Advice on How to Deal with Child Stealing

I agree with Jenna and some of the others. This sounds like Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder. If it is, then all of the punishment in the world will not stop the behavior because she is literally unable to stop it. I would get her evaluated by a Counselor or Psychologist. She may need medicine as well as behavior modification therapy. If she truly is unable to stop, then making her feel like she's just "bad" may do a lot of serious damage to her self-esteem. Whatever the reason for her behavior, it is a definite cry for help. I don't believe in "scared straight" programs either. I've seen them fail time and time again. Especially if an underlying mental disorder is the true reason for the behavior. Ideally you should get her evaluated by a mental health professional as quickly as possible.
Best wishes,
E.

Since that is the only thing she steals, it sounds more psychological than anything else. Maybe you should consult a psychologist who specializes in teens. You might try Dr. Ray Levy ###-###-####, who is on Dallas Parkway close to Trinity Mills. I think he deals more with oppositional behavior, but someone in his practice may be what you need.

I would get her into counseling to find out why she is stealing. If she does it again, I would make her take the phone back to the school.

Good luck!

Hi Dana,

I am going to go against much of the advice here, but I was a juvenile probation for years and worked with kids in Alternative School settings and I am not much of a believer in Scared Straight programs. For the most part they don't work, sort of like "Just Say No" programs. Kids just don't believe it can happen to them. The first thing that came to mind is she is seeking attention...positive or negative, she wants attention.

I would look for a really good counselor for her that would also do family therapy if necessary. What has changed in her life? Did this sort of behavior start when your 2 year old started getting more mobile? Does she have to watch her siblings a lot? Is she having to be more grown-up to help with her siblings? Did she have a major blow up with friends before this started? Did she break-up with a boyfriend? Is she drinking or using recreational drugs? Did something traumatic happen when she was younger and now she is acting out? These are the sort of issues I would explore with a professional.

You may want to contact a Juvenile Probation Department to see if they have some really good counselors they can refer you to. If they do, they are experienced in working with kids who may not be very forthcoming or honest. I know someone in Denton, but you don't say where you live. It may be worth it to investigate professional help before it gets to the point she is in the system.

Good luck and don't give up on her.
A.

Why are YOU taking the phones back up to the school and getting embarrassed? Shouldn't she be doing that?

It appears obvious to me that she wants attention. She's stealing something that people will NOTICE and be upset is gone, and she's letting people know that SHE has them.

Are your children from different fathers? Based on their ages, I'm guess that perhaps you were married to her father, got divorced, remarried (bringing a new man into "her" home) then you had babies with the new husband. She lost you and your full attention to the new husband and babies.

She's begging for your full attention.

Now what to do about it? I will have to let someone with more experience in this area to advise you, but hopefully knowing what is causing the problem is will help to figure out how to stop it.

you might want ot look into some kind of bootcamp. I know some other cities here in texas have one and i am sure there should be one in fort worth http://www.helpmyteen.com/index.html?kw=misc&src=ga&a... here is a website that might help you find one.

Hi,

Hang in there! This sounds hard. The one thing that jumped out at me when I read your email is that you are the one returning the phones and suffering the embarrassment. I think it would be more effective if it was your daughter who has to look the people in the eyes, apologize, and return the phones. You may need to be there to make sure she does it, but she needs to see and feel the consequences. You could also contact a jail/prison chaplain to "host" a little visit to a jail or prison to do your own version of a "scared straight" program that you mentioned in your email. Does your daughter have a cell phone? Maybe someone needs to "steal" her cell, so she experiences both sides of the consequences. How is that cell phone bill getting paid? You could "tie some consequences" to her cell phone. I'm sure there is some school counselor or someone connected with the juvenile system that could offer more help or at least more referrals. Bottomline, I don't think you should sheild her from any of the effects of her actions (which will be hard for you to watch as a mom). However, she needs to experience them to learn. I would check into counseling for her, too. I agree with the others that the stealing needs to be addressed in a counseling environment. It can be pricey, but so worth it. There are price discounts and other payment options too. This may sound extreme, but it would be even better if somehow your daughter could help pay for the counseling sessions like allowance or babysitting money, car savings account, or even college savings account, etc.(more consequences).

I wish I could offer more help. It is such a cliche to say, but my heart does go out to you.

Holly M.

I'm going to disagree with most people and say to me is sounds almost like OCD or kleptomania. There is always a chance that she really can't fight the impulse to take other peoples phones. The best way to figure this out is to talk to her and see what she has to say and to also get her into some kind of counseling. You may also want to speak to her Dr. and see if he/she had any suggestions. Good luck in whatever you decide to do!!!

ANy adiction is the symptom not the problem. So there is a underlying BIGGER problem somewhere. Theraphy sounds like a greta first step.

I am not sure where you live but Denton Co Sheriffs Dept has a scared straight program. cont Amanda Allen ###-###-####. If they arent close to you, contact your local Sheriff's Office and they may be able to help you.

Good luck!

I am a mother of 5 and grandmother of 12, two of which I am raising. It has been my experience that when a child developes a behavioral problem that seems unwarrented, they are seeking attention and do not care if it is good or bad attention, they just need your attention. There is an underlying problem that you need to find. You may not be able to uncover this problem, it may take seeking the assistance of a professional. Your teen will most likely fight this as most do becuase they think they are invinsible but you must do this. Once you discover the problem, then you can find the solution. Please do not think that punishment is your only solution, seek professional help for your child.

Your daughter should be the one to take the phone back to the person it was stolen from and apologize. This is naturally her responsibility and will discourage her more than anything else having to face the person she stole from. Also talk to her and ask her why she is stealing and although it seems obvious, explain to her that stealing is wrong. I hope this helps. I don't recommend the scared straight programs. I have heard that these programs have a very short-term effect. :)

Dana,
I am a mom of a 22 yr. old girl ;) and a 16.5 yr. old boy ;)
(they will always be our girls and boys) and the time in her life that you are in is both exciting and scarey. My first and best advice to anyone about these times in dealing with the issues (big and small) is first to REMEMBER what YOU felt like and went through at these times in your life. This will help you in giving some perspective of their feelings and how they see things. I think sometimes as adults we forget how it was to be in high school and jr. high and the issues that we delt with personally and socially, going back and getting into that head for a time can be very enlightening. Think of the things you did right and wrong and why you did them. Think of the things that you saw your friends and other school mates go thru and how their parents delt with it and how they reacted. Look at how your childs friends now act, their relationships with their parents etc. When I read what you wrote about your daughter I see that there could possibly be jealousy on her part... Are these kids her "friends" or just people she knows or perhaps even people she wants to be friends with but "doesn't fit in" for some reason... Does she have her own cell phone and if not is it an "issue" in the family? What may not seem a big deal to you can be a big deal to someone of her age. With a 2 yr. old and a 6 yr. old this can be I am sure a trying time for you and you can feel mighty streched. Take a deep breath and know that you will make it all of you. Sit down with her and a talk, and I don't mean a why did you do this I am mad at you talk. I mean a hey, what's going on with you talk how are you doing? How am I doing? Are we getting enough time? Go back in time with her about when you were her age and how the kids were and some things that you went through or perhaps something that a friend went through that you know that she could relate to. This will help her to see you not only as a "PARENT" sooo eww at that age but someone who just might understand or at least have a "CLUE" as to what's going on in her life. AND LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. Sometimes just having someone to talk to helps them figure things out on their own. We have to be parents and not our childrens friends but it is a very fine line....... She needs to know that you are there for her, that you can't fix everything but you might be able to help her figure it out. Perhaps in this you can get some insight as to what is really going on in her life and where this is coming from and work thru it. She has to know that there are certain things that are just not accecptable and won't be tolerated and stealing for whatever reason is one of them. It is time to start changing the relationship with your daughter to the one that I am pretty sure that you want to have when she is 22. She is making adult decisions and it's time to start talking to her and not at her. Does this mean that there aren't penalities for bad behavior NOWAY you are still her parent. Your not her friend but you have a child that is closer to adulthood than childhood so the approach and conversation has to change. Our kids are exposed to many things now that we weren't and we have to accept that and be ready for it. We can't keep them "little girls" it is a mean and cruel world out there sometimes and they have to be ready to take it on. Teach her now how to think things thru and to decide if what she see's or wants is really worth what she is doing or might do. Help her start learning how to make decisions. Expect wrong choices and mistakes big and small and make sure she knows you love her just the same and always will. Never confront her when you are angry, put yourself on a time out and cool off first, otherwise she will just be on the defensive and it will be nothing but a fight for sure. If it's boy issues if she has a good relationship with your husband perhaps she can talk with him or include him she he can help with "guy ways". Lastly tell her you love her every chance you get!!! I hope you find something here that will help, I truly do! Your not alone! **HUGS** to you!

Two things stand out to me. One, you used the word "obsessed." I don't know where you stand on religion, but demons can cause such obsession. Try this link: http://www.dianedew.com/lying.htm and this one: http://www.factnet.org/discus/messages/3/26460.html
Please read them both, because one condemns lying, and the other gives hope.

The second is that fear is not a good motivator, because it only works when that which we are afraid of is present. That's why fear and faith are incompatible.

Hope this helps!

Many county or city jails would probably love to give your daughter a tour. call or go to your local jail and talk to a supervisor there and see if you can arange a tour of the juvinille facility with your family. that may do the trick... who knows. she may also have a biochemical problem or a true impulse controll problem I would seek counseling before it develops into something worse.

Good luck

does she have anything like ADD or ADHD? - sometimes when my 12 year old knows the consequences he just feels like he can lie his way out of it.. his counselor says its the impulsiveness and the medicine helps with that too-
good luck
our prayers are with all of them that they grow up safely and with level heads:)

You may want to get her some help to talk to a therapist alone without her parents so she can express how she feels and talk to them about what is hurting her so much or what is not working for her to act out like she does. She may feel more comfortable with talking to anyone other than you. Just think of how you would feel as a teenager and your parents are on you about things that you are doing wrong and she may feel you don't understand her even though you try to. She is crying out and needs some help ASAP. As far as the stealing phones and money goes I would contact the local jail and see if you could bring her by for a visit so she can see where she would end up if she continues to take things from other people but not before talking to a therapist first.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!
This isn't something new. We went through some, not all, but some of what you are going through. I agree with Shelbie W. that counseling is absolutely necessary. If not for your daughter, it will help you and your family to cope. Our daughter was trouble from age 5. I won't take up space to list all she did, but let it suffice to say that when she turned us into Child Protective Services, and we were thoroughly investigated, it was listed as "Parent Abuse" and not child abuse!!! At the age of 18, she was diagnosed as a Borderline Personality Disorder, with OCD and Bulimia. I read the text book on it and it was like reading her whole life story. She's in her 40s now, a mother of 4 (two of which we reared) and married to a wonderful, patient man. We went through even more (this time with added drugs and alcohol) rearing her two children by her first and brief marriage. One is in a long-term program for drug use, and the other, well, we are in the process of weaning, trying to extracate ourselves from responsibility for a 21-year-old child! We've learned one important lesson. Let them run into the brick wall because pain is the only way they learn. Shielding your daughter from the consequences is the worst thing you can do. Giving her everything you never had is the second worst thing. Make her earn everything. She'll have no regard for the value of anything unless she learns to earn it. I'll pray for you, Dana. I know your pain. I've cried all night wondering where my daughter was when she ran away. Never stop loving her, but don't let her ruin your marriage and the lives of your younger children. GET COUNSELING!!!!

Does she have a phone of her own or did she prior to stealing and then loosing the privilege? I ask because yes all kids are doing it. I have a 15yr old son and he has unlimited texting but to me he earns it by doing his job, which is going to school, making good grades and not getting into trouble. I know that my niece at one time was stealing money, from fundraisers, her parents, lockers, whoever and when it finally came down to it she was stealing money because she wanted to buy her lunch like all her friends "be a big girl" and my brother-in-law would not let her. He had the money that wasn't the issue, it was more "because I said so" basically a power struggle, she was never allowed to make her own choices and be her own person and now that she's 18 and out of the house she's been drinking and got her first P.I. at a school function mind you and I believe it is because she was never allowed to make her own choices before. We all know that at some point we made bad choices but I want my child to make them now while he is with me so that I can teach him and help him to make better ones in the future, I want him to think before he acts, not only about himself but who he may affect. I wish you all the luck in the world. My kids are my life and I know you are hurting.

I agree with the idea of therapy as there probably is an underlying problem. I also agree with a visit to juvie the next time. I believe in my kids knowing I love them and will support them no matter what but I will not bail them out continually for poor behavior. You need to nip this now or juvie will not be a choice - it will be county jail.....good luck to you.......I really think something has caused this....have you asked her why and tried to make her tell you when you are not angry?

OK, I'm probably going against the grain on this one. It sounds to me like your daughter is suffering from some sort of mental disorder, which is manifesting itself in this cell phone theft fetish. You don't mention if she is stealing anything other than cell phones. If a kid is into stealing stuff, it's usually more random. It sounds as if she's trying to get caught and punished. I may be wrong, but it would be worth a few trips to a psychiatrist just to see what is going on. I don't know if a trip to juvie would really be a motivator for her. You can ask different people in the criminal justice system and most will likely tell you to try to keep her out of the "system" if you can, because once a person goes in, it's likely to be a downward spiral of return/release/return etc., plus most kids learn how to be even better criminals than they were on the outside. They don't call them "reform schools" anymore, they're called "detention centers." I think she's smart enough to know that's where she's headed, but perhaps she can't help herself, much like girls who "cut" or are extremely promiscuous, etc. I'll be praying for you and your daughter and I am sure with the right help, this situation can be healed.

If you have a friend that is in law enforcement with it be a police person or a lawyer maybe you could ask them to talk to her. Take her to see a juvenile center or a jail and then talk to her about the legal ramifications of her actions. I know that you have probably had some financial expenses with the situation, make her pay you back for any thing that you have had to pay for. I know that sounds a bit harsh to make her reimburse you for costs relating to her stealing but I think that might help her to think twice about doing it. Make her responsible. She is old enough to understand that you get in trouble for her actions b/c she is a minor so put the ball back in her court and make her pay you back with her allowance or by doing things around the house that you might have to pay for like lawn care, car washing, or house cleaning. I hope this helps!

This may seem a bit harsh, but I would send her right to juvie w/the police.......maybe you could call and speak w/the officer(s) that have come to your house and get them to do something for you! Maybe some type of counseling as well...she obviously knows it's wrong, but WHY is she doing it???

I use to work at Juvenile Court several years ago. I know there are several programs out there for kids. I don't remember the names of them now, I use to remember. I'm having a senior moment...

Anyway, my advice is to call Juvenile Probation and talk to one of the Probation Officers and see what they would recommend. A lot of the programs the kids that have been charged with a crime are ordered by the court to go thru various programs. I'm not sure, by maybe one of the Probation Officers could recommmend some things for you to try and maybe there is a program that is a voluntary type thing, where you don't have to be ordered by a Judge to attend type of thing. Maybe they can advise of other things to do at home. They may be able to help you and get you a tour of the Juvenile Detention Center. Maybe a tour of the Detention Center would help your daughter and seeing the condtions there,etc...

We use Love and Logic, we are foster parents. I would check out their website and into their books, videos, etc... We've dealt with stealing with some of the kids too.

Does she have a cell phone of her own? What is most important to her, talking on the phone to her friends, going out with her friends, having her cell phone, hobbies,etc....? I would take away whatever you see her doing the most of, phone privileges, going out with friends and take away that for awhile. I know you said you have tried grounding and that doesn't work. Does she do any type of chores? Have her do some things in the yard, yard work or things like that.

Another resource of help is to talk to her teachers and school counselor. Our agency with All Church Home deal with a lot of troubled kids. You might want to talk with someone there, they may be able to advise on what to do. We do have trainings and you can call Cyndi McDonnough at ###-###-#### for various trainings on Parenting,etc...

Gotta go, good luck, C.

Does she have one of her own?

As a counselor (mostly with children and adolescents) I have 3 things to advise.
1)There is no way to diagnose your daughter's issues without a counselor or psychologist seeing her- and even then at this age, diagnosis with a disorder can be damaging- OCD, kleptomania, and all those other disorders listed are serious- it is most likely an adolescent phase. I disagree with all those moms on here who gave you diagnosis- unless you are trained in psycholgical diagniosis and testing- there is no way for you to dispense such advice (especially based on a short posting!) Just reading about it on the internet or having a friend have something like it- does not make up for years of training, education, and experience.
2) See a counselor, therapist, or psychologist- if you can get one who sub-specializes in children or adolescents- the better. Counselors who see adults can see teens- but my experience is- they don't always have a lot of success- teens and adults are differnt and not all counselors see that. Depending on where you live- I might have some referrals, or you can call up the major university's in the area and see if they have any references- there are tons of agencies in the metroplex specifically for teens and children. If you have insurance- ask the counselor specifically what thier experience is working with children/teens.
3)Scared straight programs don't work! It is why DARE failed and was taken out of schools. Just say No and scaring someone with consequences doesn't have a lasting impression. Coupled with counseling and other techniques it can be useful, but never alone.

My other suggestions would be: have you asked her what she gets out of stealing the phones, ask her what she thinks the consequences should be, and there are tons of others, but you really should see a counselor- even a family counselor could be beneficial.
I wish you luck.

I know this may seem harsh but it might actually work. Next time it happens tell the police to take her in to juvie. Let her spend a few nights in juvenile and I promise she will not wanna go back she will be calling you crying to come get her but you have to stick to your guns because no one wants to be in juvie or jail. My mom left me in juvie once for a entire week and I straightened up real quick and never wanted to see those four walls again. It might scare her straight like you are looking for. My kids are 2 and 9 so I havent been through the teenage thing before but I have definately been one before and this does work!!! Good luck to you...

Have you tried setting up sessions with her school counselor? Or if you belong to a church maybe having your youth pastor speak to her. I think she could use some type of counseling, and maybe there are some underlining issues that she does not feel she can open up to you, or she may not know what they are herself. She's so young and 14 is so pivotal. Help her before she ruins her high school career. I have a 14 year old son, and although I can't relate to this problem, I know that what they face in school today is nothing like we did in high school (I'm 38). Since this is an ongoing problem, I would advise some professional help.

I had a student once who I privetly refferred to as "sticky fingers". Granted she was a bit younger that your daughter, but going to counseling really helped her. I don't know the details of what happened in counseling, but it turned out that stealing was just a symptom of an entirely different situation she was unable to cope with. Sorry about my spelling, too tired to fix. I ended up having that student for 2 consecutive years and the 2nd year she never stole.