HELP! I Want to Wring My Teens Neck...

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. You are doing the right thing - watching them and having rules and expecting responsibility. Obviously, the 16-yr-old wants to live with Dad because there are no rules and she could do whatever she wanted. And he wants to be popular because it puts him in a better light. If she did stay with him, and he cares enough about her to worry about what she is doing, then he will have a rude wake-up call. And he will probably want to send her back. She needs a wake-up call, though, most of all. Does she know how her life could be ruined? Does she know what drugs can do to you? Does she know that it might mess up her own children? Does she know how many boys that are on drugs don't really care about the girls they are with? Have you told her that you love her each time you remind her of her responsibilities? You might talk to her about what she would have to do if she were on her own - expenses, responsibilities, etc. If she wants independence, you need to let her know what it costs. Keep doing what you are doing. She will thank you in the future. And, as for the 13-yr-old, have her watch what happens to her sister. It will be an eye-opener either way. Good luck!

Sorry to hear how bad of a time you are having with your teenager. It sounds like she may need to go to counseling and get some help. A counseler will help you and her out a lot.

Teens today want it all and they don't want to hear the word no. They will push you until they get what they want. The first thing I would do is take away her cell phone and all privilages and ground her. Grounding means in my home -No TV, no Phone Calls "in or out of the house", can't go anywhere or do anything with anyone until I tell you can and no friends over at all and sit in there room and only come out to eat. I wouldn't care what she says or does Your the Boss not her and the sooner she realizes that the better. Tell her when she can treat people, you and her brothers and sisters with respect and others with respect, then she may earn back her priviales but not until then and if she still throws the fit make the grounding longer.

Also, the Schools are teaching the kids to turn in there parents if we hit them or do anything to them which I was outraged by when I found this out. You need to go through there school book bags stuff becasue the school sends home all sorts of stuff so they can turn in there parents. They also tell the kids not to tell you about this information.

She is also doing this for attention and basically she wants it her way and if you get in her way she is going to take you down. Maybe if she stayed with her father for awhile he will she this behavior and then back yo up.

She may need to go to military school or Catholic School and an all girl school. Something needs to change or she will amount to nothing when she gets out of school.

Good Luck,
D.

Dear C.,

Take it from someone who knows, let her go, before she ruins your younger daughter completely. I have been through it with my girls 19 and 13. I did not have the older one leave and she really was a negative influence on the 13 yr old. Now I am fighting with the 13 yr old with the same issues. While the older one is out of the house now, she still comes around and when she does it is pure hell with the younger one as she wants her sister to think she is cool. While your ex may not be the perfect person, legally in the state of Arizona, your child only needs to be 16 to choose where to live, as long as there is an alternative parent. I know what you are going through and believe me I feel your pain. The only thing you are going to do by making her stay is to ruin your younger child and make your older one hate you. I have to say the only thing that has gotten me through to this point is prayer. Whatever your decision, my heart and prayers go out to you. Good luck and God bless.

C.,

I just wanted to let you know that I - and I imagine many other women - are praying for strength for you, and holding a space for you and your family. This space is filled with love and energy as you move through this trying time in your family's life.
Also, I feel that you need to do what you can- however small-to take care of yourself. Your children need to see you being good to yourself. They will model that behavior. For your 16 yr old. Stick with your guns. Tough love. Meaning, continue to let her know you love her and will not give up on her, but until she can start showing responisiblity, being part of the family, doing better in school, etc she will have consequences to face. Make the consequences logical and natural according the the unwanted behavior. Let her and your other children know that with great freedom, comes great responsibility.
Along with setting firm boundaries for her and being firm on your expectations of her, I suggest really really listening to her. Without judgments, without wanting to fix her problem, but just really listening to her. It doesn't sound like whe is willing to talk to anyone in the family now, but perhaps you can just take baby steps with her. Maybe if she has a little bit of a say in her own "punishment" or consequence for not following a rule, she might be more apt to follow it? Make a new way of solving family problems. Next time, do this. Have you, your husband, and her sit down and discuss the situation. Have a stick or a small ball in the middle and whoever wants to talk has to hold the object and no one else can speak until that person has set the object down. Ask her how she thinks her behavior is affecting her and the family. Ask her what she thinks a solution should be. No judging, no telling her that the idea is stupid or won't work. Make sure that the solution, the consequence is fair and just. Ask her what she is going to do to NOT do the behavior again...at least what is she willing to do to have self control. Encourage her to really really think about how her behavior is really going to affect her life. Always always let her know that you love her, but not her behavior, you want to help her, but she has to be commited to wanting to be happy - no matter where she is. If she's not happy here, she isn't going to be happy in NM. Usually angry children are going through emotional pain, and many kids/teens dont' know how to deal with the pain...it turns to anger...anger turns to self destructive behavior. Do your children have insurance? Perhaps seeking a really good counselor might be what she needs to work through some of the feelings she is having. If she is unwilling to speak to you, maybe she will talk to a stranger. Sometimes we can't be everything to our kids.
Another thought is to praise her on ANY small effort you see. Make it sincere praise, but any effort or positive thing she does really needs to be recognized. We all get so buys disciplining our kids for unwanted behavior that we forget sometimes to recongize the positive things. But discipiline does not mean punish..it means to teach. And often we can teach them, by letting them teach themselves.
She hasn't stopped loving you...she is going through some emotional rollercoaster herself and needs you to stand firm and stand beside her so she can get back on track and start loving herself again.
In the meantime...do what ever you can to find balance in your own life. It is not easy if your rescources are low...new state, not alot of freinds yet, financially struggling. But it can be done. Ask for help...just as you did here. Stay calm and compassionate and loving, and if you find yourself being drained and about to explode...take a mommy's time out:) Remember you need to nourish your own spirit so you can take care of your children's spirit. Set boundaries with them. Expect respect...not demand respect....but show it to them, to yourself, and they will show it to you.
I wish you the best of luck and good energy for a healthy and happy family.

At 211 degrees, water is hot.
At 212 degrees, it boils.
And with boiling water, comes steam.
And steam can power a locomotive.

It only takes one extra degree between something that is very hot and something that can generate enough force to power a machine. It reminds us that seemingly small things can make tremendous difference. (Mac Anderson)

In peace,
A.
mom of 4, married 14 yrs. Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

C.!

If they want to "escape" to where they think the grass is greener on the other side then let them!!!! You are NOT giving them up or relieving yourself of your motherly duties by no means. They will either hate it there or appreciate you.

Your oldest is attempting to control you or make you miserable until you do. (let her do what she wants) I saw a Nanny911 episode & she was educating the mom that " You (mom) do not have to explain yourself or justify for your reasons. You are the adult & they the child.
IMHO~
They have that typical "outcast" symptoms of blended families. (My 14 y/o son is also)Thinks: not part of your "new family", they think the other children are spoiled or get more attention (hard for a kid to understand that since BOTH parents are in the home & that they are getting double the attention)all for your youngest child/s.
Another thought~ There dad probably feels guilty because of his prison time served & a lot of time loss. I am not saying bust out the tinyest violin playing for him or anything but just food for thought on his actions. He may possibly be influenced by your daughter to encourage the behavior. He wants to make up for the lossed time & be their friend & not the parent(aka the enemy)LOL
You really should look into "scared straight". Juvenile jail nicknamed "juvie" or "juvie jail" scares the hell out of them. They can go for almost any offense- skipping school,the experiementation with drugs (or alcohol) curfew etc. They do make them go to school & stay in a locked up tiny jail cell.
If you are not keen on them going to their fathers house- consider "Tough Love". A free counseling interaction to help you get the control back & your children to listen.
C.~ please- feel free to message me if you ever wanted to discuss anything further that I have mentioned above. I do encourage you to message me anytime for you to have some fellow support of needing to vent.
LOL =D

C., so sorry for all you are going through. A lot of what you are describing is teens being teens. I have found the more we give our kids the worse they act, and the more they expect. I feel this generation is very unappreciative, but my mom felt we were the same way. I think they will not appreciate all you do until they have kids of their own, or are out on their own trying to survive and pay the bills. I would do some serious praying for them, and I would get them into some counseling. That is the best suggestion I can offer. I think as mothers sometimes (I know I do hoover too much). I am trying to learn to let go more, trust more and let them tell me things, instead of drilling them (as they think I do).
Take heart the teenage years are not easy, they are trying to find themselves and their independence. I would do my best to get some counseling.

Take care, my prayers will be with your family.
K.

I cannot believe that you are getting so much advice on letting her go! She is still a child, no matter what she is doing. You are still her parent. I have not been in this situation, my daughter is 13 and does act up occasionally, but for the most part she behaves fairly well. Maybe the old "if she wants to go let her" has worked for some, but I personally feel that is a very irresponsible attitude toward your own child.
I have 3 children. I ALWAYS receive compliments on how well behaved my children are. These are my strategies if you or anyone else are interested.
1. We are Christian (Non-denominational) and that is the cornerstone of our family. This stems to my children. We pray together, read the bible together and go to church.
2. I put my children in sports all year. If I can keep them busy, they won't have time.
3. I set expectations, have consequences and FOLLOW through. I know with my own mother, when I was little, that was NEVER followed. I started when I was 14, ditching school and getting into trouble.
4. I talk to my children. I have bought several books that have really opened up the dialogue between myself and my daughter. At first she resisted, but I told her at least I am trying.
5. I hug her, kiss her, snuggle with her, do special things only for her and have secrets with her.

Like I said, I have not delt with this issue and my own children, but I am speaking from first hand experience as a teenager out of control. I wish my mom did all the things I mentioned above and I am making sure I do all those things for my daughter.

Don't give up on her. You are all she has in the world. No one will ever love her or care for her or be there for her like you will. I hope this helps. Let me know if you want to talk more. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Wow, I can relate. We have been in counseling for some time with my 16 year old. Although I have not experienced the same things I am starting to really understand the---Pray more, let them come to you instead of me going to him (very hard thing to do) and let them learn by consequences. I find it really hard to let him fall. The only advise I can give is--continue to document everything, stay consistant, pray alot, find a good church with a good youth pastor, know how to use myspace and watch their account (libraries teach class in it) and don't give up being a good mom. Use alot of I messages. I am in a communication class at church and I recommend the book, Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler. All we have is relationship and we don't want to defeat this--I know--I build up easy and tear it down just as easy.

This is a difficult time for both of you. Can you just start seeing her in a positive light, noticing all the positive things there are about her (and sometimes we have to dig really deep to see it)? Every time you look at her, look at her with true love, shower her with your positive thoughts, and recall that she is pure love? Anything negative she is doing because she is "acting out". I am not suggesting that there are no consequences for negative choices she makes, but it just seems to me that she needs to begin to feel positive about herself in order to make some positive choices. This is a difficult time for her and you. If you can find the good in it, see how hard it is for her, understand her and love her, I really believe both your lives will become easier. Her actions are NOT her. Love the child but hate the behavior. Go back to when she was an infant, if you need to, to recall the immense love you felt for her. Let that be your starting point and nurture that memory as you would a lost puppy or dying plant. Then transfer those happy memories to the present. This is not an easy thing to do, but I know that it will turn things around. If you have to, when you look at her, see her lovingly as the baby in your arms or the child at play at your feet. Peace to you.