to get together but you only have an hour and a half for lunch. Meet out and then you can both leave at a reasonable time. As for the phone, I would say just be up front. Tell her that you can chat for a bit, but then you need to get going soon as you have some housework to get done. It's better to either tell her the truth or limit your time. Don't let resentment build up.

my mother in law is very similar...especially phone calls. i now call her only from my car, in between errands. that way there is an ending point...and i prewarn her in the beginning of the conversation, "hey, i'm just on my way to pick up the kids from school". that way i can cut her off when i need to, "ok i'm here, so i gotta go". the visits are harder....so you may want to have something planned..."come over to visit, but i have to go to ___ at 3". good luck!

Oh girl - that is SO simple. YOU are the problem here - not her. (no offense)

To solve the problem say "Sure you can come on over for 30 minutes but then I'll have to get dinner ready for the kids."

So then she comes over and after 30 minutes you stand up and say "Oh my - 30 minutes sure does go quickly when there's such pleasant conversation. I have to get dinner started now. ARE YOU GOING HOME OR DID YOU WANT TO STAY AND HELP ME?"

If she is a lonely person she would probably be more than willing to HELP OUT in exchange for the friendly conversation.

Alternatively you say "I'm sorry to rush our visit but you know how busy families can be." and stand up and walk to the door and open it up for her.

This isn't rude - this is clear boundaries. Of which you have had none before or you wouldn't have reached this point of exasperation!

Make the message clear - I have X amount of time. Sit and visit pleasantly duing that X amount of time and when it's over you have other things to do. If she wants to stay and talk more she can help you fold laundry! Or sweep! Or chop vegetables for the crock pot meal you are putting together....whatever.

OR you then say the time is up - bye - see you later - I'll call you in a couple days.

And that, my dear, is that.

A. <><

I have been in this same situation! In my situation, my friend is a single friend with no kids. By the way, she is a wonderful and supportive friend, still. Maybe this will help you keep your friendship with her as well. I have learned that when I simply and politely state my lack of time or schedule to her in black and white terms, it works. She fully respects this and she never gets her feelings hurt. This really surprised me because I was afraid she would think I was being rude. What a friend she turned out to be as well. I still must guide her to the front door or state a few times that I must get off now, but I do so. Also, I can only answer her calls when I have more than a few minutes to talk or I will call her later in the evening when I have extra time. Also, I will tell her I only have about 15 minutes to talk. This way she has the opportunity to the point quicker if need be. When she visits, I politely excuse myself from our conversation when my children need me during the day and have found out that she often helps me out by helping them with studying. She is a terrific friend that loves happens to love to talk, talk, talk. By being straight forward with her on my demands during our social calls or visits, our friendship is lasting and adapting. And hey, I feel kids and family responsibility first.

Hi S.

I suggest that you invite her to do something and start telling her how much time you have for that event. Such as "I only have a hour but would you like to go to lunch" just be honest let her know that you enjoy her company but you have other things to do. If she wants your friendship she will understand.
Good luck and GOD Bless.