How to Deal with In-law Guilt

Really, can you blame them? When we were home, even before we had a child, we committed one evening a week to his parents, and it worked wonderfully. That is what I'd try to do, schedule one day a week (or evening) to spend with them. If that won't work, atleast try every other. If you are trying to give them a reasonable amount of time and they are just pushing it, you don't have to let them in the house! That's what my friends always told me! Good luck, let me know what works!

They should move closer. Once a month is never enough for grandparents. They should visit as much as they like, but you shouldn't be required to go there often because it's harder to travel with a baby. Take care, C.

J. - you need to get to the bottom of why you are unhappy with them seeing your new baby at that frequency. Get to the truth, the deep down truth. Don't try to be noble and sound right. Be honest with yourself and be honest with your husband (and possibly apologetic to your husband). Just because you're feeling something doesn't mean it has to be indulged. Keep in mind that your hormones are doing some crazy things right now - and that is not an excuse for any inexcusable behavior but your emotional imbalance (that I think we ALL have after delivering and yes for many months) is not to be forgotten.

Remember that you can do damage to your relationship with your husband if you don't act in love towards his parents. While damage in relationships is usually repairable, it's nicer if you don't have to.

God loves you, your husband, your new baby, and your husband parents, and He loves all of you more deeply and more truly than you or any of us can comprehend. God cares deeply about your relationship with your husband. I hope you can tap into this grace and love from God.

Hope all the best for you and that you get it worked out gloriously!

Hi J..
I agree with you. For now, at least, 1 time per month for grandparents who live 3 hours away should be sufficient. (And, this from a mother of 3 and grandmother of 2.) Unfortunately, your husband is going to have to step in and speak to his parents. His position will need to be 'we would prefer' not 'she says...' or the onus / blame is on you. He can say something like, "It's great you guys love seeing X, she's great, isn't she"...You know, J. and I are feeling strapped for time in our lives. We're thinking once a month family visits are enough for now..." Of course, he has to be very patient and hear all of the objections. But, then stand firm. It's time for him to be husband and dad first, son second.
Parents, and people in general need their time alone. Driving back and forth with an infant, or having in-laws hanging around all the time is not fun or convenient. Don't feel guilty you want a (somewhat) separate life from your in-laws, no matter how nice they are. You married the son, not the parents.
Congratulations on your new bundle, by the way!
K.

You really have to stick to your beliefs as they can be wiped away rather quickly by overbearing people. Let them know that they will have a relationship with their granddaughter but that you and your husband need time to build a bond within your family. Even if they cry you just need to stick with how you feel and your husband may have to handle his parents himself. Congrats on your precious gift from God.

We have had many guilt issues with grandparents in the past and finally after 4 kids and 7 years we are close to resolving them. Talk with your husband and then speak up about what makes you feel bad. My mil said things about how she didn't know when she'd ever see us again when we left and how she just didn't know her grandkids that well and many other things that made us fell lousy and when we planned a trip to see her she would tell us how it wasn't long enough or onexactly the right dates because if we came a little sooner or left a little later she could go to some special event with the kids. (During most of this time we lived in three different states the closest being a 12 hour drive away). Then she wanted to take our oldest to Disneyland for his 5th birthday and we were moving to California. When she called me to plan this (we were still living in Alabama) I was taking my 2 week old with a fever into the Emergency Room. She wanted to put in for time off and would not take let's talk later for an answer so I told her do what ever you want. I was focused on my sick baby and moving cross-country I didn't care about a trip 7 months down the road. After three days in the hospital I was already worried about the Disney trip. My son is very attached to mom and me staying at the hospital with the new baby had been hard on him. SO we called mil to suggest he wouldn't be ready for the trip two months after our move. She said he'd be fine and we dropped the subject. Well when the time came he wasn't ready to go and we didn't let him go so for the next year everytime we talked to her she would tear up and say something like"I just can't tell you how dissapointed I am that we didn't get to go to Disneyland." She said this to my son too. That made me MAD!!! Unfortunatley thorugh all this we never told her how we felt. That if things didn't go exactly as she wanted that she laid on the guilt trip. We now lived two hours from her and dreaded going to see her because we would spend half the time feeling guilty about how often we visited. Finaly there was an episode where she wanted to take our oldest two age 6 & 4 to Disney on Ice. We agreed but clouldn't meet her until 4 p.m. the day of the show about an hour and a half from where it would happen because the kids best friends birthdya party was that day and the child's parent had specifically scheduled it so my kids could come. The night before she calls and says we'll need to meet earlier because they are going to take the kids out to dinner before and she won't eat fast food etc.. Well we reused, it turned into a huge argument with my mil hanging up on my husband (he's a mama's boy so that hurt). Anyhow after about 4 hours of phone conversations the kids still went btu it took us about a month and a lot of sharing how we truly felt about a lot of things about 6 years worth of things to starighten it out. My in-laws did take the oldest to Disneyland and now are planning a trip with my 5 year old daughter in May. The oldest two usually go spend a weekend about every six weeks and my in-laws are welcome to come to our house anytime but they no longer expect us to drop everything we still do what we haved planned, we even get to sleep in on a Saturday sometimes. They would love for our 2 yearold and the baby to stay with them but the babies aren't readt and now they accept it. Now that mil understands that the guilt trips make us not want to see her at all she has almost stopped, she still does it occasionally but retracts as soon as we call her on it. They will both be retired soon and I am sure we will have to rework our boundaries but I think that we have learned to say what we feel.

H.

I am the in law to two grandchldren- (actually 7) - I live in Petaluma and they are in Livermore. I don't want to be there as much as they think I should be there. I love seeing them but they have their own life to live. First, don't feel quilty but be conscious of how much time you give your family and attempt to keep some equality. You may have to put in writing (your husband) the importance of family time and the need for rest. I suggest even looking at the year to determine Holiday, etc. They need their own life just like you do. If they know when it will be they might relax a bit or will over time.

(Why am I on this site? A young mother sent me the site and I checked it out and ended up here.I have the years of raising two sons alone with little help from a large family and going into the cave once they left to recover and now a single grandmother of 7 with the two daughter in laws. I often get along better with them than with my sons. )

Gee, I'd give anything to have in-laws close by and and in love with my daughter! Mine (and my own family) are in Canada and see my little one perhaps twice a year! I'd have been thrilled to have their willing help and support when my daughter was little, and now that she's 2, it'd still be amazing to be able to drop her off to Grandma and Grandpa's now and then. Like every other weekend would be amazing! Please remember that no one loves a child like its grandmother - NO ONE!!! You should consider yourself blessed to have them and use them to help you "make life in the bay possible" but taking advantage of FREE - hello, FREE!!!! - babysitting from the very best child care provider in the world - GRANDMA!!!

K. in EC

Hi J.!

Congratulations on your baby girl. Grandkids can change EVERYTHING, and usually for the better. Obviously your in-laws just want to be a part of their son's life and family, especially now that there's a baby :o) It sounds like they want to be a great help to you and your husband.

Your daughter is still "new", and if they don't mind traveling to see you, then that's even better :O) Try not to make a HUGE issue out of this right now. It will all work itself out, routine's will be established, and visits will become routine.

My mom babysits my sister's boys every Friday am through to Saturday afternoon. I live in the house next door to my parents and MY boys love the routine. Not only that, but my mom is "willing" to extend herself to create a weekend for her grandkids on a regular basis.

Trust me....you want this for your daughter. The closeness, the bonding they share.....full of memories and love for everyone! Plus, if they start now, then when you and your husband want to go overnight somewhere, your daughter will be adjusted already and YOU won't worry so much when you go away.

Try to be patient with your in-laws, they're just excited!

Congratulations!

:O) N.

Are your in laws hard to be around? You have a right to set healthy boundaries in your life? Maybe you could do a baby website with photos, video and special messages for them. Maybe that would help with fewer visits than they want?

First off...no guilt! My parents live about four hours away, and it is hard. As much as I want them to see my kids all the time, it just isn't possible. Especially with gas prices. I mean you almost have to take out a loan to fill your vehicle. Plus I understand that you and your family need time to be a family without the extended family around. Sometimes you have to let them know that you need some time.

You need to do what is best for you and your new family. Maybe your husband would be willing to talk to her, tell her, that you are all still learning about one another and maybe right now, we could just have visits once maybe twice a month.

Good luck!

J.,
I think you should cherish the time they can have with her.
My kids do not have grandparents that live anywhere near us and they used to, so the miss them dearly. My mother spent a lot of time with them, and she died 6 years ago, and my dad moved to oregon. Then a year later my in laws moved to Montana. I feel like I have been deserted, and my
kids miss going over to grandmas house regularly. Be greatful that your child has these things, and that they love her so much..
W.

Well, they may be a little to much now,however,having your child bond with the grandparents is security for your personal time out in the future.
I suggest you tell them them you do understand they are in love with the baby. Then explain you and your husband need a little time just the three of you to adjust and bond to the new routine with your new baby. Then set up a schedule start with twice a month. Again, letting them know how much you know they care. This will give them boundaries and not leave them feeling they are not wanted.
Tell them they will have a whole life time to spend with their grand child.
To me there is nothing better than family to care for your children. Especially when they get older. kids who bond with their grandparents gain so much more as adults. Good Luck E.

6 weekends in 6 months don't realy seem like a lot to me??
While it is true you don't have to allow them to see your daughter, I truely can not see why a parent would not want to enclude their family in the growth and wonderful blessing of watching thier child grow.
There is noting so important then having family unity and support. In America the family unity has greatly dwindled.

You say you husband is a wonderful, amazing man and with that said, how does he feel about you not wanting his family around?

Maybe this would be a good time to build a better relationship with them?

My children and I have no other famaily other then my mom who are connected, the kids father and family are all deserters.

Family is very important.

could there be some resentment going on with his family, maybe you are having a hard time with them taking your daughters attention or that you are feeling left out?
Having this support will come in very useful as your daughter gets older. Having that support will allow you more flexibility with your husband and to have some time for your self. An infant is alottttt of work especially when they start moving around. Mother hood is wonderful and grandparenthood is just as wonderful they are as proud as you are!

Sometime we go through some postparden depression and mood changes after the birth of our child and a protective mode occures that keeps one from wanting anyone near their child.
food for thought..

I'll be praying for you!

I would think that you would be glad that your in-laws would want to be a part of you childs life. I love my mother-in-law but if I did not take my children to visit her they would never of had a good relationship with her. She just was not one to visit our home unless invited. Both my children had a great relationship with their grandparents. I'm also a "NEW" grandmother of a beautiful baby girl four months old and my daughter makes sure her grandmother(my mother-in-law)see's her daughter once a week. I also am very lucky I guess because my daughter lets me keep my granddaughter every Saturday night we call it our "slumber party". I work in the bay area and I don't get home early enough to vist durning the week so this is my bonding time with her and my daughter loves it because it give her a time to get caught up on thing and also do somethings for herself. Family is very important to me and I loved my grandmother so much and lost her at a very young age and I always said I would make sure my children would know that kind of love. There is nothing like a grandparents love!!!A grandparent can never take away the love that a mother and child have!! I seen this on a lady's shirt the other day and thought it was so true. "When a child is born so is a grandmother". hope this helps love a blessed grandmother!!!!

It's a hard line to draw. Grandparents LOVE their grandbabies! I suggest you make rules that are comfortable for your immediate family. Trust me, there will be a time when you will be more than happy to have the grandparents take your daughter for a respite wknd for you and your hubby. So be careful not to burn a bridge. If their visits become intrusive you just need to be honest and say "We have had a busy week and this wknd just isnt possible for entertaining." Honesty is the best policy.

We usually do the same thing with our family. We live about 2 hours away from both our parents and I know they want to see my little one but there are some weekends that we have to spend at home. (which for us is usually just one weekend a month). I have 5 kids at home, work full time and need to do some things around the house too. I just tell both sides that we will see them on this day but that we also have things that need to be done at home (ie. grocery shopping, laundry etc) as well as have time off on the weekend which ever one is entitled to. You have to do what works for you and your family. If it's one weekend a month then that is good enough. Don't worry about everyone else.

Good Luck!

J.:
Let me start with a little bit about me. I'm a stay-at-home mom in the north bay and it's a struggle, so I totally understand having working part time. I've been looking for part-time work as well, but it has been hard to find something without a long commute or around my husband's hours. Anyhow... My daughter is now almost 3 (the 21st of April) and she has seen my mother in-law twice. She sees my parents a little more often because they live only 4-5 hrs away (once every 2-3 mos), where my mother-in-law lives in S.Az and isn't allowed to fly due to altitude pressure or something like that. the rest of my in-laws we don't see but once a yr or so and they live in the South Bay (only 1.5 hrs away)and that is because we go down to visit them. With only one income it's hard to come up with the gas money, etc to visit other people, So I would probably talk to your in-laws about how lucky they are to have the chance to live so close and see their grandchild as often as they do. With gas prices and an infant-driving to see them is difficult, but if they want to come visit you and see the baby, they are welcome anytime... (if you don't have the room for them, let them know the name of the most reasonable motel). You have to some how explain that you are a mom now and your daughter and husband are your #1's and if family wants to come visit, they are welcome, but you have things you need to do at home to keep a routine, etc...
Sorry, I'm kind of rambling, but I hope this helps in some way. I know there is a better way to word it, but my brain is not totally working this morning.

Hi J.,
I was in the same situation and found a way not only to alleviate the guilt but also to actually use it to my benefit. We now have grandma coming over once or twice a week and I love it. What I do is have her play/watch the baby while I do some cleaning or other things that get done faster with someone else around to play with him. She takes him on walks or just plays in the living room while I work. That way, I am not always feeling pressured to "visit." As soon as she arrives I go off and get to work while she enjoys grandma time. I just told her she can come over whenever she wants, just let me know and I'll plan some chores that need to be done during that time. I do laundry or make a special dinner for my hubby, etc. Maybe since you're working at home you could take some time to work without interruptions?
I know my own mom has said one of the things that helps with their (grandparent) frustration is to feel "needed." Is there anything you can do at home while she and the baby are visiting so that you will feel like it adds to your life instead of taking away from it when she visits?
Let me know how it goes and good luck!
E.

I think that in about a year you may miss the in-laws. At six months you just want peace and quiet and snuggle with baby, but in the long run a "community" as a family is much better for all involved. Do you not like your inlaws? If you don't have time to let them visit, you need to just stay and tell them straight up the the guilt trips are hurting you.

I had my baby in a sling for about a year. My mother was around alot, my she was smart..."the first year is about mother the mother and the baby" she would say (and you should tell this to you inlaes), "but when she is mobil, you will want all the help you can get." She was right. It also help to have other around when your child goes through the "mommy, hold me allllll the time" stage as a toddler.

I don't know why you feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself and your little family. See them less if you want. If they say something, explain that it is too much right now. Good grief--you just had a baby! Don't they care about how you feel? Don't let them manipulate you.

If she is 6 months old and they have seen her on six weekends, then that's only 25% all weekends since she's been born. I understand how important it is for grandparents to have grandkid time- they love her so much! Time with grandparents is extremely beneficial for baby as she grows, too. Studies have shown that children with actively involved grandparents are all around happier, adjusted, and more successful in school. What I would do is take the opportunity to ask them to babysit at your place anytime they want, even if only for a few hours at a time (supposing you're nursing, and if not, then more). Tell them- or better yet, have your husband tell them since they are his parents- that you don't have the time to drive to see them, but tell them that they can drive up and babysit. That way, they get their baby time and you and hubby get dinner out. My parents live 3 1/2 hours away and my mother in law moved up to be close to us when we had our first, so I have had a lot of experience trying to make everyone happy while keeping my own sanity. Sometimes it doesn't work, but remember- no guilt. You have to make you happy first.

Hi J.. Congrats on your baby...my 'baby' is 18 now. Boy does time fly, so enjoy!

Yes, it's wonderful to have such interested and loving in laws. It will be great having them there for your daughter and future children. But, as a family you not only want but need your down time alone together. You don't want this to become a problem in your marriage. So....

This may sound like a strange question, but does your husband have a hard time standing up to his parents? HE needs to take the reins on this one and LOVINGLY let his parents know when its okay to come and when it's not. This doesn't have to be a big deal....'Oh, we'd love to see you Mom and Dad, but this weekend isn't good for us' (you don't need to explain why). Then immediately suggest another weekend they can come or you to them. THEN STICK TO IT! If they are hurt, they will get over it or you can address it by saying something like 'We really love that we are able to have you with us so much. It's not personal, we just want to have time as a family together.' Don't let them guilt you into doing anything you don't want to do because ultimately you'll start resenting it and it will definately become a problem between you and your husband. The key is to be sweet, loving and firm. They'll get over it and will enjoy their visits even more...may take awhile, be patient.

One more thing, if he doesn't have you know what to do it, then you'll have to be the one.

Hope this helps!

Hi, J.;
We also have lived 3 hours away from (both) grandmas 17 of the 18 years of our kids' lives. Trying to stop the guilt-related remarks is like trying to stop the rain, because it is borne from the deepest desire most grandparents have. With due respect, I think that the situation can be like handling children. You can't stop them from wanting what they want (but do we really want to?) so just concentrate on how you and your husband handle things. I would suggest telling her the truth about traveling with your daughter. You are REALLY tired and Grandma is welcome to come to YOUR place. In about 9 months (goes fast!) you can let her come all she wants and you can let her babysit while you and your husband do something away from home. Let her do what she wants with your daughter during these babysitting times. She will be content, your daughter will learn that there are other folks in the world to love, and you and your husband can get away for a bit. Your daughter will not decide to love her more than you. Even with spoiling, no matter what. You can demonstrate to your daughter how to love and live with calm confidence, not worry. Remember what the Bible says about love. Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not self-seeking, is not rude...love never fails. (1 Cor.13:2-8.) If you love your mother-in-law like this, your daughter will see it, your husband will see it, and you will be blessed. I am sure of this because I went through it myself. J.

I too had to deal w/ in-laws that laid on the guilt trip bad. Don't let it get to you and really I found that it is much better to speak up and let know them know what they are doing to make you feel guilty. If you don't it will just get worse. It is so important to have family time w/ you, your husband, and your baby....take this time together and enjoy it..she will never be this age again. As for your in-laws accept the help, but when it is too much just say so. Others will not understand that when your in-laws come to visit or you go to visit it's not just 3 hours...it's the entire weekend and believe me it gets to be way too much. They have to learn to give a little and you will in return as well. Hang in there and just speak up....talk to your husband and see what he thinks as well. Hang in there...but don't let the guilt get to you...you and your husband deserve time to be a family as well.

Hi. Only you can make yourself feel guilty. If you truly try to let them see the baby as often as possible then there is nothing more you can do other than move closer to them or vice versa. Sympathize with them but they probably already know you can't do more. Maybe you both can get a computer with those video monitors. Don't feel bad, just go on with your life. Moping doesn't help anyone, just brings you down. When she's older she'll be able to stay the weekends and even a whole week. Wonderful for all of you. Situations change. And this one, for the better.

I have 4 kids and no family help. To me you sound very lucky and blessed that they are so excited and involved in your child's life. Someday they will not be around and their son and grandchildren (and maybe even you?) will miss this time so much. Please do not take them for granted. I think you are SO SO lucky- let them know how grateful you are that they are there and help and visit- this could be worked out reasonably.

you have to learn how to be straight forward with them, no matter how hard it is.... believe me i know its really hard, my inlaws dont take "no" lightly, but you just have to be firm.

Me and my two sisters grew up incredibly close to both sets of grandparents. My mom's parents lived about 30 minutes away so we saw them at least once a week. My dad's parents lived in Ohio, but they stayed with us every other winter for at least 2 months! Although my mom has never said anything, I am sure at times that was really hard on her. I am so greatful, however, that we had all that time with my grandparents. I was crazy about them and loved them dearly. Now I find myself stressing out that my girls are not going to be close enough with their grandparents and it breaks my heart. We just don't live close enough to either set of our parents. So try to remember how great this closeness will be for your daughter and that it will stay with her for her entire life.
Now, to get you some relief let's think strategy. The next time the in-laws come over, get your calendar out and show it to them. Tell them there are different things you want to do, so you would like to scheudle some visits ahead of time to be sure your daughter has time with grandma and grandpa. I would say schedule the next 6 to 8 weeks. Have some things alreday filled in the calendar so everything is not open. You can put down visits with other friends, day trips to wherever you want, stay at home yard/planting day, and make up some stuff if you want. Then ask them which weekend(s) they would like to come out, and tell them what day(s) you thought about coming to visit them. That way you can have some control over it all and yet they think you care enough to make sure you get to see them. Also, now that your baby is getting older it won't be long before you can ask them to babysit for an evening or even for an overnight trip. That is when grandparents become extra terrific! Good luck!

Talk about guilt. My own mother only gets to see her 3 grandchildren twice a year as we live in Ireland and she in San Francisco. If your in-laws have a computer, how about setting them up with a web cam. Send lots of photos all the time. Outlined handprints and footprints on a card are nice too. Try not to worry too much about the situation as you can't really control most of it, they will just have to learn to accept it.

The in-law guilt is not going away anytime soon so you have to find a way to deal with it. Here are three suggestions.

1. Confront it head on. There is an article in this months O magazine about confrontation.

2. I found a hobby. I know when you have a perfect little baby you can think of nothing else but it is important you make time for you. It doesn't have to be today but by the time she is two or by the time you have two you might start to forget who you are. I took a class Saturday morning, my hubby played golf and my mother-in-law got the baby, every Saturday morning for a couple of hours. Everybody was happy...for a while.

3. Can the in-laws watch the baby while you work? Then they get their baby fix and you get free childcare.

I went through this same thing but the in-laws lived closer. Honestly it drove me nuts. Instead of being in my own bed when I came home from the hospital my husband made sure that we went and stayed with them. They were always around and when they were there I had no time with my son except just to breast feed him. My mother in law would even take him from me to burp him and then hand him back. She would tell me that she was going to take him home with her all the time. It really bothered me. I feel that he bonded more with them at the time instead of me. What I finally had to do is limit the amounts of time that they seen him by setting up a schedule that allowed them to see him the same days all the time and the same time block (with occasional extra time). It really seemed to help because then we were able to plan around the time they were going to be there with things that needed to be done(errands, appointments, grocery shopping, etc.). The guilt is something that you will have to just try to ignore because they probably would just love for you to give them the baby to take home for a week or so without you. I found out with me there was nothing that pleased my in laws so I just had to ignore the guilt and not take it so seriously. I hope everything calms down for you soon.

What a pain your in-laws sound like! That said, I'm a therapist and find the sympathetic speech I was taught for work serves me well in many other situations, too. You didn't give any exact examples of what you in-laws say, so I'll just make up a couple with responses. When your MIL says 'I never get to see the baby!' say, 'It sounds like you'd like to see the baby more-- it must be hard to miss her so much.' When your MIL says, 'She's changed so much and I missed it!' Say, 'You feel like you're missing out on all the fun-- that must be distressing.' You don't have to agree with her, or agree to see more of her-- just sympathize with where she's at and things should get better.
Good luck!

I also love to love my babies! (I'm curious why you don't want them to see her more often; once a month is not very much! I wish my mom was willing to make the 2-hour drive to visit more than 3 or 4 times a year.) If you don't like your in-laws, and you don't want them to have a good relationship with their grandchildren, keep them away. But if they aren't terrible people and they are a good influence, step back and put your daughter first, realizing that grandparents have a LOT to offer including sweet memories together. We used to go to my grandparent's house (very close by) at least once a week. My dad taught us to love and respect our grandparents through his actions, helping with yardwork etc. My kids don't know my dad because he died when I was young. I would give anything for them to know eachother now. BUT, I digress. Take advantage of their willingness to visit, and use the time to DATE YOUR HUSBAND! As hard as it may be, pull yourself away from your wonderful, sweet, cherub for a few hours and let them babysit. Babies grow up SO FAST! May not be what you wanted to hear, but families are important, and grandparents are an important part of the family unit too.

We used to let my inlaws have our kids on Friday night for an over night. That way they got to see the kids for an extended period of time and Me and my hubby got a date night.
It worked for us....hopes it works for you Good Luck

Time to set some boundaries? Let them know how much you enjoy the visits and then begin to plan certain dates when you will visit or they can come to you. Do they stay with you on visits? Maybe now you aren't thinking about going out for dinner or a movie while they visit, but you will later. It is wonderful that they want to spend time with the baby, but you do really need time for yourselves. They will come to understand. Don't feel guilty, it's not fair of them to make those comments or bring on the tears. Be strong.

Use this time to get a little rest and relaxation! Never turn down help from relatives! As long as they're not burdensome during their visits you should let them come and enjoy their new granddaughter. Maybe you and your husband can use them as baby-sitters so you can get a little couple time.

What I'm saying is turn this to your best advantage. It might seem a little underhanded but in the long run you and your in-laws will be happier.

the nicest thing that you can do is make video's and as you record, talk to her (baby) about grandma like if she smiles, "say hello to grandma/grandpa", included them in the video as if they were there. When she eats,wiggles,smiles,see if she waves for them, they love that. send little notes from baby, a T-shirt with her palm print or foot print, or a DVD/CD of pictures,with a computer you can even included music that they like, with babies voice.(giggles). A new baby gives them life,J.,spirit, like when you first meant your love, your heart never skipped a beat. Its the same with grandparents. I hope this can help.

My family and I spend A LOT of time together A LOT and that includes my in-laws, the one person who is not there is my Dad because he passed away before my children were born and I would give anything to be able to see them enteract with each other, your in-laws will not be around forever it is a fact of life and why not allow them and your daughter to share love with eachother and you while they can. We have just us family time and then get together with everyone a little later on holidays, wekends, just because. You have a wonderful husband mostly because of the way that he was loved and brought up by your in-laws. My husbands grandparents live on the east coast so they can not spend a lot of time with us like all of us would like so we are always e-mailing pictures and sending little pictures, notes, and cards that the kids have made to them, even my 2 year olds scribbles bring them amazing J. and the feel like they are a huge part in watching them grow up. When they have milestones, school plays, sports events, we call or sometimes e-mail and let them know how things went. i think it is important to remember where we get our roots from, your family tree did not start with your daughter, your husband, and you. Enjoy the time you have with them and the time that you can have time to yourself or even you can have with your husband while they are still around.

It is hard, believe me I know but think of it in two ways. Think of this situation when one day you will be a grandmother and how you will never have enough time with your grandchildren when your daughter has a baby. Also instead of looking at it as a negative, use this time to either sleep, do some cleaning or run errands. This could be a great opportunity for some "me" time! Good luck!

As the baby is only six months old, it is important that you both get your rest and that you have the time to bond with her.

You can tell your in-laws that you need some time, just the three of you and plan ahead so that they have the weekends that they will be with you in their calendar.

This is one of many times where you will have to stand your ground and protect your family OR as I have learned with my 6 year old, "pick your battles". If this one isn't worth fighting, just give in and forget about it. IF you think it is worth fighting, then you must do it in a way that has the parents understand. Maybe appeal to them by saying, "remember when your babies were this young, you were tired and needed some time alone....please understand that we would love to have you here all the time, but we are just getting used to everything."

I hope it works out so that it is the way YOU and your husband want it.

RE: Feelings:
Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel. I'm rather astonished that some postings are doing just that. Here you are brave enough to share your actual feelings and you're getting told that your feelings are wrong?!?! The answer is never to just feel differently. In fact, that's impossible!

RE: TIME w/Grandparents:
All grandparents are different and I feel compelled to say that some parents have very good reasons to limit family time spent with grandparents. To those of you who have wonderful, amazing, helpful grandparents of your children, great! Please do feel the gratitude you feel for them and enjoy the loving relationships you see flourishing between your child and your parents. However, please remember that not all of us have such wonderful parents who love and know HOW to love without actually becoming more of a burden than they are a blessing. There are infinite abusive patterns out there in the baby boom generation, some very easy to see and others so subtle that only the children really know their difficulties and effects. We're all in different family situations, so it should not be assumed that everyone is dealing with the same wonderful personality nor the same situations of time and energy.

Anyway, I don't know your specific reasons for needing to limit time with grandparents. And I don't mean any disrepsect to your particular in-laws because I don't know them. I just know that you must have a reason and you're obviously a caring person to be feeling and thinking about them in spite of your discomfort with the pressure they're putting you under. Maybe you're tired and just know that you need time as an individual family unit. That's OK!!! That's normal. That's good.

Trust and honor your instincts. I, for one, think it's great that you know what you are capable of giving and what you are not. Many people are not aware of their own needs nor their family's needs and they put themselves and their families through too much stress by giving more to others than they can afford.

This time is about you, your husband, and your baby as a family. You have to be a family unit first, and you can't share any more with others than is available. That would result in depleting the energy you have to care for your nuclear family, which is your first priority. This is special time in your life, worth protecting, and if you feel the need to protect that time, I'm just sure there is reason for it. It may be hard to express and it may also be hard for others to understand, but that's okay. And it's okay to feel upset and conflicted about it, but it doesn't mean you have to alter your limits unless you decide that that's what would truly be right for you and your family. I'm sure you're already a pretty flexible person. You're a mom!

Dear J., Planning with parents is a challenge, but it is worth it, especially as your daughter grows. In counting six times in six months, isn't that about once a month? The problem is the guilt laden comments and the tears. I am the grandma with my grandaughter about an hour away.I am very blessed to see her and my daughter and son-in-law a couple times a month. We celebrate special occasions with time together, but it doesn't stretch longer than a half day. We use family only Flickr, and she sends me pictures on my cell phone, so I feel loved and included. I am thrilled to see this family, but if they have other commitments, I express J. for them, and never get upset. We make our times together when it is good, and then we are all happy. Hope your communication with them gets better. I'll be praying for you. A.

Enjoy their visits. It is great they want to be a part of her life. Maybe take advantage of there stay, and one night you and your husband go out for some one on one time. Out to dinner a movie. They mean well :)

Once a month seems okay to me, but if this is their first grandchild it may be hard on them? Maybe remember them as babysitters when you want to spend time with just you and hubby sometime and leave the baby with them for a night while you go off and enjoy? The ONE thing I like about my MIL is that she'll keep the kids for us. Our MIL also lives about 3 hours away and I can't imagine making more than one trip with the kids to see her a month.

Hi J.,
I wish I could take credit for what I am passing on, but I think you need to trust Dr. Phil on this one. They are your husband's parents and HE needs to take the heat off you here. The three of you are your own little family now. When in-law conflicts come up each of you need to deal with your own parents so the spouse doesn't come out looking like a tyrant. There may be times when either of you agree with your parents. Please negotiate in private and present the compromise as a united front. Your marriage will be stronger, your daughter will have roll models teaching value of self and family and both sets of parents will be proud.
Good luck and happy family,
T. D

Hi J.,

I can relate to the in-law problems. Stand up for yourself and declare clear boundaries for the sake of your new, little family. Even your in-laws will like and respect you for it later.

just make time
be gracious
this child is their grandchild
the baby may sense your anxiety and you don't want that
be honest and say you need time for something else or other things or that you are tired; just be honest
be gracious
this is the beginning of your baby's life and you determine what she senses and what her environment is
family is ultimately important; make it positive and loving for your child
you and your husband are in control of what her environment will be
keep your hearts open so your baby will have an open heart

It seems natural that they would want to be a part of your lives. I am assuming that your own parents want to be a part of your lives also? You may feel off center because you don't want to be the cause of someone else crying. That is understandable, and this feeling comes from a compassionate heart.

However, your boundaries are your boundaries, and it is your job to be compassionate enough to yourself so that you feel good. You can't help others when you feel yucky. It is important to understand that how someone else feels is their choice, how YOU feel is YOUR choice.

You are not at the mercy of the seas of other's emotions, floating without oars. Cut free, cut free, cut free from the anchor that does not belong to you. You are feeling it in your stomach. You cannot control other's feelings, but you can relax your stomach and pretend that those anchors there in your stomach just float away by grace. You are allowed to ask for help from the universe, your source, your helpers (what ever you want to call it).

Take a deep breath in . . . . in . . . . in take the air all the way in to your toes. Now blow out hard with a SHHH sound. The SHHH sound comes from your stomach and it is all the stuff that you can not control and all the emotion which is not YOU. You are love. You are nurturing. You are a strong peace commanding presence. From this centered state of being place both hands over your physical heart and say "I am safe" as many times as you like, whenever you need to center yourself.

This is choosing a better feeling emotion. You choose your emotions, you can love them "anyway" no matter what they are choosing for themselves.

Love, L.
Teacher of New Consciousness

p.s. perhaps if they want to be more involved in your lives you could delegate some tasks to them? Maybe they are bored and afraid they will miss out. Fear does a lot of strange things to people if they let it.

I know it may seem like an invation of your space. My children only has one grandparent alive and she lives on the other side of the country. After her husband died 2 years ago she moved out of the area to live with her other son. That left us here alone without family support.(I am and only child and my husband only has the one brother) It makes it hard. They love your child so much- let them. Soon you will be able to have alone time with your husband when they visit. We have 3 kids and love them so much, I get down when I see other grandparent spoiling your children. Try to set some rules if you feel you need too, but grandparents can be great for your kids and can give you two a well deserved break...

Hi J.,
I can relate to you feeling guilty. I can imagine how the traveling must be tiring for you as a new mom. And it is definitely difficult to feel guilty about being the person stopping the grandparents to see their grandkid.
Like all the others have mentioned, I too, would want my one-year old baby to be loved and bonded with their grandparents. For us we only live 10 minutes away from my in-laws so we see them a LOT. Twice a week during the week then we see them at church also. Both my husbands and myself have a very demanding job and work long long hours certain months during the year so during those weeks/months, my in-laws pick my baby up from daycare at the end of the day and bring him home with them and we'll go over to their house to pick up around 8 or 9pm. They have been tremendous help and I know they love him dearly. For me it was tough to set the boundaries because they are doing so much at times we need them and I feel like I cannot just take advantage of them then close them out when we are working normal hours again. But it has been difficult and painful at times because when I get to their house, my baby would prefer them when he needs comfort and I guess I'm jealous when I see that big smiling content face my boy has when he's with the grandparents which I don't get often myself. It's really depressing and painful seeing that especially after those stressful long days at work - after working so hard for the family and my baby doesn't even bond with me nearly as much it looks like... if you know what I mean...

Funny, we had the opposite problem. My mother was with our children almost daily. She was just part of our life and enriched it tremendously. The inlaws were not that interested and we resented the lack of interest on their part. Can your situation be tweaked so that their visits free up some time for you and your husband? A weekend away? Don't push them away. They may be very "enriching" to your child and ultimately to your family. I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but I hope you think about it. Good luck to you.

Oh my goodness, I sympathize! Horrible and annoying. You should not have to work on their schedule. Can you enlist your husband's help in setting a more reasonable schedule. Ya, if he's like mine, maybe not. I say just tell them how tired you are and that you just can't socialize that often. Another thing I just started doing that makes the grandparents really happy is taking tons of photos with my digital camera, and drop shipping them to all the grandparents at once- it is suprisingly cheap. Good luck & stand your ground- this is your child (too) and you should get what you want at least half of the time.

6 weekends out of 24...doesn't sound like a lot to me. Be thankful. Count your blessings. Good Luck.

Hi!
When we lived close to my in-laws they came by every weekend (both of them) and my mother-in-law came to babysit for an hour every Tuesday.

I would say: Let them visit you as much as they want,and have them help with the baby and if they can, come during the week and babysit so that you get some free time.

You can go to them once every second month or so, they don't have small babies, let them travel!

It is great to have grandparents that are interested, much better than the opposite, and they can be excellent free babysitters!

Hi J.,
I know it's hard, but in the long run it's so worth the time. Don't see it as guilt b/c I totally get that. It took mental and emotional maturity to get over it. I've been taking my parents out shopping and have had them see the kids for the last 8 1/2 yrs. once a week. Each time it's been a J. for them to see the kids and watch them grow. I have 3 kids spaced out by 3 years apart, so over the years they see less and less of the older ones b/c they're in school. Now they only see the youngest until she'll start Kinder. They're already saying how sad it'll be b/c they will only see them around days off and holidays and summer time. My point is, try to work out a compromise b/c of distance and do your best to accept it. Set it to every other week. Have them watch her while you take time for yourself, etc. My oldest is 11 1/2 and truthfully it has gone by so fast. Sometimes I've felt like: I really don't want to do this, or it's consuming too much of "my" time, or I have 'other more important things' to tend to. But God has a way of reminding me as I watch my parents age and become weaker and move slower and slower each time that I see them,to keep in mind that time and life is precious with them and it'll soon pass. Hang in there b/c in the long run when you look back as I have, and you see that time is closing in on their time, you'll be happy that you took the time. Plus you're setting the example for your
kid(s) to stay in touch with you as you age. I know I want mine to be close w/me.
(I've been there and still doing it)
Best Wishes. V.

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to tell you not to feel too bad. It's really hard to make grandparents happy. My boys are lucky enough to have three sets of grandparents that adore them, but the hard part is making everyone happy and spending enough time with each grandparent. I get guilt from the ones that live further away because the ones that live closer get to see my boys 2-3 times/week. There's not much you can do except try to be understanding that they just love your kid(s) and want to be a big part of her life(s). It's great for your daughter, and for you, that she has so many people that love her so much. Just respond to their comments with understanding and let them know that as much as you want to have them around, you just don't have that much time to spend with them for whatever reason. I say things like " I know, I wish we could come up too, but we have X to do...How about in two weeks..." Something like that. I hope that helps. :)

stand your ground. talk to your husband nd see if he can get through to his parents. i can understand them wanting to see her however you two must have a life with your child too.. even to just stay home and relax and just be a family. three hour drive is not around the corner or across town either. they need to understand.

If they are willing to make the drive and take the baby off your hands so you can work I say let them. I know with the first baby it's hard to let go of being the most important thing in your babies life but trust me when I say you still will be. As a new mommy you must know that feeling of epiphany. I never truly understood how a mom could pull a car off her child until I was a mom. I know that is an extreme example but I hope you get my point. We will never truly get how precious a grand baby is until we are grand parents. My in-Laws watched my first two babies literally come out of my body and into the world. I felt like it brought us really close yet, it still took me a while to grasp the concept. When I looked at my mom holding my baby I melted. It was hard for me to connect my husbands parents to (my) baby. I say if it takes any pressure off you let them come.

Hello J......congratulations on becoming a first time mommie. J., I am on the other end of your situation....so please read this with an open mind.

What and how would you feel should your in-laws NOT want to spend time with your child, their grandchild???? Think ahead 20 or 25 years now and how will you feel to be a proud grandparent yourself.....You will not know the feeling it is in ones heart when they become grandparents......What if your son-in-law, your daughters husband, will feel like you do now???? What will you feel in your heart if you were told once a month was enough time for you to see your granchild??? Or that, that is the only time you were being "allotted" since they have a life of their own and do not want to share it with you????

How old are your in-laws??? You should be happy that they want to be part of your childs life.

Why not look at the glass as half full...take the opportunity of your in-laws love and use it to your advantage.....since they want to see her every week it seems....tell them Friday nights one week, Saturday nights the alternating week....and use them as DATE nights for you and your hubby....you will need them to keep up the romance in your marriage and quite frankly why alienate them now when believe me there will be a time when you will WANT them to want to have her.....so start a new tradition and have date night once a week...and let them babysit her....and enjoy the evening with your hubby.

I could go on and on but I think I have given you enough to think about???? Remember you too will be grandparents someday.....Take care and God Bless that little one, L.

Oh My Gosh......I hear you!!! We happen to live where all of my husband's family is and NONE of mine are. Right before I went into labor, I was mortified to know that my inlaws (mom-in-law and sis-in laws) expected to be in the delivery room! I said absolutely NOT!That was the beginning of what I thought was the end! I had to actually remind one of my sis-in-laws that I was the mom and she was the aunt because it was like they wanted me to hand over my child when they came over to visit, which according to my husband could be anytime, anywhere, until I laid down the law that they needed to call first (so I could be dressed at least!!). So all I can tell you is that...it gets better with time. At least for us it did. There are still times where I feel like it's too much. My mom-in-law was ALWAYS calling and emailing (she lives 4 blocks away!)...until we asked her to start coming over once a week for dinner and to see the baby (which amounts to only about an hour or two once we get home from work)...which actually helped the situation because she knows she is coming over and we know she is coming over, there are no surprises and believe it or not, she stopped emailing and calling in between! So yeah, there is the expectation now that family at least calls before they are at our front door (have to tell you once my sis-in-law called from our driveway!!! FOR REAL!!!), and also the understanding that we did not have a baby for them, but for us and that we are our own little family now. They got it. But once I got back to work, and loosened up a little, and actually now appreciate the help when they come over (my mom-in-law often empties the dishwasher or helps with laundry on the night she comes over)...it actually did ease up a bit. And the sis-in-law who lives 1/2 hr away WANTS to see the baby more often...but actually doesn't come around all that often like I had feared she would. After about 7 or 8 mos, it eased off, and not that the novelty wore off...but people got on with their lives and knows that the baby is here anytime they need a 'fix'. Our baby is now 13 mos old. And honestly, I'm so glad I'm not the only one out there feeling like I did. It was really, really hard in the beginning, and not the J. and elation that I had hoped for when beginning a family. But it's all good now! :) So this is kinda sad to say, but there will come a time SOON, when your baby will start playing strange with others, including family, and even when they are over, he/she will only want you and they may back off a bit. So just try to enjoy! :) good luck!

I'll be as open-minded as possible. a 3-hr drive to them or them to you is a lot of driving. I'm 3 hours from my in-laws and I'm glad but wish it was FURTHER. Go ahead other mothers, hate me. In-laws are important, I will give you that much, but some can be intrusive, over-bearing and manipulative. So where do you draw the line you might ask. First and foremost, guilt ridden comments need to stop immediately, your child can sense them. Trust me, my 6 month old knows already the uneasy tention between his grandparents (my in-laws) & I and fusses whenever they try to hold him. There are several issues between the in-laws and I that I will not discuss, but for your inquiry, all I can say is you married his family too, and if you are uncomfortable about something, discuss it with him first and work out a plan of action to discuss with the in-laws. If you don't do it immediately, it will become a major issue down the road. Best of luck.

T.

Count your blessings that your in-laws 1) are close enough where it's only a 3 hour drive and 2) they want to spend time with their granddaughter. I have my in-laws and family around and I am blessed that they want to spend time with my kids, pick them up from school, and love them unconditionally! They do so much for me that although there are things I like a certain way, I bite my tongue because they love my kids and would do anything and everything for them. I know you are trying to build your family together with your husband, but it's important to have family around, especially grandparents. I hope you find it in your heart to release the guilt that you're feeling. Good luck.

just say you don't feel like it. No need to lie

Hello J.,

I totally understand what you are going through. My in-laws too live 3 hours away and they come once every 3 weeks. My son is 26 months so I have been living with this arrangement for a while. It was not aways easy. Even with the greatest of in-laws, it is difficult adjusting to this "intrusion". For the first 12 months, I didn't find them helpful at all (as compared to my sister who really takes care of baby and me when she visits!). They were disruptive to baby's schedule, they stole my husband's attention and it was stressful having to play host to them - make them comfortable, cook them dinner etc. They offered early on to babysit so that my husband and I could take a break but I could not get myself to trust them enough. After the first couple of months, with my husband's support, we would make our own weekend plans and then tell them which weekends would work for them to come. That way, we spaced out the visits a little more. But because they had to travel 3 hours and burn their weekends, I always felt guilty about not being more welcoming.

In recent months, because we may relocate further away, we've resumed the once every 3 weeks visit. This time around though, possibly because my son is now older and I'm more relaxed, I let the grandparents babysit so that my husband and I can go out on movie and dinner dates. I'm now a lot happier when they come, and I think they are too.

So, if you're able to give your in-laws a more useful role, I highly recommend it. And don't be afraid to ask for what would make you happy. My in-laws' bedtime is actually earlier than the baby's, which was why they seemed kind of useless. Now, I just tell them that we'll be back late, and they willingly stay up until we return! And if you are just not ready for them to visit so frequently, tell them and hold your ground - getting your hubby to tell them would really help. You deserve all the alone time you need with your immediate family.

Stop feeling guilty. It's much better to truly enjoy their company on less frequent visits then to end up resenting them!

Good luck.