GrandDad Over Staying His Welcome

Robin,
Ya know he probably wants to feel part of your family, and loves all you guys so much. I know what I would do, give him a job....like have him plant a veggie garden and take care of it. Or paint the shed if you have one, I know what its like......my mom actually lives with me and I to need my space. So I give her things she can do to keep her busy. Its so nice for your son to have him around. They are not here forever, they are a treasure. So I hope you dont have him stay away, have patience and give him a purpose.

If it's first thing in the morning: Lock your door and post a note on it saying: "Hi, Grand-dad. If you are coming over to visit, the baby and I are not fully awake yet this morning, so we want to take it slow, so I will call you later. Thanks!" If it's in the afternoon, lock your door and post a note saying: "Hi, Grand-dad. I am trying to get the baby to take a nap, then I want to take one too. I will call you later. Thanks!" The last thing you want to do is hurt his feelings, BUT you do need some time for yourself. On the other hand, do you trust him? If so, why don't you go out sometimes and shop by yourself, or get a manicure, or indeed take a nap while he is there? Maybe you could start setting up specific times for when he can come over. Start a schedule or something. Good luck!

Hi Robin,
I can see that this would be a problem. Especially where he lives right next door. I think 7 am is too early to come over. When kids are little grandparents always want to be involved and give their advice. I think they miss this stage and he probably didn't enjoy it with his own children, because he was busy working etc. I am sure he means well and loves his grandson. But, you defintitely need boundaries when you live right next door. You need to say something to him. Or, when it is time for the bedtime routine, you can say, ok kiss grandpa goodbye, we have to go upstairs now. You could also say, I need time to myself in the morning---- when you see us outside, you can come over then. Or, just sit down and talk to him and say, I don't mind having you over but I would rather you call before coming over. Another thing you can do, is go out during the day--- to a playground or library or mall and just spend some time out with your son. This way you get some time to yourself and your son gets some fresh air. Then when you come home it would be ok to see him, and you can stop at his house instead. Another thing you can do is say, oh tomorrow I have to run to Walmart, can you watch your grandson while I go. Then say ok, I'll see you tomorrow at 1:00. It is hard with family to say anything like this, but, just because you are family and you love someone doesn't mean you want to spend all your time with them. I personally think someone should ask before coming over. Hope some of these things help. This is a difficult situation and you have to try to avoid hurting his feelings. Good Luck to you and your baby!

He needs some boundries, but you do nto want to hurt his feelings too. It sounds like he loves you all, but maybe lonely? does he have activities he does with his friends? do you know nayone his age who is involved with a senior center (depends on his age) who can invite him out to lunch or a get together? if you can make it seem all like their idea..

I have the other extreme and have no family close by (as in CA, UT & $$ to drive to CT now)

You need to choose your wording carefully so as not to insult, offend him or hurt his feelings..like 'we love you here, but I need some alone time some days..how about making every other day Grandpa day' or soemthing..please be sure to use Love You Want You so he is not hurt.

Hi Robin,

I'm afraid there is no easy way out of this one. Noone likes confrontation, so we tend to ignore things until they are really out of control and then we blow.

Your feelings are normal. You love him but you want your privacy. Men in general are not very good on picking up "vibes" and they probably will never understand your need for privacy, so you are just going to have to politely spell it out for him.

You said it so nicely here, now say it to him. Let him know you appreciate how helpful he is (lucky you!) and you love the bond he has with your son, but you would appreciate it if he called before coming over and not to call earlier than 9:00, 10:00 (whatever you deem appropriate) When he calls let him know "I will be stepping out at such and such time, etc." and then give advanced notice "OK dad, I have to go in 15 minutes", whatever, and that you need to get ready"

It might also be helpful to try and direct his attention elsewhere. He obviously is still very healthy and active. (Is he a widower or divorced?) Perhaps there is some social network locally for seniors which you could encourage him to get involved with. If he has a particular interest, (gardening or tinkering with cars) there may be some club in the area he could participate in. You need to find a way for him to focus all of his positive energy which still allows you the freedom to joining a moms group or pursue some of the lifestyle which new moms need and enjoy.

Best wishes, all I can say is you do not have to feel guilty about making your own needs known. If you do it politely, and reasonably than it is not your responsibility if your father in law is offended. You can only be responsible for yourself not someone elses reaction to a totally reasonble request. Be strong

J. L.

Wow--that is A LOT of time to be spending at your house. I don't think you are at all wrong to want your space. You should be able to establish healthy boundaries and he should respect them. With my dad, I have to be very specific with him. Instead of saying, you can't be here from now until then; I tell him exactly when he CAN be here. (Like positive reinforcement.) I'm sure at first it will be very awkward, and our parents can get defensive at first when we set boundaries--but we have to have them. When the dust settles you'll most likely see that he is more respectful in all sorts of ways. No matter how nice or helpful our parents are, we have to make our decisions based on what is best for OUR little families.
A friend of mine who is a family counselor has the same problem with her dad. She says she has to get creative. She asks for him to help with specific tasks (like running errands and keeping her son company in the car while she goes in stores.) She makes it clear that they won't be ready or available until that time; that way there is a definite beginning and end to their time.
Also, since this is your husbands dad, I think it would be really good for the two of you to really hammer out this issue. You guys need to really understand eachother and your motivations in dealing with this.
Hope you get some space soon~
sbj

Hi Robin,

I think you answered your own question! The very last thing that you said is that you want to keep a nice relationship but need your space. As hard as it is to talk to people we love about things like this, especially when you think that it will hurt his feelings, you really need to because if you don't you just may blurt out "Go Home!" in a moment of weakness! It sounds like you do have a good relationship so maybe you could fix him a special lunch and just really try being honest with him. Try to explain that as a stay at home mom you really need to have some down time where it is just you and as much as you love having him around, you would like to have some time to yourself. Maybe you can schedule times for him to come over or have him go for a walk with the both of you or something...I hope it works out for you..
Good luck and God Bless,
M.