Help! Losing My Mind with My 4 Year old...I Ended up Yelling :(

Sounds like limiting their play time with each other might be a really good idea. My grand-kids played together all evening and didn't fight. They had time away today. She could only play in her room and he could play in his. They had time apart and really missed each other.Everyone needs to have their own space, give them some for themselves too.

Because I think you might need a bit of a laugh, right now, and because anything I might say has already been said:

Property Law As Viewed By A Toddler

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like it's mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If I can see it, it's mine.
10. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
11. If I want it, it's mine.
12. If I "need it, it's mine (yes, I know the difference between "want" and "need"!).
13. If I say it's mine, it's mine.
14. If you don't stop me from playing with it, it's mine.
15. If you tell me I can play with it, it's mine.
16. If it will upset me too much when you take it away from me, it's mine.
17. If I (think I) can play with it better than you can, it's mine.
18. If I play with it long enough, it's mine.
19. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it's mine.
20. If it's broken, it's yours (no wait, all the pieces are mine).

Oh... One and a half things; (2 of my favorite parenting tricks):

1) "Getting emotionally invested in an argument with a child is like getting emotionally invested in an argument with a piece of furniture. We all do it from time to time, but it's usually regrettable."

1.5) It's NICE when our kids are happy; but that's not our job. When they're acting badly, we WANT them to be upset and unhappy. Sometimes exactly what's needed is a good cry to sleep. Some days they spend most of it on timeout in their rooms. Some days they're just hovering on the edge of seeing if Mommy really WILL start knocking her forehead against the drywall. It pays off. Swift and immediate justice each and every time an infraction occurs, and a lot of praise when the right thing happens, and then like magic one day it "clicks"/ "sinks in" and we've got our bright/ mischievous/ kind kids again who have tested a boundary from each and every single angle, found it impenetrable, and have decided to leave it alone for the time being. Fortunately, that's usually a good 3 years, before they try to breech the bulwarks of common sense and human decency and we have to start all over.

Tomorrow is a new day. Forgive yourself and move on...we all have bad parenting moments when we are exhausted and spent.

Try positive reinforcements for good behavior...playing nicely..kind words..being loving...helping brother...sharing toys etc.

She puts a sticker on a "Caught Being Good" type chart for every good behavior during the day. At the end of the day she gets something special.

Good luck and best wishes. The days are long but the years are short. RIght now you are having some looooong days. They are both at sweet, cute and fun ages...but also very needy, clingy and test our patience level to boot.

Bless your heart. A 4 year old and a 2 year old is way more than I could handle.. I agree about trying to have them play separately..

4 year old's are like little little Generals.. You have to do it their way or it is wrong.. They can become bossy. Then their emotions are like teenage girls with PMS.. they are all over the place. They can burst into tears and next be storming around being bossy, or need a cuddle. You never know what is next.

Offer options. Try to notice the change in emotions and give her the words so she also can recognize what is going on and can express them. "You look like you are frustrated because brother is in your way." "Maybe you need to go and play in your room and let him play out here."

"You look angry because you cannot find your toy." "Please be soft and gentle with brother and his toys, while you look for your missing toy."

"You look like you need a hug, Come here and let me hold you for a few minutes."

Make sure she gets LOTS of active play 2 times a day.. She has a lot of energy that needs to burned off. Staying inside for too long will make her have cabin fever even in the summer.. This is why swimming in the summer and gymnastics/dancing in the winter can help..

Make sure when she is kind, nice, and careful with brother you tell her you are noticing it. "I like how you helped brother with his puzzle." "Thank you for helping me get brother ready to go to the store." "I am sorry brother tore your book, let me help you fix it." "What can we do next time to make sure brother does not get into your books."

Maybe also consider video taping her behaviors with her brother.. She probably does not realize how bad it looks to others when she mistreats her brother..

She forgets he is still a baby.. Probably because he gets around so well.

Does she have times that she gets to play for extended times with other children her age? She will learn that being bossy and rough, does not go over with other children her age or older.

Hang in there. She needs structure and needs to know you are aware of what is going on.. the Good and the not so good.

Please listen to me. I had an older child with sibling rivalry like this.

The best thing to do is, when you can, mirror her emotions. "It sure isn't fun having a younger brother sometimes, isn't it." "It's not fun to share sometimes, is it." Whatever you imagine she feels.

You are doing the opposite, as I did. You are trying to tell her all the reasons she should be nice to her sibling. This WON'T work. It will make her more stuck in her place of annoyance with him. DON'T have her look at her brother's face, etc.

What you are doing isn't working, so you might as well try mirroring, even if it feels contrary to your instincts. It is VERY hard to want to mirror the emotions of children (and adults) who are acting out, but it GETS RESULTS. I lost it and yelled, just like you do. Wrong move.

Try what I suggest for a week, and I'm pretty certain you will see a huge change in her behavior. I was in your EXACT boat. Message me if you have any questions.

For starters, I don't see anything firm in your consequences for her, and time outs are often not effective on difficult kids. The firmer and clearer you are while remaining calm, never angry, and giving only one warning (which makes it easy to keep from getting angry because things don't escalate), the faster she will learn these behaviors are not allowed. Soon it will be her habit to choose right behavior on her own, and she'll feel proud of herself for that. Then you guys can focus on the good and enjoy each other. I have 3 under 5, and my 5 year old daughter is super sweet, respectful and helpful with her younger sibs. My husband travels all the time and I have all of them for all errands etc.This book saved my sanity and is to thank for my happy well behaved kids-it's PERFECT for your daughter's age. Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. Read about it on Amazon and you'll see all the things you mention addressed and handled.

How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk
Siblings without rivalry

Sorry I can't be any real sort-of help, but those are great books. The first I have implemented myself and my 2 1/2 is strong-willed and responds to it very well. The other I have friends that have used it and many people on this site rave about it. Can you get more one on one mom time with each of them? Have a sitter for one one day and sitter for the other another day? I would do consecutive days, one day on Fri one on Sat. I think the first time you do it there may be teasing or jealousy from the 4 yr old if there is a lot of time between the special one on one.

I would start having 10 mins or so of special time before each one's bedtime to just talk to them.

Don't beat yourself up :) Yelling isn't the worse thing you can do. I think every parent does it at some point. Forgive yourself and move on.

Ugh.
Really hard. I know how you feel.
I have a 4 almost 5 year old AND when I was a child... I HAD a sibling JUST LIKE your 4 year old, who constantly bullied me and bossed me and pretty much, she never outgrew that 'phase'. Because, our entire life... she has been that bossy/pushy/bullying/not nice/mean/selfish/jealous sibling. And she never... listened to my parents.
And, being the sibling of someone like that, is MISERABLE.

So, despite her being 4, and despite it maybe being an age-phase... I would REALLY nip this in the bud, because... it can, become a PERMANENT dynamic, for her. And it is not nice.

Is your daughter like this only with her little brother? Or with everyone?
Does she have friends?
Can she go to Preschool??? Then that way, she will get more stimulation AND interaction with kids her own age.
Kids at this age... they REALLY need more stimulation and a "learning environment" that is geared toward their age. If not, they get bored.
At about 3-4 years old, a child really need, outside things/Preschool/activities JUST for them etc.
AND, you will then see, if your 4 year old, CAN socialize well and adapt and listen to a Teacher and have no issues.

When I had my 2nd child, my daughter went to Preschool. She wanted to. She needed it, cognitively and physically. And she thrived. Then that way she got her OWN thing to do, her OWN routine, and she LOVED preschool.
For an older sibling, it can be REALLY hard, to be stuck at home and have everything revolve around a younger sibling. It can really irk, them.
I think having your oldest in Preschool, would really help.
TRY it.

But going back... yes, it is not pleasant to be around a child that is BULLYING the younger sibling. Especially if the child does not listen.
Is your 4 year old... Lonely? Needs friends? Is bored? Is Jealous of her younger sibling? Maybe needs more time with ONLY you? Is not good at being independent?
Regardless, you see what needs are lacking in your child.
Then trouble -shoot that and/or provide more for her. Whatever she needs more of.

But, I would NOT NOT NOT... put up with her hurting her sibling. At all.
What the heck, does your Husband do about it????
You cannot let a child, hurt or become a Bully. Even within the family.
My sibling was a real Bully. It is really oppressive, growing up like that.
Always having to walk on eggshells... is REALLY not healthy for anyone. Child or adult.

No punishments that you do, works.
Your 4 year old, still acts like a mean bossy selfish jealous sibling.
Does she act mean to you, too?
Anyway, you HAVE TO, also teach her how to express herself, to you.
And you must really be able to listen, to her feelings... and see why she is so incongruous.

MAYBE, she even just needs a nap.
My son is 4.... and when he is tired, he can REALLY be a bossy/irritable Boy, too. But my son, will nap and usually does everyday.

1) I think your daughter should go to Preschool. She's at an age she needs something else.
2) I think she wants/needs more attention. Even if that is reasonable or not, for you.
3) I think, she just does not want her sibling around sometimes. And resents him.
4) You need to explain to her, about the development of her sibling... that he cannot do things like she can, AND that, SHE was that age too, once. And she was JUST LIKE HIM, too. At that age. TELL her.
5) She sounds over-tired. When over-tired, kids have nil, patience.
6) She takes her brother's things, in anger. To me, this represents, that she has had enough of her brother. And she is frustrated with him. And she needs her own space or brother has to go someplace else.
7) Is your daughter, 'expected' to be perfect? Sometimes, the eldest Sibling resents the younger one, because THEY are expected to always be 'Perfect" and are used as an example for the sibling all the time. That is too much, "pressure" on a young child. They cannot, be perfect. Just because they are the older one. They are a kid, themselves.
8) I really think she needs an outlet... she is 4 now, and not congruent cognitively, with her 2 year old brother. She is getting frustrated. Have things for her to do, have her friends over, send her to Preschool, so that she has HER age related things/activities, to be challenged, with.

IF IT IS only happening at the END of the day... then I can guarantee, that it is because, she is over-tired, AND at the end of her rope too per her little brother... and she, is at her limit. Hence, she acts out. Hence, she cannot eat. Both my kids, cannot eat dinner, if they are tired, Even if they are hungry.
-She needs to nap
- She needs her own activities/schedule too. Independently from her brother. Preschool.

2 hours, being by herself, while you are cooking... is a long time, for a kid. She probably was real irked, at 'babysitting' him.

Next time, don't scream, breathe and focus in on your kids.

Don't expect them to play nicely together without your help, right there, on the floor with them. Your daughter is showing you by her behavior that she can't find a way to do whatever she's doing that is still kind to her brother. You can help her find better ways. And then, she'll see that when you try to solve problems, you think of others feelings, and that you're creative, and not yelling and grabbing. She'll learn that she can ask you for help, instead of trying to solve things in a rude way.

But she can't ask you for help if you're not there, and you're busy, and you won't come play till after you spend 2 hours in the kitchen. By that time, it's too late, everyone's crying, and who cares if the fruit is all cut up for tomorrow, you know? :)

I think you should apologize to her for yelling at her, without any caveats. Find a way to make it up to her, and reconnect. Today's a new day.

I am in the same boat. I have a very strong willed daughter who is also 4. I started a marble jar with her and it really seems to have helped. I bought her a toy that she really wanted and set it out so she could see it. I told her once her jar was full she would get her toy. It took us a long time to get that jar filled but I really did notice a change in her. Oh, and I totally understand about being exhausted. There were many nights after she went to bed that I was the one doing the crying. After being with her all day and night I was exhausted.

Your daughter seems advanced and possibly bit bored. Part time activities of her interest might be a great thing for her and for you. Ps. My 4 year old told me that time out is humiliating lol.

No real advice. I've been there (I also have a strong-willed 4yo dd.) Forgive yourself and start fresh tomorrow. She will.

The only advice I can tell you is please learn to trust that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We all have been there. My parents never used to yell at us, but, for some reason, I yell at my kids when I have had enough. I don't yell all the time, but, I too have those days where my "Super Mom" stature is nonexistent. I am only human and so are you. We are NOT robots.

I guess just learn from this experience and the SECOND you feel like you could soon explode, maybe go in another room and take a breather. I know even doing that is hard b/c while you're in the moment, all you wanna do is immediately release that negative energy and get your point across to your children.

I bet you a nice Spa Outing would help you a ton! Maybe a pedicure or massage to relieve some of that tension. And the break from the kids will truly help you. And the better you feel the better Mom you will be.