Help! - How to Potty Train a Toddler Who Refuses to Potty Train?

I had a friend who's son DID NOT want to be trained. Finally they bought a toy he really, really wanted (a lightsaber from Star Wars) and put it above the door in the bathroom. He could only have it when he had gone a whole week without accidents. He really wanted that toy. It only took him a couple of weeks to earn it and he's never looked back, potty training wise.

take him to pick out undies, a toilet seat, soap, stool, all that stuff, AND if he is not yet in a big bed (twin or larger) for xmas take him it pick out a new bed and bed sheets OR if he already has a big bed, tell him after he is potty trained he can go and pick out new sheets (sheets comforter all that and maybe decals for the walls) since he is a big boy if you can afford it, if he is in a toddler bed put him back in a crib until he is potty trained

Most of the time I would say wait until he's ready. This time I'm going to say, he's told you why...so treat him like a baby. Tell him you wish you could take him to such and such a place but only big boys can go there. Or how big boys go to school and get to do fun things but babies have to say home and take more naps instead. Make being a 'big boy' a big thing. If he claims that he's a big boy, say, 'well, big boys use underwear and go potty in the toilet. they don't wear baby diapers.' and see how it goes from there. Good luck!

Oh, he's a clever little booger. I think it may be time to give him a more adult choice. Set him in his undies and start making him hand wash out any accidents. I think he may need to realize that this isn't a game and that it's no fun having to clean up all the time.

Might also be time to remind him exactly how babies are treated. My daughter tried about a month ago in light of the new baby in bound. So we made a day that she was the baby, I took all her "dangerous" toys away, laid out a blanket that she had to lay on her tummy and not move from. She then got milk, milk and more milk for lunch and the radio turned on (no TV for babies). She got real bored real fast.

Just an idea.

I think I'm with Dana T on this one. He SAYS he likes being a baby, so let him "be a baby"... no toys that aren't for babies. No TV. No getting to walk around when you go out (he MUST be in a stroller, carried or strapped in some sort of seat at all times--walking is for older kids).
Heck, if you wanted to go hard core on him, you could even buy some baby food, or maybe just puree all his food in a blender and give it to him that way. No more goldfish crackers, etc. All pureed foods and milk, only. :)

Let him see that there really ARE advantages to being "older".

You also could try a reverse deal on him with the diaper. He LIKES wearing a diaper, he says. Ok. Give him one. A (as in single) diaper. When he messes it up, it gets thrown away. He won't get another, so he needs to take care of THAT one. Be sure he understands that at the start.

I am sorry, I know it is not PC, but I am just not a believer in letting them get away with that sort of thing, without a reason. If he doesn't feel the urge or can't connect the feeling with the act, then that is one thing, and it should be addressed. With a medical professional if need be. Most kids DO get the connection by his age. And if he is just being willful and defiant about it that is something else.
I know, I know, no kid goes off to college still in diapers. They'll all get it when they are ready. I know. But I just don't buy it when the child is able to verbalize that he LIKES wearing a diaper and WANTS to be a baby and understands the connection between the urges/feelings and peeing/pooping. It's just being defiant, in my mind. So I say use reverse psychology on him and show him ALL the joys of babyhood once again.
Perhaps he will become 'ready' just a bit sooner, rather than later...

My sis had one son pull something similar like this. So I gave her some advise and it worked. First she got all the diapers out of her house. No more. He can't go back to diapers if there are non. Stick with it! Don't back down! It might take him weeks even months to get it all the way but you can't give up on him. Keep doing the "go every 20 min or so" or at least ask him to go every 20 min and then if he doesn't need to go tell him "okay" only make him go if it's been an hour. He is 4 so he probably has pretty good control on holding it when he wants to. The minute he does have an accident have HIM change and clean himself up. Take him to the bathroom and have him rinse out his undies (even if it's just pee) take the undies to the laundry room, then have him wipe himself with a wet wipe and wash his hands. He's not going to want to keep doing this every time he pees or even poops. He probably doesn't mind sitting in it because he can keep playing or whatever, but having to stop and clean it all up will take longer and he will learn he doesn't want to have to do this. Also what about a sticker chart? So everyday he doesn't have an accident he gets a sticker. Then at the end of the week, if he's had no accidents he gets a good treat like, go to the movie theater, or Chucky Cheese, take a friend to the pool etc. Something that he would really like to do.

The first question to my mind would be: Do you think he *knows* when he needs to go? If he doesn't have that connection to the physical cues which signal a need to use the toilet, there, it would be worth a trip the pediatrician.

Has there been any significant change in your life? New daycare, a move to a new house, new caregivers or a new baby? Sometimes huge transitions can cause a desire to act 'little'. If there's a new sibling, our kiddos can perceive diapering as tender, caregiving act and want that for themselves.

If you think he's really meeting the usual markers for readiness (can sense when he needs to 'go', can dress self/pull pants up and down, can tell an adult when he needs to go, isn't afraid of the toilet).... you have some options. You could let him wear the diapers and take any hint of power struggle out of it. At some point soon, he's going to realize that most of his friends are wearing underpants; whether he decides to then use the toilet upon that understanding or when his friends point it out, you could let that be up to him. This might work well if you think he's being his own worst enemy on this.

Here's the infuriating this about kids learning to use the toilet: they won't 'get it' until they get it. I asked a question on this site a while ago--What was the most helpful/least helpful advice about potty training, and this was it: they will do it when they're ready. I found that when my son wasn't ready, backing off for a couple months worked really well. It gave him some time to accept what was going to happen, to pay attention to his body, and when I did try it again with underwear a couple months later, it took us only a week before he was mostly dry most days. He was 3 years 4 months when it happened-- but when it did, it wasn't a lot of fuss and work. He was ready.

The Chinese potty train their children when they are able to hold up their own heads! They put their children in pants with split bottoms and they whistle or play a bell and the child learns to go then. They just hold the babies over a hole and play the bell (or whistle). So there' s not really a reason that OUR children can't learn to be potty trained except that it's not in our culture to do it that way.

I would get rid of the diapers. Then I would put him in underwear with a plastic diaper cover over it. As soon as he goes in his pants, he has to STOP what he's doing and wash out his own underwear. Don't make a big deal out of it either way, don't be "disappointed" and don't say anything negative. Just be matter-of-fact.

Don't offer huge rewards or punishments--I would just treat it as "this is what we're doing."

Putting attention on it is making him focus on it. I would let "natural consequences" happen, which is he has to STOP what he's doing and handle it. He won't want to stay in diapers anymore if it keeps interrupting his schedule.

You could also increase the frequency of taking him to the potty to every 15 minutes when he's playing. Set a timer so he can hear it.

What you want is for HIM to make the decision to be potty trained.

My daughter has always resisted doing certain things, and of course there is NOTHING you can do to make her "want" to do it. So I've always stopped trying to make her do it (that includes offering rewards as well as punishments). Rewards are the "carrot" and punishments are the "stick" and she seems to resist either one. So I just remove BOTH and I let natural consequences take their course. I make it incredibly annoying for her not to do the thing I want, but at the same time I make no negative comments. Works every time!

Good luck!

how did I know this was a boy you're talking about! My son at 3 yrs, 5 months had absolutely no interest in using the potty - but Dr. Phil had a episode and my mom called me at work to beg me to get home in time to see it (she didn't have a DVR). It worked like magic.
1 - positive reinforcement only
2 - be home fore 3 days, no plans, no playdates, just calm time at home
3 - set expectations: "Bobby, guess what? youa re going to beign using the potty this weekend and once you've been able to use the potty all day we re going to have a party. I can't wait. I know you are so ready and you're going to do this big-boy thing. I can't wait to see you in underwear. Let's go to the store this afternoon and get ready for it! Go and offer him two or three choices of underpants. As the afternoon goes by tell him that starting tomorrow morning you're going to be using the potty. I can't wait to give you special stuff when you use the bathroom - and I can't wait to have a party. Whop should we invite? Grandma & grandpa? How about _____(best friend, cousin, favorite aunt)? Tell him about each time he uses the potty there will be a little celebration.
4 - Dont mention one negative thing. Nothing like "I hope you can do it" or "if you have an accident we'll clean it up". When there is an accident it's no big deal, no negatives at all - very mattter of factly, simply cleanup and change clothes. No "bad boy", no "I'm so disappointed in you". When the accident comes it's just a gentle and kind clean up, toussle his hair.
5 - when there's a successful potty use there's a celebration. Confetti, a few m&m's (or other favorite candy) a nice loud and enthusiastic "woo Hoo! I am so proud of you! I KNEW you could do it. Holy cow - that is jsut awesome!" Every successful use of the potty is a small celebration.
6 - After the first day of mostly good potty uses you "call" his "favorite hero" (my son was a huge fan of rescue heros so we called Billy Blazes) who will talk on the phone to your son and congratulate him - tell him all the wonderful things you just did. "I heard you have been using the poty all day. That is sooo cool. Woohoo! How great, that's awesome! you are really growing up into a big guy, huh?"
7 - Continue the same thing. Make it easy for him to succeed (which is why you stay home for a few days straight) ALways the confetti and mini-celelbration for each victory and no-big-deal clean up kindly for accidents. At the end of the second day you have a small party just your family, maybe a best friend playmate from next door. A few cookies or mayb soda - seomthing that otherwise never allowed. this is special. Get ready for the 3rd day party. Talk it up, begin planning with your son. Bake cupcakes together, whatever disgusting color he wants, get soem chips, and use a few candles. A birthday party & cake is the ultimate for pre-schoolers. YOu can sing "for he's a jolly good fellow" or even happy irthday if he really likes that - who cares? he's using the bathroom!
On day 3 after 3 days of using the bathroom have a party. Grandma & grandpa can bring a gift if they want to, aunt kathy, cousing Sam, invite them all and have fun - after all, you don't have to change diapers any more!

I hope it works for you - it was amazing for my son and i think he migh have had 1 or 2 accidents after that weekend and that was it!!! (we had a 3 day weekend coming up and it was perfect.)
Good luck mama!

There's actually a lot of humor in this situation, and you can use that. "You like being a baby? Guess what? You're now a baby! Tomorrow I'll dress you, and you'll eat baby food, and you'll be with ME all day long because that's what babies do. Oh - look at the clock - it's time for babies to be in bed..."

Follow through on this! Your smart son will see through any shilly-shallying on your part. Feed him baby food with him buckled in a high chair and with you holding the spoon. Have him drink from a bottle. Put him down for a morning nap. Carry him or push him in a stroller - don't let him walk. Don't let him make any decisions.

This is NOT punishment, so check your attitude. You're giving your son something he wants; this is a mama-baby day. Be friendly, firm, and a little funny. Don't try to reason with him or "teach him a lesson." Don't say anything more about school next year, and don't talk about it to anyone else when he's around.

After the novelty wears off, he will surely get bored with the baby treatment (it might take from a couple of hours to a couple of days!), and then it's, "Well, then, you're making the switch from baby to big boy. There's no in between. The diapers are a thing of the past."

Your son's saying, "I don't care" (like Pierre in the old Sendak rhyme) is your lead here. I have a feeling he might really be saying, "I am a little scared of what being a big boy may bring - school and all that - so I think I'll hold onto what I have." And he's getting a lot of mileage out of this situation, isn't he?

I just noticed that a couple of other posters suggested this same sort of thing. So I'm not being original after all. :^)

(By the way, everybody likes to be "babied" sometimes... and I have a photo of all my children the day they ALL decided to be babies and wanted to drink out of bottles. The oldest was six or seven. That lasted a whole afternoon.)

Love Mary Ls suggestion. For my grandson this is what I did. I started taking his little brother to a mommy n me gym class. I showed him the gym and asked if he would like to go. So (with a heads up to the gals at front desk) we said we wanted to sign him up. They asked him if he was still in diapers. He said yes. They said sorry come back when he was out of diapers. That afternoon he took off diaper. Three days later I signed him up. That was that. Trained!! He was 3 1/2. He was ready just needed something to aim for. Good luck.

I would give the whole potty training thing a break for a bit. You need to let it go for a little while and then start over in a few weeks or so. I think sometimes we get so focused and it becomes a power struggle which is not good.

I like the 3-Day Potty Training Guide a lot. Look it up online. It's a great resource.

the ladies have offered some good advice. i just wanted to say my son was a late trainer too (and didn't pt at night until past his 5th birthday). may is a long way off. like...almost a year :) try to be patient and keep trying. take a break for awhile if you think he's not ready. sounds to me like he's not but what do i know. honestly we waited until my son was truly ready (after several false starts) and when he was, it was simple. because he was ready. we would try, have nothing but disappointment, then leave it for a few weeks. eventually it was a breeze.

My guy had to be completely trained for preschool which he starts in a month, so i know what you mean, I trained him by 27 months a year ago because I didn't want him to miss out on school either. Some children don't respond to rewards, for them the reward is being potty trained, my guy was that way...M&M's, reward stickers and sticker books, charts, little toys, nothing. Here's a site to help you along:
http://www.rogerknapp.com/medical/pottytrainingrefusals.htm

He's an expert in this field, I hope you find something here that works!

http://askdrsears.com/topics/child-rearing-and-developmen...

A reward system is what we had to do for my son, who also was an older potty trainer.

you need to BACK OFF... you have almost a FULL YEAR to get this done by your school's deadline, my technique with potty training all three of my kids was to try every 3 or 4 months after they were 2.5 years old. i refuse to battle a child on things i can't win - i cannot physically force a child to eat/drink/eliminate. i also refuse to clean up urine/feces for months on end, which is what ALL of my friends that forced potty training or bragged about potty training early did. i have NEVER cleaned an accident. why? because my kids were READY. coincidentally, my last one potty trained today... she is 3 years old. we've tried twice before for about an hour each time, it doesn't take long to realize that they're not "into it", and i put the potty away. for her, she's been watching the olympics, and is VERY fascinated by the gymnastics, i told her she could take lessons as soon as she's potty trained, she woke up this morning, asked for panties, and has peed 5 times and pooped 1 time in the potty - this is how my other kids were, she's done, diapers are over - she gets it and wants to do it. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo easy that way. it may not be today or tomorrow, but soon, he'll want to do it(barring medical/mental problems that is). my 3yo is also VERY into being a "baby", she actually still claims to be 2, she has no interest in being a "big girl", so i'm being very cautious not to praise her with that today - but she IS very proud of herself. it will happen for you soon, if he's not interested by january, i'd have the pedi rule out medical issues, but i bet he'll jump on board soon - i'd let the issue rest for a few months though, don't even mention it to him. good luck!

At that age he can understand delayed gratification, Have you tried offering one big reward? You've gotten a lot of great suggestions here. I think it's become a battle between you and child rather than a battle between child and his body. You need to take yourself out of the equation. Act like you dont care. Even if you offer the big reward, you dont care if he gets it or not.

Don't force it. DON'T. Start school later if you have to, but this is a huge, life issue. Ask me how I know - I forced it and we have been having issues EVER since. Bad issues. 5 years of issues. My girlfriend waited and her son was just like yours, but when he wanted a play date all of his mates were at school,and so he quickly elected to be potty trained. Never an issue, never an accident. I never thought that I was doing anything wrong, but the therapist told us that potty training is actually an enormous developmental step and if you rush it/force it than developmental delays can happen. As it did in our case. Don't be pressured by the date of a school - this is your relationship with you child, one that has to last a lifetime. Take all the time he needs, because you will rue the day if you force it. I certainly do.
Good luck.

I say go with the baby thing too. You will probably have to take it pretty far to get him to change his mind on the baby thing, like not allowing him to eat certain things, not allowing him to go certain places. Explain before you start what is going on, if he wants to act like a baby, then you will treat him like a baby. And then stay strong and stick with it when you say he can't do something, or you are going to feed him baby food instead of his favorite foods. This isn't about him being ready or not, this is about him purposely not going because he doesn't want to, basically manipulation.

My daughter was 3 months shy of her 4th birthday when she finally started using the potty. It was so frustrating because all of our friends and family had kids pottytrained by 2 and a half. What finally worked for us was a combination of putting her in real underware and using a Potty Watch.
We went to the store and let her pick out her own panties. She got Disney princesses. We reminded her that the princesses are her friends and it's not nice to pee on your friends! Then we grabbed a Potty Watch, which she absolutely loved! You can set it to go off at different intervals and it will reset itself. So every 20 or 30 minutes the watch will start playing music, letting the child know it's time to go Potty. My daughter LOVED having a big girl watch and would get so excited to run to the potty every time it went off. Sometimes she would go, sometimes she wouldn't, and she still had the occasional accident, but it really, really helped!
http://www.pottytimeinc.com/
She did still have accidents at night, so I would put the waterproof pads down under her. But that only lasted another couple of months! Good luck!

Sarah B had a great idea with the toy that the child really, really wants. Some kids respond to this, so it really could work!

My friend's son was at least 4 when they were still struggling with this. She really focused on natural consequences. If he had an accident everything stopped so he could get cleaned up. Often times that meant being late to or missing preschool. She was just very matter-of-fact about it. If he pooped his pants, he needed to get changed and cleaned up and that could take awhile and he really started to realize that he was missing out on the things that he loved.

I think part of the reason this really resonated for her son was that she wasn't punishing him and the consequence wasn't arbitrary. He was old enough to understand what would happen (diaper rash) if he didn't get cleaned up right away. He really began to understand that this was his choice and if he didn't choose the potty, this was the consequence.

Good luck! I'm working with my 3 year old this week. Yesterday he would all of a sudden stop, look down at his pants, say, "Oh, no!" and then start peeing. It wasn't in the potty, but he was making a connection, so I'm hopeful!

I really hate potty training :-)

the same thing happened to me. my boy was 4 and potty training was no where in sight. then one day he just decided to do it. literally. we had many accidents and trials after that day, but one day he decided he was ready. i think that is the issue. no matter how hard we push some kids, they tend to do stuff in their own time.
good luck!

My daughter didn't potty train until she was 3 years 8 months, and she was highly resistant up until then too. What finally worked was no more diapers (just a pull-up at night) and just sticking her in underwear. It only took her 2 to 3 days of wetting herself before she decided that going on the potty was the better option. However, we didn't go back to diapers - we just said, no more diapers ever, and that was that. She wailed, she cried, she screamed that she wanted her diapers back, but we held firm. Maybe you just need to tell your son, I understand you like your diapers, but diapers are for babies, and you are not a baby any longer - babies also don't get to do fun things like swimming and playing video games and riding a bike and going to school. At 3.5, he is no longer a toddler - he is a preschooler.

DD took a little longer to poop train - there was a lot of resistance there too, and then she started holding on to the poop, making her constipated, and then making it hurt to go, which turned her off to going to the potty even more. We've worked through that with high fiber foods, sometimes Miralax to help soften the stool and finally letting her play games on my phone while she sat on the toilet for 5 to 10 minutes to give the poop a chance to come out. If there is something you think he would enjoy having that he can have access to to make the time sitting on the toilet a little more "worth it" to him, I would see if that would help (book, video game, etc). My husband thought I was nuts for letting DD have my phone while sitting on the toilet - he was afraid of her dropping it in there. But it's what the pediatrician suggested and she only got to play on it while sitting on the potty. And gosh darn it worked - she's become a daily pooper on the potty finally and it took less than a week!

Since he won't be starting school until May, and he turns 4 in January, you have some time to play with - maybe tell him that once he turns 4, that will be when we say bye-bye to diapers for good and use the potty from now on. Until then, he can still practice.

You definitely don't want to push it. Just bring it up occasionally in a non-chalant manner. However, I wonder if he goes anywhere now (daycare?) where there are other kids going through the same situation. Our son wanted nothing to do with it until daycare started sending all the kids his age that he played with to the bathroom every couple of hours. There are some things in this world that are good peer pressure and toilet training is one of them. If you have a Mommy & Me group that you attend you could all get on the same page before-hand and make it part of the day where all the kids go to the potty, or if you could send your son to a daycare program (that helps with toilet training) once or twice a week for a couple of hours, it might be helpful. The herd mentality totally helped our son;)