Help! 4 Yr Old Behavior in Pre-K

We're going through a VERY SIMILAR situation with my daughter who just started K-3 a few weeks ago. She is doing great at the school, but acting out and really "coppin' 'tude" at home -- telling ME no, hitting & tackling her brother, smacking. She ran away from me over the weekend, and in general is just VERY full of herself.

I spoke with some friends of mine and they all agree that this is typical with both the age and a new situation. They (the kids)suddenly think they are older than they are and are re-testing the boundaries. Unfortunately I feel like I'm failing every test!

Best of luck -- to all of us!

Hi A.! I'm so sorry you (and your little guy) are going through this!
Judging by what you've mentioned, it sounds like perhaps he's overwhelmed with all the change. Since he's only 4 years old, he can't necessarily come out and say exactly what he's feeling, so as a result, whatever he's feeling (frusteration, fear, or just difficulty adjusting) are coming out by means of his behavior. In short, he may feel that with all the recent change, he's lost a little bit of control in his life (or all of a sudden it isn't predictable, making him feel like he's "lost control"). Do you know how the daycare handles his outbursts? (I am a daycare provider-keep children in my home-and I've found that the most effective way to handle situations like these is to sit the child down and talk with them-on their level-to find out what's bothering them. This gives an opportunity for you to find out what's wrong, but also to teach them how to properly express their feelings, and also allows the opportunity to give them a pep talk, which can go a long way with a child. I think it's important to address out of the norm behaviors this way vs. punishing them for it, if possible.) It doesn't sound like you know what's going on in his Pre-K class yet... Either way, it'll be important to get to the bottom cause of his behavior and make sure that you, the daycare, and his Pre-K teacher are all on board in addressing the issues in the same manner-consistancy is key, and you're all working towards the same goal-ensuring that he's a happy, healthy kid!
I hope this helps at least a little!

I have had the same problem with my 3 year old! My son is still in the same day care and switched class rooms and he was having the same problems with other children and the teacher. He seems to be getting better with time but is still having some issues. He is also getting used to a routine with Pre-k which helps. I am looking foward to hearing what all of the mothers have to say and it is nice to know that there is a mom out there with the same situation as me! :)

Part of this behavior is to be expected from a four year old. Yet, it sounds like it has been going on too frequently and isn't improving. Transitions can be hard, especially for an only child, they get most transitions structured by adults. When groups are involved, same - age or varied - age groups will have different dynamics. [1] Can you find out what his previous day care did for his transitions and what accommodations they might have made for him, esp. on days he was tired... [2] find out what happened just before some of his most recent mis-behaviors and what happened afterward. Check for a pattern. [3] listen to what his teachers say and check into their advice. [4] Has he been to Childfind through your county school system? Even if he's not eligible, the screening person can give you applicable ideas and references regarding transitions because she had a chance to observe the child. If he IS eligible, it can be BECAUSE he does not transition (not intelligence) because he's still 4. If he turns five soon, they may only be able to help based on "intelligence". So test him SOON. I made the mistake with my bright son, because he was teaching himself to read. I was told later that due to his misbehavior and inability to dress himself or open a simple jar, he would have been found eligible and I would have gotten a lot more help. I would be happy to converse more on this if you wish to continue to email me, that would be fine.

A.,

WOW! It sounds like a lot of changes are happening for your little guy in just a short time. It will definitely take time for him to get used to lots of new situations. I have a few suggestions, but not really knowing the circumstances, they may or may not be helpful:
1. see is he can get together with a friend from the old daycare
2. visit the old daycare (may not be possible because you are working)
3. ask him what he thinks about school and the new daycare. You may find that he really dislikes one of the kids or he is getting scared/anxious.
4. talk with the daycare providers and ask what has helped other children with their transition to a new daycare. They have had to deal with that before, I am sure.
5. similarly, talk with the teachers. See if they have suggestions for his transition. See if an aide or one of the teachers can give him an activity during unstructured time, if that is when he is hitting.
6. if the behaviors persist or intensify over the next 3 months, talk to you ped. about getting a referral for a counselor. Make sure the counselor works with children regularly.
That's all I can think of off the top of my head. I have questions that might clarify the situation, if you want to message me privately. Good luck.
J.

I'm sure alot of it is adjustment to a new situation. Also, I know in daycare they had nap times, but in Pre-K they either cut out nap time or cut it way dowm. My 4 year old is in Pre-K and one thing I notice is that he comes home incredibly tired and irritable. Its a long day for a little one and they need time to adjust. He's in a new setting with new authority figures and also new outside influences from other kids. Talk to his teachers and see how you all can agree to handle it so that your son has consistent consequences when he acts out. Then just stay consistent and give him time to adjust.

I agree with the previous responders... your son is probably having a hard time adjusting and acting out is his way of handling his emotions. That is a lot of change for him. If he was still in the old daycare and starting the new school, he may find comfort knowing he's going to see the "usual crowd" after school and not be so anxious. I'd have playdates as often as possible. From the old and new daycare as well as school. Reinforce with him how wonderful it is to make new friends and keep old ones. The playdates don't have to be expensive or extra work for you. Maybe arrange a meeting at the playground for a bunch of kids. You could bring a snack for them to share. Or see if people are up for going to Chuck E Cheeses or some similar type place.

The teachers are bound to have some helpful advice too. Try to keep an open mind and know that they are handling more than just your kid and they want everyone to thrive. Perhaps you can ask the teacher if she has special chores for kids to do... wipe the desks, manage pushing in the chairs, wiping the blackboard, etc. Kids love to have duties that make them feel important. Maybe your child needs to have some duties (however small they may be) to feel like he is an important part of this class too.

I wonder if the other kids know each other? Have they had years of history together (like your son did in his previous situation) and that makes them harder to approach. Maybe his teacher will let him bring in some special napkins to share at lunch with spiderman or something else cool on them. That is a low cost way to make him feel like a special kid.

Good luck. I always feel horrible for kids who have trouble adjusting. You want so badly for them to feel happy and confident. He probably just needs a little extra assistance and then he'll find his comfort and do great.

Take care,
Liz

Acting out to change is normal. That acting out is a form of control on his part (watch out for potty changes too!). New places & schedules are scary, especially if he is going without Mom. I find that those new experiences with new kids also contribute when they mirror behavior of others. You can't really control the baggage of what the other kids come with, and sometimes they pick up unwanted attitudes and words. I would reinforce the 'at home' rules and schedules so he has that sense of complete normalcy there. When my son was in Pre-k, it took him a a good couple of month to get in the groove of paying attenion and following rules. But then again that IS what PreK is for- training for regular school- they are only 4 and 5 years old in these classes, they are still babies. Don't let the school, teachers, & other parents freak you out to bad- sometime they put too much pressure on these kids to early. Don't worry, he's still a baby and- it's all normal!

I work in the preschool industry and I would say that you and the teachers need to work together to come up with a list of consequences for his behavior as well as a list of rewards for when he does something good. In our preschool, I try to reward the good behavior and try to "ignore" the "bad" behavior. Charts are also a good idea. Place on a calendar the behaviors you and the teachers would like to see and then reward your son everytime is polite, listens to the teacher, responds with words not hitting, etc. The preschool teacher should know about the charts. Your son sounds like he may be overwhelmed with a daycare and a preschool setting. It will probably take time but working with the daycare providers and the preschool teachers should result in a positive experience for both you and your son.

sounds like you're crazy busy right now too, and hugs to you for handling all you're handling. there's not much you can do EXCEPT daycare and pre-school under the circumstances and this is not about blame. however, the fact is he's a really little guy, and his beloved mom is really busy and he's just been faced with a lot of new stuff. a LOT of new stuff. he needs a lot of love and support and as much one-on-one time as you can give him. hopefully the teachers and day care providers will work with you on this.
khairete
S.

Dear A.,
As a teacher myself I would say that first things first - go in and talk to that teacher with an open mind. The teacher may have some idea of why he is having trouble adjusting. This isn't the first time she will have seen this problem, but she needs the parents on her team. Also talk to his daycare teacher, she may have observed him saying some revealing things about his behavior to other kids during playtime. I hope things go well and you will find out what is bothering your little one.

Your child is 4 years old now and he can express his feelings to you more now then before. I would talk with him and see what is going on. My heart aches for you guys a lot might have to start with not having dad unfortinatley. I could not imagine how you feel and him as well. I am going to say a prayer for you guys and hope all things go well!