What Would You Do in This Situation? - Mesa,AZ

We have fixed this problem in my group of friends. When we go out to dinner the phones go in a stack face down on the table. The first one to grab their phone pays the bill. If no one takes their phone we split evenly. Phone distractions are way down lol.

What Wild Woman and LivTokyo said. There are social "rules", but some people have not gotten that they apply to social media as well. Gentle, direct like these two ladies suggested. If she doesn't get the hint, let the friendship drift away because it's more of an acquaintance in that case.

That is not a friend. Are you a loon? YES...but you don't have to be. Don't you think you are worthy of having friends who actually appreciate you company?

Don't let this (non-friend just be a free loader)

Just tell her. Seriously. TELL HER. If you don't communicate with her - how is she going to know you don't like it?

My girlfriends and I have a "rule" - when we go out to dinner our cell phones are in our purses or on the table - whoever reaches for it first - pays for everyone!! :) (we usually split the bill). The only exception is when we are expecting a call from our kids or husband.

But really - so many people are "wired" and are oblivious to what they are doing. So TELL HER. Tell her - "Jane, look, I love you - but if you want to come to my home for a week - I want to be able to be with you - not you and your iPhone. I want to spend time with you and make it quality time."

She can't change if you don't tell her.

I find this very rude, too. Anytime any of my girlfriends pull out their phone during a conversation with me, I always just stop talking. If they ask me to continue, I always say, "Oh, I'll wait until you're done with that." Then do. Sometimes, a friend will say something like, "Oh, I'm just checking FB," or "So-and-so just sent me such-and-such." I smile, nod, and wait for her to finish. Do not allow the flow of conversation to be re-established until the phone is GONE. Oh, and continue to stare at your friend as though trying to talk to her. No need to look away so that you don't make her uncomfortable.

I have yet to have a friend who didn't get the picture. I suppose if I did, and it continued through a dinner or something, I would just excuse myself early, saying it was obvious that my friend was too busy for me right then, and maybe we could get together another time when she's got more free time.

First if out for dinner, put both phones face down. First on to pick up, picks up the tab for the meal! Last summer went away with two other couples, one friend is on phone constantly. Texting , FB etc. so my other friend said, hand over phone and she took it! Love it. Yes they are still friends. We could finally all talk! Maybe start with the dinner method. I think she will get the picture.

I wrote a post similar to this, with a problem similar to this...and I see that friend way less now. And actually, the past couple of times I've seen her, she wasn't as bad with the phone....but I admit, as soon as she reached for it or started that sidelong glance at it, I immediately removed all attention from her to either talk to someone else or walk away. Like I physically moved away from her with body language as soon as she did it, so maybe she realized she needed to focus on me if I was going to stick around. But then last night after Zumba, I was talking to her, and she went to fish in her bag for the phone. I kept talking in case she was going after water or something, but when I saw the phone in her hand I just cheerfully turned and headed for the door. She yelled, "Oh hey, I need to tell you something about ____" in a "as soon as I check this" way, like I was supposed to wait...so I just yelled, OK well, I'll be getting the kids out of daycare" and kept walking. Her loss because she likes to be heard but whatever. This friend of mine is super defensive and there was NO WAY I could say anything to her about her horrible phone etiquette. But I also couldn't sit there like a dolt while she fiddled with her phone constantly.

I have three kids and I'm busy too, but I don't mess with my phone when I'm out with real people. I don't think people have any idea it is how silly it is to sign on to FB once or twice per day and see 95 posts from that person at all times. I mean, do they ever process a thought that they keep to themselves?

Have her to you house at your own risk! It's gonna be ANNOYING.

This is why she is so popular. It's a way of having lots of friends with out having to have a real Friendship. This is what this generation's narcissist looks like.what you want is a real friendship. Those are rarer and SO worth it. Tell her it's not working for you to have her at your house for a week.

I might be in the minority here, but I don't think talking to her a out it is going to produce any changes.
And I'm a little confused, if you live close enough that you have this happen often enough notice the issue, why on earth would she be staying at you place for a vacation?
Maybe I'm missing something?
In short, it's likely how she is.
I don't blame you for feeling 2nd on the list.
I definitely wouldn't accept her invitation to have her stay at your house (who DOES that anyway???!!!) unless this is addressed.
But I don't think it will change things.
I might have to be "busy" that week!

If you are out for girls time - the only exception to the rule is family calling. Unless something great happens and you say - OMG - must put this on FB right now! Otherwise, it's rude. And annoying. But she wouldn't know unless you tell her. And you can do it in a fun way - like - I'm sorry, when is the surgeon removing your phone from your hand? Maybe we should get together after that?? And give a smile.

I don't think you're a loon to expect some "facetime" with an actual person, but then again, I would never let it get that far either with the constant phone usage.

Did she ask you in person or text you to ask if she could stay for the week? Just curious.

I totally agree with you.

NO ONE'S life is that important. I don't care if the person is a head of state or just won an Oscar, no one person is so important that they have to post or check facebook and twitter all the time. If they are hanging out with friends and another friend sends a text they can answer later. The only thing anyone needs to respond to right away is a family emergency.

You either tell her it bothers you or you walk away from the friendship. I don't see any other choice you have, except to keep putting up with it and stewing over it.

Whatever you do, make sure you never tell her anything you don't want the entire world to know, because she obviously will put it all over FB.

Dawn

If she is a good friend, say, "I would love to have you here for a visit, but I worry that the whole visit will be you, me and your third-wheel iPhone. I'm all for keeping in touch, but it bothers me when you are on your phone when we hang out. How about you come and when we are x places, we both leave our phones in the car so we can really talk and not be distracted?"

It has become the norm for people to be plugged in all the time. Which I think is bad. We make our dinner table a no phone zone. If you are at my table and eating the food I prepared you, I want you to acknowledge my presence. The sks know not to bring the phones to the table b/c I can tell when they are texting and will call them on it.

The ironic thing is that years ago, one of SS's friends came over and pretty much just talked on his phone to his GF the whole time. SS stopped hanging out with him. So if SS doesn't like that done to him, he shouldn't do it to anybody else. Even as much as your friend is on the phone, has she ever been bothered in reverse?

Tell her she can come stay, but I'm limiting her screen time just like I do the kids...... :)

I have a friend who is like this. The ironic thing is her husband is much worse, like can't leave the phone for 5 minutes,

I have teens so I told her the story, which is true, about when the girls had a friend over and starting texting at the dinner table. I reached over and held my hand out and with the other removed her plate of food. Of course, the friend didn't get it, until my kids said no phones at the dinner table. It was then that my friend got the message of how much it bothered me.

She's still attached to the phone, but at least she "gets it".

And NO, I would not let someone like this vacation in my home.

She's rude. You need to say something to her. Not sure if you can really change her, though... she may just be an inconsiderate person. I can't stand when people are so obsessed with their electronic devices that they are rarely ever "present" during a conversation. I just don't get it, honestly.

But, yeah, tell her that how much it hurts your feelings and bothers you. If she doesn't like it, the you know what type of person she is.

P.S. communicating electronically all the time with others doesn't mean she's outgoing or friendlier than you, I think it means quite the opposite, actually.

Next time she pulls out her phone, send her a text saying, "Get off your effing phone already. :D "

See what she says.

You teach people how to treat you. That goes for phone etiquette too. As long as you tolerate the behavior, she'll continue to do it. I have a couple of friends that are glued to their phones. Phones are like pacifiers for adults, I swear.

I don't make it easy to be ignored. I don't make it appropriate for the attention to be on the phone. I'm not rude about it, but we've subtly established some rules when it comes to the phones. Low volume, on vibrate, and in the purse which we keep on the floor if in a restaurant. When at each other's homes the purses get hung up. If we're "on call" for our children then phones are in the pocket, but only on vibrate and we check phones once every hour. On a girl's night out, or anywhere else, we focus on spending time together. That's it.

But then again, we're from a generation that didn't grow up with cell phones. We were in our early 20's when the very first cell phones came out. Our husbands hate using cell phones. We enjoy the technology but don't live and die by it.

Wild Woman has said exactly what I would say. Talk with her!

What she is doing is rude, and I would politely call her out on it. Just say "Hey, when we are together can you focus on me rather then your phone?"

Nope, you're not a loon. It's incredibly rude of her. I only check my phone or use my phone if I have something I need to discuss w/ my husband about the kids.

I think you're going to have to spell it out for her: "When we're together, let's turn our phones off and be present with each other. There's plenty of time for social networking later. Let's enjoy the time we can spend in person, OK?"

Oy, such frustrating behavior, I agree. My husband's family is very much like that - we go out to dinner, & I'm the only one not looking @ a phone. Some of them "tune out" while others are looking up stuff to show each other.

However, what you are doing is also frustrating - "putting her off" seems rather passive aggressive to me.

I love Wild Woman's suggestion - touch it & pay, literally! But that really only works for a girls night out dinner. It sounds like you would like to spend time with your friend, but only if you can SPEND TIME WITH HER. Right?

So, let her know that. Say to her "Julie I probably should have talked to you about this a while ago. But better late than never, & I don't want this to be an issue that comes between our friendship, which I treasure. I'd love to spend the week with you. But I really struggle with feeling like I'm competing for your attention when you are always checking in with other people on your phone, etc. I'd hate to have you come up for a week, & then feel resentful the whole time you are here, so I want to talk to you about it ahead of time"

And then, give her a chance to respond. I don't think this is a reason to toss away a friendship. Friends are like spouses - you both change over time, & communication is the key. A good friend is worth keeping that line of communication open, being honest & growing together.

When you talk to her - make sure it's to let her know that you want to spend time with her, & cherish your friendship, not scold her for doing something she may not realize is even an issue. As you said in your post, she is sharing her text & FB convos with you - maybe she thinks that it is OK (& for some people, it is!) because she's including you in what she's doing...

T.

I would NOT let her vacation at my house.
I agree with you.

I had a so-called friend that was like that, needless to say I dropped that friend. I didn't do anything to necessarily end the friendship other than remove her number from my phone. People are way too about themselves and their world sometimes. However, if she's a good friend in other ways that you did not mention perhaps it might be worth it to try and salvage the friendship. Talk to her about it and how it bothers you and let the pieces fall where they may.

I guess I'm in the minority.

I say as I'm reading this on my phone. ;)

As long as she's sharing, I don't mind a bit. I have several friends who do this.

Its when I'm"on hold" or summarily ignored... That I go elsewhere. Byes! I'm not just going to sit on non-musical hold for 4 hours. Get in touch with me when you want to hang out.

Personally... I don't do this.

Person in front of me first
Phone 2nd
Its one of the few areas I CSNNOT multitask
And 90% of my communiques are private

But I have several friends who do.
They're hilarious about it
Like old school letter reading
Where you get all invested in people you don't even know.

I don't think she is the person whom you describe-friendly, social? Clinging to a phone is not social and friendly-it disturbing and ill to only be able to have a relationship with a phone-it's pathetic. I think this is so unbearably rude-the only way I would spend any time with her is without the phone-are you really that desperate for friends-go volunteer somewhere-you will feel like the most needed and respected and loved person in the world!

Yes, you can tell her that when you're out together having dinner to not be on her cell. When you're out having a friend date to not play with her cell. It is rude. I have that rule with my husband! Put it on vibrate so if there's an emergency you can be in touch. When it's "friend's time" there should be no rude interruptions. I would just yell, "Turn it off!" when you're at dinner or something or let her know it'll be the last time you eat out together for a while.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

Eeeks, I'm not sure that I could put up with that. But I agree that you should, in the very least, give her a heads up about your feelings. How would she know, otherwise? So tell her it really bothers you and is a turn-off and go from there. If she keeps it up (I'm going to guess she will not be able to help herself, it honestly sounds like she's addicted to social media), I'd probably let the friendship die a natural death because that is beyond annoying. As for a week's vacation at your house? That's going to drive you nuts, but you already know THAT!

I totally love the 'first one to use the phone picks up the check' suggestion, ha!

I'm not sure I would continue to invest in this sort of friendship, personally. She seems to be very needy for attention. Esp. if she is sharing constantly. Sorry if this comes across as rude, but I just can't maintain people who aren't willing to invest enough in the friendship to be able to focus on our conversations, just us. I don't get much out of playing third wheel to a device.

There is such a thing as internet addiction, by the way. Maybe she needs to see an article or quiz on it? Would she recognize herself? The way I see it, would we want to be in the company of someone that was drinking alcohol all the time, 24/7? Fun for a camping weekend in one's youth, but it IS like dealing with a buzzed person, they have a hard time focusing/being present when you are with them. (I have a friend we don't spend much time with who is working on this... we figured out that he was texting about once every 2 minutes or so on average. Not a lot of fun. It's getting better, but one of our more outspoken friends in our circle had to very sternly call him on it!)

I think that it's hard to limit what other people do. I don't have a problem with this though. I would rather sit down and plan an activity and say something about having one on one time and if that would be okay during dinner so we could visit. Then ask her to leave her phone in her purse.

It's incredibly rude, but yet it is the way of the world isn't it. Seems like no one knows how to exist with a gadget attached to their hands. Just be honest.....call her and tell her "you can come vacation at my home, BUT, you have to shut off your phone for periods of time, so we can actually spend some time together please."