Help in Marion

First off, you're the mother. You don't just want to kick her out but it's OK for YOU to be kicked out? Make her sleep in her own bed...the first few days are gonna be tiresome and LOTS of getting up and putting her back in her bed, but if you keep giving in and letting her sleep with you, then she will know you always will. It will be SO much better for the whole family once everyone is in thier own beds!

Hi M.,
My name is S. and I'm from Delaware county. I have a 32m old son and he has always slept with me. A couple of times I got him to sleep in his own room because he fell asleep watching a video in his room. I have put him in a room with his older brother (10) per my older son's request. He starts out great but never wants to go to sleep at the same time my older son has to go to bed. I'm hoping that eventually he'll want to sleep in there all the time but right now he just starts out in there. I'm a SAHM so I feel I can just work with it this way. If it doesn't work out we will try one of these other posted ideas.

GL

Hi M.! Unfortunately, with her having the habit established of being with you all this time, this will be very painful to break. I did not let my daughter sleep with us, but we did unfortunately stay with her too long when putting her to bed. We literally put a gate up at her door and painfully let her cry it out. It took at least a week or so, but she finally realized that she needed to go to bed. When the crying got bad, I did go and comfort her to calm her down, but I was very firm in what was happening. She got over it and we didn't need the gate after that. Good luck!

I just read your request and knew I had to respond immediately before you got responses making negative comments about your daughter sleeping with you ... before actually giving you suggestions--but I can see I am too late! First, we've been there, done that ... with all 3 of our children. I actually met Dr. William Sears from California, bought his books and read A LOT on the family bed, night time parenting, etc. I think we first tried moving our daughter from our bed--after she was asleep--into her bed when she was around 20 months. Her "bed" was her crib which we lowered, took the side off and put up a guard rail. We also had a little Sesame Street stool and told her when she woke up she could get out by climbing down on it and come in our bed :) With each of our children we laid with them in "their" bed for a few minutes before they fell asleep during their nap time to help adjust from our bed to theirs. I agree with some of the other comments about shopping to have her pick out "her sheets". We also put a sleeping bag on the floor for her and my husband as they "camped out"! Your daughter is a little older so shopping should be fun!!! We had a king size bed and it was so adorable to hear our oldest talk about her little sister: "sissy can sleep right here" as she patted the pillow along with the rest of us! A general comment from me would be NOT to ask advice from people who haven't done the family bed as they don't understand why it is done; nor do they have the same special memories. Good luck

First of all, don't think of it as kicking her out, think of it as helping her gain some independence. I think you would have been better off starting her sleeping in her own room before the birth. You have bought yourself some sleepless nights with a new baby and trying to wean a toddler to her own bed. Do it now while she is still little. If you wait till she is older she will remember more anyway than now. I don't mean to sound rude, but you are the mother, you are in charge, not her. Your not sleeping with your husband because you are afraid your toddler will resent you? You are going to have some problems down the road. I loved sleeping with my kids too on occasion because they are so cuddly but you need some time for yourself and they need to learn to sleep alone. My neighbor let her kids sleep with her and they still do. They are 10 and 7! I have another friend that started out that way and now she has 3 and she sleeps with all 3 kids and her husband sleeps alone. They are having big time problems right now. She said the only reason she has 3 kids is because it only takes one time and she gets pregnant. Good luck to you.

Have you tried falling asleep with her in her bed? If that's not an option...move her once she's asleep! Normally, kids are like wet noodles once they're in that deep sleep. When she wakes up in her own room, she'll learn to realize that it's not so bad. Use a book on tape, music, etc. to keep her mind occupied on something other than not being next to mom & dad.

When my daughters were younger I would put a sleeping bag under my bed and if they came in late at night (they had to start out in their own room/bed) they could pull out the sleeping bag and make a place beside my bed on the floor. I would reach down and hold their hand, kinda of as a way to extend the bed, but mostly just for comfort. It was a compromise and eventually they preferred their own soft bed. Good Luck.

Hi! I am in the same situation, and this may not be the "answer" you are looking for, but I can tell you what is working for us right now! The difference is that I have been married for 11 years...so we are certainly no where close to newly weds! I am sleeping in our bed with my 2 1/2 year old and 7 week old. My husband is sleeping in my sons room on a matress on the floor! We figured out this arrangement when no one was getting any sleep for the first three weeks after our daughter was born! Everyone is finally getting the sleep they need, even though I am waking several (okay, sometimes 7-8) times per night nursing both of them! I think changing sleep arraganments at this point made it very difficult for our 2 1/2 year old to adjust to since there were already so many new things going on with the new baby and such. Some people will say my husband and I need to be sleeping in the same bed, but my husband can understand why I'm not with him at night...my young children can not understand this yet. Also, I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband works long hours so he is getting the rest he needs at night. So, while this is not a solution to your problem, I wanted to share what is working with us! Hope it helps in some way!

When we were in this situation, I'll be honest, we kind of tricked out daughter. I know that doesn't win my any cool mommy points, but the ends justified the means. We tried the big girl bed and she just wasn't havin' it. It was a beautiful canopy day bed with mary kate and ashley bedding. She SO did not care. So I made a deal with her. She had to lay in her bed and "watch a movie." If at the end of that movie she was still not asleep she could come find me and I would rock her or something. Then I found the longest movie imagineable. I recommend Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It actually is so long it has an intermission. Mary Poppins is another good one. My daughter loved Monsters, Inc. at the time so we could count on that to keep her in bed. Needless to say she never lasted until the end of the movie. Before you know it she was sound asleep. Then if she woke up in the night the movie was turned back on and the rules started all over again. It was much easier. She wasn't going to bed alone, she was "just watching a movie."

I recommend making sure you don't sleep with the new baby or your daughter. For one, if you boot her to her own room and let the baby sleep with you she will resent the baby. She is very young and will not understand your logic. Put the baby in a bassinet or something right next to your bed so he's close but not IN your bed and show her that its not just her that isn't sleeping with mommy but her new brother isnt either. I know you may have some anxiety about him not sleeping with you but it will only take a few days to get used and he'll be right next to you anyway. You can even push his bassinet up against your bed so you can put your hand on his chest/back while he sleeps. In the end its better for everyone because you won't be dealing with this same dilemma in two years with your son. If she doesn't feel like you're kicking her out of your room because of the new baby, I think things will go a little smoother. And then of course, I think you should let her be a part of choosing a couple things for her new sleeping area(bedding/pjs/nightlight). For the first little while, lay in her bed with her at bedtime and read a book then just lay with her and make her feel special with some quiet mommy time all to herself. If possible, have your husband take care of the baby for the whole time that you are doing this so that there are no interuptions. She will love this new bedtime routine because she gets mommy all to herself and it will eventually be something she looks forward to each day. Once she's asleep, sneak away, and if she wakes up in the night, take her back to her bed and lay down with her til she relaxes again.

I hope this helps and good luck.

Wow, 2 1/2 years she has been sleeping in your bed! You have your job cut out for you. I know that by now you know that was the worst thing you could do. It won't be easy. Try one night at a time and DO NOT LET THE 6 WEEK SLEEP IN THE BED
this will cause her to feel shut out. A wise word...to keep a happy marriage, dont let any one in your bed...including kids...roll up your sleves and get busy.

I am currently incurring this situation (vs. problem) as well, but with my 6 year old. When I first had my daughter, I soon became a single, full time student and mother, who found that night time was the greatest time to bond with my baby. I was single for the first year and 1/2 of her life, so this was ok. Eventually, I met someone, got married and just recently had another baby-a son. While my son does sleep in a crib in our room, we have been pushing my daughter to sleep in her own room. We have started a routine of bath time, reading time, and bedtime - I think she values it as "our" time. If I follow the routine, she will sleep in her room about 65% of the time. She does get up in the middle of the night and sometime get in bed with us.

As a full time mother, wife, employer, and student (now pursuing my MBA), I find it comforting & a great bonding experience to have my children in the room with me. While I do enjoy my daughter now sleeping in her own bed, I also enjoy her sleeping with me. I myself did this as a child. Once I hit 12, I didn't want much to do with my parents until I was about 20 - when I learned my parents were my best friends. Children grow up quick - value the time you have!

Everyone has different parenting techniques - do not let people tell you that you are wrong for letting your child sleep with you. We are not telling others they are wrong for not sleeping with their children.

Haven't read through all the other answers you've got on here but have you thought of putting a 'special big girl bed' in your room? Or maybe a love seat (should fit a 2 1/2yo to sleep on)? That way she isn't 'getting kicked out by baby' but you have more room in bed. Also I have no idea how you are nursing two at once o.O my daughter nursed till she was 34 months *I said 22 in an earlier post but that was wrong* and I loved every minute of it but two at once would have killed me (or I killed them lol). Maybe it is time to wean big sister as she gets a new bed and 'grows into a big girl'? Get her her own nightstand for a sippy cup or bottle (what ever she uses during the day) and put it by her new bed area? I hope this helps and I commend you're commitment to nursing you're children but also remember it doesn't help your children if you neglect your marriage in the process of taking care of them. A happy Mom and Dad will help them to be happy children.

S.

You could get a cosleeper for the baby that goes next to your bed or you could transition your daughter by putting a toddler bed in your room for awhile and then moving her into her own room once she's used to that. co-sleeping isn't so much about a lack of independance, but even as adults most of us like the comfort and sercurity of having a warm loving body next to us at night. at 2 1/2 she is still a baby, i'd let her stay as close as possible for as long as possible, or untill she's ready to go, you never know she might be more tahn happy to move to ehr own room wiht the right insentive. good luck.

First of all, don't let anyone tell you that letting your daughter sleep with you was the biggest mistake of your life, that is simply an oppinion. I have four kids and they all slept in our bed. My husband and I have a great relationship and we have been married for 11 years. There is more to being married than sex. (although that shouldn't be left out).I took my three year old son to the store and let him pick out his own bedding. He also loves to read, so I put a container of books next to his bed. At bedtime I got him excited about his new things in his own room and read him some stories. Then the lights would go out and I'd stay with him in his bed for a half hour till he fell asleep. In the morning I'd give him lots of hugs and tell him how special he is to me and how importaint he is to our family. He loves his own space. Once in a while he comes to mom and dads bed and we invite him in till he is asleep again and carry him back to his own bed. I found that the only time he comes to our bed is when he is cold or when he needs something. Sometimes he tells me he is scared. Most of the time however he stays in his own bed.

Hi M.;
I am a mom of 4. Our 3rd(daughter) just didn't want anything to do with her own bed. When our 4th came along, we just had her be the "footwarmer"(her special place) cuz we couldn't afford to get a bigger bed at the time. We just curled up a bit. It worked well until she finally graduated to her own bed. Just remember, they do slowly become more independant. She doesn't hardly want to snuggle sitting or laying down even in front of the tv now -- she is 13. I hope this helps some. Others may have some suggestions that will help her graduate now, but this was our solution as she didn't want to and I didn't want the resentment of the younger one or her feeling not as special etc. either. Good luck! L.

YES! attachment parenting is great. koodo's to you. we're in the same situation. i know my hubby wants me back in bed (per our dr's suggestion: i've coslept on the couch w/our son for 10 1/2 mnths now.) please let me know what you end up doing. now that they are older, they will remember everything. i like you, am scared that it'll do more harm to them then good. i wish you a lot of luck. and PS.. don't listem to half the comments on here, if you don't attachment parent then you don't understand.

Ok, I have come back to edit my response to begin with congratulations on choosing the family bed. Yes, it is trying sometimes, but totally worth it in the long run. To reiterate someone else, do no solicit advice from people who have not done a family bed, because they won't understand your position. Now on to my original message...

We had a similar situation my kids are 21 months apart and are now almost 2 and 3-1/2. Some possibilities to try: Have hubby sleep in her room with her, either in the bed or on the floor (preferably on a mattress for his comfort) beside the bed. Eventually, he can put her to sleep there then leave the room. If/When she gets up in the middle of the night, he can return to the mattress. She will probably be very sad, but he can reassure her that she is safe, etc. This may take a couple of weeks to transition through all the steps.

OR

Get a side car sleeper for the newborn. You can still get him out to nurse and slide him over when he's done. This is what we did--my son didn't actually want to be slid over into the sleeper, but I didn't have to worry about him falling off the bed. Then my daughter slept between us. Actually, she would start off in her toddler bed in her own room and come to our room in the middle of the night. (BTW, I am looking to sell our side car sleeper--if you are interested, you can send me a personal message)

You could also put a mattress or a "nest" down on the floor of your room for your daughter to sleep on. But frankly, that creates another step later to get her to her own room for the night.

Good luck,
Laura

I friend of mine suggested this before my children were born. Sometimes children my not want to sleep in their rooms because of nightmares, scared etc. Kids need to feel loved and secure. Keep an inflated air mattress under your bed. If they need to feel close to you let them know that they can sleep next to you on their own mattress but not in your bed. Its worked for me so far. I worked and nursed both my children. I would often bring the baby into bed to nurse, but could not comfortably sleep deeply with them in the bed. I would doze off and wake up and put the baby back into their cradle or crib. Once they started sleeping through the night I moved them to their own room. Good Luck.

M., I had the same problem when my kids were little. It took alot for me to get over the guilt of "kicking them out of my bed". I finally realized I would never get a goods night sleep unless I did. The first thing I did was lay in her bed with her till she went to sleep. Eventually she slept in her own bed alone and all ended up well. It might take some time but you can do it.

Personally, I think the "band-aid" approach is the best way. Pick a day on the calendar, take her shopping to get her own new big girl bed if she does not have one, some new sheets or a special pillow (she might really like a body pillow) and just do it.

The transitional approach just lends itself to too much drama.

On the day that was marked on the calendar, she goes into her own bed and her regular time. That night may be a long one, so be prepared. If she gets up, put her right back into her own bed - over and over and over. Its not up for discussion, there is no talking when you are putting her back to bed. Just be consistant.

What ever you do, do NOT give in and let her back into your bed. You just set yourself back another week!

Hi M.,

Have your trying adding a mattress or a small bed to your bed. She could sleep there and not feel like she is being kicked out and that way you don't have to sleep in the couch. If she has slept with you all this time I think the shift will have to be a gradual one. I believe we are social being and like being in contact with others, I also know we are all different and some children will love to be by themselves in their own room and others won't. Just follow her lead with much love and openess. Make the transition suitable for all.
Much luck
C.

Hi Megan, I know what you're going through. My son was 2 1/2 (now 4 1/2) when our daughter was born and had always slept in our bed. We bought him a double mattress and either my husband or I would stay with him until he fell asleep in it. The mattress was on the floor so he could climb out of bed in the middle of the night if he needed us. When he came into our room in the middle of the night, we would move his sister into her crib. My son thought having that big bed in his room was great and didn't resent his sister at all. It took a little bit of juggling but we made it work. Good luck!

What a great chance to teach your daughter that she is a big girl now! Make the switch a fun one! We took our daughter out and picked out the whole bed ensemble down to the cute little night light. She was so excited to sleep in her big girl bed the first night. Make sure the bed has a guard rail so she doesn’t fall out of bed. You can even buy portable ones that are great when you go to grandma’s house! My friend got a small fish tank for their daughter’s room and put the light on a timer. When the fishes woke up then their daughter could get out of bed! I almost wish I could do it all again. How cool is that?

You will need to make a rountine. We would start every night at the same time. We always started with a nice warm bath followed by p.j.s of course. Then we would find a special spot for our snack. It can be a special blanket or a corner with a bunch of pillows or under a table, anyplace fun. Have a nutritious snack without a lot of sugar while you read a chosen number of books. Our number was usually 3 until our girls started picking thicker books! Be sure and have a few fun songs in there too. Then brush her teeth and it is time to lay down. Everyone can give her hugs and kisses and then lay her down. She might cry after the new has worn off for a few nights. Leave the room and don't come back until 15 minutes is up. Go back in and without turning on the lights or touching her tell her to go to sleep and that you love her and will see her in the morning. I will warn you that it will be hard. It was easier for me if I gave myself 15 minutes to accomplish something around the house than if I stood by the door. Keep this up every 15 minutes. Eventually she will use up all her extra energy and will go to sleep. She might wake up in the night and you have to do it all again. After a few night it will get better. We made the same mistakes you did with our oldest daughter and my husband finally resorted to laying on the floor by her crib. Guess what happened when she woke in the night and Daddy wasn't there? Then we had to break her from that. It is a loving thing to teach your daughter how to be independant and go to sleep by herself. Soon she will be wanting to spend the night at some one's house! Stay strong and plan to start this when you have a few night free so you won't be exhausted in the morning.

When I ran into the issue of needing my daughter to sleep on her own, I got her a "big girl" bed. Hers were bunk beds, but maybe something as simple as a new "special" blanket or sheets would do the trick. Good Luck. ( :

M.,
I had this same problem with my daughter and the way I went about it was I first moved her to the couch, and then to her own room and bed. I made it into a teaching thing for her. I told her that she had to be able to teach her little brother how to sleep in his own room. So with moving her to the couch first, she was still close to our room, and sometimes would still want to get in bed with us, so I would take her back to the couch and lay down with her until she fell back to sleep. Once she was good on the couch, then we made her bedroom into a little princess room, and made it where she wanted to be in there. But we used the Big Sister thing. You have to teach your little brother how to be able to sleep in his own room soon. But if I was you, I would not have your son sleeping with you for very long or you will have the same problem with him. And I know this isnt what you want to hear, but it is not very safe having a baby sleep with you. I have a friend who lost her baby due to sleeping with her, her husband rolled over and his arm went acrossed her face and sufficated her. Keep his crib in your room for a while, but by 6-8 months you should move it to his room so he dont get attached to sleeping with you too. I had to learn the hard way too, but by my third child she slept in her crib from day one.
I hope all works out for you.

Whatever option you choose, make it a fun thing. Children at that age don't understand that Mama needs to be able to sleep in the bed with the little one. My daughter slept in a portable crib until a couple of months before our son was born. I think she was around 18 months old at that point. Then, we moved her into the big crib that we have in the living room (small apartment). It was a little tough at first, but she took to it after a day or two. I think what helped was that we were still in the room so she didn't feel so lonely.

Maybe, you could do a 'slumber party' in her room the first night. I agree with others saying to go shopping for the bed or whatnot together. If her room is already together, let her pick out a nightgown, stuffed animal, night light or something else like that. Then, let her pick out a snack to have with you (no sugar, of course, lol). If she has a TV in her room, put in a movie that the two of you can watch together. If not, come up with a game or two. Then, when it's time for bed, you can stay in the room with her and the next day, tell her that she is to sleep in her own room, but keep a sleeping bag or blankets in your room on the floor in case she needs you in the night.

A longer process would be to start her sleeping on blankets, a cot or something at the foot of your bed for a while. That will help her to transition to another sleeping area instead of right next to you or her daddy. Once she's comfortable with that, it should be easier to transition to her own room.

It will take time, so don't stress yourself if it doesn't go well at first. She's young and still needs you. Let her know that you are there and still love her. She isn't being punished by going to her own room.

Overall, make it FUN!!! :)

God bless,
A.

Your husband hasn't objected to the child still sleeping in his bed with you? I know this sounds harsh but really that is just foolish. I am ashamed of you both.

You are not kicking her out to make way for someone new, you are regaining your space, may well be regaining the special time you and your husband should be sharing with each other at the end of the day to keep your marriage strong, and teaching her to develope independence in at least one area.

Do not make the same mistake with the second child you have made with the first one!!!! I don't know if you intend to have the children share a room but I guess it is time to put her in her bed, the baby in it's bed in the same room with her, and for goodness sake get it back together for you and husband having your own room. She won't be alone and won't resent her brother because they are together in the same room and neither one is sharing your bed.

Don't let her fall asleep in your bed then move her to her own room and her own bed. Start out in her room with with her reading, singing, rocking her, but do it in her bed with her, if she gets up in the night and comes to your bed put her back in her own bed. This is going to take some time to establish with her. (My sister-in-law had the same problem with her son. She finally had to toughen up because my brother had had enough!!!! By that time my nephew was 5!!! He came to me for advise because frankly he was ready to file for a separation.) She will wake up and come back into your bed, just move her back to her own room and bed every time it happens. Your husband is going to have to help with this. She isn't wanting her own bed and room because she has never had to have it and she wants company. After all you and your husband share a room and don't have to sleep alone, why should she??? This is why I am suggesting you put her and the baby in the same room, different beds.

Tuck her in with warm things around her as she will miss the body heat, heating pads, hot water bottles, whatever. Play tapes or CD's of water falls, or waves, or breezes blowing, as this will be similiar to the breathing she hears at night. Stay in her room with her until she falls asleep, reading softly, tuck her in, put on the noise, and then leave the room.

It is going to take a while to break this habit, it's taken 2 1/2 years to develope it.

P. R

Hi M.,
Does your daughter have a crib, toddler bed, or regular bed? My suggestion would be to have her in a toddler ("big girl")bed, and take her to the store and let her pick out her own sheets, blanket, and a new pillow. Maybe even a special night-light. Maybe that would make her feel more "grown up", then use the fact that she is SUCH a big girl that she can sleep in her wonderful, snuggly big girl bed. And (I'm not sure if this is good advice or not, but it just occured to me) maybe after she falls asleep in your bed, carry her to hers and see if she'll sleep there, then give LOTS of praise in the morning for being such a good big girl. You may also want to consider not letting the baby get used to sleeping in your bed, so that you don't have to deal with the same situation again in a couple of years! (And don't forget, they say babies are safest sleeping in their crib with no pillows or stuffed animals to smother them). Good luck to you. It'll all work out. I often have to remind myself that "This too shall pass".

First off, good for you for attachment parenting! Those who are critical of your parenting choice must be perfect and have no problems with their own children - good for them. My opinion is that you have been doing the RIGHT thing with your daughter and with your new baby. Remember that they are only little once and it is not like they will still be sleeping with you when they go to college - enjoy this time because it passes too quickly. I would not kick your daughter out of bed just yet (unless you are all absolutely miserable). She doesn't seem ready and that is the key to a succcessful transition for everyone. I would recommend the sidecar - push the babies crib up against your own bed (this works best if the crib is against a wall and the bed is against the crib). This may not leave much space for your furniture. We started with a regular bed with our daughter and as she grew we needed more space so we used the sidecar approach - we had to move some furniture out of our small room to make the arrangement fit but we are so glad that we did it that way. You can put the new baby in the crib, you next to the crib so that you are right next to the infant, and your daughter between you and your husband. But, if you are ready for the transition, just take it slow and focus on the positives. Reward her anytime she naps or sleeps in her own bed (stickers, etc.). You don't want to be resentful of your daughter for the sleep problems either. Above all, follow your own maternel instinct. It will guide you on what is right for you, your daughter, baby, and entire family. I wish you the best of luck!