Help! My 3Rd Grader's Friend Is Telling Him About Sex at School and on the Bus!

If it really bothers you perhaps you should call the boy's mother. My daughter is only 3 and I we already talk to her about where babies come from and whatnot. I want her to be able to talk to us about anything as she gets older. It is a part of life and from what I hear kids are experimenting with sex much earlier these days...scary I know but that's why it's so important to talk to them and as you said, keep the lines of communication open. Good luck.

Honestly, it is time to have THE talk.
This is the age of wisdom...LOL.
they will most likely be receiving the talk at school. My kids all received it when they were 9 or 10.
The advantage to you talking about it is you can teach him respect for himself and others.

The same thing happened to me over the summer with my 9 year old son, but the only difference was that he was the one telling about the website. Thankfully one of his friends parents called me to make me aware, for which I was very appreciative. At that point, we put blocks on everything and on every computer and television in the house.

How I handled discussing this with my son was, not to panic. I casually asked him about what he told his friend and he answered honestly. I then asked him to show me the website, which he did. To my surprise, this website had women doing nasty things, but I remained calm. I told him that looking at these pictures is inappropriate and also told him that he was wrong sharing the website with his friends. I thought this would be a good time to ask him if he had any questions. He asked me what sex was and where babies come from and I told him. Much to my relief, the 9 year old came back and said "that's disgusting". I think we both grew up a lot that day, but I can tell you, it has definitely opened the door to a lot of other conversations that I'm glad he has had with me and not his friends at school.

One other thing, I asked him how he found the website and he told me that he typed in "nudist". I asked where he heard that word and he said he heard someone mention that people go to nudist colonies on vacation. I never found out who mentioned that to him. I was relieved that his search was innocent because he didn't know what nudist meant.

I would definitely at the very start of this begin at the teacher level to make sure she keeps her ears open for any inappropriate talk at school. You can ask her advice about bringing the parents into it. That way you stay out of the middle and no names need to be mentioned. That is what I would do....and have done that, in a case with my 5th grader.

Teacher first! Not parent, not principal.
J.

First of all, there was no need for Joanna S's, the first person to respond, lack of consideration for your feelings and any feelings that you did not do the right thing as a parent. You should not feel as if you should have had this talk already. If it had not come up previously then it is a very uncomfortable thing to bring up to your children just out of the blue.

You should definitely start with talking to your son and giving him the correct information, then move on to the other child's parents. If for some reason you don't get anywhere with the parents, then and only then should you go to the school. It is not the schools responsibility to teach theses children how to behave, it all starts at home. Good luck!

Hi Deb,
i have never been thru this kind of situation before, but if i were ,i would definately get infoon the boy and call his parents.you never knowwhatkind of parenting he may get at home. if you get nowhere withthe parents talk to the principal. sounds like they are not monitored on the computer if they can look at sites like that. goodluck

I use to work in the Main Office of an elementary school....you would be floored. But, you are right in wanting to keep the lines of communication open. You do need to bring it to the attention of the school though. Let your son know that some things are private and should not be discussed at school. Also, that it is great that he came to you and shared this with you...

good luck

K. g

How frustrating - all it takes is one other parent who is lax about access to inappropriate material on their computer, and concerning appropriate use of language, and suddenly all of the parents of kids who know this one have a problem on their hands.

I think your response needs to be twofold: I agree with you that you should have a conversation (uncomfortable, I sympathize) with this kid's mother. Who knows if she even is aware of what her son is doing and saying? She really needs to know so that she can begin addressing his problem behavior (inappropriate language and looking at adult websites). This area is pretty much up to her. However, there is an area where you have some say and control- your son's awareness and knowledge of sex and sexuality. This is up to you, and you still have a chance to have a positive impact on his perception of girls and women, sexuality, and himself.

It is so important that we as parents teach our children about sex and sexuality; if we do not, choosing to leave them innocent, they become prey to people and situations such as those that your son has encountered. Innocence, sadly, affords no protection for our children. Knowledge does.

I made a decision with my child to introduce these difficult topics starting around age of 5-6. Why so early? because children at that age are old enough to begin to understand the very basic facts, and more importantly, this way I can ensure that my child will learn about sex from me first - not from somebody else (a kid at school, often misinformed), or from something else (an adult web site or magazine). It is inevitable that our children will learn about and be exposed to sex and sexuality earlier than we would like. (Think about how old you were when peers and classmates started talking to each other about sex; 9 years old is when I remember a lot of that starting to happen.) We can't change that fact. We can, however, prepare and protect them as best we can by arming them with knowledge and - as you say so rightly - keeping communication lines open, so that they know they can always talk to us.

To be honest, I had a really hard time - at first - approaching and discussing these issues with my child. But I found some good and helpful books at the library and bookstore which really helped. One in particular "It's not the stork" is a good one for young kids, using appropriate and sensitive language. This way I could read from the book to my child, and then she could read some of it herself and talk to me about it. I think it is very likely that if she hears or sees something inappropriate she would come to me and talk about it, but even more importantly she would have a context - based on what we have already talked about - for confronting and processing what she sees and hears. My hope is that this way she can challenge (mentally or verbally) inappropriate or mis-informative behavior images and languages more competently when I'm not there with her.

This is so hard, and you are very brave and caring to stay open and supportive of your kids. I'd say you also have a golden opportunity to start the conversation with your younger son, perhaps saving him and you some grief later on. Younger siblings inevitably hear things from or through their older siblings, so you may have to start the dialogue with him now anyways.

Good luck!

Hi Deb, I have a 8 1/2 yo boy. I would be upset upon hearing this also. I would talk to your sons teacher. See what she thinks. If no follow up I would go to the Principal. Parents who let there kids look at sex on the computer are neglectful! Good Luck
Good Company makes good friends! This boy does not sound like good company!

Hi- Since it happened in school and on the school bus, I would call the school and discuss the situation with the school social worker or psychologist. They will have the tools to address the situation with the students.
I would also talk with your son regarding when and where it is appropriate to discuss such topics.
Good luck!
Kris

Hi Deb,
I am writing as a parent, self-employed school bus driver and former teacher:

We can not control what goes on in another families house but we can teach our own children what is age appropriate. Please keep in mind girls 8 and 9 years old are getting their periods. The schools are teaching health ed classes accoring to Mass. State Curriculum even though we as parents don't think our kids need to know certain things at such a young age. Because society has changed so much, teachers use to just teach our children; now they have to teach many of them social skills, basic skills, etc. because both parents need to work fulltime. We just don't have enough time in our days. The school plays an important role in rearing our children compared to the past. The principal is a person to turn to but what about the teacher. The teacher has closer contact with the children then the pricipal. I have always gone to the teacher as my first source.

Concerning the bus; my ears are always open to their conversations! I try to make sure the students don't even say "shut up" to each other. My bus has K through 12 students. They have assigned seats to seperate the ages since K,1,2 should not being hearing what 9,10,11, and 12th graders are talking about. I don't even allowing sibling or m/f to be in the same seat. Maybe the bus driver has heard things. Maybe the bus driver can seperate the children. As a bus driver I can not always hear or see everything that is going on but I do try. Hopeful your bus driver is friendly enough that you could express your concerns.

As a parent; I personally would not approach the parents first. That would be my last recourse. Kids make up many things to look good to their pears (I have 5 children). They paint that picture to show off. What the student saw on the internet and what he is telling everyone may be two different things. Express to your son what you believe is right and wrong, good and bad. The worst thing to do is show him the horror that you may be feeling that he has been introduced to sex and birth. For example, when a girl gets their period the mother needs to stay calm with the girl and not think OMG. Kids feed off of our reactions. I would really just tell your son you are glad he came to you and talk "with" him about what has happened. Express to him your concerns and how much you love that he could come talk to you. It is horrible that your son learned about these subjects from another student instead of from you when you felt was the right time. I always think I would love to keep my kids in a bubble to protect them but would that really be protecting them. I encoureage you to visit the Departments of Education website; Massachusetts State Curriculum to see what the children are learning in school (health ed). Thank you for reading and I pray that only positves come from this bad situation :)

Deb,
Unfortunatly,there is nothing you could do about the kids talking. If its not this kid, he is gonna hear it from another kid, its unfortunate that this time of day sex has not meaning, I raised three kids and one of the most important thing from my experience, is to have an open relation with your kids, and you should sit down with your son since he opened up in front of you or have his father talk to him about it if you dont feel comfortable, you got to keep one thing in mind, as much as you think you are close to your kids and open with them, they are gonna grow up and boys are not gonna sit and tell you everything,there gonna be shy to tell you things, but there father could keep that closeness between him and his son, and that would help a great deal. good luck Deb

I would yank in the principal very quickly. This should be an issue that the principal would talk to this boys parents about. That's my 2 cents. Take care and good luck! -N.

Hi Deb,

I feel your pain! It's so difficult to maintain our childrens innocence once they are in school and exposed to so many different families. Who knows, maybe this other boy has much older siblings at home. Either way, unless you know the mother well you might not want to approach her as she might perceive your comments as judgemental. I would, however, definately bring it to the attention of the school authorities as it is not appropriate for this young man to expose others to these websites (they could even be dangerous!) If it is happening at school then they need to know and are responsible for taking some kind of action to prevent it from continuing. As far as the birds and the bees I suppose your kind of between a rock and hard place at this point so I suppose some kind of conversation with you and your son will be necessary even if simply to find out exactly what he's been told and to dispel any myths. I would also make it perfectly clear to your son that you find this young man's activities inappropriate and that you expect him not to engage in similar activities and support him in finding ways for him to let this other boy know his comments are not welcome.

J. L.

Hi! My 9 yr old daughter came home demanding I tell her if Santa is real. I discussed it with her and she feels that I have fibbed to her re; myths etc . I have 2 grown boys with children. I always told all of them about sex through tv shows or pictures that came up. I didn't want them to believe information from other kids which could be a secret or could lead to an adult having a secret with them.
Once the bubble is popped I felt that detailed CORRECT info was appropriate, we now refer to it as when a man and woman snuggle alot together even though she knows the details...S.