HELP! I've Burned the Candle at Both Ends for Too Long!!!

I can't say enough about the book "Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Baby" If I were you I would run out and buy it at the earliest chance I got. It is very helpful.

As far a the house goes, try FlyLady.com. It is a good way to try to break tasks down. Good Lucj!

Wow, you've gotten a lot of good advice already, and I'm sure you can sift through and pick out some good jems here.

I'm discovering more in my own life that the biggest reason why I'm constantly tired is because of myself. Before C-mas I had a lot of stress and inner turmoil. After the vacation (dh is a teacher, had 2 weeks off), I feel refreshed and ready to approach life differently. I was viewing my life as my own, and my duties actually seemed to lie in housework first and kids second (not a conscious decision, of course...). But when I realize that my job is MOM first and homemaker second (during the day), I find that I actually can do both MUCH better and with a cheerful heart. Rather than whining inside when the kids interrupt while I'm cleaning the sink, I start each chore with the thought, "I may have to stop to tend to the kids." Not trying to sound like I've got it all figured out, but so far it's been wonderful and kind of life-changing.

Me-time can be a dangerous term, because I think it can be easy for the idea of needing "me-time" to make you think of your life as your own. Of course you do need time to yourself to relax, clear your mind, exercise, etc., but I've found the key for me is changing my mindset throughout the day to realize that my whole life is not my own. If the kids all go down around 8pm, that would be a great time for you to have time for yourself and your husband.

As far as logistics, I think routine/schedule is a must. Regular bedtime, across the board for all kids should happen. 4-y-o should be in her own bed. All easier said than done, I'm sure. But perhaps you can ease into it: bedtime is 10:30 for a few days, then 10 for a few days, etc. Or, like someone said, maybe she's a night-owl b/c she gets a 2nd wind: so observe her closely to find her FIRST "crash time" of the night, and put her down then. Sounds like bedtime is the biggest issue. 11pm to 6am is NOT enough time for you and your husband to nurish your marriage and lives.

Be gentle with yourself and GET HELP. We are not meant to do this parenting thing without community. If it were 100 years ago, you would have been surrounded with a community of women/families who would help each other out. So hire a babysitter, get housekeeping help, whatever will give you more time to breathe and take care of your brain. I specialise in working with mothers with perinatal mood disorders and it's this overtaxing, this 'burning both ends', (also known as allostatic loading for the professionals who define it) takes a LONG term toll on your brain, mood , and health. You are reaching out and saying 'whoa! I can't keep up this pace'. But if you're like most moms, you'll have a (maybe slightly ) better day tomorrow and put off calling on or finding a babysitter, asking a friend for support, family.... Please reach out and make a commitment to prioritize your self care. Schedule a regular plan when you are feeling well enough to plan it and have the time to make the calls. Not just damage control, but at least a weekly, but even better, every day, time to reduce your stress load. 20 minutes for a run, 15 minutes in a bath, 2 hours for a walk, nap. You won't know what to do with yourself, but if you have it scheduled, you'll have space to figure it out. You can help your brain recover with exercise, restorative sleep (even if you just get two consecutive nights or longer stretches), nutrition ... look at www.postpartum.net for resources and tools to assess your needs. If you're not struggling with mood - you're at high risk.
Talk with your health care providers and know that every mom's first obstacle is to remove obstacles- don't have money to pay for childcare? Find another mom in your situation and switch off or line up 3 friends or family members who can each give you an hour or two on a regular basis. Don't want to have a 'stranger' with your kids? Know that having a break will make you a better parent and you'll build trust. Don't have 2 hours to get to the gym? Run around your block for 10 minutes. Doctor can't see that you really mean it- that you feel terrible- talk to a professional who understands mothers and their needs.
I will be sending you good wishes for the year ahead. There is hope- you are a great mom and obviously giving a lot. If your kid was at a breaking point, you would stop and care for them. I hope you stop and care for yourself.
All the best to you.

I feel your pain!! We have 4 kids; 10 and 6 year old boys and 2 and 10mos old girls. We try really hard to have everyone in bed by 8:00, lights out at 8:30 for the boys. They all get up between 7:00-7:30. I do mornings by myself since my husband is out the door before 6am. Hate mornings! Our 10 year old is very self sufficient, but our 6 yr old is a whole different story. Luckily I don't have to be to work until 3:00pm so I don't have to rush everyone out the door; my poor girls are lucky to be dressed by noon! My husband works 6 days during the week and I work 3 evenings during the week, so we don't get a lot of time together, but I believe that is why we get along so well and appreciate each other so much. I am not the best house keeper in the first place so our house is constantly in disarray, unless we know company is coming! My friends always ask, How do you do it all with four kids? My answer is always, I don't! My house is not always clean, my laundry is not always done, my kids are not always fed on time or dressed appropriatley for the day but you know what? Who cares? My kids are loved, well mannered, and great kids all around even if their mom is constantly dragging her butt through the door with bags under her eyes down to her knees. And all the laundry, all the dishes, all the dust and debris will still be there when your beautiful babies are leaving you for their own lives of chaos. I am not sure this is really helpful for you, but at least you know you are not alone!!

I feel for you! I have a six year old and a three year old who has Cystic Fibrosis so I know how you feel! My best advice is to get the kids on the same sleep schedule. It probably will be hard and will take time. I would invest in the book called "The Sleep Fairy" by Janine Peterson. We used this book for our 3 year old because he kept getting out of bed at night. It works wonders! Also with the house - I have finally come to the determination that my house will never be spotless. So I do what I can, since I work during the week I try to do spot cleaning and then on the weekends I tackle one or two rooms each day. The biggest thing is to take time for yourself. If you live by family or even when your husband is go out and do something just for you whether it be getting mani or pedi or going to the park and reading a book. You need to get a way for a couple of hours each week and it will help you to be a better wife and mother.

Just find a routine and stick with it. As you go you will need to tweak it here or there but it will help.

Our daughter is 4 1/2 and a night owl as well. It doesn't matter if we put her to bed at 7:30 or 10:30. She doesn't normally fall asleep till 11 AT THE EARLIEST! And we were also sleeping in the same room up till maybe 6 months ago. It has heled me get some sleep by putting her and her brother in a room together. (Actually my husband and I moved out of our room so they didn't have to change rooms...) She is still usually up late but the rule is that she needs to lay in bed. She will get up and go potty and I will hear her talking to herself and playing with her stuffed animals or doll. But she is really good about staying put till she falls asleep. So, the biggest way for you to get some sleep is to get her in a different room!

As for the house. ORGANIZE! Take a day and just rearrange things, put things where they go. If there are certain toys that the kids just dump and never play with, GET RID OF THEM! I went through the toy room and put the things that were just getting in the way in the basement. If things actually have a place to be put, it's easier to keep everything where it goes.

When the kids take a nap during the day, YOU TAKE A QUICK NAP! Even if you can only get 15 minutes in, it will give you so much more energy. I lay down with our 2 year old all the time. Even if the 4 year old isn't taking a nap that day, she is allowed to go play quietly in the toy room while we nap. And more often than not, she gets tired and comes and lays down with us to nap!

You've got a lot of issues going on: not getting enough sleep, getting 4 year old out of your bed and into her own, getting 4 year old onto a better sleep schedule, messy house, husband needs more time with you, you need time for yourself and exercise....have I forgotten anything?

I think a first step for you would be to write down a list of everything that needs changing. Then prioritize it, and give yourself permission to focus on changing only one thing at a time. If I were you, it would be the 4 year old and her sleep issues. If you could get her to bed at 9, you could go to bed at 9:30, and you'd be feeling better at 6 when the baby wakes up.

Everything is so much harder when you are sleep-deprived. I thought the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth was really helpful when we were having sleep troubles at our house.

As for the house, is there money to hire an organizer or professional cleaning service (or both) to get things in shape? Then after that you could do the maintaining.

Well, I think the first thing you need to do is get your 4 year old out of your bed. How the heck can you have any time with your hubby- even time talking- if she's in your bed?? There is no reason kids should be sleeping with you. You're right- she needs to be in her own bed, and she needs to be going to bed by 8:30. She's tired, so she's sleeping in until 10, which throws the whole day off. For the most part, the 2 yr old and 4 yr old can be on the same schedule (except for naps). Put them both in bed (their own beds) around 8-that will give them the sleep they need, and give you a little more downtime to catch up at night. Your daughter will fight it for awhile, but hold your ground and tell her she's a big girl and she needs to sleep in her big girl bed in her room. You and your husband need your space back! I make my 4 yr old take quiet time every day for at least an hour in the afternoon. It gives me a break from her so I can recharge, helps her to not be so grumpy in the afternoon/evening, and allows her to take a nap if she needs it (which she still does about a third of the time). As far as cleaning goes, see if you can get your husband or a friend to take the kids for the day (or two) and just clean one room at a time. Then, start working on catching up on laundry a little bit everyday (if you don't have a whole day to do it). I sit and fold laundry when I'm watching a show in the evening- that way I can relax and fold mindlessly, and I'm still getting something done! I think you'll have to have a conversation with your husband about getting things turned around, and see what he feels he can help you with. If you let him pick a few things, there won't be as much frustration. My house is certainly not going to win cleanest of the year, but these things help me out. Oh, and I'm not perfect- I feel that way some days too!! I hope this helps, and that you are able to get some sleep. That will make a HUGE difference for you, and help you have the energy you need. Good luck!

My suggestions are this: move bedtime up 1 hour for your 2 and 4 yr olds. That way they will be getting up earlier in the morning, closer to when baby rises.
2. Get your daughter out of your bed! There will be no "time" for you and hubby with dtr lying next to you.
3. Your dtr is old enough to put away some toys when she is done playing with them. It may help to make a sticker chart and for every day she puts toys away, she gets a sticker or something for positive reinforcement.
4. Tell your hubby that you need his help when he is home. You are not superwoman and therefore cannot do it all yourself. Be specific about what you need, ie, you need him to wash/load/unload the dishwasher or put his clothes away.
5. Lastly, but certainly not least, take at least 15 min each day for yourself, whether it is a quick walk around the block, reading, meditating, whatever as long as it is not cleaning!

Good luck.

About me: married for 10 yrs, am a SAHM to 3 children ages 6, almost 4 and almost 2.

I think the biggest issue is getting your 4-year-old to bed much earlier. Although it might seem like she's a "night owl" and can't get to sleep earlier than 11, she is probably actually overtired and getting her 2nd wind. I went through this with my kids and wish I had worked on it sooner than I did. I highly recommend Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book, "Sleepless in America." She should talk about this issue in her book. I took a class from her when she was writing the book, and we talked about the overtired/2nd wind phenomenon quite a bit. I think you'll feel a lot more rested if you can get her to bed earlier and then you can sleep too or have time with your husband. As for "me" time, I recommend ECFE classes and a membership at the YMCA (if it fits in your budget) as another poster suggested. Regarding your housework, I still struggle with that and my kids are 10 and 13 and I only work part time! I'll be looking at the other posts for recommendations about that myself. Good luck!

Hi K.,

Your reaching out which is key, I would say that you really need time for YOU! I told my husband after being waaayyy too stressed out that I needed him to watch our girls two-three times a week for at least two hours while I worked out. Sometimes I hate going but after I work out I feel so relieved and am rejuvinated, your kids will thank you and so will your husband.

And secondly, you and your husband need time! Sounds like its time for a "big girl" bed for the 4 y.o. she may fuss but she will be fine after a week or so. Thanks for sharing and hang in there.

Stella and Shiana's mom

I remember when my two oldest were little, and my daughter all but REFUSED to sleep anywhere but with me. I had a 3 bedroom home, but she just wasn't hearing being alone in that bed. So, I put a little pull-out loveseat in my son's room as a test (and to give him a little more 'grown up' feel -- he was 7). She took to climbing on that couch as I was tucking him to sleep and reading stories with him, and before I knew it she had claimed it for her own. My next step was bunk beds back together (each had a half in their respective rooms) and it got easier and easier. The fear of being alone can be solved by giving them company.

As for the house. I still face that situation to this day, but with a grand total of 4 kids (plus friends -- we seem to have inherited the title of "Cool house on the block") a mess is always going to occur. I set out 1 day a week for each room, and have a clean up party with the whole gang. Even my 3 year old thinks it's fun when I turn on music and crawl all over the floors. With the 1 room per day designation, the kids have all been a huge help with clean up, and there's even been a few times they've jumped into the next room on the same day.

I started out with paperwork (for me) and assigned each child a group of something to pick up (toys, clothes, dishes, etc.) As I sorted the paperwork, the kid assigned to pick up papers off the floor would take the trash pile to the trash, and I would file the rest in the desk for my husband to filter through and file when he could (he's a truck driver and only home maybe 2 days a week) After all the clutter is picked up in the room, I assign a detail duty (vacuum, dust, water plants, organize) to each of us, and we complete the room.
--In the kitchen your two oldest can help out by setting a grouping of dishes in the sink/dishwasher, and also by putting silverware away. We don't have a dishwasher in our farmhouse, so we have a "party-line" I wash, oldest rinses/drains, next dries and distributes low cabinet items to the little ones.
--Laundry/bathroom: This one was tough for me to get figured out, since the little ones(5 and 3) aren't allowed around chemicals. The oldest two alternate deep cleaning the bathroom three times a week, and the spot cleanings go to the other. I always do the wash, but the little ones alternate who puts wets in the dryer and who pulls dried clothes into the basket for folding.

Kids learn by example, and it's my bet that if you can get them involved in the clean-up effort, you won't have any problem getting them to bed at a decent hour each night because they will get just as tired as you, which will allow you to have your personal time as well!

Best of luck!!!

My opinion will probably be the "unpopular" one, but as a mom to six kids, I can say that it worked for me :)

First things, first - your 4 yr old NEEDS to sleep in her own bed and needs to go to be at 9:00 p.m. It certainly won't hurt her and will do nothing but HELP you. No one can be a good mom on limited sleep. I'm not going to give you a whole lot of advice on how to get her into her own bed. My guess is you already know how and know it is going to be tough. Start now and by Spring, you will be through the worst of it.

Second, pick two or three things that are your "pet peeves" about your house and two or three things that you know you can let go of. Get the "pet peeves" done every day and let the other stuff go until you can get to it. Keep the common areas clean and shut the doors on the kids room rather than stress out about keeping the toys picked up/beds made. However, I do suggest that you make your own bed as soon as you get up in the morning. Trust me, it helps :)

Third, get on a daily schedule. Eating meals at the same time every day, doing certain cleaning jobs on certain days/certain times, and setting aside "play time" with the kids will make you feel more productive.

Finally, rather than asking your husband to pitch in, why don't you try having him watch the kids for 4 hours every Saturday afternoon for 1 month. The break will be good for you. Moms need a break and it sounds like he will be going away soon for awhile so take advantage of this before he leaves.

Last piece of advice: "this, too, shall pass." Before you know it, they will all be in school and you will look back and wonder how you did it all :)

Good luck!

the key is organization...as a single divorced mom of 27 yrs.my kids were babies when we split up-i was 23 working 2 jobs and going to nursing school.i was fried,crabby,etc.then i got extremly ill with a lung infection-couldnt get out of bed for days-my 1 yr old took care of her baby brother-did a great job.but when i finally got well-it was time to reorganize-1st get your kids all on the same sleep schedule-their all sleeping thru the nite it looks like-take control-2nd-go thru your house and organize it-put the kids to work-and your hubby-dont feel bad-its everyones responsiblity for household chores.prioritize your life-when the kids nap-take time for yourself-like i said-organization is the simple key-good luck

K.,

If my kids weren't on a schedule, I would have thrown myself off a bridge years ago. :) It's completely my sanity. You are right about your kindergarten daughter's schedule. Now is the time to fix that. I have seen friends wait until the week before Kindergarten starts to adjust and it's months before they really aclimate to the early morning. To make it work, she will probably need to start sleeping in her own room and bed as well.

Your kids are on a really late schedule, especially for winter. I would try to move their bedtime up 5-10 minutes per night until they are going to bed between 7-8 pm.

As far as the house, read "Sidetracked Home Executives." After my first child was born and I completely lost my ability to clean and organize, it saved me. I used to do everything in big, long jobs, but once you have kids, there is no such thing as a 5-6 hour window to get something done. The book teaches you how to break every job up into mini jobs and find 30 seconds or 5 minutes throughout your day to do it. "Speed Cleaning" by Jeff Campbell is another life saver. Most of us go about cleaning all wrong and it takes too long. We make too many trips, clean things in the wrong order, put things back in ways that take too long. The book is written by a professional cleaning company team who took 25 years perfecting the art of efficiently cleaning. Both these books are at local libraries or really cheap on ebay or used on Amazon.com.

You are smart to take care of this now. As your kids get into school ages, life moves faster, gets more complicated, your kids have more places to be at a certain time. The longer you wait to take care of this, the harder it will be.

Good luck,
S.

You may be his best friend but he is not yours!! If your hubby is not helping around the house or with the kids he is not your friend. You feel like a slave because uyou are a slave to him and to the kids.
First of all you need to have a sit down talk with him. he needs to pitch in and help. He also needs to back you up when you displine the kids. I would start with bedtime, all 3 of the kids go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time and sleep in their own bed. You get up with the kids and make breakfast and eat with the kids. After breakfast the older 2 kids and hubby can take their dishes to the sink, or counter top while you take yours and the baby's dishes and wipe off the baby and the high chair. The baby can sit there for a minute while you either soak the dishes or load the dishwasher. The older two can go wash up, brush their teeth and start getting dressed and make their beds. No they are not going to be able to do any of this perfectly but the idea is starting to put the habit into place and they will get better at it as they do it more often. Daddy can help the kids get dressed and make beds and set them up with either a kids movie or TV program while you get the baby and yourself dressed. Get rid of the unflattering clothes put on something that makes you feel good. If you need a new hair-do, get one, and at the same time get some pointers on a quick 5 minute make-up routine. While the kids are watching their program get dressed, put on a little make-up and brush your hair and teeth. Believe me you will feel better if you look better.
Next take the kids out for a walk or playtime at a near-by park. If the weather is against you plan a play date in the house. All of you will benefit from the fresh air and exercise.
As far as the house work is concerned start a daily chart. You can plan to clean a room a day or just do a little in each room everyday. Monday you pick up clutter and dust, Tuesday you run the vacumm and mop floors, Wendesday you clean the bathroom and do laundry, Thursday you wash windows and go through and do a general pick up of clutter again. Friday you spot clean everything, wipe up finger prints, spills on the floor, etc. If family members or friends are gonna stop by usually it's on the weekend. As you pick up in each room use paper bags or small boxes for stuff that belongs in another room, sort everything according to where it goes and only take it to that room when the bag/box is full or you are done. Help the kids to learn how to put their own stuff away. They can put laundry away, take the clean clothes into their room and hand them an item and say it goes in this drawer, open the drawer and show them how to put it in the drawer. Keep going until they are done.
Hubby doesn't escape any duties he can take over the dishes and grocery shopping and prepare dinner a few nights a week, and do all the clean-up.
Naptime for the kids becomes Mommy time. You can exercise 2-3 times a week, read a good book, do crafts, catch up on phone calls or emails, do your nails etc. But it is Mommy time.
Of course you can make any adjustments to this as fits your household, it's just an idea that works for me.

This is probably small comfort but I could easily have written the 2nd half of your post.

Sometimes I am really bummed out that my house is never super clean. The laundry pile never gets any smaller. Husband keeps stuffing things into the garbage instead of taking the garbage out. I am too busy cooking, cleaning, doing homework, running errands to PLAY. My hair hasn't gotten cut in months. If those boys don't turn off the wii/ps3/ds and give me a hand, I think I will go batty! And just when you think you might be getting ahead...BAM! Someone gets sick (that happened at our house during winter break).

But I think we mommies just need to confess to each other: This is probably how our days go 9 times outta 10. I known it makes me feel a smidgen better to know that most moms are not June Cleaver.

PS -- I did lay down the law in 2009 that I get 3-5 hrs per week at the gym and that means hubby needs to be in charge of dinner those evenings. For 2010 -- I plan on mandating 10 minutes where everyone picks up SOMETHING before they do ANYTHING else when they get home. The kids kinda stink at picking up but for me...It is a gesture of kindness that they at least try.

All your kids are going to bed way to late. Try to 8pm -- all of them (7pm for 2yr old if you want to prioritize), and don't let them sleep late in the morning. If they're in bed, you'll have more time for yourself.

I only partially know where you are coming from, as I am a stay at home mom. I don't know how working moms do it. I don't know if any of these things will work for you, but they are things we have done that work.

First and foremost, talk to your husband. Tell him everything and that you really need some help. Try to do it like you need him, not like nagging. I was able to do most of the work when it was just 2 kids, but now that we have 3...his help is a MUST! Don't get me wrong, sometimes I get mad at him and we have a little spat, but it gets resolved and he helps out. Seems like once in awhile they need a reminder. Also, I will give him a choice...like after dinner, I will say "Kids or Kitchen?" and he picks. Sort of like giving kids a choice...makes them feel in control.

Sounds like the sleep schedule is pretty good. I would just try to get the oldest to go to bed at the same time (9pm) as the others. Thats what we do here...and then I get the time after that as my quiet time to do whatever I need (usually involves a glass of wine...lol). It can be done...my son was a night owl too...but once school started, we had to change our schedule. My son also used to always sleep with us, but when we moved to our new house, the 2 oldest(at the time, 5 and 2 Boy & Girl)began to share a room. Seems like if they have someone with them, they sleep better. Got a night lamp and cd player with bedtime music, and it worked wonders! Our sleep schedule is 9pm for all the kids (7yrs, 4 yrs, and 6 mos.)We all are awake between 7 and 8am.

You could also try sticker/reward charts (works for some...not all). Could do it for both sleeping in own bed, and for picking up. My kids earn a sticker for each good thing they do, like helping unload the dryer, or picking up toys. My 7 year old has to earn 6 before getting a prize, my 4 yr old needs 4. If they fill the whole chart up (which is about 7-8 rows), they get to go to chuck-e cheese. The prizes for single rows can be anything from playing a game with mom, reading so many books, or a toy from the prize box(dollar tree rocks!)etc. This helped me a lot because like you, I didn't feel like I had the time to just sit and play. So, as mean as it sounds, they earned my time. Then we both won. They got me to play with, and I got the house picked up.

As good as it all sounds...I am still tired at the end of the day, and don't have much time for myself. My hubby doesn't get lucky real often, but he understands. I figure the me time will come when I get the kids all off to school. I know that sounds like FOREVER, but it goes by so fast. I can't believe my middle child will start preschool in the fall (late bday). Hang in there and talk with your hubby. I hope you can find something that works for you! Good luck!

My mother had 4 under the age of 3 and when I have asked her for her advice (for keeping things clean) she always says... don't try to do it all at once. Limit the amount of toys and rotate them periodically (put all others away where the kids can't find them- they will think they have new toys when you switch them out). Set up a schedule for cleaning. One room a day, specific days for laundry. Have the older one help sort (my daughter is almost three and loves to help with laundry).When we got older Saturday was the day to change our sheets and we each were assigned a cleaning duty (dusting and raking the rug (yes we had a shag that needed raking) when we were younger and as we got older we had rotated dusting and vaccuming with cleaning the bathrooms)we were also responsible for putting our clothes away... again when we got a little older but I am sure your 4 year old would want to help mom. I am a single mom and I know how tough it is to keep everything going... good luck!

I am assuming you have some sort of bed routine? Do the children share rooms, or do they have their own? Here are my suggestions:

If your children do not share a room.... Your 4 and 2 yr old could have the same routine. To get them in bed earlier, 8 pm ish, start the routine at 7:15. We have them get PJs on, then a small treat/snack, then we read 2-3 books, then teeth brushing, then in bed with lights out. If you do not have an established routine this will take some time, keep at it. It took us almost a year to get our now 3 year old to stay in bed. It was worth the effort though. Expectations of them staying in their own room are important. If your 11pmer is a night owl and "can't" fall asleep earlier, she should still be expected to stay in her room. She is old enough to be able to look at book alone, or something like that. We got our now 6 year old a clock and showed him how to read it, we tell him not to come out of his room until such and such a time, unless it's to go potty, and then it's right back in. For your 10 mo old, start a similar routine now, and it will stick as he gets older. This should buy you a) some me time and or hubby time and b) better sleep in the long run. As for the mess, the 4 yr old is old enough to help, but I would make it simple, like, pick up this many books or that many of this kind of toy and put them away, then come back. 1 task at a time. Make cleaning up a group effort. Sell it to your husband with the statement: if I am not constantly taking care of kids/the house, I may be able to find the energy/time to spend with you! I can't help with the exercising, I have the same problem. I am trying to find 1/2 hour in the evening for that purpose, but my baby is not quite 4 months, and so she needs more attention. In the summer it is easier for me, I am off part of the summer. Good luck to you, just remember, be consistent with routines and eventually it will work out!

Trust me when I tell you this is going to sound easier than it will be. I don't want to frustrate you with that but instead let you know of a light at the end of the tunnel.

1. The four year old needs to sleep in their own bed, this will help with your sleep and your husband's sleep. You can do this by putting them to bed in their room, spending quiet time with them, then everytime they come into your room (it takes a few weeks) get up and take them back. You could even give rewards for getting them to stay in their room all night.

2. Get the 4 year old in bed earlier (you already mentioned knowing this). I would suggest getting her up an hour earlier each day and so she will be more tired at night and get her to bed between 8 and 9 so that she is up with the rest of the family. What we do in our house is that we have bed time routine that starts about 7pm, baths/pajamas, clean up (kids must help or toys disappear). Bed time is 8pm, our daughter goes down easy (1 1/2), our son (3) takes longer, sometimes isn't in bed staying there until 9 or 9:30 but the routine is the same everynight. Routine is key.

3. Cleaning, the kids must help with cleaning otherwise toys can and do disappear in my house. I will put them in bags in the basement or whatever where they cannot get them. They do not get them back until they can show me they can pick up. I usually can get them to pick up if I am helping them. Also, we try to get them to clean up before they take something else out or if they have a few different things out that they are not playing with. As for their clothes, they both enjoy being able and responsible for taking their clothes to the hamper. As for getting the husband to help, let me know if you figure something out on that one.

Take back your life! I've been where you are--4.5 yr. old, 3 yr old, newborn. My husband is in the military, so we dealt with deployment as well. While it's been awhile for me (the 4.5 yr. old is now 20 and a mom), I'll tell you it IS possible to get all of the kids on the same sleep schedule. First, you need to sleep when the kids sleep-period. You need the rest. The house can wait. If possible, keep the kids' toys in one room or area--the "playroom", which keeps kid clutter in the rest of the house to a minimum. If that's not possible, establish a "one toy at a time" rule--you can't take out a new one until the other one is put away. Your husband needs to help with this too--at least by picking up after himself and following through on getting the kids to pick up their things. Kids this age LOVE to help--let them! Don't do everything for them--encourage independence.
Second, the 4 yr. old has to sleep in her own bed. How can you get any time with your husband (sleep and otherwise) if she's there with you? You'll all sleep MUCH better. Does she have her own bed? If not, make it a big deal for her to get one. Let her help pick out her own bedding for her "big girl" bed, etc. It may take some time, but be patient and be firm--she has to sleep in her own bed. As for her being a night owl, my oldest was too. It wasn't until #2 and #3 were born that I realized that it was my doing. When she was a baby, I loved to have her fall asleep in my arms i.e. she never learned to put herself to sleep. This is an incredibly important skill for a child. Watch for the "I'm tired" cues--whininess; "zoning out"; crankiness; quieting, etc. Don't try to jolly her out of the "mood". Establish a bedtime routine-take a bath, get pajamas on, laptime/story time. Start adjusting her bedtime by 20 min or so until you get the older two to go to bed at the same time.
Is there a YMCA or something similar near you? I've worked at the Y since I was in college and it was a lifesaver when my kids were small. There is babysitting available for a small fee and you can take a fitness class or just swim, sit in the whirlpool or do whatever you like and get some "MOM" time. Even if you have to drive 20 or 30 min to get there, it's worth it. If this isn't possible, enlist your husband to give you an hour respite each day (while he's still at home)--go out and walk, go shopping, take a drive or whatever. When he's gone, find a neighborhood teen to play with them for an hour each day--it'll be good for them AND you. Believe me, if he knows it will mean more "together" time, he'll get on board.
The bottom line is, don't become a slave to your kids and house. You'll come to resent them all. You were K. before you were "wife" and "mom"--take care of K. and EVERYONE will be happy. You're in charge -they do what YOU want them to do.

First things first, it sounds like you really need a break not only for yourself but for your family. I have the greatest family and if I ever asked desperately for help they'd be there. Take a weekend for yourself and just breath everything in. Even ask people for help just for a few hours a week so you can get stuff done. I did both. I am a single mother of 2 kids (2 and 4years) and I've always worked outside the home full time until I finally opened my own daycare. I know a lot of people will say this, but clean as you go! Here's a couple tips, I try to limit my laundry baskets/hampers I have, so when I have enough for a load or 2 of laundry I throw it and and just get it done. I buy the scrub brushes that you can keep soap in the handle so when we finish up a meal I take 10 minutes and wash the dishes and let them dry in the sink. I clean the bathroom when the kids are in the bath tub. I don't keep any recycle bins in the house I just go throw them outside in the container in the garage right away. My kids help me 2 times a day with toy pick up. We have a little song we sing while we pick up and they know it's just something we have to do right before we take naps and before bedtime. I tell them they have to have everything picked up because if there's a fire and they trip over toys it could be very dangerous! As for the 4 year old sleeping in bed, you have to be sturn. My 2 year old son tried to do that for awhile and I had to put my foot down and just no talking to him at all and just keep putting him back in his bed. Don't use bribery, it NEVER worked for me, just wasted time. Being that she's older you could try maybe buying her a special blanket or stuffed animal and just tell her, she needs to stay in her bed otherwise it gets taken away. Get your kids into exercising with you! They need to understand how wonderful it is for their bodies too! And they truly enjoy it and will maybe tire them out!

In the end though, if you feel it's too much and just need to get away for the day schedule something to have time for yourself! You deserve it. Just being a mother is hard enough already! You don't want to be miserable, you don't want your kids nor your husband to be miserable either and if they get that way it'll only make you feel worse. It won't happen in a day, not even in a weekend. It'll take time! But just keep scheduling time for yourself. Also, give your husband a list. It's sad but I have to do that, but at least he makes an effort otherwise I threaten him with the fact that if he doesn't help with cleaning, he'll have to pay to hire a maid to come in and help once a week. Hey, that doesn't sound bad either if you can afford it! Good luck to you, hang in there! One day you'll look bad and say how bored you are without all the mess and kids! (I keep telling myself that!)