Defiant, Mouthy 5 Y/o -HELP

I don't know that I could say you are doing anything 'wrong', per se. If you do yell, or get upset or emotional (which is a common feeling in this situation), you may have some attention-getting behavior going on, so with all of what I suggest, try to stay as emotionally neutral as possible.

Breaking it down from your list of problem actions/behaviors:

1.Not listening to simple directions: Because of the transitions going on in your house, she will likely respond better to directions by getting some connection with you first. "Connect, then direct." A.If you are asking her to stop something she's doing (say, coloring a picture, for example), I would go and first ask her something about what she's engaged in. "Oh, you used a lot of blue right there. Tell me about that." (open-ended question, connection, she sees you are interested in her, good feeling, validation of her self) Then, when you have the eye contact, say "In just a minute, I'll need you to..." B. If you need to catch her quickly, smile, (connection with good feeling, eyes), "You say it after me: In two minutes, I will go wash my hands for dinner." use a pleasant tone and have her repeat it. If she blanks out.."what's going to happen in two minutes?" and if she doesn't pick up on the cue, give the whole direction to her again. Make sure that after she does what you need, you give her a physical response of your love-- pat her back, squeeze on shoulder, tousle her hair-- and say "Thanks for taking care of that".

2. Questioning you on your directions to her: whenever possible, act completely nonchalant and ask "Oh, why do you think you need to (do task)?" If she gives a correct answer, smile. "You figured it out, kiddo. Go get it done!" This is a great age for 'racing'--can she get her task done before you get your task done? And if she's snotty in her answer, just reply cooly "Oh, I see you need to think about it some more. Go do it and see if you can figure it out."

3. Doing something you've asked her not to do: this is willful disobedience. I would do a time out for this, for five minutes, or if more appropriate, a loss of a privilege connected to what's going on at the time. What I often tell my son when he has time out is to think of other solutions to the problem at hand. For example: "I asked you to leave the fan alone, and you decided to touch it anyway. That's a problem because it's dangerous. I want you to think about what you could do the next time you want to touch the fan." I prefer to focus not so much on the 'you disobeyed me' (which can get them stuck in a power struggle) and instead use their time to come up with some other solutions to doing something they were asked not to do. Then, if she has some answers for you, write them down on paper and put them on the fridge. She'll feel her alternatives to disobeying have merit.

4.Bossing. I either ignore it, or just tell my son calmly:"You know, I've been doing this a long time and I know what I'm doing." If the tone is rude, then "Your voice is so rude, my ears don't want to hear what you are saying." Ignore, then once her voice changes tone, proceed to asserting your calm, motherly authority that you are very capable of doing XYZ, thanks.

If the rudeness goes on for more than a few minutes, can you just put her in her room until YOU are ready for her to come out? When my son (also 5) gets an attitude, I just tell him "I can see by your actions/hear in your voice that you are not ready to listen to me right now. You need to take a break. Go play and I'll come get you when I'm ready to check in with you." I am a firm believer that if more adults knew to go take a break when they were in a snit, the world would be a better place. "It's okay to take a break when you aren't feeling friendly." Then, do the check-in, and don't pontificate-- just "are you ready to be friendly again?" and take it from there.

Lastly, every chance you get--nonverbal, physical affirmation of her self from you and Daddy. When you walk by, squeeze her shoulder, stroke her back, her hair, lots of loving touches that don't take her away from what she's doing. Smile at her when she's busy and looks up at you. This is called Positive Attention during Neutral Times (from Joanne Nordling's book "Taking Charge: Caring Discipline that works at home and at school"). This technique is quantity, not quality, based. Lots of those good touches when she's busy at her own bliss--not doing anything to please you, that is-- is a very powerful tool in helping to affirm the child's place in our hearts, that they are important and matter. This is not the same as being over-indulgent to build up their self-esteem, either, or overpraising... this is really about showing your little girl that she is loved *just* for who she is.

Good luck, Mama! These kiddos can be tough!

You need to treat these behaviors like you would whining.

First if she will not listen and then do as you instruct.. (do not ask, but tell her) say her name. "Suzy, in 5 minutes, I will need you to start picking up all of the legos and putting them away,."

Then in 5 minutes you go to her and say, "It is time for you to pick up your legos. Tell me what I just said." (She will then repeat what you said)

Once you check to make sure it has been completed, compliment her. "Wow, great job, picking up all of the legos!"

Also when you give her instructions, get down and look at her. Make sure she is listening. Do not yell across the house. Go to her to speak with her.. and expect her to walk to you to speak with you.. There should not be a lot of hollering across a house. It is not an effective way to communicate.

The bossy attitude.
"I do not like that bossy voice. I need you to speak with me in your regular voice. " "

If she gets to be a smarty or bossy pants, send her to her room "to look for her regular voice."

Let her know. "I do not like that bossy voice. Do not speak with me using that voice."

When she goes a whole morning or a whole day without these behaviors. Recognize her and tell her you have notice and appreciate it.

Hang in there. Once kinder starts, she will be so exhausted, when she is home, she will not have the energy to be a Miss Bossy Pants.

Hugs! I'm dealing with this right now as well. My daughter is not quite 5, will be in September and it's like she's turned into her evil twin!! She was exactly as you described your daughter and of course still is loving, sweet, and attentive to her little brother, but lately, I mean it's been rough!!! Aaaaargh! It sounds like you're doing it right, it's just that this is proving to be more of a difficult age than I had anticipated, and maybe you too?! ;)

With my daughter I had a talk with her and basically said I will no longer issue warnings on the whining, back talking, generally sassy behavior. I told her that the first time she exhibits these behaviors something will happen. I use time out too and it does work pretty well for her, but I also ask her to leave the room or turn off the TV or not let her have what she was asking for or whatever the case may be! It's very frustrating and I feel like the last few weeks I've been ready to sell her to the first gypsy that comes by!

Anyway, I guess I should check back too to make sure that this is as "normal" as I think it is, b/c if it's not, then I'm in trouble too! Hang in there, that's what I'm trying to do, but this post really does make me feel better so hopefully I made you feel a little better too!

Try the book "Siblings without Rivalry". It does a great job of explaining things from a kid's perspective and is such a resourceful book. She does sound jealous and in her mind has good reason to be. Here's this baby having everything done for her! :) Has she started to say that she isn't able to do things that you know she can do? She sees the baby getting (what she perceives as ) more attention because the baby really can't do anything for herself. And now the baby is going to start crawling and getting into her stuff whereas before she just stayed where she was. All totally normal.

As far as the mouthiness... We had the exact same situation. No terrible 2's or 3's but oh boy, at 4 1/2 we got it with both barrels. My best advice is not to argue or debate with her. Make your case and state the consequences and follow through every time. If she tantrums tell her it's ok for her to be angry, and she can do it in her room. Really and truly the boundaries for behavior like this is something I did wrong with mine. I wish I had known to put her in her room when she was acting like this and not feel the need to explain everything. She needs to learn that feelings are ok but behaviors is not always and sending her away from you will allow her to learn how to cope and calm herself down.

You aren't alone. Set your clear boundaries with her now though, so it doesn't turn into a bigger problem later.

Mine grew out of most of this by the time she was about 6... a little light at the end of your tunnel :)

www.ahaparenting.com dr. laura markham has a great website and newsletter to help with such ongoing issues.

As to the poster who asked "Is it really normal?" I would say yes, absolutely--most kids go through phases where they test you, get bossy, use their tone of voice inappropriately, etc. My 8 year old had a VERY rough year that we are finally coming out of with a bit more respect, and his 4 1/2 year old brother is mimicking it now--which could be one of your smaller problems--if she is in daycare, is she learning, because she is now the "big" sister, to imitate "big" kids in some attention-getting behavior? I don't have any advice you haven't gotten, but just to remember that in parenting, persistance does pay off. You may not see immediate change--these are habits our kids have learned, and in my case, at least, some of them come (unfortunately) from *me* and the way I talk to my kids when I'm impatient with them--so *I* have to relearn my habits, too. BUT...remind yourself that diligent parenting does pay off, and, in my belief, kindergarten will help--other kids don't like bossy kids, and the nice thing about being young is that very little is that firmly entrenched now--all it will take is one kid saying, "You're bossy. Don't boss me!" for her to understand how much that attitude needs to change. Our next door neighbor was a HORRIBLE bully, and by the end of second grade, enough kids had dismissed his yucky behavior and he's now a really nice kid--and it doesn't sound like your daughter is anywhere near that. Hang in there, and remember it matters what you're doing daily with her--you just won't see results for a little while yet.

You sound like an insightful Mom who is handling things very appropriately. We went/are going through the same with our daughter, with the behavior starting about the same age, maybe a little earlier. I have even considered an ADHD diagnosis because she honestly does not seem to be able to hold attention long enough to listen. But what we have found works best (though it is EXTREMELY difficult for me because I am a reactive person and have unfortunately become a yeller with my kids), is keep an even tone and have the same response to her same behavior, if that makes any sense. The more you get worked up, the more power she has, and some kids just run with it. Also, try to keep as consistent a routine as possible, so she knows what to expect and has less room for argument (not that she still won't try), and keep reinforcement consistent for the behaviors. This is where we have failed miserably. My daughter is 6 1/2 now and showing some signs of coming out of it, because we recently have made a concerted effort to be very consistent. For yourself, try not to take it too personally. My yelling started I think because I saw the behavior as disrespect, which is one thing I absolutely won't tolerate.I hope this helps. I can totally relate!

"I know part of this is normal in this age group and for girls".
It is?
Your accepting this as normal and something to expect might be part of the problem.
At this age - they don't always hear you when they are busy.
So - before you give instructions, get her undivided attention, have her LOOK at you, tell her what you want to say, then ask her what you just said - have it repeat it back to you.
It's not just kids - it works well with my husband, too.
Some one on one time with her would be good when you can manage it.
As much as she loves being a big sister, she needs to be secure with her own place in the family.
I know it's not always possible but instead of telling her what NOT to do, tell her what she CAN do - re-direct her away from an undesired activity.
I can tell you NOT to think of a pink elephant but just mentioning it MAKES you think about it - admit it - you can picture it's ears and trunk all a lovely shade of pink already.
As far as the bossing goes, treating it like whining is good advice.
"I can't understand you when you talk like that. Please use your regular nice voice.".
My son was pushing my buttons once (he was about 5) and I lost it a bit.
"Exactly how many diplomas have you earned?
Got any degrees?
How many jobs have you held, mortgages have you paid off and bills have you paid?
When you've done even ONE of those things, we'll have a common reference to speak from but until then you are going to have to accept I know just a BIT more than you do at this point and you are going to have to rein in the attitude BIG TIME. You've got 5 minutes to sulk about it in your room and then - be over it.".
I've only had to make that speech once.
It seems to have stuck.