Hard Goodbyes

The its a secret when he tells you what they did is a huge red flag to me my mommy gut is telling me something is going on over there that shouldn't be.

Of course you need to allow your son's father to take him. I'm assuming that you have a court ordered custody agreement, so if you didn't allow it, you would be in violation of the court order and therefore breaking the law.

It has the feel of your son feeling as if he has to choose sides. It sounds like you give your son way too much information that he simply doesn't need on his tiny little shoulders. The grown up worries and arguments and concerns shouldn't be anywhere on his radar. He shouldn't be aware of them at all.

It also sounds like he's having separation anxiety. That's normal. Maybe he's also having issues with having the responsibility of "everything Mommy does is for me." Children need to feel secure, and know they're loved and wanted, but in a manageable way for them to understand. Be encouraging about the visits with his father. Be reassuring about the visits. If you have anxiety about them when you don't have anxiety about him visiting grandparents and friends, he's going to notice that. If you and his father don't get along in front of him, he's going to notice that.

I do think that therapy is a good thing for you to consider.

EDIT: Please also explain to your son that unless he's planning a surprise for someone's birthday, a holiday, a party, Mother's Day, or Father's Day, etc. then there aren't any secrets he should be keeping from his Mom. You need to reassure him that he is allowed to tell you EVERYTHING and he'll never, ever get in trouble for telling you secrets. He needs to understand that if anyone is telling him to keep secrets from his Mom, it's the same as lying to his Mom and that it's always better to tell the truth than a lie... and he'll never get in trouble for speaking the truth but a lie will always get him in trouble.

D.,

I don't usually do this, but because of your added information, I have changed my answer completely.

I do think counseling is a best option,even if his dad won't go. Start with yourself. First, I hear a lot of anger toward your son's dad in the information you shared below (in the response area). You need to work through that, because your friends were right-- what you are telling your son is WAY over his head and could be causing him serious anxiety.

Re-read what you shared with us:
" You are so loved that **anyone who doesn't want to be in your life doesn't need to be in your life**."

D., what you basically told you son was that parental involvement in his life was OPTIONAL. That's likely what he is hearing from that statement. My sense is that you were telling him this at a time when you were trying to reassure him but were also furious with his father. It's the job of the adult to contain our strong emotions and to help our child make sense of things. A simple "It's too bad your dad didn't come this time, I know you are sad. Let's go make some popcorn and watch a movie together" would have given him empathy and a sense that you are in control and will help him move along. Instead, you made a huge statement which may have caused more anxiety, because instead of being reassured, he understands your words as "it's optional for a parent to be involved and to care" which is NOT what he needs.

I think you have every right to be angry at your son's father from what you described. I also think you need some guidance and direction in how you reflect your perception of your son's father (and their relationship) back to him. People do change, D., and I know you want what's best for your son. I don't get the sense that you are a bad mom, but your descriptions of your language with your son suggest to me that you need some help in giving your son a sense of real security in who his parents are and their roles in his life.

So, do try the quick, confident goodbyes I had suggested in my earlier post, and find ways to listen to your son and provide empathy without burdening him with your emotions as well. You were correct in your guess that a family counselor would be a good place to start.

D.:

What stands out to me in this post? "It's a secret".

HUGE RED FLAG in my book. You need to ask him WITHOUT prompting about who he plays with, what he does, etc. and what's the secret as we don't have secrets in this house...don't get mad. don't press...but tell him that he can tell you ANYTHING and you won't get mad.

The screaming for you? Separation anxiety. It happens.Tell him that you love him and will be here on X day and be there. Or if you have to pick him up - you be there when you said you were or earlier. NEVER LATE.

But what you need to do - is get to the bottom of the "secret" that would bug the heck out of me.

not to be mean or picky - but it was hard to read your post as it was like one long sentence...it helps you get more and better answers if people can read it easily.

i don't like the secret thing.
i also think you're way over-sharing for a fellow this little. he should feel that he belongs with you, period, not just with someone who 'wants' him (he's little. in his world, 'wanting' comes and goes.) and it's expecting WAY too much at his level of maturity to share your own feelings about your parents' separation, and your current choices. he needs you to be strong and secure so that you are his safe place to be.
explanations to littles need to be truthful, but they also need to be short, simple and age-appropriate. he's too small to tote around an adult's baggage as well as his own.
talk to his dad about the 'secret' situation. i'd be interested to hear how he reacts.
khairete
S.

Could be wrong , but from reading your post... Sounds like your son is with other people quite a bit . Maybe he's missing you & having some anxiety.

His dad is his dad. He needs to go spend time with his dad.

A bit of separation anxiety and transitions trouble is really common at this age.
A lot of kids will still get weepy in the mornings even into 1st grade.
Cut back a bit on the non Dad visits for a bit and just spend time with him.
Snuggle up for story time a lot (it doesn't have to be just for bed time).
He has a great time with his Dad and brothers - and that's fine.
Tell him you're glad he likes visiting with Dad - you want him to enjoy himself - and you're glad when he comes home to you too.
Sometimes I almost think the separation melt downs are an attempt to show you how loyal he is to you - but in daycare/school most of the time once the Mom is out of sight within 10 min they are fine playing with their friends and getting their day started.
He'll outgrow the separation anxiety sooner or later - just be patient with him.

Some divorced parents really pump the kids for info about the other parent.
The 'secret' business might be a way just to minimize that - it's not necessarily a red flag.
Maybe you could talk to Dad about it.
4 yr olds aren't usually too good about keeping secrets and you don't want it to be a burden on him.

Sounds like separation anxiety and can happen at that age. My son was afraid to go to school when he was 5 and had similar issues. What worked for us was building confidence and rewarding him when he got through the tough situation without getting upset. So, maybe try a quick goodbye from you and have Dad take control of the getting in the car and everything. Dad should reward him with something small and fun each step of the way and coach him with encouraging words. Sounds like the goodbye's are too long right now. Make them short and sweet. Simple hug and I love you and off you go with Dad.

Also, mention the "secret" comment to Dad and see what is up with that. I would expect to know (in general) what they did together. And I would give Dad info on what your son has done with you. No secrets and no judgements about what they do together. If he took him rock climbing and you disagree, you'll have to bite your tongue and realize it was Dad's decision...within reason of course! You want him to be safe.

Adding to your other advice, I thought I'd mention that you might consider having a talk with your son about good touch/bad touch. I am not saying that anything inappropriate is going on, but now would be a good time to discuss this stuff (especially with the 'secret' stuff...who knows what that is all about). Plus, this is just a good conversation to have with your child around this age.

We got the book, "I Said NO! A Kid-to-Kid Guide to Keeping Your Private Parts Private" from Amazon and read it to our son when he was about 4. The book has a LOT of information, though, so if you do decide to try it, then I wouldn't do it all at once...break it up.

I would not say anything about dad/brothers when reading this book. This is just an informational book to help your child understand good touch/bad touch. On the off chance that something inappropriate is going on, you have opened up the lines of communication for further discussion.

Like everyone else mentioned, the "it's a secret" part needs to be addressed with both your son and your ex.

The part of your original post that stood out to me was when you told your son, "If I didn't want you here, you wouldn't be here,..." and then you send him off with friends or family. Can you see how that might be interpreted by him? That you have all the power to send him away forever. When you look at your statement above and his dream of you not coming back for him, you can see a connection to his recent behavior. Since the behavior seems to be mostly when he is leaving with his dad, is it possible he's overheard you discuss custody issues?

Just my $.02 worth.

Here is some added information that may help reach a conclusion. When his father is arrives to our place he sends me a text so I know he is outside and on his way up. The minute the doorbell rings he will answer the door and let it shut in his face as he runs away crying or I will answer the door and let him know that it is his dad. In which case he begins crying and either one of us will pick him up and so on from that point. If I drop him off the minute I say goodbye...it begins. I have told his father that he doesn't like being left out of the loop and gets very complicating when he isn't on a schedule. The other reason is because his father says he will show up and doesn't call to say he couldn't make it, he just blows it off. When he was a baby he loved his father he recognized him when he would come by and always seemed to get along right off the bat. When he was 2 his father tried to hide him from everyone and when it did surface, his father came to my house and said he wanted nothing else to do with him. My son came up behind my step dad and I and when his dad walked away to get in his car he said, "daddy". Then he started crying and I sat him down and told him, "Do you know who you have?", and he said his own name. I told him, you have God and mommy and Noni and Papa and a huge list of people,(People who my son has built strong relationships with even at that age.) . I told him, " You are so loved that anyone who doesn't want to be in your life doesn't need to be in your life.". Everyone says he was to young but he sure did have an understanding of what was happening even when the conversation wasn't directed at him.