I'm Being Suffocated

Just say no. You don't need to explain. You don't owe him anything.

Say yes when you want to. But don't feel like you have to do anything for this guy.

Listen to Peg M. She is a smart lady. And my other favorite saying is "No.". It's a complete sentence, and a complete answer to a question.

Nothing drives me battier than having neighbor kids waiting in my driveway with 40 questions when I get out of the car. Believe me, I am a little short with them and they still do it. Some people don't have bounderies and I like my privacy.

You're accosted coming in the door with your groceries and he says "Can we come over right NOW" or "can you take the kids for a minute." Give him a great big smile and say, "Sorry but we can't do anything today and I can't watch the kids. I've got some things that have to be done." Use the word "deadline" if you must: "I've got some things to do on a deadline." It's perfectly true for most of us most of the time, as in, we have things that must be done on schedule to keep our houses, kids and lives running. You do not owe him a detailed agenda or excuse. But you can be kind about it.

You might also want to do a bit of research into sitters in your area -- if there's a local college or university, sometimes college kids advertise themselves as sitters in the local newspapers, college paper or on bulletin boards around town. Or there may be a "moms day out" group (often based in local church buildings, or at community centers) that he could join -- yeah, some of them welcome dads! Find some listings for play groups for his kids, or kids' classes at rec centers or community centers. Gather those phone numbers for him and have them ready and waitiing. Next time he's dashing over being needy on the spot, pull out your big grin again and that sheet with numbers on it and say, "You know, Bill, I know from experience it's tough being at home with kids. And it's tough for me to help you out by watching them any more. But here, I found you some contacts for sitters, kids' classes, and a parents' day out group (etc.), and you might want to make some calls to get some regular help and regular time off from the kids." That's proactive and nice of you, and gives you the out to say from then on, "I can't look after the kids, but did you try any of those numbers I gave you?"

He sounds a bit lost and pathetic, frankly. He sounds overwhelmed; maybe he's not really cut out to be a stay at home parent without more help about what to do with the kids all day. How is your relationship with his wife? If she is a friend and you feel you can talk to her honestly, you could find a time (without him or any kids around) to tell her that you're worried because he seems to ask for help with the kids daily, and if he is having trouble coping day to day, she might want to talk with him about other arrangements. Tell her about the list you made and give her a copy too. I'd present it as friend-to-friend and as concern for their family rather than "I don't want to be your instant babysitter." Definitely you don't want it to come across as "I'm a better parent than he is and he needs this list because he can't handle anything." Instead it could be: "I really feel for him, I know he has medical issues, I wanted to help this way because I can't always watch the kids...." As you said, you DO have to continue to live next to them.

When he says, "Can you watch the kids for a sec", just say, "I am sorry, I already have things scheduled." Because you do! I know that right when I get up, I make a list of all the things that need to be done, and almost every minute of my day is accounted for. Staying at home is a job.

If he was really in need of a babysitter, like if he had an appointment or something, he would be planning ahead by calling a sitter. But that is not the case here. He sees you, thinks, "Ah! There's R.! She'll watch the kids while I go take a shower/do the dishes/whatever!" And he keeps asking because you say yes. Start saying no. You don't have to be rude, but get the point across that you are busy, too, and it is difficult to get what you need done when extra children are over. You might also write down the numbers of any nearby child care providers or teenagers you have used for babysitting; he might not know who is available so this would help him out and also get your point across. It seems to me that once you start saying "No", he will stop watching for you out the window (which I have to agree is somewhat creepy and annoying!)

Tough situation. It is miserable when folks don't follow basic common courtesy, isn't it?

Maybe the next time he (and his kids) show up as you are exiting your car you can hurried tell them "Sorry _____, but I don't have time to spend with you right now." and then gather your things and go inside and don't come back out for a bit. No need to be rude, but brusque is going to be more effective than apologetic. What THEY are doing is rude. I would have lost my cool long before now if I had to deal with what you describe. Honestly, the first thing I do when returning home (usually with refrigeration required groceries in the back of the car) is to get my groceries inside, and often go to the BATHROOM. Uh... sorry... not watching your kids and not "visiting"...

He sounds bored just like if it was a sahm livin next door thriving on your company.... so I dont think it really has anything to do with gender. I don't think you should have your husband talk to him since it's not your husbands issue to deal with, it is in fact yours. I know what it's like to live in a neighborhood and have great neighbors and you don't want to mess that up, so it's definitely a touchy situation to be able to get your point across without ruining the neighbor bond entirely. I'm thinking on what to say as I take my first sip of coffee....
Have this conversation on one of the days that you drive up and he and the kids come out and the kids are all distracted playing with each other so they don't hear.
"Bob, this is sort of uncomfortable for me to ask but I need to because we really enjoy you as neighbors. There are days when "Suzie" and I are in the yard and I'd really like to spend one on one time with her, and sometimes when we pull in from shopping or whatever I already have a plan in mind and like to get straight in the house without distractions to get things started. She loves playing with your kids and I have no problem with that BUT it would work much better for me if you would allow Suzie to come knock on your door for playtime. Right now I need this structure and I don't like to hurt my daughters feelings by telling her she cant play right now so I'd rather we toned it down a bit for awhile. Would it be okay with you if to keep your kids in your yard until I give you the "nod" for them to come over?"
Maybe give him the mamapedia info so he'll get stuck online and wont be outside as much, lol.

I would send my husband over to have a talk with him.

Otherwise I would be very up front with him since he seems either incapable of understanding or remarkably insensitive to your hints.

"Look, we like our privacy and we'd appreciate it if you'd wait for invitations from us before you pop over - thanks."

Don't answer the door, politely decline. When getting out of your car, simply say, "Hello, nice day today. Maybe next week I can watch them for a few minutes. Call me and we can discuss a good time, but I really don't do good with last minute babysitting. I hope you understand, thanks!"

He sounds like he's bored, not sure how to entertain the kids, maybe not feeling well, possibly in distress. I had a terminally ill father and it's isolating and difficult. Maybe he needs to do some sort of medical treatment or something. Hard to say without knowing details.

If I were you, I would print out a list of close resources and activities and hand them to him. Like child library time, a local splash pad... Maybe include some drop off daycares with good rates. Let him know you were thinking about his situation and thought maybe this list of resources would be helpful. I may even go so far as to go to a Goodwill and spend $10 - $15 on outdoor toys for the kids, or give them some your kids don't use. Its a way to help them become a little more independent, and it makes you not look like the bad guy, plus it's a good way to help a person who may be in distress. If you are feeling courteous you could have a set time, like, at 3:00 on Tues and Thursdays, or 11 on Mon and Wed you can watch them for an hour or two. I know lots of moms that do this. Just be clear on the boundaries you do set, but open minded as well.

I think you are going to have to start saying "no."

When you are carrying your groceries...... "I don't mean to be rude but I have a lot to take care of. Maybe we can catch up later in the week."

When he asks you to watch his kids, "Sorry, but I'm going to have to decline. I'm trying to take better care of myself and less babysitting is on the list."

It's going to be uncomfortable but I would advise you to push yourself and let it be a little uncomfortable. Right now you are enabling him to take advantage of you. You can feel bad for their situation, but it is not your responsibility to fix it.

Invite his kids over when YOU WANT them.

Hard, I know, but it is okay to take care of yourself. You are still a good person.

You shouldn't have to go inside because of your neighbors. Tell them you're having family time, and it isn't a good time for visitors. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

It's too bad you won't share the rest of the story. I think it might help with giving you some advice.

Just from what you do share, it sounds like dad is overwhelmed and possibly in emotional trouble. He's pretty much crying out for help, and who knows, perhaps he's on the edge but has no where to go for help.

Don't forget, it can be really emotionally and physically trying to care for young children while battling an illness. And sorry, I don't care how un-P.C. this sounds, but guys just aren't wired the same way as women when it comes to caring for young children. He's probably well aware of his limitations and is coming to you because he probably trusts you and your parenting skills.

Furthermore, SAHMs are well aware of feeling isolated. Especially if their friends are all working. Now imagine how isolated and unsupported a SAHD must feel! Chances are really good, he doesn't have a "buddy" he can just call to vent, swap recipes or dinner and lunch ideas, go on a playdate to the zoo for a day, or to ask parenting questions during the day. Men have their macho...whether they admit it or not. Sounds like he's at a loss and his woman isn't of any help.

With all of this said, try to be more understanding. And instead of stuffing your feelings or just grinning and bearing it, have an honest sit down with the man. Perhaps you can work out a compromise that is agreeable to you and him.

Tell him, you've had a doosey of a time trying to get to errands and laundry with the unexpected drop-ins, but you would be open to his kids coming over from 1-3 (just as an example) on weekdays for playtime. That way, you know he won't bother you any other time, unless it's an emergency and you can prepare for the kids, and know an end is in sight.

You will still maintain a good relationship with your neighbor too.

As for toys, perhaps consider going through some of yours and see if there is anything your children are done with and give them to the neighbor. Back to my point about guys parenting different than a mom would... he probably has no clue that his kids are needing some stimulating and interesting toys. Especially if his significant is gone all day at a high pressure or high powered job. She's obviously not taking time to clue him in, or shop for them. So perhaps help him out. Or even suggest a shopping trip to the local thrift shop if he's tight on money.

If you think the guy might get too into you, or this will cross boundaries, of course play it by ear and establish boundaries according to the dynamics between you. But I say, for your own sanity and neighborly peace, a compromise on your terms is your best solution. Agree to some permanent hours with his kids, and tell him the rest of your day is off limits.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Sounds like he doesn't know what to do with the kids....

He needs to learn boundaries...if you have a garage - guess you need to start pulling in and closing the door before you get out of the car to keep the kid from running in.

You need to tell him flat out - I HAVE NO INTEREST IN BECOMING YOUR NANNY...learn to prioritize and learn to work around them - get yourself into a schedule and make it work.

You might not be able to set limits or boundaries with him without offending him...especially since to this point he has shown he knows no boundaries and doesn't "get it"...

The only way you can be taken advantage of is you allow it...you might have to offend him in order to reclaim your life...

GOOD LUCK!!!

A technique I learned only a few years ago, and that has worked fabulously for me, is to acknowledge the request and cheerfully or respectfully state what it might do for the requester, then use the word "and" to link to my refusal, which I will usually state as, "AND that will not work for me." No explanation or excuse, which will only weaken my refusal and open me up to arguments or pleading from the requester. Just a calm, definite no.

So, your response might be something like, "Oh, hello, John. I'm hearing that you'd like me to babysit your kids for a few minutes so you'll be free to run some errands. That would be a great convenience for you. And no, it does not work for me." If there's a time in the future when you think it would work for you and your kids, you can add "Maybe tomorrow," or "Maybe next Saturday."

Occasionally people will still wheedle and whine, but you can just repeat essentially the same statements again. If you don't start crumbling around the edges and explaining why you can't, they really have nothing to argue against. And I have yet to find anyone who takes offense at this approach. This response treats them in a friendly and respectful way, with the "and" putting your needs on equal footing with theirs.

If your neighbor continues to pounce the moment he sees you, you can address that in a similar way. "John, I notice that the moment you see me, you ask me to watch your kids. Every single day. I'm happy to have them over occasionally. And your expectation that you can ask me every time I arrive home or come out my front door really does not work for me. I need you to stop doing that."

Practice with a friend or in front of a mirror until the phrases flow easily and you can use a calm and happy voice. You will be amazed at how powerful and friendly you feel.

I agree with everything everyone has said below, but the sad thing is the kids involved here. They just think you all are good friends and will miss your kids and all the fun. :( I know - mushy pot today, I guess.
Maybe in addition to the below - set clear times for them to come over and outside of those times, it is your family time . . . then the kids still get play time with their pals, but you don't feel taken advantag of by their dad.
Good luck!!

He's upsetting you and he's offending you. So why be so worried about offending him?! I can be the same way, but as I've gotten older I have learned to care less about hurting people who are being rude to me. Just tell him "I'm sorry but I can't right now." And don't say anything else. No excuses, no rambling on about being busy. Just a simple statement. Leave the ball in his court to say something or do something. It will stun him and I think you'll start seeing less of him. But you do have to stick up for yourself. That's not being rude. He's the rude one. Remember that.

You may have to offend them in order to set bounderies for you and your family. They will respect you in the long run! I would stop babysitting all together for a while and then ask for the children to come over on my family's time and then it will seem like a gift to them instead of a false expectation. learn to say no graciously but make it a flat NO because anything else may be a guilt trip from them to you.

No I am not able to, I will call you if my schedule changes.

Cut and paste your question into a Word document and change it into a letter to him. Walk it over to him and say "there are some things that you need to know, but I feel uncomfortable saying them to you. Please read this and respect my wishes. I don't want to burn any bridges, but you've overstepped polite boundaries."

Be honest. Honesty and forthrightness gets the job done fastest and with the least fallout.

I just moved to a new place, but we were living next door to my sister and her family. They did all the same stuff your neighbors did--there were NO personal boundaries and she had no problems dropping her kids off on me daily, sometimes without even asking. My sister doesn't like playing with kids (don't really blame her--i hate playing with toys and all that too) so she would cling onto us to keep them entertained constantly. We were even trying to move out and pack up our house and she offered to babysit my kids for me--so what did she do? She opened her front door and my front door (we were in apartments and had a joint hallway) and let the kids run back and forth. Well her kids ALWAYS run to my house for playtime so we were trying to pack and I had her kids and my kids under our feet while my sister was in her house alone and painting her toenails. Thaaaanks Sis!

We moved away and it helped, but you don't have that option. I suggest lying to him and telling him you're busy whenever he asks. Don't be afraid to tell him you're having Family Time. I would also start suggesting different yard toys and equipment for them--like tell them you found a really good deal on a playset on craigslist or something. It really sounds like he just doesn't want to deal with his kids a lot and doesn't know what to do with them. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, it's such a tough situation for you :(

It is not possible to not offend these moochers. You have to set limits or they will always do this and more. I know. I am nice and tried not to hurt anyone's feelings. Plus, I didn't want to make any enemies. I set limits and they always tried to push them. I finally weeded them out. One accepted it and knows why. The other still plays the victim, but I don't care and refuse to discuss it with others. I am free of them and it feels GREATT!!!!