Help! I'm Turning into My Dad.

Parenting Tip

July 7, 2008

Connecting Emotionally

Making a heart connection with a child is a special part of parenting. One reason connecting emotionally is so important is that the heart is a person’s spiritual center; that’s why God chooses to live there. It’s also where parents can impact their kids spiritually. When you connect with your children on an emotional level, they’re more willing to listen to spiritual truth and less resistant to your leadership.

When we ask children to whom they talk when they’re upset, answers vary greatly. Some children talk to their friends, their parents, other family members, youth leaders, or teachers. And some children don’t feel comfortable talking about their problems with anyone.

Most children lack emotional coordination and are awkward about their feelings. It takes a patient parent to work with a child who’s inexperienced in the emotion department. These kids need a parent willing to draw them out and pursue greater understanding.

In 1 Peter 1:22, Peter tells believers how to have closer relationships, “Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.” That’s a helpful command for parents too. Moms and dads tend to want to keep things moving with the day organized and on track. Parents must continually evaluate their choices and decide what issues are most important in family life.

As you make those tough trade-offs, be careful not to minimize the value of time well spent on relationship with your kids. Connecting emotionally takes time, but the reward of closer family relationships is great.

To learn more about emotionally connecting with kids, consider the the book Parenting is Heart Work by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller RN BSN.

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Try these websites for some direction and check with your local library to see if you can check out the video "Magic 1-2-3"
http://www.parentmagic.com/

P.S. Choose your battles with your children. It works!

Food for thought:

12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Sometimes we carry hurts from our past and if you need to forgive your dad, then I pray you study on forgiveness. That way the debt will be cancelled and you will not pass it on. I only say this because you said, "what can I do to stop this transformation of my father." Praying all this gives you some guideness. Be Encouraged!

Wow. When I read your post, I thought I had written it! I am having the exact same issue with my 2 1/2 year old right now. I ask several times in a nice quiet tone and she ignores me. When I raise my voice, I get results. I hate it too and I haven't quite figured out what to do about it, so I have no advice, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone. I also have a 6 week old baby, so I think my lack of patience has to do with lack of sleep, but this has been going on for a couple of months now, so I need to nip it in the bud. I am looking forward to the responses you get and I will be praying for patience for both of us.

By the way, I have started just putting her in timeout if she doesn't want to listen. She is pushing the limits a lot because of the new baby, but I don't want her trying to get attention in negative ways, so I'm trying to spend as much one on one time with her as I can to help combat it. I really do wish you the best and if you do find something that works, please share it with me!

By the way...where did you move to? If you're in my area, we have a playgroup that meets just about every week that you're welcome to join. The moms have a great time chatting and letting the kids hang out. It is really nice to have that adult interaction, so if you're interested, let me know where you live!

It's sounds like you've trained your son to not listen to you until you lose your cool. 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 5th time he doesn't have to because there is no immediate consequence.

When you request something of your child, give it and him your full attention to see to it that you are complied with immediately. If not, then follow through (after the FIRST time) with a consequence (try to make it a natural consequence).

Oftentimes we don't realize that our threats of consequence or lack of immediate action cause us to actually train our children to not listen!

Anger is your issue, not your child's. By working with your child to teach him to comply before you get angry, you'll being doing both yourself and him a great service.

The only time (IMO) you should raise your voice is if the child is in serious danger and immediate "whoa" effect is necessary (walking into the street with a car coming).

Hey, I feel for you. Another respondent mentioned the Magic 1-2-3 video. Well, I have the book. I learned a lot and found the hardest part was the need to keep my own emotions out of the equation. Good luck on that.

Recently, I had a meeting with a Family Counselor for those with Autistic kids and my son asked me to go to the store and buy him some cookies. (I wouldn't usually jump up and do such a thing.) I didn't feel well and told him that I couldn't help him out right away. I suggested that he ask his dad (in about an hour) when Dad got home. My son suddenly said "okay." and left me alone. The counselor looked astounded and said "do you realize what you just did? You were able to tell him 'no' without actually saying the word 'no'!" I think that is one tip that might help you.

The only other tip is something I have started doing recently. The son I mentioned above has two older brothers and raising three boys (plus the kid-at-heart husband I have!) can be difficult or should I say loud, noisy, and hectic, to say the least. I noticed that I have begun yelling and realized it starts when the kids are doing something dangerous and I have started apologizing for yelling at my kids saying that I yell when I'm really scared. I feel reassured that the kids hear it from me, that I wish I hadn't yelled. I am also reminded that I'm human too.

Again, good luck.

I have a 3 and a half year old son and I was doing the exact same thing!! I kept exploding like a volcano, I would ask and ask and ask so nicely and he wouldn't do anything so I would raise my voice and he would jump to it...but I felt like a heel for screaming at him.

I checked out 7 books on discipline from the library from Supernanny to PhD's in child development...and the one I decided to try was 1-2-3 Magic...and it really really works and I never have to raise my voice!!! I love it...the hardest part is not saying too much to my son. He listens and follows directions and when he doesn't I don't have to raise my voice he knows the consequences.

I notice another mom on here already recommended it and I second her recommendation.

Sending you a great big hug!! {{{{{{hug}}}}}}

Hi L.-

I too find myself occasionally out of patience and raising my voice more than I ever thought I would need to and more than I would like. It's going to happen once in a while but here's a suggestion that might help at least minimize the number of times it happens.

When you yell, you are frustrated because they are not listening and you're basically trying to get their attention. What you need is another way to get their attention at that moment. Schools/daycares usually turn off the lights, ring a bell, blow a whistle etc. Try to think of something you would have handy at home with you when you need to get their attention and use that instead of yelling. The hard part is, you have to train them to stop what they are doing when they hear the bell/whistle/handsclapping etc and listen to you. Make it a game, tell them they must freeze when they hear the sound. You also will have to establish some type of consequences. Depending on what works best for your children you can either have positive reinforcement for when they do listen immediately or negative consequences for not listening or both.

One last suggestion, try to see if there is a pattern to your behavoir. Are you reaching the limits of your patience and is he become more frustrating at a certain time of day or during/after a certain activity? If so, see if you can try to schedule in a small break for yourself before this time of day or try to restructure that time so that it is less stressful for you.

Good Luck,
K.