Help... I Am Ready to Wean but He's Not!

M.,
From a co-sleeping breastfeeding mama, let me encourage you to tackle each issue seperatly and not try to steam-roll all the changes into happening at once. If you do, you'll probably end up with a pre-toddler that shows more resistance to the process and frustration on your part and his part. Frankly, I started telling my boys if "Mr. Moon is awake, the milk is night night", within a couple of days they were ok with it, but I did keep some water by the bed if they were actually thirsty (which I discovered was often our situation). Secondly, during the day, I had a 'nursing station' or two. If I didn't sit down in one of those places and kept them busy they would often forget about the non-hunger, non-tired desire to nurse. One feed at a time is the easiest way to wean for you and for him, that way you aren't engorged and he doesn't feel rejected. I would stay away from pushing milk (cow, rice, or soy... especially soy if you do the research out there on boys and what the estrogen in soy can poss. do), people don't really need to milk, it is just a belief in the American culture. Now if he likes it, give it to him, but don't start subbing the desire to suck out for a bottle or you'll have one of those 'bottle toters' instead of a breastfeeder that you are trying to wean... and it won't be good for his teeth (and pre-teeth) with all that sugar on them. Most children don't loose the desire to such until closer to 3 or 4! A shock to most, but it does explain the lack of desire to wean at 12 mo or so, he's not a little monster :) If you desire to wean, do it gradually and gently so that it is a good process to both of you. Your choices in parenting (co-sleeping) can change, but don't have to if you are still enjoying that part of the child-rearing process. You might try the No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley if you find nap and night weening causes harder to manage sleep situations. She is a co-sleeping breastfeeding mom and the book is totally non-judgemental and easy to implement based on your preferences and desires. Also, when Dad is home, let him be a big distractor for you. Kids often like to nurse out of boredom, so Dad and outtings can be an easy change in the weaning process. Many prayers for a smooth process for you so you can continue to enjoy the parenting!!!

M.,

I totally understand where you are. I was ready to wean my daughter and she was not. I called my lactation consultant and she referred me to some books. One was Mothering Your Nursing Toddler. I thought - this is not helpful! I don't want to mother a nursing toddler, I want to WEAN!! Anyway, I read the books and they ended up helping me to readjust my attitude so I was more comfortable with a slower weaning process. I just hadn't realized that it is really arbirtary to wean at 1 year. The AAP standard is rather inadequate. Most babies benefit significantly by nursing until at least around 18 months. After that, it depends on the child. The WHO standard is to nurse for a minimum of 2 years, not 1. It is our society that makes it taboo. It is perfectly normal for the kids, and many mothers from other cultures, to nurse longer.

I still pursued weaning, I just did it more slowly. The more you force it, the more you might feel resistance in the chid. So, I opted for a slower weaning process. I eventually weaned my daughter at 2 1/2, and she still was not really ready to wean, but it wasn't as hard as it would have been at 18 months. My instincts told me she was still a baby at 1 year and not ready to wean at all. Philosophically, I support nursing for 3s and 4s, and sometimes even 5s. I just did not want to do that for personal reasons.

I know you want to wean right away, but if you don't want to just go cold turkey, you may need to readjust your attitude as I did to a slower weaning process. There is no magic trick to achieve it. I used my husband for bedtime routine, which helped him feel closer to her. I refrained from strict rules. I tried to avoid nursing during the day, but if she was really upset, I nursed her. The morning feeding was the last to go, since that was a special time. It is still a special time, with her crawling in bed with me and snuggling up. I eventually lied and told her there was no more milk. She turned away looking sad. I talked to her about her feelings and made her feel loved. I feel she accepted the process fairly well. Many would think nursing this long is crazy. I would have thought so too - until I faced the issue myself.

As an added note, I was not bitten by my daughter. This may be a problem you want to fix first, giving you time to wean more gently. Biting is a nursing problem, regardless of when you wean. All kids with teeth don't bite. Let him know this is not acceptable and you won't tolerate it. You also don't want him to get the message that you are weaning him because of biting. You are not. You are weaning because it is time to move on - it is not a penalty - you will replace nursing with other forms of bonding.

Weaning is a tough issue. No easy answers. I wish you the best, most expedient, least traumatic weaning process for you both. Good luck!

I TOTALLY agree with Stacy H. Tackle the sleeping issue, tackle the breastfeeding issue, but try not to lump them together too much, and create too much change for your little one at one time.

If you really are ready to wean then do it gradually. It is the healthiest and least traumatic for you and your baby. If you are just frustrated (and rightfully so!) from lack of sleep, and lack of personal time and space, then please feel free to send me a personal message, and I will be happy to offer support and advice for how to place some nursing boundaries, and make it a much more pleasurable experience for you. As far as the poster who said her pedi recommended no more nursing after one year, I will save the novel, but suffice it to say that I think he's wrong. 1 year is a wonderful goal, and it has been mine since the beginning, but if a mother and child desire to go longer than that, then that's icing on the cake! There are many benefits to nursing into the second year.

Regardless of what you decide to do, you have given your child a wonderful gift, and created a bond that can't be broken. You've done a wonderful thing by sticking it out this long, despite the struggles. You are a great mommy!

As for myself, my son will have his first birthday in 2 weeks, and my plan is to introduce whole milk so he will be willing to take that at daycare or when we're out, but I will still have the option of nursing when we're home (especially in the morning or at bed time). As far as whether or not they NEED milk, once they're eating a varied diet, they don't need it as much - just as long as they're eating a balanced diet. Even our old pedi (we just switched for other reasons)said that after she weaned at 14 months her daughter never really did take to milk - she just didn't like it - and that that's fine too.

Good luck with your decision, and feel free to send me a personal message if you need more support with whatever decision. I know it's a tough one to make.

If you WANT to wean - then it's mean not to. It creates resentment on your part every time you're made a human cow and it creates ambiguity for your baby because he doesn't understand that sometimes you will, sometimes you won't stuff.

Cabbage leaves, a monster bra, and a turtleneck tucked into your pants - day and night around him... it may take a few weeks, double it every time you give in and nurse - expect a riot every time he sees anything that reminds him of nursing (a necklace, you in a certain chair, cleavage).. don't give in or it will be worse the next time.

S.

You shouldn't feel guily for wanting to wean a 1 year old. And for the nursing in the middle of the night, he is using you for a pacifyer, not being hungry. He will cry at first , but just tell him gone gone, empty, and don't give in, he will soon take milk otherwise, and if he eats supper, and even a bedtime sippy cup, he won't be hungry, and if he wants something in the middle of the night try the pacifyer, if that doesn't work a few sips from a sippy cup. Be prepared for him to cry at first, but this isn't going to hurt him. I don't mean he is to start having the pacifyer all the time, just like in the middle of the night. You owe it to your husband and yourself. You'll both be better parents if you can get a full night sleep with each other.

Hello Mama,
I have six (yes, six) kids. They have all been breastfed and they have all slept in our bed when they were babies. They each nursed until they were about two, except my youngest daughter. She was 14 months when she self-weaned. If it is time for you to wean, it should be done gradually. I always cut the middle of the night one out first. That was my least favorite. I found a nice long nightgown that wasn't really conducive to nursing. I would tell them that this nightgown didn't nurse. After a couple of nights, it was OK. You can find distractions for the daytime nursings. I've already read some great advice from some of the other moms. You just cut one out at a time. Take it slow. It is better for you and for him. You might find after the least favorites are deleted that the others are not so bad.

I had a similar issue with my daughter when she was 13 months old. She was not interested in food or regular milk, but only wanted to nurse. I wanted to gradually wean her, but it didn't work for us. Instead we quit cold turkey. Within about 24 hours, she was eating table food really well (boy, was I surprised!) and drinking milk from a cup. It took weaning her completely (and I guess taking away her "preferred" option) to get her to eat. It was tough, but I knew it was time to stop. We were at 7 feedings a day, and it was very uncomfortable for me for about a week. But she did really well adjusting! She also starting sleeping through the night, which she hadn't done before. Best of luck to you!!

Remember, you are the adult. You have been more gracious than most to accomadate his nutrition and developed a great realationship, I am sure. He will be fine. He is not in charge, you are and it is ok. He is a separate little person who will be a "monster" if you let him and now is the time to stop nursing. You don't seem ambivilant about it and if you keep on nursing you will resent the time instead of enjoying it. Start in the daytime and then worry about the night. You have multiple issues to deal with there. When he naps don't nurse but have another activity he loves to substitute for the time/closeness. I read book after book after book and mine would want to nurse but I stuck to my guns and said no. I would read till he couldn't stay awake and kept on doing that everyday. It got easier. You don't have to take anything to "dry" up it will happen when he stops nursing. He will be fine, and you will find another way to keep close.

I would not cosleep anymore, or feed him in the middle of the night anymore. That will just make it harder for you to stop nursing. When I weaned my son when he was 11 1/2 mo., I tried going cold turkey, but it hurt me too much! So I started cutting out one feeding a day and replacing that with a bottle. Looking back I should have done a sippy cup, but it's too late for that! I did this once a week, until he was completely weaned in a month. I understand completely about wanting to wean. Good luck!

i would suggest that you not cosleep anymore. if you aren't there at night, then he can't demand it. don't let anyone make you feel guilty for what is right for you! i weaned at a year and the baby was fine!

My advice is to just do it! Cold turkey the child! He'll be upset for a little while, maybe a few weeks but this isnt going to hurt him not one bit in my opinion. It's not like he is going to need therapy because you wouldnt let him nurse till he was good and ready to stop. You have the bond, now it's time to show how this bond is supposed to work, you being momma and him being child. If he seems a little insecure, try a method that you know that helps him feel secure. It might be tough and maybe a little heart breaking but you have to show him where you stand.
I hope you find the best solution for your situation and I hope you have a great holiday!

J.

I think you are doing a great job to have breastfed your little one for one full year! Way to go!
I am in the process of starting to wean my little girl who is 10 months too. I want to be finihsed by the 1 year mark too. It has worked well for me to drop one feeding at a time and now I am down to 4/day. Good luck.
E.

First of all, you have given your child a gift (as well as yourself with the price of formula) and if you are ready for it to end, there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with that. My daughter ate every two hours like a clock for months and would never take a bottle, I was more than ready for the moment to pass when she reached a year.

I also agree, time to put the child in his own bed and you might search for threads on that, it will be a challenge, one you can manage in a few days but you will need to suck it up, it isn't going to be easy. That will make a huge difference because with you not there, if you let him keep a bottle of water in his crib, if he wakes up and wants a nip he will look for the bottle/sippy cup instead of you. You may even find that without the night feedings, you may not feel the need to go cold turkey with the weaning entirely.

Just see how things go and allow yourself the ability to stick with it or change your mind depending on what happens. With my boys, they naturally did more drinking from cups and the weaning was sort of normal given their activity level. At 12 months, your son will shortly find that he is busy and doesn't want to nurse, he can drink from the cups and keep playing.

I "weaned" my daughter by merely cutting out feedings. In your case, I would always push the sippy cups so that he is simply not that hungry when he does nurse and I would also put a time limit on feedings so that he is not sitting there playing around and apt to bite. You decide how long the feedings are and if he is not allowed to nurse indefinitely, it will be less a pain in the rear when he does nurse and he will likely seek it out less if it is all business, eat and you are done. Try to create non-nursing cuddle time so that he sees nursing as eating and not a snuggle moment. Again, this creates a new pattern that coupled with his greater activity level, should propel him naturally to wean himself.

You might try soy milk also, if he has any intolerance to milk products, that might help him to drink more because at his age, he should be on whole milk. Have you tried mixing whole and 2% to trick him a little bit? Only one of my kids bit me, one of the boys, and it only happened once because my reaction was a light finger thwack on his arm, and he never did it again. I suggest that you remove him immediately if he bites or if teeth become involved. Mine all had a full set of teeth befor they weaned and it was never a problem.

I weaned my daughter at a year, my middle son seemed to sort of naturally wean himself at that age, and my youngest nursed until he was two and again, sort of naturally weaned himself. I am sure I probably cut out a feeding here or there with the boys, it was just not as necessary to be "intentional" with it with the boys.

Hi M.,
I'm echoing Stacy's advice. Gradually weaning is best for you and for him - it allows him to gradually accept the change rather than wonder what in the heck happened to his normal life routine, and it allows your body to adjust rather than being engorged and having pain, leaking, etc. Start by cutting out the least 'favorite' nursing time - for most, this is the middle of the day. Usually the last to go are the bedtime nursing sessions. Co-sleeping is a separate thing from nursing, although he probably does nurse more because of co-sleeping. I wouldn't change both things at the same time. I think that by gradually cutting out some feedings, he should be able to completely wean in one to two months, with no feelings of rejection.
My one year old daughter co-sleeps and nurses - I don't think it's 'time' to end the co-sleeping if it's what works for the family, and if you are getting more sleep that way! The 'time' to end it is not an exact age.
There are books available to read with information on weaning and gradual weaning - email me if you need the titles!
Hope that helps:-)

I had the same problem. I needed to go back to work and all he wanted to do was wake up at night to nurse. I did the following. I stopped cold turkey. he was well fed before bed, then when he got up at night, I gave him water only and in a sippy cup. Of course he did not want it and so cried and pulled. I then just put him back in his bed. He was frustrated and angry and it was hard for the first 2 nights. when he realized i was not letting go, then he did not bother waking up at night. it took me 3 days and all was fine.
try it if you have the guts. it works.

Goodluck

Dear M.:

I had it a little easier when I weaned my daughter; she was losing interest. I weaned my daughter at the same age. What worked well for us, although I didn't plan it, was my being gone most of the weekend. I was working just weekends and got very busy that particular weekend. She nursed on Friday, pretty much spent the weekend with daddy and had completely lost interest by the time Monday rolled around.

As for co-sleeping, I agree with some other advice you got, getting your son to understand no milk at night. My daughter's favorite nursing time was 10:00 in the morning, so doing something else with her at that time, keeping her busy also helped.

You've chosen a good time to wean; don't feel guilty about it. My pediatrician recommended no more nursing, binkies or bottles at 1 year.

L. F., mom to a brand-new teenager (13-year-old daughter)