Ok, so this is probably more of vent than an actual question. I'm still trying to get over the fact that my husband decided all on his own to transition our 25 month old into a big girl bed while I was away on a very rare girls' weekend away. He'd brought it up a couple of times that he could easily turn her crib into the next stage. I'd told him that I really didn't know if she was ready for that (or me!).
Like most moms on here, I'd really thought about it, and decided we'd keep her caged until we HAD to move her. I was thinking of potty training her this next week (which I went ahead and started yesterday), and was worried about that transition -- how I'd use the big girl bed as a reward for either that or something else. I thought about how it would affect naps and bedtimes, and how I needed that to happen a little later in the summer when my part-time work load was much lighter. I had factored in her tiny size and wondered how well she would be able to climb in and out of a bed..... you get the picture.
My hubby isn't one to do something like this, and he knew he was doing something he shouldn't. He put the bed together on Sat. afternoon, talked to me a couple of times through-out the day including me saying goodnight to the girls, and then sent me a text, "I probably should have talked to you about this, but I put W in her big girl bed." Through text messages, I explained that I was upset with him, and felt cheated out of one of the last baby milestones we'd have left (she is our last). I just got a "sorry."
I had to digest all of this until the next day before I could even talk to him about it. I was really upset about it. I do feel like my domain is the house and kids, but I've ALWAYS included him on big decisions and would have had HIM put the bed together when we got to that move. We usually talk about EVERYTHING.
When I got home I asked him if he understood why I was so upset. He said, "Yeah, that's why I said I was sorry." For the sake of our marriage, I've been holding back how upset I am with him.
And yes, the kid isn't sleeping well in the bed.... up early, not going to sleep right away, and a pain to put down for a nap .... all of which I have to deal with.
Not sure if I'm just upset with missing the milestone, having it on my terms, or the fact that he knows how I am and was sneaky about it. Thanks for letting me vent, so I don't lash out at him.
Thanks for the responses. I just needed to vent some steam out so that I don't lash out at him. I was seriously disappointed. In our house it is a milestone, and is celebrated (something I'd been planning in my head). I'm a very A Type personality, and a mostly SAHM with a teaching background. I need guidelines, expectations, and organization of things. I do not do well with willy-nilly changes. But that's me. My husband and I've been married for 11 years. He KNOWS me. He knows that all we need to do is talk about any things either of us want, and we can come to easy compromises. If I were responding to my own question last week, I'd have some of the similar answers on here. We are a parental UNIT. I do have more control over the day-to-day stuff, because that is my job....the sah parent role.
I also don't expect everyone on here to understand everything so simply. Nothing is cut-and-dry. I use this site as my place to scream at the top of my lungs, organize my thoughts, and then get back to life in a more reasonable way. I'm not "having a cow" in real life. I'm accepting the fact that I missed a milestone, and that our daughter likes her new bed. I'm also trying to figure out what my husband was thinking and why he acted this way. A phone call this morning proved my theory that work is very stressful for him right now. He realizes that he NEEDS a vacation and that his stress is spilling over into our lives.
Having a chance to "scream" on here and release steam is all I needed. Thank you for those of you who realized that, offered some empathy, and weren't over critical.
And yes, I know that my daughter is 2. We say she is 2. But for the sake of a long winded vent, I said she was 25 months old. It was less words than "recently turned 2." Yes, in the world of child development age is referred to in months. A 25 month old is much different in develpment than a 34 month old. I'm tired of reading posts of people being attacked for defining their child's age when referring to a child's development/situation. Exit another soap box/rant.
You all have a nice day. I have a much needed vacation to plan for my family. :)
Milestone?
He actually did you a favor if you were planning on potty training. I can't imagine potty training a child who cannot get out of their bed.
A way that may help you not be so upset is is he very upset that you don't include him in decisions for the children? Apparently this one was important to him so he moved on it but he still lets you take the rest. So focus on what you have instead of this one of.
It is definitely a milestone and he should have waited! You need to talk about it (how you felt he was sneaky and made the decision on his own), and then move on...it's done:)
I think it's ok that you are disappointed. Have the conversation with him on how bad you felt about it and that next time when it comes to these types of decisions that you both need to be on the same page. Trust me I've been where you've been. I think it's reasoable that he should have waited. I was there when all of my kids transitioned for the first time into the big kid bed. Get an agreement from him and hold him to it.
I wouldn't be upset about this at all. I'd be thankful. You weren't ready for the change, but at 2 years old it's more likely that your daughter is ready and her father recognizes that. He did it for her, not you. The transition and the switch aren't about you. It's not about your marriage. In the long run, it's not a huge parenting decision, and it's certainly not one you ought to hold against him or even expect him to apologize for. I think you should apologize to him for dressing him down about it, actually. He did something wonderful for your daughter, and he has a right to make parenting decisions as her father.
He is a parent. Why should he not make decisions? I'm a SAHM, so I make decisions every day regarding my son. Some minor, some bigger. I'm a parent, it's my job. I don't ask my husband's permission to make these decisions. I shouldn't have to. I'm a parent. He shouldn't be afraid, to make parenting decisions without you!!He should have to apologize, for being a PARENT. What is up with that? Women want all this equality, yet they don't let men parent equally. I'm truly not trying to be harsh, but I honestly don't understand why you're mad. You shouldn't lash out at him, because he did nothing wrong. Why does it have to be on YOUR terms?
I'm sorry but this wouldn't upset me. I made and continue to make most of the parenting decisions around here and I would have found it incredibly sweet for my husband to do something like that!
Although, HE should be the one dealing with the sleep issues as this was his choice. He should follow through on that.
I find it sad when dads feel the need to sneak around their wives to do things with and for their kids. I see it a lot on this site. I know "mother knows best" but we've got to give our men a little credit and a little space, you know? Men do not respond well to being told what to do and how to do it all the time.
You know he gets to make some decisions too, right? :)
I don't see this as a milestone. And by the way she is 2 not 25 months. That drives me insane. That's like me saying my 228 month old son, okay, he's 19! I think you hit it in your last paragraph, "having it on my terms". Could this be more of a control issue? You go away and you come back to a toddler bed and not a "baby" bed?
I do understand your being upset, I do. But in the grand scheme of things, this isn't something to have a complete cow over. If she is struggling with the sleeping arrangements, have him deal with it. Hey, equal opportunity buddy! You play, you pay!!!
I think you have valid reasons for being upset. I also think your husband was just trying to help and is sorry he did not include in the decision. But I think you should give it a few more days and just let it go.
Oh and I'd definitely make him help with the consequences of moving her so soon. I wouldn't let him off that easy.
Maybe he was trying to surprise you?
Maybe he was attempting to be involved and/or handle something on his own & was motivated from a good place?
As for the milestone thing--try not to let that bother you. Now you'll remember it as something "W" and Dad did together.
As for the dealing with the fallout--I feel you--I do! That's why a common sentence at our house is "Don't 'help' me!" LOL
If it's any consolation--maybe he'll think twice next time he gets a "bright idea"!?
Wait, she's up early and not going to sleep right away and you have to deal with it?
Nuh-uh. This was his brain child. Wake him, let him know his daughter is up and needs him, and go back to bed! ^_^
As for the rest of it, I completely get it. I run all big decisions by my husband before I apply them to the kids, even though I'm a SAHM. When it comes to my kids, I'm 1/2 their parental unit, and so is he. I am not "their parent" as though they only have one. We are a team, parenting together. I would be hurt and disappointed if he made a big decision without me, since I would never do that without him (even though I'm the one home all day). I think you should (calmly, not emotionally) let your husband know that you were hurt to be cut out of this big decision, and to please not do it again.
My son was much more "mature" than my daughter at the same age. Possibly this is because he was an only child and wanted his independence, but more likely it is just his personality. Not every child is ready for a big bed at two (actually, I think the recommended age is between two and a half and three) Give it a few more days to see if your daughter can really handle it, but don't be afraid to discuss with your husband at that point that you just don't think she's ready. Until then, like I said above, let him deal with the consequences of moving a child too early.
I also don't see this as a milestone, also, 2 is to old to be transitioned... I put both my older girls in toddler beds at 1. But you are mad cause he did something with out you, or "clearing or getting your approval"... I'm sorry but I don't get a lot of women in here.... I know tins of single parents who wish they had help, or partners... But I get in here and see women complain about their husbands, the father of their kids, being fathers... It just boggles me....
no, we pretty much worked this stuff out together. we didn't always agree but neither of us proceeded without the other.
that being said, i do think you're a bit too ruffled. your marriage shouldn't be on the line over something like this.
but i would be making it very clear to him that this is not acceptable or appreciated. it sounds as if he kinda does get it now.
khairete
S.
I think most of us moms have those feelings of,"oh how dare he", be a parent. It seems to be a natural intstinc for us to want all the glory, all the rewards, since lets face it we seem to do all the work. But honestly, I would just put his arse in charge of bed time til she gets acclimated. Be annyoed, but truly upset? Let him fall flat on his face sometimes it is called parenting and yes as mom you will parent your hubs now.
Okay, in he BIG picture is this really worth fighting over?
No matter what the transition will be difficult, even if it were the end of this summer, it is something new and different. I suggest you get her a "new" bed item like a pillow pet or teddy or something to help soothe her thru this. When my son - a co sleeper until 5 got his big boy bed (twin) we got him a GIANT teddy bear to help take up the space in his bed and for him to cuddle and feel someone with him in there. I would give the bear (and his 3 pillow pets and small teddy) all giant hugs and tell him all my love is in them and when you miss me to hug them and you will be safe. In addition, we agreed that if he stayed in his bed until the sun came up he could come in and cuddle with us in bed. Three days of being sent back to his bed he never looked back. I understand that what I am sharing works for a 5yr old but maybe something in here can help you come up with a plan for your LO. In addition, I bet she feels your stress and anxioty regarding the bed and now has negative feelings towards it, thus the resistance.
Oh girl, I wish you could have seen me standing in the middle of my kids playroom last year, crying, pleading with my husband to stop because he decided to suddenly take the closet doors off to open it up and reorganize the whole thing. I walked in and the place was torn apart. I was so upset. I just feel like that stuff is my domain you know? I wouldn't go in the garage and start a total upheaval of reorganization of the tool bench, right?
I would TOTALLY feel the same way! I think it is mostly control issues (for me). The kids and all their stuff is my little realm to dictate.
They must not put me in charge of enough stuff at my real job.
Vent away... trust me, later you will feel lame for making such a big deal out of it (if you do). The playroom looks great now with the open closet and I had literally been crying tears over it-- "Noooo! Where am I going to put the stuff! I want the Barbie Bins to be hidden! I want the TV in the other corner! AAAAAgh!!!" what a spaz!
It did take me 3 days to put back together though because he was on such a tear through there everything was overturned... and in the end, it IS my realm and I had to make it work for me. I eventually found my new sense of order. You'll eventually find you're new routine with your daughter's toddler bed. You're right, you have to pick up the aftermath of someone elses decision to make a change. I am a thinker-ahead/planner like you ("I was thinking of potty training her next week... big girl bed was going to be a reward for something else...") so I get it. Its hard to adjust when someone throws a curve ball into our master plan ;)
I did it to my husband. Basically I panicked and lost faith in myself. My husband wanted to home school our daughter, I'm a SAHM and at first I was all for it, but I began to doubt myself and my ability to provide my DD with everything she needed.
I registered DD without my husband's full input and agreement. He was not happy. We talked about it at length and compromised, we agreed that we would see how she does in K. If it's not a fit then I'll suck it up and home school. Now, I'm having anxiety about sending her to school. I swear I need a crystal ball or something to tell me which one is the right choice for her.
We're all human, we make choices and some times they aren't so good. Good luck to you.
I can definitely see where you are coming from. I'd be upset for sure too. You have a right to be. Just because you are both the parents, doesn't mean he should have done this. Especially when you are in a relationship where you talk about everything before you do it. My husband and I are the same way.
Yes he might have thought that he was trying to "help" you by doing it, but he also probably KNEW you wouldn't like it either, thus why he sent you a text. Problem is he didn't see the big picture.
W not sleeping as well as she did, getting up multiple times a night, day etc. That is a lot of work ESPECIALLY when you weren't expecting it!! You thought you were on the same page about it and then it happened. That's a lot of extra work. Not for him, but for YOU. I get why you are upset. Being the at home parent is tough when the other does stuff because then you get to deal with the afters. You get what I am saying.
Also, you missed the milestone. That's not fair either, again I say he doesn't get it. It's a big thing! The transition into a "big" girl bed is a big thing. Saying goodbye to the crib and little baby stuff is hard! I'd be upset with my husband too, because I'd want to be there for it all.
And just because your daughter is 2 doesn't mean she HAS to be taken out of her crib yet! Some kids are ready and some aren't. Mine isnt and he's 2 years old too. He's still happily content in his crib and for the first time in his life is actually sleeping, so why would I want to disrupt that just because he is 2? Nope. When they are ready you will know. I dont get what all the pressure is to make them grow up so fast.
In the end, what he did was inconsiderate and lacked thought for YOU. Yes, transitioning is for the child, but you are still the one taking care of her, and having to deal with it all. He should have thought about that, and yes he SHOULD be apologizing if you ask me, and picking up a great amount of slack because he decided.
The decision should have been made together and done together.
Hang in there :)
I think you have very right to be upset, and to answer your question, my husband doesn't even do small things with the kids without asking me. He knows that I am with them all day and we have a routine. He doesn't want to upset their routine, so he asks things like, "Should the baby have a nap now? Should I rock her or let her soothe herself?"
Hi. I understand your upset and would be myself. That being said, I'm thinking that maybe your hubby just wanted for once to do something regarding his child on his own. And while at the same time just wanting to take control for once he also knew it would upset you. Maybe he even thought he was doing something to help. He should have discussed it with you but he didn't and now I'd put it behind me and enlist his 'help' with more things.
I would not have been upset, but then again, I do not feel like I have to
control everything. More power to him if he wanted to do it. Chances are
she would take some time adjusting even if it was does "on your terms." life is to short to get upset over something like this.
Updated
I would not have been upset, but then again, I do not feel like I have to
control everything. More power to him if he wanted to do it. Chances are
she would take some time adjusting even if it was does "on your terms." life is to short to get upset over something like this.
My husband wouldn't do it - but I do. I generally just decide to do things relating to the kids and then do them - especially since I'm the one home with them.
I would totally be upset too - with all of our kids, as a family, we all made a big deal out of the move to a big bed. My oldest 2 were in a big boy bed by 18 months, but our baby girl is still in her crib (she is almost 24 months or 2 for those that are irritated by the use of months ...), and we are struggling with the decision as to when to move her. She is making no attempt to climb out, and is very safe in there, and i'm honestly not quite ready to take that jump with my last baby :(
Good luck to you & I'm glad u used this forum to vent instead of at your hubby - that's what its for, right? :)
sending hugs
since she isn't sleeping well, could you put it back into a crib? I understand the milestone thing and I would of been very hurt.
Angela R-
Really???????? You can't get past the fact that a 25 month old is not potty trained? WOW.
Stacey B-
Are you a pediatrician or have a degree in child development? Most medical professionals use months to define a child's age until the age of 3. Your personal opinion about the use of months versus years when relaying age is just that- YOUR OPINION. Referring to your 19 year old son as 228 months is not even in the same realm as using months in reference to a child under the age of 3.
I can't get past the fact your 25 month old is not potty trained yet.......
