Help? - Albuquerque,NM

A little personal info on me... when I was a teenager, my moms boyfriend and I fought like crazy and she chose him over me, moved us in with him, and then I moved out at barely 17 because of him. I had it rough trying to make it on my own for a few years and I guess I was one of the lucky ones who found the right man and was able to get quickly out of the drug scene I had felt comfortable in. My Mom now, 12 years later, has apologized to me countless times for her choices at that time and greatly regrets her decisions. She and her boyfriend are still together and we are all on good terms now. Skeletons in the closet for us. (We just keep the closet door shut.) Dont know if this helps. Just wanted to share my experience. Something to think about.

Dump the boyfriend and concentrate on your daughter. She is way more important and needs you, especially at this time in her life. If she feels you are choosing him over her, that could affect her the rest of her life. Personally, you should not even have a man you are not married to living in the house with you and your daughter. That is not setting a good example for her. Apologize to her, tell her you love her more than you do him and that you want to work on the relationship with her.

Hi J.,
That must be a hard situation for you! I just listened to a book on tape by Dr. Phil McGraw, called Family First. It comes in book form and has printables also to use like a workbook. I found it really helpful in creating the right kind of dialog with any age child and there is a lot of information about teenagers. Hopefully your boyfriend is open to reading this book....maybe it is something you can do together. Teenagers have to be handled a certain way or they can rebel and have problems. there definately needs to be a discussion with you leading it and each person can tell how they feel and what they want from each other. You are the authority though and your boyfriend should resort to you on how to handle situations. I wish you luck.
K.

Hey Jen,
Wow what flashbacks! haha. Not too long ago, I was once the teenager of a single parent looking for Mr. Right. So let me give you some of the emotions I know I felt during that time, and hopefully it gives you a little incite into what your teenager is feeling.
My mom dated most through my high school years, a time when I felt the most selfish in my life. When I felt like maybe I was losing ground with my mom, I felt resentful and excluded. The “you love this person more than me" logic. It's not okay to pick a fight it never is, but take her concerns into serious thought. Whatever her issues with the guy are, talk to her about it; see if there is anything you can do to help clarify things. Yes, it’s gonna be sticky and emotional, maybe even personal, but she’s your daughter. It’s not easy allowing someone new into your life or home. Maybe there are some things you all need to change for them to get along.
For me it was my fears and insecurities about my relationship with my mom, the fear that he would hurt her, and lastly of course the separation from my father. Of course being full of teenage hormones didn’t help haha. Maybe make a girls day, get your nails done together, rent a movie and veg out on junk food, whatever you can bond over. Let her know she can feel safe and trust in your relationship with her and that your choices will not affect that. My mom says if she could go back, she would take to heart my feelings more. Also that she could have approached me in a more loving way, rather than feeling the frustration of not being able to reason with a teenager.
Several years later, my mother and I have a very strong bond, and I am very secure in our relationship. She met my stepfather when I was a junior; they have been married for the past 5 years. He and I started out rocky, but in the end he made the effort to really communicate with me and to show me, he loved my mom and eventually that love spread to me. I hope everything works out. Love never fails.

Hi J.,
Wow, this sounds like a tough situation.

My instincts tell me to stick up for you and be your cheerleader: this is the time for you to *Be* the parent. Your relationship with your boyfriend is one thing, but don't take your teenager not talking to you, lying down! She is using emotional blackmail to try and control the situation.

Your teen wants to be a grown-up, but doesn't have the skills yet. Don't let her think a power-grab is the way to be. I'm NOT saying to yell, fight, and force her to communicate. This is an awesome opportunity to speak softly and use your Mom-powers to open up communications, and teach your child to respect you, even if she doesn't agree with you.

Boyfriends... well, that's a sticky situation for any single Mom: but you have the right to be loved, and your daughter has the right to be parented.

Go Mom, go!
T

My daughter's friend is in a similar situation and finally moved out of her mom's home and is living with a girlfriend. She is not speaking to her mom. She does not respect her mom or the live-in boyfriend. He gets all the perks with no commitment. He doesn't understand why the daughter is so angry with him. The mom is desperate for the relationship and let him move in without marrying her. The mom really thinks the guy will marry her someday. The daughter also wants to know she is important.

I would suggest you let your daughter know you care about her and want to know the truth about what she is thinking and how she is feeling, no matter what. Don't get angry when she tells you how she is feeling. Then be her mom first and foremost. Once she is up and out, then focus on your love life. Your daughter needs you right now. As a teacher, I have seen too many girls turn desperately to the wrong guys because of pain at home.

Since your daughter will not talk much, it is hard to know what is happening with her...and her perception of her/your relationship with the boyfriend. (her role in the family dynamics) Does she feel threatened by this relationship? (Is it relatively new...or does it remind of some previous relationship that ended poorly?) There is a whole lot that could be going on.
I guess it is up to you to decide what to put first...your relationship with your daughter...or your relationship with your boyfriend. It does not sound like he is much of a talker or problem solver either...as he has left the house.
Some introspection and patience on the part of at least one them is critical, both preferable. How can you motivate that is another question.
I imagine you could force your daughter to just be civil on a basic level, (by applying some consequences) but silence never really converts a person. If she still feels anger underneath a calmer outward demeanor, she may simply leave as soon as she can.
Good luck...children do not get to choose their parents, so they can get quite angry when they have little control over what happens at home. If and when your teen moves out on her own...she may find herself and more self-assurance and confidence, and can feel less emotional over your choice of partner.

J., this is time to revaluate your relationship with friend. It may just be the right or wrong person for you.

Also Teens have terrible times sometimes and can be unreasonable. Teen may just need to settle down and realize that you have friends also, not just her.

I told my daughter that she (single mom) has no life until her daughter was raised and then she could do what she wanted, and that has worked.

Your child always comes first to a BOYFRIEND!!!!!

I agree there isn't enough information here really.

It's tough being a single mom. My husband has been gone for almost 4 months now (in South Korea with the Air Force) and I can understand a lot better why my sister has been married a few times. Yes, you have the right and the need to be loved--as one person said. But while you are not married, the most permanent relationship is mother-child and that's what you put first. I can understand the situation getting sticky and awkward, but I don't really understand you letting it get to the point where your daughter moves out. If it's so bad someone needs to leave, it should be your boyfriend since he is not bound to the family.

(If you were married, my response would be very different.)

Good luck; stay strong.
--R. J.

Hi, J. -
Who moved out? Your kid or your boyfriend?
If it was your child, you have a serious problem. If it was your boyfriend, maybe that's for the best because perhaps it's time to focus more on your child anyway. Doesn't sound like your boyfriend is ready to play the role of parent. I hope this doesn't sound harsh. It's not meant to. Good luck.

Hi J., I think it would help to know more details like how long have you had the boyfriend, did something major happen with them, did they get along before and now they all of a sudden aren't...etc. Good luck!

Even though you may seem like you are in the middle - and they are probably putting you there - this is their fight. She is old enough now that she can communicate or needs to learn how to. Your b-friend is an adult so he also can communicate. Tell them both to work out their differences themselves. Do not allow them to hold you hostage.

Your daughter must come first.

And I have to agree with the one commenter who said that having a BF living with you and having your daughter see that you put him first over her is not setting the best example for your daughter. Is that what you want for her?

Best of luck.

Remember that your child should always come first however you definitely need a life of your own too. You didn't really get into why they are fighting or how it began. I would suggest family counseling. If your boyfriend is willing to try he's a keeper, if he's against it then say goodbye. Good luck.

I don't know if this is a made up question or not but there is a lot you are not saying.

I looked back at previous things you have written hoping to glean more insight about you before I offered my suggestion and you refer to a young son in a couple of your posts.

Where is the young son in this picture? Why do you refer to yourself as having only "one kiddo" and claim it is a teenage girl?

This site is for questions and concerns from real people with real situations...

that sounds really hard. did your boyfriend move out to try to save your relationship? did he move out because he is trying to put your daughters feelings over his? or did he move out angry and frustrated giving up?
if your boyfriend is serious about your relationship then maybe backing up, taking some time before he moves in would be a good thing.
is your boyfriend willing to go to counseling or willing to start having some one on one time with your daughter, like going to see a movie, or taking her out to dinner?
it sounds like taking some space and slowing down may work to everyone's advantage for the future of all relationships involved.
finding the root of the problem will also help to find a solution. is your boyfriend taking your time and attention away from her? is she upset about how her birth dad may feel about the situation? does she have issues with how your boyfriend treats you or her?
i'd start getting your daughter talking again. apologizing is a good ice breaker. counseling is always an option.
good luck!