How Do You Banish Whining?

As others have said I always pretended I just couldn't understand what they were saying when they whined. I'd throw in an "i'd love to help but I just don't understand what you want" which let them know I was there for them. Whining is just a bad habit so the faster the squash it the faster they'll move into something more annoying. lol

I say "I can't understand what you are saying when you whine. I'll listen when you can talk in a normal voice." And then I ignore them until they make the request normally.

If they keep making the request in a non-whining tone after I've said no, I simply answer "I've already answered that question." and I walk away.

First of all be consistent and this will pass. It should not be affecting your quality time.

My now 22 yr old started whining as a toddler and I made this little jingle up. EVERY time she started whining, I said my jingle and to this day... when I say Wendy, she knows EXACTLY what I am saying. I didn't lose my cool, the jingle just distracted her.

"Wendy Whiner go away, come again another day". EVERYTIME she whined, I said that which stopped the whining and she changed her tone of voice to a "big girl" voice.

She got bossy later as well and I changed it up and said Bossy Betty go away and come again another day.

Sometimes you don't need the angry tone of voice with children, just switch things up on them and the distraction works.

I am also in the classroom as a sub (17 years) mostly the younger children... we just ask them to use their big girl/boy voices and say we can't understand whining

"I can't understand you when you whine. Use your big girl voice" and walk away. Don't engage at all. Act as if you donn't even hear her talking. She gets no attention whatsoever, much less what she wants, when she whines.

When she says something normally, immediately give her your attention and start from there. If what she wants is possible, do it and say "I like how you used your big girl voice!" If it's not possible to do, tell her no from the start and banish her into time-out if she whines. Whining here is basically arguing with you. Tell her that whining is not allowed. If she argues without whining, just deal with that normally without putting her into time out.

Right now she isn't really getting a consequence for her whining. It's great that you're consistent with "no means no", but that's not helping with the whining.

Change the focus. Instead of telling them not to whine, pretend you can't understand them. "I'm sorry, I can't tell what your are saying. I'd really like to help you. Can't you please try again?" Stay consistent, and they will get it.

Another thing to do is praise them when they make a request without whining. "Thank you so much for talking like a big girl! That makes me so happy!"

While it is very important for them to learn that no means no, in this case, praise and positive reinforcement will go much farther. No means no is essential, especially if they are ever in a dangerous situation. But changing behavior is so much easier with positive reinforcement.

I love TF's little jingle idea - it's a nice cue besides "Stop it!" and "Don't whine!" And then you walk away. You do not engage at all after saying, "I will not talk to you when you whine. Talk to me in a big kid voice and then I will listen." Then walk away.

A child needs to learn that "no means no" so it's great that you have that philosophy. (By the way, making strong girls who see an adult female say "no" is important for their safety as teens and young women when faced with dominant men - so this groundwork is essential for the future as well.)

Children can learn that explaining and negotiating MIGHT be okay if they have a decent argument and a decent approach that isn't accompanied by whining. So you need a 2nd way to say no (like "Final Answer") that comes after they present their "case" sensibly but you still say no. They have to know that you have heard them, and that you have made a considered decision which is final.

If you are consistent within this framework of being approachable (again, which you really need as they get older and face bigger problems than whether or not they can have ice cream or break out all the craft supplies), then this phase too shall pass. You probably have to work harder on the older child because the younger one is copying her, but again, behavior doesn't continue if a) it's not rewarded by caving in or b) they aren't getting a payoff from controlling you or dominating the conversation during the argument (or "discussion") period. Sometimes the "game" is more important to them than the outcome. So don't play.

You wrote "whines along with making demands". I guess you are saying that you do not approve of either the tone or the phrasing that she is using.

So, you need to address both. Remind her of the importance of saying "please" - change that "demand" to a "request" - and remind her of the importance of speaking in a level and understandable tone.

It is also important to remember that sometimes whining is a result of not feeling "heard". Try to make sure that you are doing "active listening" whenever reasonably possible. Otherwise, the suggestions below about saying "I'll listen when you stop whining" are just throwing fuel on the fire of a child who feels not-heard. (And raising young women who feel not-heard by their own parents, is sticking another brick in the wall of silencing women.)

Generally kids do things that get them results.
If they are whining and won't stop - then somehow they have learned that it gets them what they want.
Even negative attention is attention.
When they whine - tell them you can't understand them when they use that voice.
When they can use their regular voice then you can understand.

I am pretty patient, but I hate whinging. I did what the moms below did - I don't respond to them, and asked them to use their big boy/girl voice so I could understand and help them.

Mine generally only whinged (thank God) when they were tired, or spent as we say, or hungry. I was the mom who left the mall early when I first saw signs my kids were getting tired. Heading of the whinging is very helpful. Some times of day were worse (around 5 pm) so distraction was good also (I'd stick on a show).

First, saying no is not addressing the whining, so I am not sure what you meant by that. However, if you are engaging with them when they whine, then they got what they want. You are in control, take it. Don't allow it, don't acknowledge it and do not engage...end of story. It really is as simple as that.

Every single time my girls would whine I would say "I'm sorry but I can't understand you when you speak like that. Try again in your big girl voice." It really didn't take long at all for them to stop.

Ah, the whine challenge. First consider if a whine is appropriate (exhaustion, hunger, total frustration). If so, just work through the actual message, not the tone.

Otherwise, for the everyday whine, I found that it changed the dynamic when I asked the child whining to ask me with a smile. I even explained (once), and demonstrated (once), that it's impossible to really smile and talk with a whine. It became a fun game that changed tones and moods and kept the conversation going. Always a plus!

On another note, I didn't choose to ever ask a child to speak with a big girl or big boy voice. They are not big. Big has many connotations in this world and not all of them are good, and it certainly denotes age beyond their years. If you choose to go that route, perhaps ask them to act their age and speak with a smile.

Best of luck!

No means no is great! The first tool of combating whining is not to give in to it.

In my home, I used a simple "You asked, I answered. No, you may not do/have (activity/toy/treat). You MAY do/have (always give them a something to do/distraction-- a better choice which works for you) or you may play in your room."

A couple times, when it got bad, I'd lead Kiddo to his room and say "when you are done and ready to (move along, whatever the offered alternative was) come on out. I'm done talking about this now." This allowed him to have his feelings in an appropriate place and for me to walk away from the nonsense. Kids who like being around their parents usually come around pretty quick. If it comes up again, then I'd say "If you ask again, you go back to your room for a while. You already know my answer." and follow through.

Ugh, whining was a MAJOR pet peeve of mine. I simply refused to listen to it. I told them to either use their regular voice or leave the room. If they started up in the car or store or some other location where we were "trapped" I may have threatened them with taking away something fun if they didn't stop. That usually worked.

When you're ready to talk like a big girl, I'll be ready to listen. Otherwise, I'm going to ignore you. I've already answered that question, do not ask me again.

"oh, poor thing, you sound so sad...you are welcome to go be sad in your room for as long as you need to. But you can't come back in here until you're done being sad".

Its normal, hopefully since you are consistent she will eventually grow out of it.