Help - Carson,CA

No, not normal. Will he go to the doctor, to see if anything is physically wrong? Beyond that you need counseling, both of you. Good luck.

It is time to address this outside the couple. He either needs to speak with his doctor, or you need to see a therapist, or preferably both.

P.S., unless there are other major signs I would not assume cheating. When my husband was cheating we still had a very active sex life at home as well. No sex does not = cheating, but it could be the sign of a medical condition.

Dang ladies why do you always jump to the "oh my god he's cheating!" My husband and I went about almost 18 months without sex. NO he wasnt cheating he has low testosterone. He just didnt have the drive and since he tried the topical medicines in the last without success, he wasn't in a hurry to get to the dr. Maybe encourage your husband to see a dr. This is a very sensitive subject for men and be might just be embarrassed.

J.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Not normal. However, if he was there for the birth and actually witnessed your daughter coming out? He could be freaked out! I know a guy who literally had to go to a shrink to get over it. Seeing the baby pop out like that was more than his brain could handle....he made excuses, etc. finally when pushed he told his wife - he couldn't go there again because it was just too gross....he saw his wife's vagina in a different light and it wasn't "fun" anymore.

Tell him you are sexually frustrated and he needs to put up!! :) Tell him you are making a doctor's appointment to make sure he is healthy - testosterone check and the like and then if that doesn't yield anything? Counseling or a sex therapist...

Good luck!

I agree with trying to get him to see a doctor or maybe a counseling session. I'd be climbing walls! Good luck and definitely seek a professional. You'll get lots of opinions here, but no "cures."

Not normal at all. Something is going on and you guys need to figure it out before things get worse.

Doctor first, to make sure it's not medical, then perhaps counseling.

If this is your first child, it's possible that he freaked a bit. Some guys have a fine sex life, but when wife/sexual partner becomes MOTHER, it can flick a switch in their brain and they have a hard time turning the switch back from seeing their partner as MOTHER back to wife/sexual partner. If he is physically fine, he may need a little help to "reboot" the sexual part of the relationship.

Do you guys make time for each other OUTSIDE. Of the bedroom? As a couple?
Date nights, etc?
Might be a good way to reconnect.
Your lives are surely busier and more hectic now, and there's a new little priority! ;). Make sure you fit in couple time as well.
Good luck!

It seems strange to me because my hubby had a very hard time waiting the six weeks after I had my daughter. He wanted to have sex right away and six weeks was like torture for him.

Not normal. Your baby is a year old and you have not had sex. I'm not sure he is cheating, but that does not seem right to me. You have to give and take in a marriage even when you don't want to. Maybe he needs to see a doctor for a low sex drive. IDK, but that does not seem normal for anyone I know. I hope this is just a fluke thing.

It happens more often than gets reported.

I was in the same situation. It really does a number on a woman's self-esteem, because we are conditioned to think that all men want sex all the time, but it's just not true. My ex was just not that interested in sex. I never saw him checking out another woman (or man), he didn't stop (or search out) sex scenes in movies or TV. He had his testosterone levels checked at my suggestion and the levels were fine. He just wasn't all that interested in sex or attracted to me. He even asked me what was wrong with us living as roommates for the rest of our lives. I didn't want a roommate, which is why I chose to end the marriage (and I hadn't really heard about open marriages at that point).

I also read "The Sex-Starved Wife" and found it really described my situation. She mentions that the level of sex usually stays at the level of the person who wants it the least.

Talk to him first about how this is making you feel, and if you can't work something out, as turtledove says below, talk to him about opening up the marriage so you can get your sexual needs met elsewhere. Dan Savage has some resources and advice you can use. You can find his column at www.thestranger.com You might first ask your husband to help you meet your needs - maybe hold you while you masturbate (which might help turn him on), or if he satisfies you and you tell him it's OK that sex doesn't have to mean intercourse. If him touching you gets you off, it can stop when you're done and it doesn't have to mean he has to perform that night. If you do talk to him about opening up your marriage, be prepared that his initial instinct might be to say no, but he might change his mind if you give him some time to think about it. You need to have serious discussions about when it's ok to sleep with someone else- always use condoms, nobody you know, you can only see them x number of times so no attachments develop.

I had no concerns that my ex was cheating on me, so if you have no other signs, don't worry that your ex is cheating. He could have a very low sex drive or little interest in sex. You have to decide how important this is to you to know what you want to do.

Not normal, but I feel for you. My husband also has low drive and doesn't want to take testosterone. Read Michelle Weiner's The Sex Starved Wife.

It seems normal. My husband also feels tired a lot. When men are involved in a pregnancy and child-rearing, their testosterone drops severely to keep them focused on the child, rather than to go out and get someone else pregnant. I think women don't have that problem. I didn't lose my sex drive even for a day, not even right after I had my c-section, which was a terrible experience... :) I have heard other moms complain too. One of my friends said it just takes a while for them to get back to normal, maybe two years. My husband told me at this point it's alright if I sleep with someone else every now and then because my sex drive is so much higher than his. That might be a solution and will take pressure off him too.

Very strange, indeed. My husband (and me, too) could not wait the six weeks. We waited three and couldn't hold out anymore. And we had sex up until the night I went into labor.
I pray he is not involved with anyone else. Is he gone more now or any other strange things in his behavior? You may have to give him an ultimatum that he either talks or he can leave. Sorry to say.
Hope it gets better!

have him see a doctor and seed whats up.-J.

I would just like to add that it is possible he is suffering from mild depression and anxiety, since you say he's tired and stressed. My sex drive dropped a ton after I started having kids, because I am seriously exhausted physically and mentally. It just hits some people harder than others. Whenever my husband and I do an overnight away from the kids, or even just go out without the kids, the sex drive comes back for me. It's just something my brain sort of processes subconciously, that if my kids are around, they might need something, or wake up, or whatever, and when I do not feel like they are right there in the next room, the sex drive goes back to normal. I am a high stress/anxiety individual. My husband is not, having kids did not affect his sex drive, and he is understanding that it affected mine, and would rather see me get rest and take good care of our kids than stay up late every night to have sex and be a basket case. If your husband is a Type A personality, he really might just be overly stressed out by all the life changes that come with having kids. But counseling is a must before your relationship suffers more.