Grandparents Visit Went Badly

Maybe you could send them a THANK YOU card for helping you move and that you really, really appreciate their help. You could say something about it being a stressful situation with moving and all. You could say that the next time you see them and visit them or they visit you that it will hopefully be a lot less stressful. Then, just drop it and let time pass and I bet things will be back to normal next time you see them.

I have a crazy three year old daughter, she is my wildest. I have four daughters: 8, 7 5 and 3. So, when I read your request I pictured my 3 year old. Because she is very sweet, but she can also get very loud and rough.

My first reaction is what your parents said to her are very reasonable and truthful things. Your mom's quote is true, and it brings another dimension to why your daughter should not do something. It is another thing for her to think about. That not only to not do something because she was told not to, but that there are more reasons, ones in which may give her a reason to step back and think about it. Honestly, no one DOES want to be around a whiny and misbehaved child, it really IS true... and she was referring to the behavior, not the child.

Your dad was right as well. Even though the baby didn't make a sound, hitting an infant is a no-no, even if it wasn't hard or anything. For certain things I give the kids an acroos the board "NO" for iffy situations. Instead of saying you can beat on your baby sibling lightly, but not hard, I'd just say "no hitting at all, even if you don't think it is hurting". Because that way there's no gray area.

...since I've also had four girls that are at or passed the age of 3 (as well as being a nanny.babysitter for 2 other girls at the age of three), and their friends, etc... I can tell you that a 3 year old KNOWS BETTER, and they know exactly what they are doing.

Your methods of discipline sound reasonable, but perhaps with the knowledge that she DOES understand things that you previously gave her slack on could help you.

As for the visit. Stuff like that happens. I know what you mean about feeling terrible after the visit. I could easily see myself doing the same thing as you, and I'd feel bad as well. I don't think you were awful at all, it just sounds like you are stressed out by all the changes as well! ...and rightly so. I'd let the dust settle for a few days then give your parents a call. Just say you were stressed out, thank them for coming and then talk about the fun times you had together when they visited. Also, if you still feel bad, don't forget that Father's day is coming soon and you can get your dad something to make sure he knows that you appreciate him.

No worries, time will heal, and it isn't a big deal in the first place.

You know what they say: Fish and company stink after 3 days.

As for your Dad: It sounds to me like you did overreact. Your 3y was hitting your 9m. Your Dad was trying to protect your youngest from what he felt was harmful. I think you let your childhood memories at his voice and tone cloud your reaction. How would you have felt had you walked into the room with your Dad just sitting there saying nothing as your 3y hit on your 9m? You probably would've been angry with him for sitting by and NOT saying something.

As for your Mom: While hearing phrases like that being said to your child, they are true. It may have been her way of trying to talk your 3y into stopping her behavior without physically moving her or putting her in time out.

While I understand your 'mama bear' coming out, you were NOT in the room when these things happened. You didn't see it. You heard it. Many times what we hear is worst then what we see. Two weeks is a long time to be around visitors. Add a move and a new daycare, and everyone becomes stressed to the limits. Having a disagreement here and there is natural.

What can you do now? I would send them some flowers or a Harry & Davids gift basket saying 'Thanks for help!' Or 'Thank you coming to help get us settled.'.

I don't think it's one or the other (you being blind or your parents being overly harsh), I think it's somewhere in the middle. From what I gathered from your post, I don't think your parents were being too harsh with your daughter. In my opinion, structure & boundaries need to be firmer when a young child is transitioning, not looser. It gives them a sense of security, knowing what to expect in a world that seems completely unpredictable to them. Transitioning is hard on kids, but not as hard as us parents like to believe. I think we use it as a way to rationalize bad behavior sometimes. Bad behavior is bad behavior regardless of the circumstances. I can't go off on a co-worker, for example, just because I'm pregnant and hormonal. We have to learn that at some point, right? So yes, I do think you are being blind in a sense. But not so blind that it takes anything away from the good, loving mother that you are. ALL mothers are blind to an extent. None of us wants to believe that there are problems, and at the end of the day, she IS a three-year-old, and in my experience (two daughters), three is by far the WORST age behavior-wise.

If it were me, I would tighten the reigns. She needs to know that the whiny, tantrum and attention-getting behavior won't be tolerated. But that's my style. What works for me might not work for you. And the same is true for your parents. What works for you might not work for them. It doesn't make them wrong. They didn't do anything to harm your child.

My advice? Call them and apologize. I don't think it was necessary to say what you said. My Mom has a much different parenting style than I do, but when we're at her house, I let her do her thing. We follow her rules. My kids aren't worse off for it, but they do get to experience a different structure, which can only be a good thing. After all, being flexible in the world and learning to deal with all kinds only makes us better people.

Call & apologize for what you said, and tell them how much you appreciated & enjoyed their visit.

Whoa. Slow down, way down.

The key thing here: Your daughter was hit with new home, new school AND the grandparents thrust into this strange new environment. She was overwhelmed, probably all day every day of their visit. It's over and done with now, but I think the initial problem was inviting them there at all. Sure the help unpacking is nice, but their being there, even with the best intentions and even if previous interactions with your daughter were great, was a stressor for her. She was acting up and acting out (as she was doing at the new preschool -- it's too bad that your dad had to hear about that from the teacher when it should have been you hearing it. I would fully expect a kid her age in a new preschool and new home to have some rough days and misbehavior at first, but granddad may not get that.)

If it had been me, I would have interevened when your mom told your daughter a stream of "no one will want to be with you" talk. Think for a minute: Which was really the thing that will stick with your child more and be more hurtful: Grandma saying no one will want to be around her, or grandpa telling her to stop hitting her infant sibling? The former, not the latter, I suspect. But you intervened with grandpa and not grandma. Again, it's done now, but what is there in your relationship with your mom that you didn't just go in and remove your daughter and tell your mom, "I'll deal with it"?

Call your folks and just say simply: You really did appreciate their help. Your daughter had just moved AND changed schools AND had two additional adults tryiing to discipline her, and you see now that it was just a very tough tiime for her and she was acting out. Tell them you will have them back soon at a time when she is more settled and acting like herself. Say that she had not adjusted yet to everything being so new when they were there. And then drop it! Don't get into it, don't defend her, don't make excuses. She was overwhelmed, you were overwhelmed, it's over.

I think it's overreacting to worry that you are ignoring her bad behavior or that she is going to be in any ongoing trouble at school. Focus back on her (the move has surely distracted you, yes?) and it's going to be fine. Be sure in the future that your folks' visits are (1) shorter and (2) at times when everything is normal, familiar and on schedule for your children. Remember, your daughter was used to you being there to take her to the old school, (right?) so the new school plus grandma/grandpa taking her only added to her feeling that EVERYthing was different. Kids her age don't like different. Now let it all go and learn the lesson for next time. If your folks bring it up and harp on her behavior - just repeat, it was a stressful time, we probably should have waited a few weeks before you came, she is doing better, thanks for the help.

15 days is an awful long time for anyone to stay at someone's home. Let alone help with the kids and moving. They must have been very over tired, worn out,and stressed. It probably wasn't an easy situation or transition for anyone, and they probably just were done with the whole thing. I'd imagine that if my parents were at my home for that long of a time, that someone's feelings would be hurt by the end of the visit.

I would give you all some time. AS far as your children go, they are also transitioning, and change can be hard. I'd imagine that is why she is acting up more then usual. Don't beat yourself up over this. It was a long visit, and everyone is tired. Try to work on your new living situation and your children's feelings and behaviors. When everyone has cooled down, I would write your parents a HUGE thank you card for helping you out, and let them know that things did get out of hand,and things were said, etc. Let them know they were appreciated. That will go along way.

I don't really understand - your dad was afraid of you when you were a kid? He doesn't want the baby to be afraid of his/her sister like he was afraid of you? Not getting it.

I don't think that your father did anything wrong. He saw a 3 year old hitting a 9 month old baby and put a stop to it. The comment "what are you thinking?" isn't probably appropriate for a 3 year old, but it wasn't mean or abusive.

It kind of sounds like you are blind to the 3 year olds behavior. Granted, with all the changes, some acting out is expected, but just because you know the root cause and expect it, doesn't make it okay and it still needs to be addressed.

Why do you allow your 3 year old to hit the baby? Right now the baby isn't protesting, but the longer it goes on, the harder she will hit. Besides, do you want to let your 3 year old think that hitting her sibling, especially in the back, is okay?

You may be letting the year old "discover her independence" to her detriment and to the detriment of the baby.

I think you owe your dad an apology and he should be thanked for stopping the 3 year old's attack on the baby!

Well, I don't believe that your parents were wrong or out of line at all. It sounds like they were really gentle and caring with your 3 year old. In fact, I'm shocked that you're criticizing your father for trying to gently discipline your daughter for disobeying him while she continued to try to hurt the baby. Really?

Then you have your daughter's teacher who is having the SAME issues with her that your parents are having with her.

Look... we all love our children. We all like to think of them as perfect angels but let's face it, they're not. They know how to play us. I do think that you need to lighten up on your parents and tighten up the discipline and expectations from your daughter EVEN THOUGH and ESPECIALLY BECAUSE you're all having a difficult transition. There will always be special circumstances or exceptions to excuse bad behavior. You can't accommodate that. It's a good time to teach your daughter that how she behaves in difficult times is the real test of character.

I say this as a mother to a child with Autism Spectrum Disorder and another child with ADHD and ODD. We have our behavior challenges constantly. No excuses ever allowed or it would be one big lifelong excuse for poor behavior.

You are all dealing with so much right now! I felt stressed and overwhelmed just reading about it lol.

Your daughter sounds perfectly normal. What you described is typical behavior for a child so young in a stressful situation. Kids don't like change and her little world was turned upside down. I am sure she will settle into a new routine. Good luck!

Don't feel bad AT ALL. :)

You drew a boundary - a good and healthy one. Your actions said "I trust you to discipline my kid, but if I feel it's overboard I'll step in."

That's great - I strive to be exactly THAT parent.

But you stepped on your dad's toes. Yes - it could have been phrased without including him "I don't want DD to be scared of you." But it didn't, and that's ok. It sounds like you apologized.

But you still feel guilty. Maybe a little scared like when you were little? That's ok and normal. You just exercised a muscle (boundary making) with a person you've likely never set boundaries with (dad). He's a big boy - it'll be fine. You didn't insult him or call him names - you simply stated a truth that he may not be ready to admit to.

From here forward - keep your boundaries. Just like with kids, if you don't stay consistent, your parents (like your kids) will push back to see if you were serious or just having a childhood flashback.

You do not need to reemphasize that you're serious. It's not the time now. The next opportunity will be the next visit. Maybe next time try the interaction by stating the problem, and not how it personally relates back in time.

But no - you in no way were insulting to your dad.

You're doing awesome, mom. Keep up the good work! :)

15 days was a long visit especially when everyone is going through such an adjustment.
It's tough enough just being 3 but with all the moving and new daycare it's to be expected he's not going to be on his best behavior all the time.
I think your folks forgot what terrible 3's were like and they didn't take well to the refresher course.
The visit is over, and it was what it was.
No point in stressing about it now.
It will blow over.

Hi J.,

Your daughter just turned 3, and we all know what 3 year-olds can be like even without all of the changes she's had in the last nine months: a new sibling; a new house; a new school; new kids to get to know; new routine; and then grandparents in the mix during the transition.

That would be enough to make me melt down. She's three. She'll be fine. Let her have some time to adjust. Deal with hitting and similar behaviors quickly and with firm consequences.

As for your dad, this kind of stuff just happens with parents, especially during extended visits. Also, you're a *relatively* new parent (in the scheme of your lifespan with your parents), and it sounds like part of this is just establishing your authority as the parent to your children with your mom and dad.

Let it be with your dad, for now. You said you had a chance to talk a little. Now, let that settle in with him, and give yourself some time for your "sick feeling" to work its way out. You just have to sit with this feeling for bit because this was truly upsetting, so you can't pretend it and the resulting feelings didn't happen. The feelings won't last forever, but you can use them and this experience to learn and grow in your relationship with your dad.

You can love and be loving to your parents AND set boundaries and limits with them. It just takes some time and experience to do this.

Best to you and your family.

J. F.

When my family visits, it usually is for an extended period of time. Over time I realized that those visit can be pretty stressful. Usually there is a lack of private time for everyone including the children, there is some pressure to somewhat entertain the visitors and there is just a general disruption of our routines. Add the move and the new environment to the mix and you have a situation that is very stressful for everyone. Also, if your parents don't deal with little children anymore on a regular basis, it may be an adjustment and quite difficult for them to be around them 24/7. I know that my relatives who aren't around children a lot have a hard time getting used to all the ruckus those little angles can cause.

Maybe you were a bit hard on your parents or maybe they were a bit hard on your kids. It doesn't matter. Call them, apologize (even if it was not necessarily your fault), explain that you and the children are bit stressed out with the move and the new environment and that you realize things didn't go so well. Thank them for helping out during this chaotic time. Then just let it go.

Hi J., cut yourself some slack!! And for the record, I would have put an end to what your mom was saying also. I would just have told them that we are all having a rough time with this transition and to please keep your comments to yourself we are trying to settle into a new life and new environment, and you are here too - which is not the norm. Lots of kids act that way when things are topsy-turvy, and as long as it isn't a way of life, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just give your kid some extra love and attention, and I'm sure she will settle down. And tell your day care worker to not discuss your daughters behavior with anyone but you, no matter who picks her up. And maybe you can send your parents a thank you card for coming and helping, and mention what I said above, that you all are trying to get settled and it was a rough patch for a few weeks, and leave it at that. Don't feel guilty for trying to be a good mom, and for having a kid that doesn't behave perfectly every day. We have all gone through it. Try to have a good day!!

A long visit like that is always hard with everyone getting on everyone else's nerves after a while. That said, I think you overreacted. You obviously have some negative feelings about your dad from childhood that may be colouring how you judge his behaviour. Grandparents need some freedom to develop a relationship that is different from yours. That may include being more strict than you always want them to be. Kids do very well with a range of styles. I would consider apologizing to your dad.

When my mom has to get on my kid for something, he gets in MORE trouble when I hear about it. This is the way it has always been. Make things better with your dad and apologize. It's not like he took the belt to her or anything. From what you posted, I think you overreacted. I understand she is transitioning, but that's not an excuse for unacceptable behavior ever.

J.,
First,let me say,having a 9mos old and a 3yr old has be hard.Now,lets add the stress of moving into not only a new house,but a new town,school ect...Its a transition for everyone,not to mention your daughter is not used to your parents being with you guys for so long..I think she is lashing out because she doesnt know how to express her emotions.I also think it might have hard on your parents who also have not spent time with young children everday like that in a long time...they dont have the patience they used to.Let some time go,she will adjust.Its got to be hard having a new baby too!!!!As far as your parents,just call them up and say"hey,thank you for all your help,I think we all just need to adjust and I know these past couple weeks were hard on all of us especially(your daughter)so no hard feelings on my end"if thats how you feel anyway.I know you got alittle flash back of the past,but theyre home now and its over.They helped you out(big time)and it probably wont happen again.Take it for what it was worth (a leg up) and keep it movin.Your daughter will do fine,it takes time

Sounds like a lot going on, to me.
Huge transition of moving household.
Big change in daycare--not just a new one, but one very different with different expectations.
And your parents are seeing your daughter as "older" as compared to the "baby". That is very common when a new sibling comes along. Suddenly, the child who was so young, seems so much older... and really, they aren't. But we have much higher expectations because they are seen compared to someone younger.

Add to all of that, that your parents were in your home for 2 weeks, participating in drop-offs with daycare (another "change" in lifestyle habits)... and it just is a LOT of changes for your 3 yr old.

I would not worry too much about your daughter just yet. Continue to be firm and follow the "rules" about expectations in behavior. Don't start changing your disciplinary tactics or anything else on her right now. Give her some time to adjust. And I would talk to the daycare as well, and make sure they are aware of all the changes over the past few weeks: A move, followed 2 weeks later by grandparents taking over part of the discipline at home/drop-offs with daycare, followed by grandparents leaving... etc.

As for your relationship with your Dad... I don't know what to say about that. You didn't really go into your relationship with him, or your childhood issues. But I will say, that the first time you really stand up to a parent is the hardest. Try not to overthink it. We all say things that come out "wrong" sometimes. But that doesn't mean it will permanently damage your relationship. It might even be a positive in the long run.

too long a visit, too much stress. hard on everybody.
of course you make things better with your dad. your parents didn't do anything terrible, and your dad was perfectly right to step in when the older child was (potentially) hurting the baby. your mom didn't discipline your daughter just as you do. she's a different person. if you want her to do exactly what you want, you have to discuss it with her beforehand. it's okay to be very firm about your parents adhering to your parenting philosophy, but you have to let them in on what that is, not nail them in the middle of a tense situation. and you do have to lighten up enough to understand and allow them to have a different relationship with your kids than you do, and than your own childhood was.
your parents were there to support you and help you, and you hurt them. is it understandable? of course. but you still have the responsibility to fix it. and i'm sure you can.
and keep future visits shorter.
khairete
S.

Sounds like everyone is tired from the move, unpacking and new house and
new daycare. Everyone needs to recognize this, catch your breath and
start fresh next visit.

The next time they come to visit it will be a lot less stressful. When you tell your kids grandma and granddad are coming make a big deal out of how fun it's going to be for them to visit. Do not mention anything about it.

Moving is stressful for everyone, even them coming and staying away from their home so many days. Tempers flare, everyone expects it.

If, IF, I wanted to talk to dad voice to voice I would pick up the phone when little one is napping and other little one is at school. I would start out by apologizing for the words you said. You may have meant them but he's your dad and deserves respect. He should not be yelling at a child but if she was hitting it did not matter, he stepped in where he thought he saw a possible injury about to happen.

If they didn't love your family they would not have been there for you. They would have stayed a couple of day to help unload then left.

Let it be water under the bridge. You can choose to clear the air or let it be in the past.

Next time there is a visit just be the loving daughter you have always been and have a good time.

It sounds like you are at ease with your three-year old's behavior. It does sound like to me, for my personal standard of nipping bad habits ESPECIALLY at three, I would personally be employing more discipline to these situations (many people wouldn't though, you are correct). I always made very sure pre-school behavior was good (by being consistent at home-kids are usually BETTER around others than at home), and always got good reports. We've been through lots of trauma and upheaval too, but parenting takes first priority, and that includes discipline in the most formative years-to me, personally, everyone is different, some people think the youngest years are for letting kids off easy for everything (not saying that's you). We definitely skipped all the counting and talking about not hearing whining stuff and went right to effective discipline to keep discipline to a minimum int he big picture. That way I could give kids MORE freedom as they grew to kindergarten age rather than trying to rein in bad habits.

BUT. I'm with you, I would also not want my parents throwing in their two cents or saying harsh things that kids really can't process. For example, everything your mom said was based on sort of "shaming" your daughter about the behavior, rather than giving a calm, clear explanation of what wasn't allowed and a consequence. Kids learn REALLY quickly with that, and no shaming or yelling is necessary...but we were firmer than time outs in the twos and had little of that to worry about at three. But that's BESIDE the point, because to me, grandparents have no business enforcing consequences anyway, unless they are care taking regularly when parents aren't home. So. Without the "teeth" to actually discipline your daughter, there is no excuse for them to just be crabby at her and make empty, angry suggestions of how she should act. Your dads yelling? That's so "old man impatience from his generation". My dad does the same thing and even admits he's never seen kids as well-behaved as mine. He just doesn't have patience, never has.

In my case, I just vow not to let the grandparents (both my husband's parents and mine) annoy me. We rarely see them, and none of their comments or actions will permanently damage the kids. Amazingly, the kids still adore them. I'm confident with my own parenting, so I don't sweat it.

Yes, lots of three year olds do the things your daughter is. Yes, it's all considered "developmentally appropriate" by the experts these days. You don't have to worry about what other people's standards are for their kids if you feel your daughter is confident, happy, and growing into being a nice child (three is old enough to know that for sure). If you ever feel like you could use a little more control over your daughter's behavior, and you want her to be more self-motivated to "be nice" this book is really great. Starting young prevents SO much tough stuff later for 4, 5 and 6 year olds who really can get nasty in some cases. "Back to Basics Discipline" by Janet Campbell Matson.

So for your parents, I would let this blow over. They are from a different time, and they are not raising your child. if you really cannot tolerate certain things they do, just nicely spell it out. I wouldn't attack their parenting of you again though unless you have deep seated issues from an abusive background you need to get over, and then you may want to get a therapist involved. If you basically feel you've had a good life and love your parents, I would apologize to your dad and acknowledge you're parenting differently and tell him you need your space to do that without criticism.

Yes, parents today are a lot nicer than our parents were. But kids sure aren't.

I know you are trying your best but for me, it sounds like you are a bit blind to your child's behavior and are making excuses for it. When a kid breaks an arm they adapt by using the other one. I think this applies to a change of environment. If you're stressed with both kids and the changes, give yourself a break and come back with a less heavy load on your shoulders. Kids need disciplining from us, not light coaching. I've never spanked my kids but I am stern and tough and other parents admire my children since they were toddlers. I speak with an iron tongue and even at 3, they got what I was saying.

Also, my parents raised me the same way, to fear them if I acted out which carried on through puberty and adolescence. And I thank them for it when I'm complimented on being a kind, polite and well spoken person. You sound like your upbringing was similar, so embrace it.