E.D.
As I was mentally composing this post, I said to myself, "but, it really wasn't *that* bad." And that kind of thinking, is exactly why I stayed. It's tempting to tell you that I would have left, had it been worse. I doubt I would have. But, to say so might make me seem stronger, or more sane.
I had always said I would leave if someone was abusive towards me. Of that, I had actually been positive. I am a strong person. Strong people leave, right?
Frankly, I was (who knows, maybe I still am) embarrassed and ashamed that I had stayed in the first place. In staying I had lost many of my strongest allies and my sense of self; I had become "a victim". More than that, I felt I had also "failed" to "help him change". To leave felt like defeat. It's a mistake I often make while playing poker; I become pot committed and refuse to leave a crappy hand. I had chosen to give this person everything (my time, energy, body). To give up on him, seemed like giving up on myself, love and the capacity for change. I equated my self worth with our relationship and with what I could do for others. I felt weak and I did not love myself. I held on, with death grip, to the possibility that he would change. If he changed, my efforts and pain would not be wasted. And I would not have been crazy for staying.
So I had to learn slowly and meanwhile he didn't change. And love wasn't enough. It took a while. After two and a half years I left.
But I got out, and damn it, I am strong