Unclean House Has Husband Asking for Divorce

Hire a maid to clean once every two weeks -- that way you can focus on the organizing. If you're like me, you will have to pick up a lot of things the day before the maid comes, so she can get to the cleaning, but if its been sitting around for 2 weeks, it needs to be picked up. (Kind of like the police red tagging cars that are parked too long)

I organize best when I do small projects -- 15 minutes cleaning out one junk drawer in the kitchen. Setting the timer works for me -- I tell myself, "I'll just spend 20 minutes organizing these papers and then I can have a diet coke." Sounds like I'm 8 and not 50 but it works.

My house was always clean until I got married. I just started hating cleaning up after everyone else, dogs included. After being married for 13 years, I couldn't take it any more, so I informed my husband I was hiring someone to help me. When I was working, she came in once a week. When I quit my job, I asked her to come every other week. I manage to do it myself on the weeks she's not here. My house isn't clean every day, but at least it is once a week.

Uh - what?? Doesn't your husband have a hand in helping out here? Why is it all your responsibility when you are home with 3 kids? And what about the kids? Even 2 is old enough to help out. With kids around, it's so much harder to keep things clean on the one hand, but on the other - they're all old enough to pitch in. If you can teach them this skill now, all the better for them later, no?

I'm a working mom w/ 2 kids (age 2.5 and 6mo) - this is my strategy. I have a housecleaning service to come in once every two weeks (worth every penny!) to do the toilets, tubs, floors, etc. It's a TON cheaper than a divorce, I'm sure. After dinner, we have "clean-it up" time where we sing and everyone picks up their things and puts them away. We used to have a mini-dance session afterwards (to celebrate being able to see the carpet) but that has faded out. The 2 year old loves to help cook and wash dishes, so I get work done while entertaining him. Oh - and vacuuming! His favorite pastime. Your 5 & 7 year old could certainly help out with chores. I remember helping clean up after dinner every night when I was that age. They can help with bathroom sink & tub too - have them jump in and scrub w/ baking soda, etc (green stuff, no nasty chemicals), then strip down and turn on the tap for bathtime & rinse time. Cleaning can be fun, and the satisfaction/relaxation you feel going to bed with a clean house is a bonus.

But I have to say - if my hubby would threaten divorce over something like this, he'd have my foot in his a** in a second... the nerve! Put that guy to work finding a solution that helps the whole family.

Good luck!!! You can do it. :)

Declutter declutter declutter!!! I used to feel overwhelmed with my housework until one year a friend of mine gave my family use of her timeshare condo in Florida and our family went on vacation there. The condo was a 2 bedroom, 2 bath, with a full kitchen. However, it was equipped to accomodate up to 8 people, so there were 8 plates, 8 cups, 8 forks, 8 glasses, etc. Half way into our week there I realized, I was still cooking 3 meals a day for our family (had to keep our vacation costs down), and managing to keep the condo picked up (no daily maid service), yet it seemed so much easier to me there. I realized it was because the condo had NO CLUTTER! When I got home I went on a major purging throughout my house. I got rid of all the candle sticks and accessories, surplus and half used bathroom products, etc., and I began searching out hotel rooms with this thought in mind: Hotel rooms are designed to be beautiful and relaxing, but also configured in such a way that they are practical, and SO THAT THE MAID CAN GET IN AND OUT OF EACH ROOM QUICKLY. I picked up a lot of tricks by observing how hotel rooms are designed. For example, when I went to buy new end tables for my livingroom, the only requirement that I had was that the legs were wide enough apart that the vacuum cleaner could roll easily underneath it. In the bathroom I keep all my bottles of stuff on a vanity tray. This way I can simply lift the tray and wipe underneath it when I do the counters in there, rather than lifting each individual bottle. I purchased an ottoman for my livingroom's main coffee table and the removable lid creates a storage bin for livingroom toys. I have Ikea roll-out drawers under each of the beds in my kids rooms so more toys can be thrown in there and rolled away, out of sight! Clorox wipes are a God-send in the bathrooms, and so are swiffer products. Also, I keep baskets around. A small basket on teh kitchen counter catches our incoming mail. Another basket on an entrance table catches keys, hats, sunglasses, the dog leash, etc. A larger basket near my favorite reading chair catches books I'll someday read, magazines, and even letters from my mom that I am sometimes unable to open until weekends.
The freedom I've experienced by letting go of the clutter and "smart" designing my home has been incredible. If you can afford a professional organizer, I'd do it if I were you. If not, look around your pool of friends for someone who seems to have these skills and ask them for their help. Or, do as I did and just start observing hotel rooms. The beauty of my home was never in the cute little candle holders collecting dust on the mantel. The beauty is in the wall color, paintings, furniture, draperies, and other things that are essential to the home, rather than in room dandruff and clutter making a sad attempt to accessorize around them.

I haven't really had that problem but...

Keeping a house clean is much harder when kids are little. When my kids were under 5, I finally hired a house cleaner to come once a month. It was all I could afford, but that way once a month all the big stuff (tubs, showers, etc.) could get done, and I could keep up with the smaller stuff in the meantime.

My current method, which in my opinion is really fast, is to have 50+ rags (washcloths) in a rag drawer, and a rag bucket under my sink. When I need to clean I pull out a clean rag, and can wipe (using Fantastic or Simple Green or whatever) a surface really quickly, shake out major crumbs into the sink, and just toss the rag into the bucket without rinsing. Not having to rinse all the time saves LOTS of time, not to mention water. I can clean floors or anything this way. Then when my rags are all dirty (once every couple of weeks) I just wash with TONS of bleach and three rinses, and they are as good as new.

So that's my idea. I love my rag method.

Skimming over other advice I will add: Also like Clorox wipes, and I like Nicole P's take. And please don't take this the wrong way but since most of the moms said your husband was completely out of line, I need to side with him just a little -- I personally would have a really really hard time living with someone who kept such a dirty home (I'm only going by what you said - "pigsty"), so I don't think he's quite as unreasonable as everyone is saying, although divorce should obviously be out of the question. There is always a way to keep a house at least moderately clean, and I'm going to guess that the women who suggested decluttering are probably on the right track for you.

OMG!! that sucks! my house is a mess as well & i never have time to clean. As is my friends’ homes that have working moms. We all do what we can when we can & the best we can. We always say every mother needs a wife! my husband complains & gets pretty evil about it! says i shouldn't have had kids if i can't maintain the house!!! r u frickin kidding me??!! he's out in a couple of months anyway!! soooo glad we're finally getting a divorce! through the years he always threatened the 'D' word, turns out he was just miserable b/c of his own life long secret! you can prob guess what part of that is. so in general he's JUST miserable anyway & he's bi-polar & he & i just have different priorities. he thinks i should clean, i think he should turn OFF the TV & be with the kids! no idea how i'm going to make it on my own with my 5yr old & 6mo old sons, but am looking forward to peace in the house. i'm always saying i wish i had 48hrs in the day, but then prob STILL wouldn't be able to get everything done! he has NO compassion or appreciation for how hard i work at TWO jobs & am sometimes working BOTH those jobs FIVE days a week, how i do the groceries, ALL the meals, pretty much ALL the parenting & getting the kids out as much as possible to create as many memories as possible! In my opinion if there’s an opportunity to go for a walk, go to the park, the lake, color, write, read or just talk!..i’m gonna choose that over the laundry or something else! Sometimes I don’t even have time to take a shower! So anyway you’re not alone as it is obvious from these responses here. Would your husband be willing to try counseling? We did that for a while a couple yrs ago & it helped while we were in it. Saying a prayer for you. You deserve recognition & applause for being a SAHM – not all moms can do that. My outlet is being at my regular job – yes, I wish it could be just a few days instead of five. So congratulations for committing yourself to your children every day, all these moms understand & commend you & don’t judge you for a messy home! Hugs from me too!!!

You are not the only one out there! I completely sympathize... I borrowed this book from the library called The Messies Manual... It describes the different types of
"Messies" and how to overcome our habits. I'm still trying to use it, but it really seemed to understand the root of our problems, why we are the way we are....

You can check out www.messies.com which is the website for Messies Anonymous.

For us the relationship saver has been weekly maid service.

On a more serious note, my husband has never threatened anything as drastic as divorce. It sounds like there's definitely something else going on.... you should seek counseling to work out your issues.
Best of luck to you!

I am very organized, and with my skills I often try to help others get organized at home and work. I once helped my friend a bachelor with his place and it worked for a while, but you have to really want to do it! I found that observing your lifestyle (maybe videotape yourself one whole day) you can reflect on how you perform even the smallest task. For example do you get up to throw away trash or do you just set it down and think I'll throw it away later when I get up, and never do? Then my advice would simply be to have more decorative small trash bins placed strategically around the house without walking all the way over to the kitchen or large common trash bin. Also arrange your furniture with the most impact on how you live not how magazines or typical living rooms are. For instance if you have a coffee table that is always a mess with food plates, and papers then simply get rid of the table and give yourself some room. Set up small endtables near a chair or couch that will only hold so much stuff. I am constantly making trips to the bedrooms to put things away so I got baskets for each child. At the end of each day each child is responsible for filling up the basket and taking all of their things back to thier room. If the dishes or laundry is the issue again bins or many seperate hampers will help. Get one hamper for each person in your family. Everybody is responsible for getting the clothes in the hamper, then all you do is seperate the delicates from the darks and jeans. This comes in handy because often I notice that my clothes and my daughters are softer and cleaner so I simmply sort out our jeans. The same with the boys, they tend to have darker colors and heavier material so seperating is pretty quick work. As for the kitchen sink, give yourself boundries. Iv'e seen some messes that continue from the counter onto the bar and the kitchen table. Put a plastic washbin in your sink and when that bin fills up wash them or put them in the dishwasher, be realistic and set up your own boundries: like only one part of the counter being used for dirty dishes and absolutely no more! Once you do this for a while it gets easier but you have to want it. Also time management is important. If you are a night owl then try to utilize that time rather than watching late night tv. If you are a morning person use that time for yourself before anybody gets up. Delegate and use evrybody's talents. Also don't get too hard on yourself, redirect the "I wish I could" thoughts to "How can I support my unique habits?" Good luck!

Hi K.,

I am a SAHM, and work a small business in my home. I will share part of my experience with you.

I'm sure that you are aware that being a SAHM mom should be one of the highest paying jobs there is. And it's definitely NOT an easy job! Although it is the most rewarding job there can be :O) It also can be very overwhelming, I know! I am trying really hard not to "take sides", but to look at your posting for what you are trying to say. Your house must be really bad for your husband to want a divorce! Or maybe he's really picky, and your house isn't that bad????? Well, in any case, a messy house can make for a stressful life for everyone. Especially for you, because in his mind it's "your job", and let's face it......you believe it's your job, too.

Being a SAHM is soooooooo hard to adjust to! It can take a couple of years to really "Master it". I don't think I've mastered it yet, but I am definitely a better SAHM now than I was when I first started this job 7 years ago! :O)

For me, besides everything being overwhelming, it was depressing! The struggle to take care of it all was simply depressing. In order for me and my husband to justify being at home with my kids, I had to maintain EVERYTHING because my hubby was gone all day earning the money. This meant that house and bills were all mine to take care of! I admit now, that the first couple of years my life were so depressing, and I was sad because I felt too overwhelmed. But it was "my job" so I had to figure it out.

One day the guilt finally got to me, and I woke up and said "I will conquer this job and be the best SAHM I can be"......I wanted to be a SAHM mom that my kids and husband were proud of. I was tired of "letting myself down" everyday. So, I got up, put on my makeup and my favorite, cute sweats, and got to work! It took me 2 days to de-clutter my home. I threw things away and didn't look back! I was going to have a garage sale, but knew I would never get around to it, so I threw it ALL away! Then, I began a new "routine" to help me each day: A load of laundry each day, do dishes only once a day before my husband came home (but rinse everything immediately), put the older kids to work cleaning baseboards, stairs, window sills, and door handles. My work came naturally after this. The best thing that I did for myself, was to "train" myself to be a morning person and not maintain a night owl schedule. I had to get in bed by 9pm, no matter what the house looked like, and get up at 5am. This way, I always had at least a 1 hour headstart on my family. Or at least I can do the things I needed to do for myself "in peace".

A SAHM is like being the CEO of the family. It is an earned title, though. The schedule revolves around what the "mom" says. The mom runs the household, and once she does it well (or good enough), she becomes the CEO. It's really time for you to be "in control" of your position as a wife and mother, and to become the CEO of your home. This evolves from confidence, pride, and hard work. Once you have mastered the things you are trying to master, then you can tell your husband how he can help out :O) I've finally "earned" my title as CEO, and I tell my husband how to help in our home. He listens to me without argument, and he was one of those men that told me "it was my job" to keep the house clean. It is our job, K.. It's just a hard job. We all need to figure it out.

You can start by "simplifying" your life! You need to seriously get rid of things in your home you do not have places for. You don't have to throw it all away (I would), but you do need to bag it or box it up and put it somewhere out of the way. I would start "shoveling" your mess away, and have your kids help! They are old enough to help you clean your house. We all have things that we need to get rid of on a regular basis. The trick is THROWING THINGS AWAY that we do not need!

K., your life will only get more hectic when your 7 & 5 years olds begin getting more involved in sports. So, you need to find a way to "control" your chaos now. I have read the FlyLady rules to help, and it truly seems to work. The hard part is maintaining the schedule. You need to create a schedule that will work for you. The FlyLady can give you tools to create your schedule. I have to say, beginning with a "Shiny Sink" does help! I cleaned my sink the other day, and nothing else in the house was clean. It felt great to have that clean sink!

I know that you have alot on your plate. The need to have your house in order to prevent a divorce, is too much pressure. Try to make yourself proud, and "master" your job. It feels really good :O)

~N. :O)

First you need to get a handle on the mess that has been let go, then maintaining the clean house should be a family affair. Your kids, even the two year old can clean up their messes of clothes and toys. My son is not yet two and when I tell him to put his dirty shirt in the hamper he knows just where to go and throw it in. Do a little laundry ever day and have your husband fold it while he rests in front of the TV after work or once the kids are in bed. Who cooks? Because the PARTNER who doesn't cook tonight should clean the dishes.
I would show him the helpful responses you get back also, he might be out of touch with the fact that women are now working and should be treated equal, lol.
I don't know where you live, but if you want help with cleaning it up send me a message and let me know. I have done this kind of hard spring clean for many of my friends. Sometimes you just need help from someone who is more objective and doesn't have sentimental feelings about all the "junk" around the house. I am a great organizer! I can help you go through everything and get into a place where you are not so overwhelmed so you can keep up the house work. But I think a couple councilor as well as training your kids/hubby about helping you out will go a long way.
Good luck to you, and take my offer seriously! We all need help very now and then. :P

I would suggest the less is more theory: get rid of stuff. If you don't use it or need it now or the very near future, put it in a trash bag and donate it (having a garage sale is a lot of work and won't guarantee you'll get rid of stuff). Start with a bag or two here and there. I also used to keep magazines and mailer to read at a later date: I now make a point of reading my mags within a month of getting them and tearing out stuff I want for later (and put in a binder right away) and toss out. Laudry is either in the hamper, washer, dryer or laundry basket. If I need the basked for a new load, I put it away. Even though your husband works outside the home, he should also help with chores, even if it's just doing the dishes or sweeping. It just saves so much time (for you). I would get organized first, then clean (what you can). I try to keep my floors and counters neat and clean, but shelves that are hardly touched or seen stay dusty until I need to clean them (parties and holidays). My kids put away their toys - if they don't I warn them I will put them (toys, not kids) in a trash bag and put them in the garage (I have done this a few times, so it almost always works). Also, do some soul seraching and see if there are other reasons why there is a mess: are you trying to hide something or cover something up? There will always be set backs. Once you get something organized, if it starts to get messy, don't panic, slowly (or quickly) get things back to basics. This really works: LESS IS MORE and A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN IT'S PLACE.

When my house got out of control, it was usually because I felt out of control and overwhelmed. And with three children & a home business, I suspect that is a distinct possibility for you.

Take inventory of your support system. Who can help you figure out this out? Who can help you get control of your home? Who can help you keep control? If you have never learned to be organized, find a mentor that can teach you organization and then coach you into keeping it and teaching the children to be a part of your new habits. Realize that the stuff isn't worth losing your family over- and be ruthless in getting rid of everything you don't need so there is less to deal with.

Find people you can trade services with.

And be good to yourself. Maybe your husband is feeling lost in the chaos and you being overwhelmed by your work, home and kids- he just doesn't feel valued. You won't have the energy to be there for him if you aren't there for you.

And be ruthless in looking at your life. Get rid of "stuff" in your life, too. Only keep that which serves you.

You can do this.

Hi K.,

I think there are two issues here.

As far as FlyLady, I follow it too but realized I was making some mistakes with it. I don't schedule time or observe the activities that are meant to help you maintain what you've accomplished. I'm also obssessive with it for a bit and then give up for awhile. Consistancy is key in most of what we accomplish (note to self.....:-) Just a little bit each day and include maintenance. You also might find some of the other programs and books fit you better. Whatever system you use, talk to your husband about it so he knows what you are doing. It also may help him realize little things he can do to help. Maybe 15 minutes could become 5 for him or he could concentrate on picking up a specific area that he's responsible for. It sounds like he won't be receptive to it as he sees this as "Your Job". So you may have to slowly lead him to it with information on what's happening and asking his advice.

My thought is counseling or some sort of mediation would help you. His reaction seems extreme and I think there are some underlying issues. Also, todays world is much different than the one many of us grew up in. When I was young we were out of the house literally all day. Our parents (Moms) knew generally where we were but it was a safe enough place they didn't have to be with us while we had "play dates". We also walked or rode bikes home from school and activities. There was much more time for them to do things without us. I often find myself torn between things that need to get done at home and being with my daughter at a park so she can play or taking her to and from an activity. For you, this has to be threefold with each childs activities and then all the belongings that they have.

One last thought is if you can trade babysitting with another Mom. That works sometimes and sometimes it doesn't. All the best to you and I'd be interested in knowing how it works out for you!

Take care, T.

Hi K..

I know you've received a lot of responses, but please read this.

I'm one that actually did get divorced partly due to my messy house. My husband never lifted a hand to help, even when he was out of work and I worked full-time outside the home. Once I became the sahm, I was also home schooling and did a pretty darned good job, if you ask me. No, it was never really clean, but it was never that bad. There was definitely something more going on. There were other women. At first I thought my lack of living up to what he wanted forced him to go for the other women. I've grown up and realize he had a problem all along. Not saying that is your husband's problem, but you really should seek counseling. My kids had to listen to him call me names and blame my weight and my house. I think now that he's had several bad relationships over the past few years, he realizes it had nothing to do with me. He still has a problem. Before it really does come to divorce, please get counseling. Being a single mom is very very hard and my house will never be as clean as I want as long as I have kids living here. A few comments on other posts: If you can't afford a house keeper, you can't afford it. Some people don't believe that, but being a single mom who has to budget every dime, you may not be able to afford it. Nobody knows your budget. Once every couple of months my sister comes over and helps me get the entire house spotless. It doesn't last long, but it is nice when it is clean. I personally don't want friends cleaning my house. My sister is ok. Also, you can put your kids to work, but in my case it is almost worse than doing it myself. My boys help clean, but I always have to clean over what they've cleaned. They will get to a point some day where they do a good job, but for now they can't do what I can do. They take out garbage and do their own laundry, but I would never let them do dishes right now. Sometimes we just have to accept that our house will not be exactly as we want until our kids are older. If your husband is serious about keeping your marriage together, he will split the jobs with you. He has no idea what it is like being a mom 24/7. There is no break for you. He needs to step up and help out and then give you at least one night a week off to go out alone with your friends. Otherwise he may get that divorce and he will be the sorry one. Please let him read the answers you've received. He needs a dose of reality! Do what you can to keep the house as clean as possible. Get the kids started learning to keep their stuff clean, but don't stress if you can't do it all.

No judgments here K.! I don't have any advice but just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I can think of a several stay-at-home moms, including myself who can't seem to keep up their homes to some degree or other. My dearest friend is an absolute slob. She hired a cleaning lady and her home is still a mess! er husband has lost patience with her and is demanding some change as well!

I get so overwhelmed by my household messes that I just don't know where to start! And with a 2-yr. old in the house, I seem to continually be starting and stopping projects without making any noticeable progress. It's frustrating and downright demoralizing. I'm horrified when people come to visit!

I keep trying though. Luckily my husband is very supportive and helpful, but I just want for myself and my family to have the peace and pride of coming home to a tidy, clean and somewhat organized home. Good luck to you on your efforts and search for solutions. I will be paying close attention to any other responses. Maybe I will learn something!

Hi K.,

I HATE housework and I LOVE a clean house. I truly envy people who seem to be naturally tidy and organized. My sister and her HUSBAND have a beautiful home. They both pitch in to make it that way. One thing they do consistently is take care of the mess right away! They don't leave the dishes or floor dirty and it doesn't take them long to get the job done TOGETHER.

I am striving to become a tidy person and it isn't easy for me....So I feel you pain. I use to have a housekeeper come twice a month, but I can't really afford anymore. (Those two days were really wonderful).

When I was married, my husband and I use to write the name of the rooms on a piece of paper, throw them in a pot and draw rooms. KITCHEN, LIVING ROOM, BATH ROOM, BEDROOM etc. You cleaned the rooms you drew. After we cleaned, we went grocery shopping (TOGETHER), came home and put them away (TOGETHER).

Blessings.....

PS...The reason for our divorce had nothing to do with the state of the house!

Given the ages of your children and that your working at home too, no wonder your house is a mess. Mine is too and I have only two kids (6 and 2). I too struggle with trying to increase our income by working at home and trying to keep up with the household chores AND the most important thing ... raise my children which means giving them lots of attention. In my opinion it's most important to give the kids the quality time. The house will always need cleaning. My husband realizes how difficult it is to do it all and is more compassionate than yours. Here's a couple things I do to keep him understanding ... let him watch the kids for a day or a weekend by himself and see how much he gets done. He'll realize very soon the difficulties. Plus you're trying to make income with your business on top of that. Can he work and clean and watch the kids simultaneously? There's a great children's book at our library called "Your job is easy" that addresses this. Anyway, it always looks easier when you're not the one doing it. Instead of threatening to leave, he should be on your team helping you.
My husband already helps do laundry and dishes but we also together decided he could start cleaning one of the bathrooms regularly ... when it's not done, and if he complains about something else, I just ask, how's the bathroom coming? End of discussion. I don't complain about his chores so he shouldn't complain about mine. If he doesn't like it, he can clean it.
And the proof is in the pudding ... how well-adjusted are your children? If he can see that, point out to him they are that way because you spent time with them instead of cleaning. Look around at all the other moms and kids you know. I've found the best behaved kids I've seen out there do not come from emaculately clean houses. Their moms are struggling with household stuff just like I am and not getting it clean. BUT THEIR KIDS ARE FABULOUS. No offense intended to others who are great house keepers but now look at the kids of emaculately clean houses. SERIOUSLY! Look at those kids behaviors. You decide. This isn't quite fair ... there is one mom that I know of who has an immaculate house and well ajusted kids but her husband makes a mint of money so she doesn't have to worry about that and she can afford to hire a housekeeper but I'm not sure if she does but she does afford to buy organizing/storage products and fast cleaning supplies. She throws away a lot each week too ...she says it frees her. We don't have trash pick up where we live so we have to make a separate trip to the dump to get rid of stuff ... and I tend to hoard ... still working on that. But my point is look around at other moms and point out your findings to your husband. You're not alone.
Now here's something else, now that the weather is getting warmer ... if you do make some headway inside the house and actually accomplish something ... take the kids outside and show them how to play with sticks and rocks and stuff so they're not undoing all your organizing faster than you're getting it done. No need to pick up the sticks and rocks after ... they belong outside ... easy cleanup there. My suggestion is to always supervise out there ... just to be safe. Things are different than when I was a kid. I remember my mom sending us outside to play unsupervised while she cleaned. Can't do that any more. Remind your husband that times are different than when he grew up ... ask him to stop comparing you to his mom if that's what's going on. I wouldn't mention this next one to him but in my opinion if our husbands made more money, we could relax a little about trying to earn income and have more time to spend on the cleaning and the kids. It's not my reality and I know he can't do much about it right now so no point in pressing that issue but you see my point.
Instead of him pointing fingers at you ... why can't he find solutions that empower him too.
Finding the balance is difficult. Whenever I succeed at cleaning, the kids miss me and their behavior shows it, and I don't bring in any income. Whenever I succeed at bringing in income, the house is a disaster, the kids miss me and so does my husband. Whenever I succeed at giving my time to my kids, they thrive, they're easier to live with, and the house and our finances are a mess ... but we get by and we all seem happier being around each other although we do all get frustrated with stepping on toys, etc. I'm still searching for the balance. I hope something here has helped you.

I would suggest get some really trusted and willing group of friends to come over and help organize and declutter the house over one weekend. Get over the "Can't have anyone over syndrome". If you have real good friends who are willing to help with cleaning, they are not going to judge you. Things tends to get done faster and more effective when you dedicate the whole weekend to do this. Maybe have a family member watch the kids during the cleaning time.
Once you get your house decluttered and cleaned, it makes it easier to keep it up. Target one room at a time though.

If this is not an option for you and you really want to save your marriage, maybe you might want to seek professional help (professional organizer). It might be expensive, but cheaper than getting a divorce. Once the professional organizer come and get things decluttered, he or she can give you some tips on how to keep it cleaned with three little kids at home.

Is your husband willing to help out also? It's sad to hear that your husband is threatening to divorce over this. While I can see how fraustrating he could get, it doesn't sound like he's helping you much at all. Just because he works and you are a stay at home mom, he needs to realize that you have more work to do with three kids at home than he does working full time. Don't let him blame you for everything, he's just as much responsible.

My husband and I both work full time, and we do equal amounts of work for our 20 months old daughter. He would do laundry, wash bottles and dishes, as well as taking out garbage after he gets home from work at 7pm and before he goes to bed when I work at night.

I wish you the best.

My husband was the same, except he didn't go as far as threatening divorce. He said because he worked full time and did a good job, my job was the house and kids, that I should be able to control the household in a neat and orderly fashion. I also had three young children. I would clean till midnight everynight, and it didn't seem to make a difference, the kids would just mess it up in the morning all over again. My husband is a minimalist and I use to be a maximalist. Basically, I put everything into the attic or garage. The childrens toys I put away too, and would alternate them when they got bored with what they had. Clothes, dishes, towels, everything up into the attic, if I didn't give it to goodwill. If your house is really bad, for now, put everything laying around, in boxes or bigs garbage bags and store away, and go through one bag at a time. Less is more. Good Luck

Hi K..

I'm sorry that your husband got so upset. Maybe he was just venting his frustrations or maybe he was serious. Either way, that was a VERY serious threat and one that really should be talked through. My husband has got mad at me for the state of the house, but has never threatened divorce. I hope he came back and apologized after he had calmed down.

I am not the neatest person on the planet either - but when I clean, I CLEAN! My husband, can't stand mess - but he doesn't "clean" - he merely "tidies up".

There is a big difference between cleaning and tidying. My husband can whip through the house in an hour and have the most amazing number of things back in their place and can't understand why I can't do that too. I, on the other hand can spend a whole morning cleaning one room, but I do it thoroughly.

My point is, that our tolerances are different and your husbands and yours are too.

I try to contain my "piles" to MY areas and also try a decluttering program to deal with MY issues. I encourage the kids to clean up their room and the play area and the yard toys when necessary.

My husband gets stressed by clutter, so I try and make sure I do not leave my things in his areas (around the computer etc) so it does not bother him so much. However, I expect the same in return from him. He has a tendency to leave other items around the house and is not perfect either.

The kitchen and bathrooms are always cleaned on a regular basis.

My husband has been known to vacuum, but I have NEVER seen him wash the floors, clean the counters, clean the toilets, dust anything and he rarely does the laundry. But he will do a smacking job in the yard which I hardly ever touch.

We work best - when we divide and conquer! Or we pitch in and do a chore together - kids included.

It is not always 50/50 in our house - but we are better at certain things. We both work and have two kids and both take responsibility for them.

Maybe try looking at what you are both good at with regard to household duties and divide them up, so that you do what you both have a natural gravitation to do. (Cleaning/tidying, or floors/laundry or whatever). Recruit the kids too.

I also like to get a big laundry basket, swoop around the house going through all rooms and putting everything that does not belong in the basket. I do not put it away, I just put it in the living room and ask everyone to go through the basket and put their own stuff away. It is often a surprise to my husband to find out what he has left lying around the house! (He's not so perfect either!)

Good luck. I hope your husband was just venting.

I keep the kitchen and the bathroom clean as those are important rooms to have clean as they generate the most germs. i make sure to change the beds once a week and keep the laundry up. other than that i have flat out told my husband my child is more important than having a clean house. if my son wants to play or go for a walk, etc., i will go do that. soon my son will be grown and gone and i will have all the time in the world to clean the stinkin house, but i only have him for a brief time and what time i have i want to spend being there for my kid. when it gets to cluttered my son and i go thru and donate or throw away or put in it's proper place whatever needs to be done. my husband will clean something if it is really bothering him. he likes to vaccum which helps. when he does do something i be sure to thank him and tell him i appreciate it. i agree with the other poster who said if you can afford to have a helper do it. if i could i would. good luck !

Hi- If he's threatening divorce over house cleaning something doesn't seem right. What does he do to help? I have a small business I run from home and two girls 10 & 6. I do MOST of the cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. but could not stay organized and neat without lots of help from my husband (and kids). Exactly what does he do to contribute? It would be nearly impossible to really Mother three small kids well and do everything else required for a neat home (WITHOUT a part-time job) all by yourself. You need to have a talk with him, a messy house is never grounds for divorce but a typical marital issue to be discussed and resolved. You might pay someone to get everything really clean and organized and then plan how you and your husband will work together to keep it that way. The older kids should be able to help quite a bit too. Finally, why is this such an "insecurity" for you? Sounds like it's been turned into something bigger than it is because he is using it against you emotionally. I would really have a heart to heart about this. Threatening divorce with three kids seems way over the top, I mean really if everything else is fine in the marriage is he the kind of person that would walk away from his family over a messy house?

Wow! Does hubby help you at all? If you are working from home and trying to keep the house up, he should be helping you...in my opinion anyway. Please try to sit down and talk to him about this issue.

I too have a VERY messy house always dishes, laundry to be done or folded, vaccuuming to be done and bathrooms to be cleaned. I haven't figured it out yet either, but since my hubby doesn't help me out much anymore and insists that I attend all the kids' various events, he doesn't complain much. He would rather see me spending time enjoying my children and spending time as a family than keeping a perfect house. Get your children involved...even young children can do small chores. My 4yo wipes counters, the tv and light switches, helps rinse dishes to go into the dishwasher and helps vaccuum and sweep. My 10yo unloads the dishwasher, washes loads of towels, helps clean up the bathroom and takes out the recyclables and has been since he was 7yo. My oldest at 14yo will do almost any household chore. Of course, they are not consistent and don't do a perfect job and often complain, but enlist them to help. Schedule a nightly 15-20 min family clean up time. Keep it up and try to set up a schedule...I have yet to achieve this, but FlyLady helps.

Maybe write down what you do each day to find out where your time is going and so you can prove to hubby all the little things you take care of on a daily basis. SO SORRY he is not supportive and has given you such a horrible ultimatum! Take care and good luck!

Well, you've caught me on a day when I'm fed up with husbands! So my first question is . . . if you're husband is so unhappy with the condition of the house maybe he should pitch in too! Hubby guilt trips are the worst! Secondly, I try to work in one clean up activity a day (ie: mop, laundry, etc . . .) then I have a couple essential clean up's I do every day like vacuum(we have dogs and cats and a crawling 10m old so it's a must). my best advice is when you look at something little and say "oh I'll grab that later" try your best to do it right that second, it seems like over simplified advice, but that's what has worked the best for me! I don't even know you, but I just want to say I think you're doing a great job! keep it up! :)

Hi K.,
Haven't read all the responses, so I don't know if anyone suggested this...why not show your husband your post and all the responses? Obviously you care enough about your family to reach out to other moms to see what sort of suggestions they have for getting your house clean and helping your marriage. Perhaps this would get your husband to realize that caring for your children and a home is an incredible amount of work that is never ending. Although I only skimmed a few posts, I didn't see anyone that said "get it together lady, what is wrong with you?" Guess that tells you that struggling with a clean house is a common thread amongst families! When you think about it, the care providers who watch children in daycare are not cleaning house, running errands, cooking dinner, blah blah. They are care providing only (ok, they probably do more than that, but you get my point). When the daycare closes, a cleaning company comes in and cleans the joint!
Before I had my son (he's 15 mos.), I was a working professional that commanded a lot of respect from my staff and coworkers. My job was demanding, I had a great deal of responsiblity, I was organized and efficient. At the time I felt my job was really "tough." Well, let me tell ya, being a stay at home mom is "tougher." Definitely in a different way, but for me, definitely "tougher!" Despite giving you the example of the care providers above, I personally cannot figure out why my house is not anywhere close to squeaky clean. I have gone so far as to read and listen to multiple audio tapes on how to organize myself, home, life, etc. After all, I was "together" when I was working before I had a baby. I even called a few friends after a few mos. of being at home who had been SAHM's for years to ask them for any tips they could provide (they all told me they struggled, but gave helpful advice - none of them told me they had "figured it all out," but all were trying). I go go go all day and a good chunk of my day is spent cleaning the house. I rarely get around to deep cleaning (base boards, toilets, etc.) but I assure you I spend a good amount of time each day doing dishes, sweeping the floor, cleaning up food my son has thrown 3x plus a day on the floor from his high chair, doing laundry, preparing meals, etc. I am not bitching. I get a good chunk of help from my husband. Reality is, it simply is what it is and by that I mean it is very time consuming, it can be overwhelming and it does get tedious after awhile. This doesn't mean we aren't great moms, don't love our kids to pieces and are lazy. Each day we are trying harder and harder. I am amazed at how I get to the end of the day and I realize I haven't sat on the floor to play with my son, the whole day has been about "taking care of business." That's when I say forget a clean house, that's not what's really important in the scheme of things (as I write this, I'm thinking I really need to practice what I preach more often!) I am going to read some of these responses to see if I can pick up some tips! I wish you the very best of luck K.!
PS Hire a cleaning person if you can afford it. We had one for a few months after my son was born and it was a sanity saver. Oh, how I wish we had one still!

Sounds like your husband has other issues.

If it really bothered him THAT much he would do something about it himself.

Get marital counseling, find out what the real problem is and start there.

Oh, and yes, hire a cleaning service to get you back to square one. If you can't afford it, call your Mother or sister(s) or cousins to come over and give you a hand. Tell them that you are very insecure about it, but that you are reaching out for help from people you know you can be vulnerable with and not be judged.

P.S. I saw a fridge magnet once that read "A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Life Wasted". ;-)

I am wondering what else is going on with your husband that he would threaten divorce over the house being less clean than he wants it. Here are some less extreme suggestions: HE can pitch in and help, or you can hire a cleaning service every two weeks. I think his stance is nothing short of ridiculous, personally. I suggest some marriage counseling to get to the root of the problem, because I would pet money that it's not just the cleanliness of the house.

Clean your house!! Not just for your husband but to teach your children order and structure. And then tell your husband to stop complaining about the problem and become part of the solution.

L.

I feel ya! No matter what I do I can not get a grip on my house! I feel the clean gene passed me over! The harder I try the worse it gets for me!! I recently went back to work after being home 3 years, my house looks the same when I am home or working! Not enough hours in the day either way! Since I have started working again, I have been having my 18 year old niece come in once a week and help me, I give her 40 bucks a week (I am helping her since she is a full time student and doesn't have a job, and she is helping me) Is there anyone you can get to come in and help you? I also notice when I try to clean things out alone, I tend to hold on to more items, when I have someone there with me, they can usually talk mwe out of things I REALLY don't need anymore! Also if your hubby is so anal about all of it, does he bother to help you? I hope you get it figured out and know you are not alone! Good Luck

I don't know if this is a reasonable suggestion for you, but if you have a few extra dollars put away somewhere, why not hire a cleaning lady (ask your friends or neighbors if they have a good one)? Maybe it would even just be once a month to do the major cleaning (mopping floors, cleaning windows, dusting ceiling fans, scrubbing toilets etc), and then from there you can keep it straightened up on your own. One time I was curious about that family in Arkansas with the 18 kids (you know, the family with their TV show on TLC?) - how on earth does that woman keep a 7,000 square foot house clean with 18 kids running around? Well, I looked on their website and discovered that she has her kids help her do a tidying-up several times a day. So they just stop whatever they're doing and clean for 15 minutes or so. I guess that would work for the rest of us - we don't have 18 sets of hands helping, but then most of us also don't have a 7,000 square foot house either!! LOL I guess the point is, everyone who helps make the mess, helps clean it up at set times each and every day. Even very small children can help.

I think you are wise to try and get it all under control. I know it can be overwhelming, but just get the house clean, and then FORCE YOURSELF to keep it that way! Good luck!!

Threatening divorce is not fighting fair no matter how serious the issue. Seek counseling to work out some better ways of resolving conflicts.

I also run a small business out of the house. It doesn't make much money, but it is real work.

About cleaning:

1) Be ruthless about throwing stuff away. Don't keep broken things, old magazines, stuff that you don't like but was a gift, etc. Get rid of as much stuff as you can. If you haven't used an item in more than a year, give it away.

2) De-cluttering can help your house to feel neater, even if it isn't clean.

3) Have places where each thing belongs and always put them there. Laundry always goes in the basket, toys always go in a box/shelf/basket, shoes always go in the closet...

4) Get into the habit of straightening your house once or twice a day. Start at one end and remove everything that doesn't belong there. As you go through the house, put things away. Once you get into the swing of things, it will only take 10 mins or so. Put on some good music to help you move.

5) Consider hiring a cleaner to come every two weeks to do a serious clean. We pay $100 every two weeks (1500 sq ft). They clean the surfaces (dust, mop, scrub). It takes them (usually a team of 3) about 1 hour to clean our whole house. I keep costs down by straightening the house before they come. They are here to clean the house, not clean up after us.

If you are running a small business out of your home, you are working even if it doesn't require you to commute. That should mean that you get some help around the house (either from your husband or hired). From your husband's attitude, I suspect that even if you were working out of the house, he would expect you to do all the housework. This is totally unfair.

Some of the best advice, I ever got was that every family should make a list of chores and rate them according to how much you each don't like them. Choose the tasks you hate the most, and hire some one to do it. It is much cheaper than divorce and really removes stress. If there is just no way you can afford to hire some one, divide up the household chores and trade off (maybe you hate doing laundry, but your DH doesn't mind it).

Looks like you have a lot of advice already, but here's my two cents :). First I would suggest two books. The first book is Organizing for Dummies and the second is The Big Book of Family Fun by Gwen Ellis. The first book has really helped me to go room by room and get things organized so that it is easier to clean up the mess. The second, while mostly focusing on "family fun" has a great chapter on how to get your daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly chores under control and organized so that you have more time in the day. Once you have those books and have read through them I would suggest calling a family meeting. You need to let your husband and kids know that the house has gotten out of control and that you are too overwhelmed to tackle it on your own. While you are a SAHM and most of these chores will fall on your shoulders, there is no reason your husband and children can't take some of that burden off your shoulders. Your two older children are plenty old enough to start being in charge of cleanin their own rooms and picking up their toys around the house. They can also help with little chores, setting and clearing the table, helping with dishes, etc. At 8 I was in charge of the cleaning the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, and dusting. I would suggest putting together a chore chart for EVERYONE in the family (you and your husband included). Not only will you get the help you need, you will be teaching your children the tools they will need to keep their future homes clean and organized. I hope this helps, and good luck!

I know this is a touchy subject, but perhaps you should consider both of you going to a marriage councelor. My husband and I have done so in the past and it is amazing what a third persons perspective can do!

BTW - it is impossible for a SAHM (even without a home-based business) to keep a house completely clean. I am a very neat and organized person by nature and am still unable to do so. So, you should not feel guilty. Spending time with kids is much more important. I am still learning to put my kids above a clean house. I would much prefer a messy house in order to have some time with the kids. Perhaps if your husband heard this from a third person (thus part of the suggestion to see a councelor), he would understand better.

You might ask him to clarify a few things.

"When you say you want a divorce, are you saying that you want to out of this marriage or are you saying that the messy house is really bothering you and that you are desperate to get it clean?" Hopefully, he was just being dramatic.

Then you might ask, "Are you willing to participate in reducing the number of our possessions so that it is possible to keep the house cleaner?"

Your like every other mother. There is never enough time to keep our homes spotless or even sometimes livable. I Take a part of my budget and I make sure I have enough for my Cleaning lady. She only comes every two weeks but it helps me keep my sanity and my tub and cobwebs somewhat under control. Just ask for help. Knowing the cleaning lady is coming helps me stay somewhat on top of it and if the place is a mess when she gets here oh well (she does not care). Good luck and give yourself a break.

You've got plenty of good housekeeping advice. As far as your husband, you need to find out what the real issue is. It may not even have to do with you! My husband once tried to tell me he'd divorce me if I did not lose weight - I flew off the handle and called his bluff - asked for the divorce! You should have seen his face LOL! We talked about it and it turned out he was stewing in jealousy over his much younger boss's career and drop dead gorgeous wife. I'm not suggesting you go ask for a divorce, but you do need to let him know you don't appreciate the threats.

Hello K.: Your husband sounds desperate to get your attention. Having been with my husband nearly 40 years, being the mother of 5, and having run my own cleaning business both for military housing with inspections, and helping people to be better organized so they can sell their homes, or just live more peacefully. I can say that I relate well to your problem.
When working with people I would ask some basic questions.
1. Is this stuff (what ever that is) more important than you, your family, your relationship with the one you love?
2. If you had to find one important piece of information could you do it in less than an hour?
3. If you are paying $2.00 a foot for storage space how much do you have invested?
I have a child with a disability and the doctor told us that he can not funtion and learn in an cluttered enviroment, this may be true for you and your children as well.
I can tell you that I would have my clients empty out everything that did not belong to the room we were working on and then scaledown one more time. I would even have them empty out the room 100 percent if we needed to. We could then figure out just what the function of the room was ment to be and what would it take to accomplish that goal.
I want you to know it can be very painful doing this but you won't regret loosing a thing because you gain so much in the end.
There are many television shows like "Clean House" that can can help get you started. I wish you well because I know that it will have far reaching effects for your self, your childre, and most importantly for the relationship between your husband and you. Best Wishes, G

K.-
I just had this same discussion (minus the divorce part) with my husband last night. My thought is that you both work full time, so you both need to compromise and contribute to the cleanliness of the home. I am a piler. I clean, but there are always little piles everywhere. Sigh. THis is my suggestion, and it works wonders for me and my family and friends. DO you have 3 or 4 girlfriends that would be willing to help you out? 4 weekends in a month....Each week, everyone goes to one house and cleans it top to bottom. YOur husband can help out by- mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, and getting food for the group. Each weekend you clean another ladies house. Everyone gets a good cleaning, and then there is less to maintain. I do this with yardwork between my 2 sisters and mother.
Another idea, which the husband may be more inclined to help with- is to set room responsibility. You work out of your home, so the clutter of business gets mixed with the clutter of home. You should see my desk at work! Or, not see it, truth be told. If I had to take it home I wouldn't be able to see the carpeting. SO, talk to him about which rooms of the house he would like to clean up- telling him you need help to maintain both marriage and lifestyle in a cleaner way. Men like to feel needed. If he would be willing to keep up- say, the bedroom and the bathroom- vacuum, dust, launder, toilet, shower, etc. Then you would be willing to do the living room and kitchen and if he would encourage you instead of threaten you, you would have an easier time making an attempt at keeping the business mess more organized. He could also help you by making shelves and cubbies where you could keep things more organized.
My last thought, and this is not intended as a negative, but if he loves you, why is he threatening you with divorce? I vaguely remember saying for better or for worse. It has taken me 7 years, sans kids, to be able to keep my house somewhat in order, and some weeks I look at it and think- did I pick up at all? Kids bring a little more mess into your life and he should expect toys to be out, clothes to be on the floor, here and there. I am by far, non critical of your mess because I suffer from a lack of organizational skills and have a very hard time with it. My husband and I are very slowly learning, but it takes both of us- even more so when we do have kids in the house, we will both need to be on the same team. Kids are a full time job- and then working at home as well!!! He needs to see what you do as valuable and make the effort to help you- and you, in turn, do everything you can to continue to improve upon the mess. It's a team effort. I hope this was helpful.
Good luck!
-E. Mc

Did your husband lose the use of his own hands at some time? Why doesn't he pitch in? You sound busy enough to me. Perhaps you two could find some way to hire cleaners or, in lieu of that, get some marriage counseling. Sounds like your husband has some underlying issues and is using the "messy" house as an excuse.
My house is messy enough with two kids, but my husband and I attack the mess together if we find the time. Other than that, we simply enjoy our time with our family.

GL

does he do all the child care? does he bring home all the bacon? does he currently do all the cleaning and is simply disappointed that you don't do your share? does he pay you to clean the house while paying for someone else to watch the kids?

if the answers are no, it sounds like you have a serious problem. let him leave, have his own home and then see what it's like to clean it when he has his 3 kids over. he sounds like a jerk.

get some marriage counseling if you really love him. if he loves you, he'll do it. good luck sweetie!

Why doesn't your husband help you clean up a bit? If he can't then maybe you should be divorcing him! You're working as a full-time SAHM plus have a business on the side, so you're actually as busy as him. Plan something realistic with your partner and work as a team to get the job done. It's Spring, so do a good Spring cleaning over a weekend (can anyone look after the kids at least one Saturday?), then throw or give away the unwanted things. Good luck.

I'm sure you are not the only one making the house messy. I stay home with my two boys and I have upto 4 daycare kids at any given time so my house tends to get cluttered and I have a hard time getting to the dusting and what not. If your house is so messy that your husband is threatening to leave then he needs to help you clean it. Maybe once it is cleaned up you can better keep up with it.

if there are piles, take on one or two piles a day. Hire someone to come in and do a major cleaning of the kitchen, bathrooms and change all sheets, and do all the laundry. Have this person come once or twice a month from then on. To be a stay at home mom, with a home based business and maintaining the home with 3 small kids (plus you have to make sure they are entertained, schooled, homework done, etc.) is a lot. Does your husband help at all? Kids toys all over, get some large bins/buckets from Target and toss all in there (one for each kid). Make them clean up each evening. It is simple to wipe out sinks and toilets each day (takes about 5 minutes)--get the Lysol or Clorox wipes and make it a habit. You need help--if your husband won't help, get someone! You work too.

I really feel ya it was a point of contention in my marriage too since I don't put in the same hrs as my hubby. My best suggestion is there a way to bring in an extra $60ish dollars a week? If so hire someone to come in once a week for a few hrs it has honest to god saved my marriage and my sanity and its worth every penny put that time towards working if need be but its really worth it even though some people feel like its unaffordable or a cop out there are many inexpensive options to just help you get your head above water its pretty easy to find someone for $15-18 and hour... Some of us just don't have that particular skill set don't stress on it

It can be so overwhelming to get a place in order once it is in disaray. Just try to do a little each day. You have 3 kids which are alot of work. If there is an area that has alot of his stuff request him to do that area.Get the movie Fireproof and watch it with him. He has left the marriage in his mind already and needs to see that you have worth.

I don't know what to say other than it is a battle I have fought and lost over and over again. I am divorced and have been a single mom for most of my life. No man would come into my life like this and with 5 kids - well...

My suggestion is to budget some weekly professional help from a maid service. He obviously isn't willing or able to help you and you have a lot on your plate with three kids and a business to run. Get some help and put this insecurity to bed - keep your husband single parenting and raising fatherless children isn't easy and the mess will multiply if you are all alone.

Good Luck - but I know first hand you can give a man everything he has ever wanted but if he wants the house clean - he will leave you for that. I know a ton of men in horrible marriages with clean women and they stay...

WAIT A SECOND....Your husband is threatening to leave if YOU don't get the house clean when you're mothering three kids under the age of 8???? Has he been watching too many episodes of Mad Men? Is he from the fifties?? Does HE do anything to help clean, or does he just come home to his castle like George Banks in Mary Poppins???? He needs to come out of the world of movies and check out the real world!

My dear husband of 28 years has ALWAYS helped with the housework, and we have gotten the kids to help as well. 7 and 5 are not too young to have a few chores to do. When my boys were 7 and 5 we moved into our big house (well, it seemed big at the time, now it seems small!) and the boys were enlisted to help in a weekly cleanup session of the living area of the house, as well as having to clean their room AND help clean their bathroom! AND help with 'KP'--Kitchen Police' every night! And my husband has always participated in these 'family clean-ups'.

Any guy who would threaten to leave if his wife doesn't clean up the house had better get his freakin act together and help out, or go ahead and leave and see if he can hire a maid to clean his own act. OR, why not get him to hire a service to help you out? My friend has just posted her business on Mamasource--it's under "other" services, and called "Extraordinary You" and among other things she helps people organize and plan their life. Check her out. Maybe your hubby would consent to hiring someone to help you get to square one, since it sounds like you've been in the negative for a long time. Then you can start with family participation in keeping it there. But really, three young kids and trying to do an at home business? You have to let go somewhere!

And good luck. Make the family help out--it's for everyone's good. My boys are now in their twenties and they know how to do laundry, clean and cook and keep their act together...well, sort of..(and their girlfriends are impressed!) My daughter's a total teen piggie, but that's to be expected. But she, too, knows her way around a toilet brush and a broom! She just avoids them as long as she can get away with it. I always told the kids "I don't expect you to WANT to do it...I just expect you to DO it!!"

Good luck. Let me know how it goes. And do look up my friend's service.

K.,
I think all moms have felt as you at one point in time. It's unfortunate that your husband does not understand you are working 2 jobs as a mother and income earner. Maybe when you both are calm you can talk to him about how important it is to have his support in this matter. That you need his help to keep things neat too and to set the example for the kids by picking things up when he sees them left out. It is really depressing for the entire family including you to live amongst disarray and clutter, this can cause unneeded stress in the household.
The key is ORGANIZATION! Plain and simple.
1st thing to do is to set aside 1 day to take care of this issue. Tackle one room at a time. Start with the room that will make the biggest impact, like the Living room or Kitchen.
Get rid of anything you have not used in the last year... you don't need it! Remove furniture that is in the way that you do not use. Donate all newspapers, magazines books etc...
For the Kitchen clear the counter tops off only leave your coffee pot out and maybe Kitchen aid if you use it throughout the week. Finish all dishes daily - kids are at an age where they can help clearing the table and unloading the dishwasher etc.

Have kids put all the toys in their rooms so when dad comes home the environment feels peaceful and tranquil.
Have daily chore lists for the kids according to age.
I.E.
Take out trash, put away toys, take dirty clothes to the laundry room, clean your room, make bed etc... they may not do the jobs perfectly but you are letting them know they are part of the family and everyone has to do their part to make it a success. In addition you are training them to be responsible young adults and as they grow you will be able to give them more chores that will help lighten your load and give you much needed family time. You can decide to reward them at the end of the month if they complete their chores w/o complaining with a special event, treat or allowance.

My mother taught me, "Never go to bed with a dirty house!" - so as a rule of thumb at night when the kids are sleeping take 30 -45 mins. to go through the house to pick things up and make them neat. That way you wakeup to a clean house and it is easier to maintain. I hope some of this advice is helpful for you. I run a home based business and I know that I could not do it if I was not organized and had the support from my family.
I am confident you will be able to do this too!
Wishing you success!

K.: I'm a SAHM, too--since June, 2002. Two boys. I use to have my own at-home business but needed a break. I know exactly what you're going through EXCEPT--my husband got crabby about the house instead of threatening divorce.

The main thing that hit me about your email was your husband's attitude--I agree with others who say there's something more than just the house bothering him and you two need to find out what it is (if this is a man you want to stay with). Your husband's insurance may have EAP (Employee Assistance Program) which would cover a marriage counselor for both of you as well as counselors for each of you on your own. My husband and I did it a few years ago and it not only saved our marriage (money issues) but also made our marriage even better. I heartily suggest it.

NOW. About the whole stinkin' house thing. I have felt your guilt and it still hits me once in a while. "He works all day. I'm home and my only responsibilities are making sure the kids make it to school and are fed. My house should look like Martha lives here." As realistic as that sounds on paper, in life it's as far from right as you can get. Life happens and it happens quicker than the speed of light. If you can, spend a weekend--yes, make the husband help out: he wants a clean house, too--and do what you can to clean/declutter. Have the kids help--sit down today and think of realistic chores they can take over. I make my 8 year old wipe down their bathroom each day w/Lysol wipes and the 5 year old picks up dog poop. They both are responsible for picking up their own toys and the family room each day. Once a week they have to pick up their room. I love it when they start whining "why should I have to pick it up? I didn't (whatever)!" because then I launch in to the whole "I don't wear your clothes. I can only eat one dinner. I'm not eating lunch with you at school." etc. and make them realize that I routinely fix stuff that I didn't cause. Then my husband jumps in and says that everyone works together as a family so that we have more time to do fun stuff instead of cleaning. I also have them wipe banisters/trim boards when people are coming over.

Anyway--after the weekend clean session set up a cleaning schedule. I have mine broken up so that each day I sweep and do the kitchen (dishes, wipe down counters) and I break up the other chores so I do one or two extra a day. Usually I spend less than an hour cleaning (1/2 an hour on most days) and it's a great feeling to know that I've finished my chores by 8 in the morning. :) I also do laundry three times a week and try to iron once a week.

I agree with Grandma (B?) who said that a tidy home is a restful home and a messy home encourages discord. I also agree that we didn't quit our careers to become maids and chefs and chauffers. There has to be a balance and the family needs to work together to reach it. You all should feel good knowing that you're helping each other out.

Good luck--I know it's hard to get to the "easy to maintain" stage but with effort from everyone you should get there a lot quicker. Make sure you don't blame yourself because you're not the only one making a mess (can anyone suggest a way to convince their family that the garbage is UNDER the sink, not in it or on the counter?).

M.

Dear K.,
All families have some or other issues. Lately, I have been reading a lot of books on communication in relationships, emotional intimacy, love and relationship addiction. These books have helped me a lot in sorting my life out. Some book tittles that I can remember are : stop blaming the other gender...., if only you would listen, how one of you can bring the two of you together, dance of connection, forgive for love, escape from emotional intimacy, laws of attraction, if we are so in love then why are't we happy. There are many many more that I can't remember now. You may find some of these books at a public library (San Francisco library has them) I realize that you may not have any time to read that but try to see if you can find yourself 10-15 minutes before going to bed or some other time. I have a great respect for women who choose to stay home to take care of house and raise kids. It is the most difficult job of all.

Now, you may get advice to talk things out with your spouse or see a therapist but what I gather from self help books is that there is a lot of healing that has to be done on our part and meet our own needs before we take any steps towards our relationships. We may think we know our partners but often times, we see our partners through a image we have in mind and our projection of them. When our start accepting each other's reality and work towards our own unmet needs, things change in a positive way.

Stay strong and compliment yourself for what you get done everyday and complements others in your family for what they get done. Take your focus off of what is not getting done. Hope I am making some sense. I am a clean freak myself and I have come to realize that it is my own need to have a tidy house and healthy home cooked food, so I work on it all by myself when I come home from work but by doing so I am not able to do other (perhaps better)things such as play with my child(my husband's complaint).

Feel free to e-mail me if you find me of some help.
-Rachna

Hi K.,

The first thing you need to realize is that statistics show that a SAHM has the equivalent of THREE full time jobs! And you have a home based business too! Well, you are a busy woman and housekeeping is just one large job in itself. I know, I too recently became a SAHM and my husband travels a lot. The only way to keep my sanity is to clean in the evenings, when the kids are asleep. But, I do get lots of help on the weekends from the entire family. We work as a team and I encourage all the kids to participate. Whether it be laundry, putting dishes in the dishwasher, working on the yard, cleaning the car out or just plain picking up toys and sweeping. also, We have a rule, who ever cooks dinner does not have to clean up. And, we have a fend for yourself night. The kids can choose a can of soup, salad, frozen food item, top ramen or whatever. It gives me a break from cooking and cleaning. We also eat out or take out at least one night a week.

If your husband is threatening divorce, then you need to ask yourself if you want to work on the marriage. If so, you may want to seek professional help so that the two of you can help redefine your roles. In this day and age when there is so much going on in our lives it's important that families work together to survive and not go crazy. Housekeeping is too big for just one person.

I have 3 kids ages, 17, 4 and 9 months) I also have my 28 yr old nephew and his 5 1/2 yr son living with us too) We have too help each other in these crazy times.

Hi K.

Perhaps the house isn't the real issue at hand.. I mean people can work on that, come together as a family and decide to get organize and clean up, I don't know how messy your house truly is, but are we talking about hoarding issues here and is so, Oprah did an entire show on that. There is info on the net about it too.. Also, when someone threatens divorce for things such as a messy house, I wonder if there is more to it.. Maybe you two need to sit down and have a heart to heart and or with a therapist to really cut thru to the true issues?

Hi K.,

You have your hands full. Have you ever considered a cleaning person coming in to help you once or twice a month? I finally broke down and have someone twice a month and boy it helps a bunch.

Then all you have to do is focus on one room at a time and keep it organized then go to the next room etc. It is easier when it is started for you.

Hang in there lady. You can not do it all by yourself. You are putting your time in also and your husband needs to see what a job you have to do.

Does he get days with the children so you can get out and he can see what you do? That may help also.

Wish you well. Take care of yourself also.

Have a blessed weekend.

N. Marie

Maybe you could hire a housekeeper to come in one time for a full day to get it clean. It would be easier to maintain than to do the initial cleaning. then, you have two children who are of an age that they can help with chores. Not only will this help you, but kids really love it when they receive praise for a job well done. I would be having both the 7 and 5 year olds clean their room and make their bed every day. Then, the five year old can sweep, the 7 year old can take out garbage, they can help clear the table after dinner and put dishes away in the cupboards that they can reach. There is a whole host of things those 5 and 7 year olds can help with that will benefit the entire family! Also, you need to get your husband on board also - there are things he can and should be doing also. I'm sure he helps to make the mess and he would be setting a great example for his son!

Didn't read every response, but here are my thoughts and ideas.
1) Divorce over a messy house? Really? I find it hard to believe that is the real isseu, but I'm not in your shoes...
2) Hire a housecleaner if that is what it would take to save your marriage! Think of the cost of a marriage counsler, esp. if cleanliness is the only issue at hand, divorce is expensive!
3) In Santa Rosa, you get 2 free dumpsters in a year. Empire waste will drop it off, and pick it up. Get one and just fill it up! Just dumping trash will kick-start a cleanup.
4) Then hire or recruit help to clean your whole house...and then you just have to work on maintaining, hopefully with the help of a housekeeper, even if it's just once a month or so. Once you have a clean house, it will be easier to maintain, and you will be more motivated/less overwhelmed.
5) Use the time and help you have. I get a lot done on weekends when my husband is home because he can help with the kids. I let the kids play while I get a room done at a time. (when we are home, of course)

I do a LOT of entertaining, and it is always a great motivater to clean!
Also, as a SAHM, remember, our job is 24/7...literally. I think some husbands (mine included before I had a few blunt talks with him) are stuck in the go to work, come home, my job is done. Well our job is NEVER done. I told my husband that if he wanted to go to work, then come home and crack a beer and watch the game, then he needed to have stayed single and not had kids! lol! Well, good luck, whatever happens!

Hi K.,

I did not read all the responses that you received. I have a 3 year old daughter and I can't keep my house clean for a day, once its clean in the morning, it will be messy by the afternoon. Your husband need to help with the house chores. I work full time so the only time that I have to clean the house is either when I get off or during my days off. Its seems to me that your husband does not understand that its difficult to keep the house clean when you have 3 kids running around.

My husband sometimes complain about the house being messy but he will help me with house chores. I believe in team work and its not a woman's job to clean the house. Maybe hiring a house keeper would be a great idea.

I wish you the best of luck

Sandra

K....overlooking the house issue....if you husband is threatening you with divorce....you two need to go seek a marriage counselor...obviously there are underlying issues going one with your husband.....

I am the same way with my house...but, my husband has not once threatened divorce...

If some of your problems with the house are your kids then......law down the law with them, tell them they need to pick it up...if they do not listen to you..then when Dad gets home....he gets a trash bag and starts trash bagging it.....of course you do not throw these items away...put them in a safe and secure place where hte kids cannot get them. My husband comes home every night and does this or checks to make sure thier area is clean....and I give them a warning an hour before hubby gets home..it works...and gives me more time to concentrate on the kitchen, laundry, etc...

You may be like me ...if things are not picked up, you cannot move forward to actually clean..

also..I bet the computer is another issue....get what you need done in the morning..and then TURN IT OFF. Take your cleaning breaks another way but not on the computer...the computer tends to suck you in and not let you off! LOL!

I also did flylady and it worked for a while....

to please your husband...make sure you take note of the item he is always asking for.....for me it's his laundry and hte kitchen being clean..I make sure that those are the first things I do.....

as you clean, I bet you think of other things you need to do and stops you in your tracks of cleaning...get a sheet of paper and write those chores down...

0nce you get the chores done for what you think is good..go to your list and start hammering them out.

I have also started practicing that if hte house is not picked up, we cannot go out for our fun stuff with the kids

also as hte summer comes up....I've been telling my girls..no picked up rooms, no pool...

I'm also going to get a chores chart for them...pick up room, brush teeth, and help mommy in one chore..they are only 3 and 5...so this should work.

Your 7 year old should be able to help with gathering laundry or possibly doign the dishes for you.

also, do you watch tv.....you probably do..I'ma tv junkie....don't watch it during the day...get a vcr or a dvr..and tape your shows that way..the only time I watch tv during the day is when I am folding laundry....once I am done...I turn it off.

Hope this helps....this is what works for me. I am a closet slob...some of my friends think I am a normal clean person..if they only knew....

you have three small children at home and you can't keep the house clean? well welcome to the club. i only have two kiddos, one is 9 and i make her do as much as is reasonable (she's starting to do her own laundry, yay) and i still can't keep the clutter beat back.

Hubby ought to help, not threaten. is it YOUR sole responsibility? NO! does he cook? does he put the kids to bed?
does he keep their appointments and put away their clothes? my husband may not actually know where the girl's sweaters go, but he does cook quite often, and takes up the mantle when i can't. it is a shared job.

advice? get a group of girlfriends to come over and help one day for 3 hours or so to do as much as can be done. promise the same help at their homes, on whatever projects most bug them. this done once every couple of months can really help, and can be very fun!

i don't know your situation completely, but really, with three small kids, and you also bringing in income for the household, you deserve some slack.

this is not the 1950's. to live like a slave in your own home is only something someone on valium can do. beat back the clutter as best you can, tell hubby he has some responsibilities too, and rest assured, things will get easier as they grow.

good luck!
~robin

I read some of your posts and I agree with many of them... something is up with your husband. Is he looking for an excuse to divorce you?

I am a SAHM to my two kids and I am not expected to do all of the housecleaning. My husband and I share the house work 50/50. If we fall behind during the week we work together to catch up on the weekend.

Leave your husband alone with your three kids and your at home business for a few days and see how much he gets done.

Well to me it sounds like you have at least jobs, one out of the house, one as a mom, one as a chauffer and than apparently on top of all of that, a housekeeper as well.

I too have a messy house, I blame it on the kids and being a working mom with a long commute who is basically a single parent during the week because my husband works out of town. However....my husband DARE not say anything about it unless he is willing to put in the time to help make it better as well.

Does your husband not recognize that you have a full time job as well, even if it is working out of the house, it's still work and it still has to get done.

Men make me so crazy.....

I'm sorry you are going thru this. But I would hope that there are other things happening that would also contribute to him possibly wanting to divorce and not just the cleanliness of the house......there are housecleaners that would solve this problem in an hour a week if that were the case.

and if this IS the only thing that is wrong, I would really think about why you want to be with someone who could leave so easily because some clothes weren't put away and better yet, who wouldn't put them away himself.

My two cents......but seriously, kids = messy house.....untill they can start really being responsible for themselves.....we are doomed to live in mess I think.

good luck
K.

It sounds as if you are trying real hard to do it all yourself. Perhaps everyone in the family could pitch in to help keep the house clean since you are helping supplement the family income. Your seven year old can keep his/her room clean, help set clear dinner table, etc. The 5 year old can take on smaller resposibilities as well such as pick up toys, etc. And your husband should also be helping out in some way, as you are both providing income for the family. Something sounds wrong about him threatening you over an unclean house...

K. - why can't your husband help out? Your two oldest kids can also help with chores. You are a SAHM not a slave. It seems to me that this issue is a lot more about you feeling insecure than a messy house...I feel for you, it's not right for your husband to threaten these things. This respect problem is what needs to be tackled, the house can wait! I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just saying that I think you don't need to be made to feel bad when you are obviously giving it your all. All I know is if my husband made those comments I'd hit him with the vacuum, tell him to help, or show him exactly where the door is!!

As a person with small children who don't have a natrual disposition to organization, I completely sympathize with your situation. I think often it's hard for spouses who work outside the home to realize the challenges of being home with very small children. If you need help with coming up with an organization system, especially if your marriage is at stake, it might be worth the few hundred bucks to have a professional organizer to come and help with setting up a system so that it's easier to figure out where everything needs to be. Then maybe your husband can help out by taking the kids out of the house for a couple hours on weekends so you can concentrate just on cleaning and organization during that time, on top of the daily maintenance. It's a challenge for me as well, but it helps to have the kids out with either husband or relatives to get the house in order. Good luck!

Hi K.-

Hire a housekeeper to come once a week. It's a small price to pay for peace (about $70 depending on the size of your house).

Hugs,
J.

You have a lot of excellent replies. I'll just add that getting a housecleaner to come every two weeks was the best anniversary gift my husband and I ever gave each other. Every two weeks we know that Rembert is coming and it cues us to do a quick run through the house to pick up the stuff, leaving surfaces available for cleaning. Then he comes and does his magic. Meanwhile my husband and I aren't arguing about what is "too dirty" when it comes to a toilet (for example).

I am now struggling to get my 6-yr-old daughter to do more of her share, but at least it doesn't all fall on me!

Unless you're joking somewhat here, your husband sounds like a real bastard.

I would counter the divorce threat with a brand new weekly maid service, on his dime. If he gripes about the expense, tell him it's MUCH less expensive than a divorce.

I've read several of the responses and I agree with them all. But what I'm really stuck on is what's going on with the way your husband is talking to you. He doesn't seem to be all on board with some part of this. Whether it be you staying home and not working "as hard" as he does, having kids, or whatever the case. I never ever want to be divorced again. I'm a single mom for many years though and really only want to be married again if he is an equal partner with me and loves me as I am. Kids change things. Some people are stuck in the fantasy of what "they" expected "you" to be. And that things will never change, like you had a contract to that affect when you got married. But life/marriage are full of ongoing changes. Tough times come up and I'd expect my spouse to work with me through these times. Definitely counseing. If he's not up for it, you go. Just don't let him tear you down emotionally. No matter how bad he makes you feel, us ladies, who have tried "doing it all", know just how hard you are working, even if the house is a mess. We have all gone through that when the kids are young. I have 8 y/o twins and a 23 y/o...and believe me, the time you have to spend with your kids and interact with them, is much more important than having a clean house! Isn't that why you wanted to stay home? I'm sure dad doesn't want to spend his whole time after work picking up a mess made during the day by himself either, but why not have you, hubby, the kids all make a game out of it or something. It's amazing how much my kids could even pick up at age 2&3 when I'd set an egg timer for 5 minutes and made a race out of it. They loved it. And it helped teach them early, that it's not just your job. That was a mistake I almost made with my oldest. Even raising him alone, one day at age 8 he said,"I'm so glad I'm not a girl so I don't have to do the cleaning!". I though, "Who is this child?" He was raised by me alone, so where did "that" idea come from? Well, that changed real quick when I realized my mistake. By the end of the week, he could vaccuum, mop, do dishes, laundry, and scrub a toilet! He tried that with his girlfriend too, lol, I told her he was perfectly trained at all those things...he giggled a guilty giggle and told me "thanks" lol But he has been wonderful, he does laundry, dishes, mows, etc. at their house. Be careful on what any boys you may have are picking up from their father. It's just natural for them to emmulate their dad. Gosh honey, best wishes. I'd trying counseling before it gets any more serious.

Hi K.. . .so, my house is not a pigsty. BUT, my husband and I have different standards. I work room-by-room. . .deep clean it, organize it, surface clean it. That's my idea of clean. His, is "out of sight, out of mind" and NO clutter to be seen! He doesn't care if it's shoved in drawer or closet, he just doesn't want to see it. But, he's never threatened divorce.

So, first. . .CLEANING. Some ideas: housekeeper is a great idea! Can you afford it? If not, are you connected with a church? My church family is wonderful! I have several college students who can come over and get "office" experience by helping me get organized (I tell them what to do, they do it) and/or our high school and junior high students come over as "mother's helpers" and we agree on a small amount for payment. Do you need help figuring out systems and organizations? I have to say, I am excellent at assisting and I am for hire. But, again, you may have other means of getting some of this done yourself.

Second, the HUSBAND. . .some honest conversation needs to happen. Is he resentful that you get to stay home? what are his primary expectations of you as a SAHM? Kids first, dinner second, laundry third, bills fourth, and so on. . .? What was his family home like growing up and how has that formed him? Does a messy house communicate disrespect to him? Respect for a man is HUGE. Are there other problems/issues? Does he think threatening "divorce" will force you into action?

There is a wonderful DVD series called "Love & Respect". It would be great for the 2 of you to go through it together. Also, there is a marriage conference next weekend in San Ramon that would be great for you and hubby to attend. http://www.familylife.com. I'll be attending! :0)

Hi K.
I am a stay at home mom of 4 for 14 years
yes My husband and I had this go on to I also run a child care out of the house work at school and volunteer at school and track coach.
he's thinkin your home all DAY LONG why isn't the house clean right well tell him to stay at home for a few days if possible and do everything you do and you leave the time he leaves and come home he comes home and roll play you act like him and he acts like you we did and it worked my house gets cleaned if I'm lucky 3days a week see guys don't really understand the depth of what we do and that's ok we don't understand what they do at work there both equally hard jobs just do your best I am thankful to know that your home with your children raising them GOOD JOB MOM keep up the wonderful work there happy healthy and have no care in the world because of you they know your there for them and that is worth more than a clean house the house isn't going any where but your children you have only for a short period of time
so do what and you can and go on your only one person
God Bless
Good Luck
D.
mom of 4

Sorry to hear of your troubles. You have plenty of reasons to keep you busy and 3 children can mess up a house in less than a hour, so it's understandable. You've received a lot of good cleaning tips from others so I won't add to them except to say that keeping a house clean or organized takes team effort and consistency. Everyone should be involved in some way, big or small. Your role as a SAHM is to be the home manager. It doesn't mean that you have to do all the work yourself, but your husband expects you to manage it during the day. An organized, clean place gives one a sense of order and calmness. A messy place is depressing. I can understand him wanting a clean house to come home to, but he shouldn't threaten divorce. Maybe he doesn't think you're taking him seriously. The two of you should have some long talks about expectations and roles and work out your differences. Does he understand your needs or frustrations with raising 3 kids and running your own business? Talking with a counselor or pastor could be very helpful in getting you both on the same page and working through underlying issues.

You mentioned that the extra job improves your family income. I suggest that if you need to find more time to clean and organize the house, then put the home-based business on the back burner until you get your house in order. Don't take on more until you can handle what you have. You said the business was for your sanity, but the messy house could mean divorce if your husband is serious and you can't work this out. A divorce or even continued arguments over this issue would definitely disrupt your peace and your children's future. Sometimes we can't do it all and that's ok. "Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife." Proverbs 17:1

You mentioned that you quit your FT job because you felt guilty and also feel very insecure about this messy house situation.

omg i am going through the same thing but probably worse. apparently i am very unorganized. i am a waitress who spends all day cleaning after people, wiping tables sweeping, and dealing with people all day! so when i get home i tend to leave all that at work. i don't want to do any of that when i get home. i clean just enough to keep him off my behind but it backfires when you open the cabinet at the end of the week and everything falls out, lol. he gets mad when i don't make a grocery list, but even if i do i forget it when i go to the store. my argument is, we are a couple your the neat one and i'm the fun one. why cant that work?! yes he threatens to leave me all the time. i just wish he would deal with me for who i am and quit trying to change it. besides life should be about what we want to do, who cares about dirty clothes in the corner on the chair we never sit in. when we need it i will wash it. but till then im going to go play ball with my son! It's summertime!

Updated

omg i am going through the same thing but probably worse. apparently i am very unorganized. i am a waitress who spends all day cleaning after people, wiping tables sweeping, and dealing with people all day! so when i get home i tend to leave all that at work. i don't want to do any of that when i get home. i clean just enough to keep him off my behind but it backfires when you open the cabinet at the end of the week and everything falls out, lol. he gets mad when i don't make a grocery list, but even if i do i forget it when i go to the store. my argument is, we are a couple your the neat one and i'm the fun one. why cant that work?! yes he threatens to leave me all the time. i just wish he would deal with me for who i am and quit trying to change it. besides life should be about what we want to do, who cares about dirty clothes in the corner on the chair we never sit in. when we need it i will wash it. but till then im going to go play ball with my son! It's summertime!

My neighbor and I each have 4 kids. It is hard to have the time to clean our houses the way we want to. So we just started swapping kids one day per week. She'll take mine for a couple hours while I clean my house, then I'll take hers while she cleans her house. And every night before I go to bed, I pick up all toys, open the mail, run the dishwasher, etc. It is so much easier if you keep it up on a daily basis. It is just a matter of getting into a routine. My house is pretty clean but my husband STILL complains that it is a mess! I think most men don't get it. They expect that the house will be the same as before you had kids. Good luck.

I must second the "Declutter declutter declutter!" answer from another responder. As a man, I would wager that when he says he wants it "clean", what's really making him mad is the clutter. Personally, I can live with the bathroom not being all polished and shiny or the floors vacuumed. But it's the piles of "stuff" everywhere that make the house unbearable. It's opening a cupboard or a closet to get something and having to wade through piles of other junk to get to it. It's coming into a room and having to clean up piles of mess that are in the way before I can do what I came in to do.

You may think this over simplifying, but just THROW STUFF OUT.
Do you have two of anything? (two cheese graters, two sleeping bags (for one person), two power drills?) Throw one out.

And when I say "throw it out", if you can drop it at Good Will, that's fine too. Just don't put it in a pile "for Aunt Millie who might want it." No No No. Then your house becomes a storage warehouse of junk you think somebody else might want. Forget it. Remember, every day that goes by is a day you never get back. Don't waste it, and ruin your home, organizing and storing junk for other people. THROW IT OUT.

Next: Every storage area, whether it be a closet, a shelf, a cabinet... if it's over 50% full, throw out stuff until it is only 50% full. Any storage area that is full to capacity is useless because you spend just as much time wading through it as you do getting what you need out of it.

Kids toys? They are EVERYWHERE, aren't they. Why? Because there are too many of them. If you can't go through their room or the playroom and just redeposit their toys back into bins, a shelf, their toybox, without shuffling, wading, restacking, and moving stuff around, that's because there is actually more stuff in that room than it can actually hold.

--------------
You must be ruthless. You must.
Once you have purged your house, you will be amazed at how much easier it is to keep it picked up and clean. It's like waving a magic wand.

K., I too have struggled with a dirt and clutter house. Your letter was a wake up call to me. I think God was trying to tell me to start doing something. This is what I did. First I wanted a plan that I could do and live with and was my own plan. So I walk around my house and wrote down what needed to be done. Then I made a plan that I would work at daily. I am taking one room at a time and throughly clean it. I took all the papers and cluter in one room and will work at it daily. I started with the kitchen today and clean the Refrigerator (a small start but a start) I will wipe it clean ever day and it will not be so hard to clean next time. I am also working in my Bedroom/Office as it is the most important room in the house. It is hard to sleep around clutter. As I get a restful sleep, I will fell better and be able to do the work. I will be praying for both of us as God helps us a we work our plan every day. I know you will be getting all kinds of advise. Get your own plan that you can work with and do every day. I have a suggestion that may help. Sat down with your husband when you are both relax and tell him how much you also would like a clean house. Show him your workable plan. Tell him it will take some time and that you will keep working at it until it is finish and then you will work every day to keep it up. Ask or his patients and cooperation. F. C

Hi K.. You are not alone. I think it could be a male think. Because my house is not the cleanest of all, though it is now, because husband helps out....he sees the LONG days I have with our own kids, plus I run a home daycare. What it is, from my experience, is that we as mothers tend to do things and run our house differently than our husbands do. i.e., snacks between meals, structured play, naps, etc. When my husband used to have a weekday off, and I was out working, he would give them breakfast, lunch, dinner. Difference between us, I gave nutritious snacks in between, the way he saw it...they had a good healthy appetite at meal time w/out the snacks-and he didn't take into account their small stomaches, thus they get hungry in between meals. Secondly, when my two older children were younger, I'd literally sit at the table w/ them until homework was done so that I was available for any questions. His way; sat them down for homework, got them started, and would then go do laundry and dishes, etc. and be available for them if they asked for his help. Then, theirs laundry, we do it differently. he sorts his clothes differently than I do, we fold/put away differently therefore everything we do is on a different time factor and therefore he never used to realize how much time I was spending w/ homework, chores, cooking, snacks, etc, etc. Now that he's been home on paid family leave, he sees how I operate and doesn't complain b/c w/ four kids, he knows it is usually going to be a day w/ SEVERAL interruptions, thus allowing me to start a task and not being able to finish it. But, like I said, because he helps, things are so much more effective and smoother. So, it sounds like your husband needs to help more. I used to sarcastly tell my husband, if you wanted someone to keep the house spotless, then, you should've thought about that before hand. Our house is not a MUSEUM, our kids are fed, clean clothes, clean and sanitized home w/ me running the childcare, he's not too ungrateful now. K., if your husband does already help, maybe you need to verbalize and tell him which areas you need help with. This has definitely helped us out! That's the only way, admit you need the help and don't be insecure about it. I think we tend to feel insecure b/c we put a huge expectation on our selves. I used to go nuts and it would tire me to have this to do list in my mind and then by the end of the day if ALL the stuff wasn't done, I would be so disappointed. you need to remember that, with kids, your day is unpredictable. Unexpected things come up. Though, it is good to have structure, no need to stick to it to the T, it can be off a little bit. give yourself a couple of tasks a day and maintain that through the week and you should be able to get through it! Good luck!