Gossiping Mom

I wouldn't cut them off completely. Just avoid getting into conversations with them. Befriend others in the neighborhood. I would especially seek out the ones she bad-mouthed. You'll probably find them to be really great ladies who didn't want to hear the gossip and were upfront about it.

I have been in this exact situation and it is best to just leave them to their own. You don't want to get caught up in all of that high school style drama. It is not worth it...my husband is in the navy and we have wives/family groups and they are horrible about gossiping. if someone doesnt show up to the meetings they start talking about that person and it is generally lies and rumors just so that they can say they told everyone. I find women that are like that to be attention seekers and they need to be shown that if they behave like that, they will not be as popular as they thought!

Hi B.,

Yes, sadly there are women like these everywhere. I have one in particular in my neighborhood and honestly I just stay away from her and don't allow my kids to play with hers. I know there are a few people I can trust if I have to vent but other than that I never say anything negative about anyone else to anyone else.

GOOD LUCK!

Hi B.,
There is no need to worry about your neighbor. Just don't hangout with them - period. You've got alot in your hands to take care of, and this is definitely not something you want to add in your daily busy routine.

When I moved here in 2000, suddenly I have all these "friends". Soon I realize who are my real friends and who are what I would just call "fiend". I wasn't happy with all the "drama" that I turned around and cut my ties with all of them - literally. Obviously, there's was more gossip and chat about me, but who really cares. There was no regrets and the next thing I know, I became so picky of who I want to be friends with. Unfortunately, it sucks!

Friends do not gossip and talk about each other, especially not behind your back!

No reason to tell them why you stop talking and hanging out with them, you just don't tell them anything. Remember, silent is the killer! As always, be polite, acknowledge each other when you drive by them, etc. Keep yourself busy and you will eventually "not" miss a thing about them.

Life is too short to be worrying about things that you are in control of doing and in your case, you CAN do something about it.

Good luck to you, don't worry, be happy!

-- R. D.

I have had situations like this and don't think there is always a set rule for how to handle it. Since personalities vary, you can't be sure if you should take a stand and explain your concern for talking behind people's backs or if that will only fuel the fire. I think the best way to handle this mom is with kindness. Rather than confront her with honesty in good faith, I would keep opinions to myself and try to keep all conversations positive. If you find her digressing to a negative topic, try redirecting to a positive note. Maybe, after some repetition, she will get the idea that you would like to have a friendly relationship with her without the negative commentary. If she doesn't want that kind of friendship, she may stop socializing with you...but what would you be loosing in that case? (I hope it helps)

B., I think that you need to let these ladies know that it is not okay to talk bad about another person when they are not prenent to defend themselves. You should challenge them to say whatever it is to the person's face.You may also want to tell them that you are not that type of person and from now on, you would not partake in any conversation that will hurt another person. Also encourage them to talk about positive thing. You may not change that person, but you may have an effect on that person.
ann

Hi B., I'm 33 with a 12 and ten year old too (almost 10) I also have an 8 and 3 year old (almost 3). Anyway :) I felt I had to write you cause we have so much in common. Your neighbor, both of them, let them have eachother-- don't "cut ties" and end the relationships but don't bother hanging out with them.. but know that since they talk about everyone.. they probably talk about you too.. but so what!! you just have to accept that they probably do and keep it moving. You cannot control them or what they talk about, but you can control who you call your friends. You are different from them, obviously, and there is no need to try to fit in with them-- If socialization is what you want, there are many classes to take-- some with baby and some without, kickboxing for example.. you'll find people of your own quality to hang with or just chat with. Don't even sweat it.

L.

Hello B.,

I moved to Elkins in January 08 and have been some what shy when it came to making new friends for the same reason..."gossiping" and that I have wonderful friends back home. That is something that I have not been able to tolerate because of past experiences...sad to say most people who do the gossiping are very insecure and have very low self-esteem. I too have had a bad experience here because of jealously and envy. Ending the relationship is the best thing you can do, you seem to have tried your best. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be nice, wave or say hello but the dinners and hanging out shouldn't be as frequent. If you continue you will eventually find yourself in the middle of the two and in the middle is never a good place to be.

Good luck,
M.

Wow I think this is a woman's nature. I think in life you may find a handful of TRUE friends, but aside from them no one else really matters. I think everyone talks about everyone at some point, but some are worse than others and it can get out of hand. If you feel like these people are not true friends to you then I would cut ties... if they are stressing you out it won't hurt to lose them.

I'd find other friends. : ) If this isn't the kind of environment you want, don't put yourself in it.

Good for you for not wanting to be like this! We women are too hard on each other as it is--we've got to be more supportive!!

D.

I do agree that you should cut the majority of ties. YOu can be polite and friendly if they speak or even visit you. If they start gossiping again, just make a comment that you don't like to talk about others or hear any gossip.
Your values may cause them to stop and think about what they are saying.
Usually people that gossip feel insecure about themselves and have to make someone else look bad so others don't notice their assumed faults.
It really is as much a sin as stealing or lying. When you gossip, you are hurting others.
F. C

Hey B.!

Absolutley. Being a mom of 3 is hard enough, And i'm sure you have your own personal issues, just like the rest of us. I have made it a point to cut ties at the first sign of drama. That maybe why I have been in Maryland for 7 years with little to no friends, But I feel better around people who bring me up and not down. I have delt with alot of 2 faced people in my life and it's quite disgusting in my opionion. It's just that they have something worse going on or like the saying " misery loves company" I have found to be true. Now don't get me wrong a little gossip here and there doesn't hurt, who doesn't like a good story once and awhile, and who wants to be serious 24/7, as long as it's not malicious, But all and all you know in your heart when something is just not right. Trust me follow that feeling and let that go! Just sending a comment from a fellow mom who has dealt with the same thing!

M.

Hi B.,
I had a situation like this not to long ago. I cut her off. Our husbands work together so I have to be nice when I see her but other than that I dont talk to her or anything. I would rather have a one or few good close friends then alot of shady caddy ones. There is always going to be drama where ever you go but it doesnt mean that it has to be a part of your life.

Definitely don't cut all ties. Start calling all of them all the time, be really needy, show up unannounced and call all of them your "bff's". Use really profane language, chain smoke and start drinking ALOT around them.

I'm just kidding, but wouldn't it be funny if someone did that? You would soo be the talk of the neighborhood then!

Like everyone else said, just find other stuff to do. They sound really annoying.

B. -
I recently had posted something asking where to find support since this site was not offering it for me. After that post I received 6 emails from mothers that brought me to tears! Basically most of them said that I was "pitching" my business and so they felt the need to not respond or even read further into what I was actually asking. Now, I received these 6 nasty emails first! It really made me see that moms and woman can be down right mean and nasty! I almost was to the point where I was going to drop the site.
The great thing is that I did receive 1 email from a mother offering support and able to see past my passion with my new business and life.
This in itself can show the "statistics" behind how many women will actually be supportive, and TRUE friends!
I would drop them like wild fire!! As you mentioned, you do not need friends in your life that are going to back stab each other. They are like the moms I got the nasty and unsupportive emails from and will bring you nothing but pain, hurt and negativity!
Keep pushing forward! Let them talk. People like that do that because they are insecure about themselves and the only way they can make themselves look better is to trash everyone in their path. You don't need that!
You are better than them! It's clear, so push forward and look for that 1 person that shares similar interests and can offer positive support!
HTH
Jenn
Mama to Bryce~10 Austin~7 Taylor~2
Send me a private message if you want and I can give you my personal information to chat whenever you want to...

Wow! Sounds like desperate housewives! Lol....on a serious note, they sound like they have nothing better to do with their time. If you can't have a constructive conversation with them, try to steer it in a different direction. If that fails, then maybe you will have to cut ties...but be assured they will talk about you! (just kidding) ;-) Don't worry yourself about other people's issues though. We are not in elementary school and if they can't act adult like, you have children to raise.

Dj

Oh, this makes for an awful situation! I feel badly for you. You can be sure that if there is gossiping going on about others, there is probably gossiping going on about you...with that said...severe ties, but remain polite. A home is where you want to be able to relax and not worry about what is being said about yourself or others.
Best of luck!

Women in general can be very caddy. As for your friend or neighbor, I would socialize to keep order in the neighborhood but would distance myself from a time consumed friendship. I know many people like the one you speak of and I am friendly, but I don't waste my time playing the same game. Life is too short to spend time with those you don't care for or trust. If you are a social person, get out there and meet some other gals. Friendships aren't just made with neighbors. I moved here 6 years ago and didn't know a sole. I have many girl friends now and continue to meet them. I have Gym friends, NEighborhood friends, church friends, childrens school friends, Mom group friends, friends of friends, etc. I even have made friends with a group of Mom's at my daughters ballet classes. Point is, get out there and meet others, don't just rely on the one you first met. She sounds like a real "tool" to me. Not anyone ,I'd like to spend a whole lot of time with. Hope this helps.

K.

Sounds like its right out of Desperate Housewives. I'd cut them all off. Who needs friends you can't trust not to talk about you behind your back. Some women never grow past that mean high school girl stage.

It's amazing...I have a story that is almost exactly the same. When I was new to this area I also became good friends with somebody who turned out to be my worst enemy. I found out after three years of being friends, that she was constantly talking about me behind my back and saying the exact opposite to my face. She was also doing the same thing to our other friends to me. In the end, however, the three of us got together and compared notes. We decided that it would be best to confront the situation head on. After we did that, though, our friendships with her ended.

I have found through this experience that people simply don't change. At this point in my life I am just not going to surround myself with people that are unhealthy for me as she most certainly was. I would suggest the same for you as well. Cut all ties and move on to find friends that you can trust aren't gossiping about you or about anyone else!

I highly suggest a great book, Fearless Living by Rhonda Britten (I teach a class using it)...it talks about how to talk to your friends and give permission to "vent" and other times how to change conversation and talk about something that is more positive...unfortunately a lot of people bond around complaining, even about their neighbors. The library would have it, it's a great book. It will give you a great tool to use. Basically people do this to make themselves feel better and to bond with others...but there are better ways to do it!

Hi B.,

This is my fist time commenting on this site. However, as far as your gossiping neighbors, I would stay clear of them both. People may think that I am standoffish, but that is okay by me. Don't misunderstand what I am saying, it is very nice when a neighbor(s) have welcomed you to the area. It is good to know the people in your neighborhood, but I am always a little leary when they start to become to chummy so soon. Also, it's quite obvious that they have too much time on their hands.

Wishing you all the best.

A little about me:

My name is A. and I reside in Waldorf. My husband and I are expecting our first child together; however, I have three step children and the 15 year old has been living with us since he was 10. The oldest son is in the Air Force and the little girl resides with her mom. I am very excited about the new baby. I felt it moved for the first time this morning...which is so great!

Hello, i was reading your posting and as a mother and just being a women i have found this sort of thing happening all the time and I just wonder if this behavior is worth putting up with.You being a mother have more important things to worry about and i'm sure you do not need this added stress. If you do not feel like you want to stand up to these women and tell them exactly how your are feeling, then i would cut ties with them because life is hectic enough without having to worry about petty women.

I have come across people like that over the years and instead of completely cutting them off I just keep our interactions short and sweet. I keep things pleasant but at a distance. No need in openly cutting ties and making things awkward.

I have had a similar situation with a mom I met thru a preschool mom friend. She was very nice and outgoing when we first met, then slowly she started conversations with things like "I'm not one to speak ill of others" or "You know I don't like to talk about problems others are having". The first few times it was more of a could you believe that this could happen type conversation starter, but after she thought that I was into hearing about other people's business she would tell me really personal things about others problems with husbands, children, etc. I kept telling her that I really didn't need to or want to know that stuff, if the person wanted everyone to know then I was sure she would tell us individually or talk about it when we were all together for lunch. The woman never did get that I didn't like to gossip about others and I finally told her that I had decided that I couldn't be buddies with her anymore. I thought she was a nice person but her non-stop gossiping made me change my mind, after all if she was telling me things about other people what was she telling others about me. You have made the best decision by stopping the relationship. Like I tell my 5 year old you don't have to be friends with everyone, just polite to everyone. That way they can't say anything bad about you. Your neighbor probably has a self esteem problem where she doesn't feel good about herself or her situation so she looks for all the negatives in others and talks about them thinking that if she talks about others then they won't find her faults.

my opion yes i have been around ppl like that i am a nvy wife I stay to myself people find out about who ppl really are after awhile I know its hard to be alone without friends sometimes but in the end they find out the truth

B.,

It sounds like your neighbor needs a hobby, seriously!

As the old saying goes......avoid negative people, places or things. I'd just be pleasant when you see her, but avoid making social plans to get together. In time, she'll move onto her next unsuspecting victim.

We have a few of those people in our own neighborhood and my tactics have worked well.

C

Some people call it gossip and some call it keeping other in the loop about their neighbors. Its probably that they stay at home too and when they get together with you its the only time that they get adult time with adult conversation. They probably don't know what they have in common with you except your child, which they don't want to talk about so they go to the next best thing. The neighbors. Try talking to them and try and find other common topics. This will also help you divert the conversations. If that doesn't help, you can cut back on your runins but don't go out of your way to avoid them. Otherwise you'll become the focus of their talk.
Just a thought.
Meg

some people just dont have anything great to talk about so they talk about others. they usually mean no harm but in the future if she talks to you and starts up about someone else change the subject and make it known that you dont care to hear about others business. and dont tell her anything you wouldnt want spreead around the block. hope that helps.

I dont understand why women love to gossip sooo much it can be so hurtful. i would steer clear of an intimate friendship with these women.they are your neighbors so by all means be pleasant and make dinners for them when they are sick and show them kindness but dont be best friends with them. i can promise you if they are willing to gossip to you they are gossiping about you! these type of women are never true friends,i can bet my life on it they go at you when you are not around.it is so sad that women feel the need to be so petty,but you will be saving yourself alot of pain by just staying out of it all.dont chime in when they get started,infact let them know that you arent comfortable with talking badly about people behind there backs. just stay away from it. good luck. love abby

Hi B.,

My advise would be to get away from that kind of aura. I have friends that are like that and I have known them for a long time. I stopped hanging out with them because I feel that they have a lot of negative energy that I simply do not want in my life. I find that I love being around positive people and that aura is what I need in my life and it sounds like you need it also. This does not mean that you can't be nice it just means that you simply remove yourself from their reach.

it depends. do you have other friends? would you be all alone if you stop talking to these women? can you actually cut ties? do hubbies talk sometimes? how would that affect them? the thing is, later in life we realize real friendships are meant to be created before we have families as it is difficult to find someone to become good friends with when we don't have the time to give the friendship a chance, kids, work, time to ourselves etc. if you're not looking into creating 'bossom buddies" with these women i wouldn't bother stop talking to them. hi and bye, how are you stuff like that and go on your merry way. don't stress though it is in our nature to talk :)

Yes, I would steer clear of both of them. If they are talking about one another behind each other's back, you can bet they are talking about you and your family also.

Hi B.,

Avoiding relationships at a young age is very disastrous for you later in life. Learn how to set boundaries on your friends. You might as well learn now as later. You need some techniques, go to classes at the mediation center. Hope this helps. D.