Grandparents Told Our Kids Not to Tell Us About...

I would talk to them about the secret thing. But in terms of letting your children stay overnight, I wouldn't do it. In a round about way, they are teaching your children to not respect you. This kind of thing happened with my child's grandparents. I decided it wasn't worth getting into with them. I just want my child to be raised in a certain way. We go together to visit. Call me controlling, but he's my child. If anyone is going to mess it up, I want it to be me.

M.,

First, calm down! Grandma was not trying to be sneaky in the manner of wich you think, I know my grandmother was always telling us "dont tell this or that" older folks (that generation) somehow think in total terms of "what you dont know cant hurt you" I am absoultly positive grandma just wanted to keep the peace. TALK TO the grandparents, explaine your feelings openly, explain the situation they placed your little guy in, as I can assure you THEY HAVE NO IDEA! And while you "do" forgive and let go, be sure to remember, the only thing in life we can not replace is our "family" everything else is "nothing"

Best of luck,

C. :-)

HI M.. well, tough situation you've got going on here. I agree with you, I dont think it would be appropriate for you to mandate whom they have for company, if any. But, under no circumstances is it ok for ANY ONE to tell your children to keep secrets from their parents. I would talk to your inlaws (hopefully if you can find a sitter for the kids, that would be the best because you dont want them to think that it was their fault- even though it wasnt) and lay it on the line--tell them that you dont care whom they have over, it's not your home so you will make no notion about that, how ever it is not appropriate for them to tell your children such ill-advise. and that you are not ok with that. and let them know, if this is something that becomes a recurrence, it may affect them sleepovers that they share with the kids now. .. hope it doesn't sound too tough, but they need to udnerstand that they are crossing pertinent boundaries when it comes to the trust and bond between you and your kiddos. Hope it ends well.

B.

I agree with you. No one should tell your kids to keep a secret from you. Your poor kids, it was probably very stressful for them. I would have your husband explain to his parents that because they told the kids to lie to you the kids will not be visiting them unsupervised. I would still take them to see grandma and grandpa but don't leave them alone with them.

Bernstine bears has a cute book for kids about strangers, it would be fine for a 3 yr old and its not scary. We have a no seceret rule at our house. It is hard with gifts because you want the gift to be a suprise, but we don't make a big deal about not telling whats in a package, because we don't want it to ever be ok not to tell mom and dad something. Additionaly if my daughter (age 5) does something wrong and tells us we really make a big deal about how wonderful it was that she told us the truth and did not keep a secret.

But no one is allowed to say "you can't tell anyone about this" Its not the job of a kid to keep a the bad thing someone else is doing a secret. Grandma knew you would not want the kids at this party and she had them come to the party and then made it the kids responsibility to cover up her wrong doing and bad behavior. That is not someone I would want alone with my kids, she has no respect for you or your wishes and she disregards what you want for your kids and she had no problem putting your kids in a position to lie to their own parents. It would really make me mad too. but I think your Husband is the one to talk to them because they are his parents.

Hi M.,

First off, I will agree with you, that it is not right to allow anyone to keep secrets from mom and dad....ever!

But, let's not get ahead of ourselves. It's obvious your hubby and his sister are having their problems. Your MIL knows about how your hubby would feel if SHE talked about his sister, so she doesn't around you guys.

It's probably innocent, and she said "let's not tell" to the kids so they wouldn't upset their daddy because grandma was having a relationship with his sister. Of course she's going to have a relationship with her, it's her daughter!

Now, unless your SIL has done something to your children to bruise the relationship, then I see no harm in your children knowing your SIL and seeing her on occassion. So, just because you and your hubby have issue's with her, don't let their kids NOT know their family because of it. They'll make their own choices about their familiy when they are adults.

I do think you or your husband need to talk to your in-laws. But I think you should hold back your anger. Tell them your son was told to keep a secret from you, and you don't want anyone to teach him that in today's world. Ask her, if he learns to keep secrets over this little issue, then how is he supposed to tell me a much bigger secret (say from a predator)....no secrets from mommy and daddy.

I bet your MIL had no idea something ike this would ever happen. I bet this is whole thing is blown out of control. And when you call your in-laws.....I bet your mother-in-law is going to THINK you're upset because of the BD Party with their Auntie. She probably has no idea it's about "keeping secrets"......

Go easy on her.......as least this way, she might still babysit for you :O) Just kidding....

~N. :O)

WOW!!! I would definately handle this situation with care. I can understand why you would be upset about this as I would if I were in your position. Had you found out some other way about this, I would say go ahead and let the parents know what you think and how you feel about this, but since your son told you, (and I assume that you want him to tell you things in the future), I think that it needs to be handled with extreme caution. You don't want your son to feel that he is to blame for a big blow up in the family because he told you something. Of course not being involved it is really easy for me to say what I would do, but I think this would be it.....I just would make other arrangements for my kids next time that we were going somewhere and would no longer leave them unsupervised with your husbands parents. You don't have to tell them that you are doing that or make a big stink, just conveniently have other plans if she invites them over or something. I am sure that eventually she will ask what the deal is and by then, your emotions will have calmed down and you can tell her calmly why they won't be going over there anymore.... They should know better than to put your children in that position, and there is really no reason for them to not tell you about it. Who cares really? You don't want to be there for it anyways. The problem is that she is being dishonest, and that is what I would tell her. The problem is not that the sister was there. but like I said, I would be sure that your son doesn't feel like he can't tell you things anymore because they are going to cause a huge problem, and if it does blow up into a big situation, I think that you should sit down with your son and make sure that he knows that he did the right thing! even if it doesn't blow up I think that you should be sure to tell him that. I always want my kids to be able to come to me with their problems or concerns and be able to speak to me with honesty knowing that they will not be in trouble.....

Hello M.,

You're situation is complicated, but you're son handled it really well!
Even though it sounds like it took a toll on the little guy. I'd follow his lead.
As difficult as it may be for all those involved, I'd be truthful and up front with the kids, with the grandparents, and with the SIL. Your five year old already knows that sometime is up, and it's time someone told him he truth about it, he's probably getting very anxious wondering. I'm suggesting that if there is a secret you two are trying to shelter the kids from, I'd get rid of that one first - especially with the five year old. Does he know that his father and sister are upset with one another and don't want to be together right now (you can leave out the anger and the blame and still let him in on the truth if he's in the dark about what's going on)? and that this is likely the reason that Grandma keeps inserting auntie into many of their visits, and that she probably wants to make sure he knows his aunt, but that she shouldn't have lied about it and should not have asked him to lie to you about it, and you'll explain to her that she doesn't have to, and that you think he's very mature and are so proud you could burst, and that everything is okay.
If he really loves going to his grandparents, and you don't think there's any other danger present there or with your SIL's visits, then don't take those visits away from your son for telling you the truth. If you feel that something else is going on, and they aren't safe with any of these people, and you're son and kids don't like being there, then by all means, don't let em stay.
You and your husband together (preferably with you husband in the lead) should sit down with his folks and tell them that you've been aware of the visits with SIL and that it has made you uncomfortable in the past and that you should have spoken to them then but didn't want to make a big deal and let the opportunity pass. Then explain, that your son seemed to be under a great deal of stress and anxiety when you picked him up and finally when you asked him why he was so upset, he told you about being asked to keep a secret from you. Explain that this is the most important thing to you and why. If you've decided to let the kids return to their grandparents place, ask them to not hide what they will be doing from you - explain that you will try to be understanding and fair - but that you want to get rid of the idea of secrets from anybody because they are harmful for everyone, but especially for the children.
His folks may be defensive, but keep talking rationally and calmly and if in the end you can all make an agreement that's honest, move on.
Finally - and you may hate this suggestion - but if you're sister in law is not present at the conversation, or if you don't have a similar one with her, you've still got a secret going, or she still has a secret going, or there's still something lurking in the shadows that could rear its ugly head in the future.
You're five year old really has the answer. TELL.

Good Luck, A

Hi M.,

I am sorry that you are in this position. I suggest that you give your children TONS of praise for telling you and let them know they are NOT in trouble for telling the truth. Let them know that it was wrong of grandma and grandpa to ask them to keep a secret from you. Let them know they will not get in trouble with grandma and grandpa and that you will talk to them about what happened-- that they don't have to worry about it anymore. With that said.... the grandparents did something really shady and horrible. To ask children to keep secrets from their parents is unthinkable!I would confront them and ask them what happened and why your children were told to "not tell mom or dad".Tell them exactly how you feel and that you won't tolerate this behavior again. For them to lie to your face about they didn't do much, just hung out etc. wasn't ok and I would ask them how they are prepared to make things right again. I would start by having grandma personally apologize to your children for asking them to lie and keep a secret that she was wrong and she isn't angry with them for telling-that it was good for them to tell you. From now on, I would limit visits to times when you can be present and only when your children are comfortable to be around them again. She put them in a very uncomfortable position and so they should be able to choose when they want to see them again. Sorry for the long post-- Good luck and let us know what you decide to do.

Molly

Dear M.,
I hope you will get some good suggestions about books, etc.
I told my children from the time they were very, very little that if anyone tells them they can't tell me something....that is the FIRST thing they need to do. I told them that people know it's not right to say that to little kids, and if they do, then Mom REALLY needs to know.
I also taught them there is a difference between a secret and a surprise. "We're not going to tell Sissy we bought her slippers for her birthday because she's going to open her present and it will be a surprise. THEN you can tell her about how we looked until we found just the right ones. We're not keeping secrets from her, we're just waiting until she opens her present."
My ex-husband new very well that my son would blab anything he was told not to tell me, so instead, he would make up a story for my son to tell me. And my son would do it, but after his dad left, he would tell me the story wasn't true. So, he definitely knew the difference between the story and the way things really happened. And he knew it wasn't right for his dad to make up a story.
You know, your mother in law can do whatever she wants at her house. You've never said anything different. But, I would talk to her and tell her that you are seriously concerned about her looking you right in the face and never mentioning something that occured at her house after telling your kids not to tell either. She is their grandmother. She should be setting a good example for your kids, not lying to you right in front of them. And yes, there is such a thing as lying by ommission. You certainly don't want to teach a child that just not saying anything isn't the same as lying. Yes it is...and this is a perfect example of that.
You already know your sister in law goes over there, who cares if they have a party for her? Why is that something your kids can't tell you? If they're supposed to keep something like a party a secret, what kind of SERIOUS things will they be asked not to tell you? That's what you should ask your mother in law.
If she says something like, "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be mad", tell her it's not the party. It's involving your kids in the "secret". And if she was going to do something she knew would make you mad, maybe she shouldn't have done it with your kids there. If they're going to do something the kids can't tell you, there are two choices:
A) They don't do it
B) They do it without the kids present

Hypothetical:
"Kids, don't tell anyone I smoke cigarettes".
If I don't want anyone to know, then I shouldn't be doing it in front of kids and putting it on them not to tell anybody.

Definitely talk to your mother in law. I would be furious, but try to stay calm about it when you talk to her. And, be sure to praise your son for telling you the truth.

I hope you get it worked out.
Best of wishes!

Dear M.,

“For reasons irrelevant to my question, my husband and his sister are not on speaking terms and she has nothing to do with us, nor we with her family”.

Big piece missing from this story…something that may be relevant. However, your husband must tell his parents if they are planning to see his sister when your children will be present, you and he want to know in advance.

It is wrong to ask children to keep secrets from their parents unless they are being abused by their parents, which does not appear to be the case.

When there is a rift in the family, especially among siblings, it puts a terrible strain on parents who love their children equally.

On the other hand, if your sister-in-law, her husband and/or children are drunken, drugged out child molesting crazy people types, one can see why you would not want your children in their company.

So, what’s the bottom line here? Seems like you have allowed your children to spend time with their grandparents on a regular basis. Is it possible to repair the family rift?

Blessings…..

Is there any reason a relationship with your SIL would be harmful to your kids? If not (and this is just me) I'd let them have one! and I'd tell Grandma point blank that it's fine and to stop telling the kids to lie. And again , just me but I'd have the conversation in front of the kids so they know they didn't do anything wrong and to (hopefully) prevent Grandma from spouting excuses.

Hello M.,
For me its lying and your inlaws are teaching children at such a young age its ok. I understand the situation with your husband and his sister, however, they could have done a party another day/weeekend and not involve the kids in the issue. By them doing this they have taken innocent children who don't understand and put then into adult situation and keeping things from you and your husband. What is that teaching them for growing up into an adult? I would be livid. Its almost as if they had planned this. It couldn't have been last minute. Its wrong in every way. If they came right out and said to you, we had your sister over and had a little party for her bday and be done with it, then the children wouldn't be in the middle of it. If your son is acting strange at such a young age that would be a big concern to me. He is showing signs of being uncomfortable and he doesn't feel good about keeping things from you. That is a big red light shinning. I would have to ask myself. what else is going on at their house if they are telling your children to keep things from you. They are learning it is ok to lie,and better yet to family members. This will later be your problem when they lie about other things growing up, like drugs, sex etc. They don't have this right to decide what they you can or can't say to you. That is just my take on it. Being at the grandparents house is suppose to be a fun and exciting time for your kids. Not being pressured and lying to their parents. Its unhealthy and they need to be taken away from that and you and your husband need to lay some ground rules or cut it off.

I would think your inlaws need to be taught how this process works becuase they are acting like chilren. So we have children watching children at this rate.

Good luck
SAHM/zombie 40yrs old with 2 funny little boys. 3.5yrs and 13 months. Im always running at the speed of light with them.

I disagree with the idea that the grandparents had no idea what they were doing, telling your kids to keep a secret was a choice they made, and it was not a good one. You have every right to speak to them about it. Especially since you say you have never made a deal about it, and have actually never made them choose between the daughter and the grandkids. Try to stay calm, and clear, and keep openness as your goal.

As for your kids/son -- they did great, they told you. Remind them that they did nothing wrong, that having a secret that makes them feel bad or nervous is one that should be told. I think you can talk about secrets based on his experience, think about how it feels when you have a secret about a birthday present (fun, excited, etc) vs how this one made him feel. You don't have to get into scary specifics of bad things that could happen, just remind him how much better he felt after sharing this bad secret with you. And don't worry that you lost your chance to bring it up, I am a huge fan of "I've been thinking about this the last few days and wanted to talk about it some more because I think it's important..."

So sorry you are in this position! Yes, a heart to heart, that can be done CALMLY in an adult manner would be best. They obviously are so uncomfortable with a reaction from your husband and you, perhaps how you react when finding out Auntie Unwelcome comes over that they felt they had to keep it secret. I think you need to tell them that she is their daughter and you hold nothing against them for acknowledging that! However, that being said, let them know that you would have liked to know ahead of time so you could have the kids make her a present as they probably don't have a problem with her. They want everyone to be happy, so while forgiving them this fault, let them know how your son reacted, how hurt he was being told not to tell the people he trusts most in this world about an exciting party. Yes, your in-laws lied, that is wrong and they do know it. But if you just shy away and don't let the kids go there and beging not speaking it will cause a bigger problem in the future. You need to address it in a civil manner and allow them to apologize for their actions. But make it a safe environment for them.

If you don't want Auntie to visit the kids, then you have a choice to make, but if she isn't a danger to the kids, you really should encourage their relationship, it may help your husband get back into speaking terms with his own sister. You certainly wouldn't want your son to hate your other child, how difficult it must be for the in-laws.

Try to see their perspective, examine your own reactions/motives and handle this, don't let it go, but be a person worthy of trust and respect.

Take care!
D.

Since you already knew that the sister was coming around and seeing your kids during those times they were at Grannie's place, I wonder why Grannie thought that the birthday party needed to be a secret...Makes me wonder if there is even more to the story.
I completely agree that telling your kids to keep secrets from you--or keep secrets from anyone, really (unless it is about a nice surprise like a gift that is coming to someone) is totally unacceptable. Anxiety, confusion, guilt, dishonesty... it's very damaging!
Work out what exactly the two of you might say to the grandparents, to make it clear to them that this was very harmful to your kids and to your family as a whole---before you actually have the conversation.
After you talk to them, if you think they just "don't get it", and they might do it again, limit the time your kids spend with them. Since your husband already has an estranged sibling, it's a shame there is conflict with his remaining family. You may lose some free babysitting time, and they will protest...but you should not leave your kids with people you can't trust.
We had to do something similar (distancing our kids from someone), and it took about a year, but the person in question finally backed off from the problem behavior, and things seem better now.

My in-laws told my sons (5 and 2) to keep a secret from us when we went out to dinner one night. (we live out of town, went for a week long visit and had a "date night"). well, to put it mildly, we were pretty mad. My husband said something to them the next night & everyone was present (me, the kids, both in-laws). He basically told them that he didn't want ANYONE to tell the kids to keep secrets from us, keeping secrets is wrong, etc. and then later told his parents privately that molesters, etc use "secrets" etc... to win kids' trust.

the in-laws took it well & apologized. i think they took it better hearing it from my husband than they would have from me, so your husband may have to do the talking. they can ignore you & think you are over reacting, but not him.

not sure what to tell you about the sister & the party. perhaps they were trying to repair the rift in the family? perhaps planned it before you set the date for a sleepover, perhaps they did it out of spite... i'd limit the sleepovers until i found out.

Sounds to me like you are putting the grandparents in an untenable position--- if they want to see your kids, they have to chase their daughter away. That's not fair of you. Whatever your reason is for not speaking to your sister in law, you can't expect her parents to join in. I agree that it's usually not OK to tell kids to keep secrets from their parents, but this is somewhat different. You put the grandparents in the position of having to either cancel your kids' visit, or cancel their daughter's birthday party.

I really dislike my sister in law, too, but in order to keep peace in the family, I just greet her cordially at family events, and then I don't waste any further time on her. Works better than being actively "at war."