Daughter Won't Behave in Pre-school

Perhaps you can discuss the technique you use at home that is effective with the Pre-K teacher?

But, what's up with the screaming? Where did she learn that from? Is there screaming at home?

What is happening at home? Do you both work and she is possibly not receiving enough attention?

I have ADD and did not act this way. There is appropriate social behavior and there is inappropriate social behavior. On one hand she is still learning the queues and differences and testing what is acceptable. That is the strong willed part, to not follow along. But doing it excessively and annoying those around her and obeying simple requests, those are deeper issues.

What is happening before these 'bad' behaviors? How does the teacher deal with them? What is the teacher to child ratio? Is the preschool play based or some other approach? How much outside time and play time do the kids have?

Does the teacher get down to your daughter's level, make eye contact and put a hand on her shoulder when giving instructions? Or does the she just make a vague statement to the entire class? Some kids need a personal connection with an adult before they will notice that instructions are being given to them.

Preschool is for teaching socialization and a life long love of learning. It is NOT to teach children to sit still for long periods and get punished. And yes - that is what the stoplight is - punishment. I personally abhor that sort of (actually any sort of) punishment and reward system. It does not teach your daughter what to do - just that she is doing it wrong. It does not promote any sort of internal satisfaction or motivation when she does something right - just an external reward.

She is not behaving badly because she wants to be punished. She is behaving badly because she needs better tools to cope with the situation. She doesn't need to have her behavior 'not allowed'.

You need to figure out why she is doing a behavior and give her better options. For example - she is yelling across the room. She needs practice raising her hand and getting called on or she needs to learn to walk over to the child she wants to talk with and use her inside voice. She is pushing a child away from the toy she is playing with - she needs you to roll play with her a script to use - 'I am using this toy now, I will tell you when I am done and then you can use it' instead.

I think you need to speak with the teacher and spend some time in the classroom observing. She is four - medication seems way over the top for what you are describing.

She sounds like a 4 year old acting like a 4 year old, no need for meds!

I'm assuming that several other kids in class have the same behaviors. really, I have taught this age group and a lot of kids act this way. It just depends on how often they do, and for how long a stretch of time. What worked for my son, is if he got 3 greens in a row, then we would take him to get ice cream. If he got 6 greens in a row, then we took him to the movie. For 10 greens in a row, he gets to go to the aquarium, which he has been begging to do for a while. After a month of reds, this has really helped him.. he only needs three more greens to get to the aquarium!

We talk to him every morning about the behavior we expect him to do, and we find if we are positive about it, then he gets excited to try really hard to act good. We explained to him how to be polite and listen. It's really just helping them work on impulse control... which can be hard to do, and you obviously can't enforce it when they are at preschool.

I wouldn't totally be concerned about ADHD just yet. Talk to her teacher about what methods work for you. Perhaps she can be a classroom helper for a while, sit close to the teacher during story time... Dr. Sears has some really great methods as well:

http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior
http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/botherso...

Maybe being in a room full of kids, is overstimulating for her. And it tweaks her. There are SO many dynamics, when there is a room full of kids and activities and noise and kids moving around.

So then, the child gets overstimulated. And if they are tired at the same time... then that does not bode well for the child. Being tired, makes a child have NO tolerance for things.
And when a child is like this, they do not have automatic knowledge of coping-skills and don't know how to handle it. They are only 4. So then they scream in order to "shut-out" the noise or what is bothering them.
And then they hit or what not and can't listen. Because, for a young child, they do not have the automatic skills of knowing how to handle it all like an adults would, and they strike out at what is bothering them.

And yes, the "vibes" of the room full of kids, also affects a child. And they can't simmer down. It keys them up.

Your daughter is having maturity issues. Of which she is only 4.

Some kids, who get tweaked by things like this with either get very quiet and "shy"...or they get more hyped up. Because a 4 year old does not have "coping-skills" developed yet. It is learned and taught by the parents. And it takes time to learn, until it becomes more instinctual.

Role play with her, teach her the words for her feelings, even if she is grumpy or frustrated. Teach her HOW to say it. And what she can say if something is bothering her. A child, does not know how to do this automatically. It is taught, and practiced. Role-Play with her.

And/or, if you think she has an ADD issue, discuss it with your Pediatrician.

It is either a maturity issue and a matter of learning social skills and coping skills and how to communicate, which is age-related, or it is a behavioral issue.

She is 4.
Kids this age are not robots.
The Teacher should know this.
How do they facilitate your daughter, when she is like this?
Some preschools are very rigid. Some are not and they are more nurturing. Maybe, this is school is a good fit for her or not.

Ugh! My 4 year old is the same way. I'm her teacher at home ( I teach in-home preschool) and she acts like this at church too. She's very disruptive, loud, shifty, and doesn't sit still for more than 2 seconds. She's just a little kid so while she may have adhd, I am not worried about it at this time. She's only 4.
Ask the teacher what kind of correction she uses and let her know what works at home. Things may change if you come up with a gameplan together.

You don't mention what the teacher has tried to do to help your daughter achieve the desired behaviors. If she hasn't told you, I would ask her specifically what she is doing to try to stop the behavior and redirect your child. That may give you a better idea of how you should proceed. Maybe you could even make suggestions about what you have found to be effective at home.

That being said- Have you thought about trying a different preschool? A fresh start and a more "hands-on" preschool may be just what she needs to be successful. I am an elementary teacher and I love the high-scope curriculum. The kids focus on learning by doing. I would also look for someplace with a small student-teacher ratio and a teacher that seems willing to work with kids 1-on-1.

If it were my child I would REALLY hesitate to put her on medication at such a young age. I would really explore all the other options that I could. Sometimes finding the right teacher and program can make all the difference in the world. Best wishes to you!

The fact that your child will listen and stop the behavior at home for you indicates that she IS capable of controlling herself better, but the setting with lots of kids and structured activities she MUST do is not for her just yet. It simply sounds like she needs to mature a lot.

As someone else noted -- you don't say what the teacher does to deal with your child, other than the "stoplight" reports.

When I've seen the stoplight used with young kids in preschool and even in K and first grade classes, the stoplight was always tied to a reward for good behavior; for instance, if you went X days with green lights all day, you got a specific reward. It gives the child something to work toward. If the teacher only uses the stoplight as a way to report to you, I would talk with her in detail about how she can institute some form of reward system for your child. She may be reluctant and may say "If I do that for one child, I'll have to do it for all of them." And that's understandable. But if she is not willing to try something new to work with your child, either this preschool may not be a good fit, or your daughter just may need to mature before being in a classroom setting.

You also don't say if it's her first year of preschool. Has she been in preschool before this? Did she behave this way? From what you describe I assume this is her first year of preschool, so this setting is entirely new to her and if she hasn't had any other classroom settings or very structured settings outside home, her reactions sound somewhat typical for a four-year-old in a first-time classroom. And the screaming sounds like a younger child, which may again indicate she needs to mature.

Assess whether the preschool day is too long (is it whole day or half?), whether she goes too often (is she there five days a week or only two or three?), whether the kids get enough physical activity, whether story times are too long for their attention spans, etc. She may benefit from dropping down to fewer hours and/or fewer days of preschool right now, then increasing in the fall when she has had the summer to grow up a little.

If she is expected to start K next year, please, don't be afraid to say, "She was going to do kindergarten next year but we're doing another year of preschool instead to give her time to mature." (And to give her time for you and the teachers to see if anything else might be going on.) It is MUCH better for a family to put off starting K than to begin it and have tons of behavior issues. By the time a child gets to K, he or she must know how to go along with group activities, obey an adult who is not a parent, share adequately, keep hands off others, and so on. If she is not there, you should not send her to K.

And please don't jump to the ADHD conclusion. I know your husband has his past with ADD, but not every behavioral issue is medical.

And by the way - catch her being good. Praise her even for behavior you think should be "normal," everyday good behavior. Thank her when she does well. Surprise her with a reward for self-control when she does well on an outing or at a play date. She needs positive reinforcement -- good behaviors get positive attention; poor behaviors do not.

I did not really read this post as I hate long posts... But, my now college senior had a rough preschool experience because my hubby and I were pre-divorce. I got myself in check and then he did too. Don't medicate.

I have a very similar child. She's 6 now.
Nothing anyone could ever say would convince me to medicate my child.
I did not put my child in preschool. But she did go to Sunday school at that age.
I think Dana wrote a great post...others too...but Dana's really rang true to my experience.
I just wanted to add...that once it became apparent that my child was not like the other kids-who sat quietly and did as they were told-it seemed she got a bad label. Every week, something she did was bad/wrong.
Really she was just overstimulated. Hated the noise for starters...
I have to wonder if the same (naughty label) hasn't happened to your child.

DD is growing in her maturity. She is a strong little girl. I bet yours is too.

Oh and both of my kids think screaming is great fun...

Hang in there!

Dana K is 100% right on the money, in my opinion. Please don't label her as "bad"--she is trying to learn, and needs more guidance from her teachers, it sounds like to me. Her teachers should be more proactive in giving her other behavior options, and in seeing and helping intercede with the negative behaviors before they are too much. Work with the school, but if they won't be more helpful, consider moving her to another school next year. If you, volunteer in her class, or watch the class from an observation area.

From age 3 to date (and she's 33 now)!

The daycare actually wanted to throw my daughter out; the only reason they didn't is because they knew I was a single mother and that I was really trying to get her under control.

Pretty much what you're describing is typical 4 year old behavior. I am assuming this is your daughter's first year at preschool. You need to keep in mind that preschool is really preparing a child for school. I'm not really talking academics; I'm talking about preparing a child for how to be in school; how to behave, what is expected, what is forbidden.

Children have spent most of their time at home with mommy and daddy and mommy and daddy's rules only. Now they have to learn what the rules are in a different environment, how to be part of a large group, how to listen and follow directions that are given to the large group as opposed to individual instruction, etc. It is the preschool teachers' job to teach these things to your daughter.

I would not jump straight to ADD and medication. I would just about bet that time, experience and maturity will resolve these issues with support and guidance from home and from her preschool teachers. You could also practice with her - play school. You be the student - let her be the teacher.

Good luck!

I think in the instance of the pushing, the teachers should be re-directing her when that happens, and reinforcing empathy. They should be looking at what happened just before the pushing, watching carefully and helping her with those situations before they escalate into physical aggression. But yes, this is normal. A lot of preschoolers push. They are still learning social skills and how to deal with being in school with a room full of other kids. Sharing, how structured activities work. They are learning. That's what preschool is all about. The screaming should be dealt with by having one of the teacher's helpers gently remove her from the room and stay with her until she calms down, or distracting her with another activity, so she isn't disruptive to the other children. No way in the world should they be worrying about her putting her head down during song time. She isn't ready to join, that isn't hurting anyone else. They should be loving and encouraging her, but let her participate in song time when she is ready as long as she isn't bothering anyone else. This is preschool. Your DD is normal, she may be having a tough time with class transitions. The green-yellow-red system is for elementary aged children. I wonder if they're giving too much attention to her negative behaviors. Are they going out of their way to brighten her day, make her feel special, and have fun at school? They should be all over the good things she does with plently of smiles and compliments. The school year is almost over. I might consider pulling her out early if she is miserable and you sense the teachers are more frustrated than loving towards her. Let her enjoy a long summer and try a different preschool next fall.