Help Me Fix Me So I Don't Keep Attracting Frenemies

Such women who come to you and tell you that other women are backstabbing you, may be wanting to cause more drama, and pain( not spare it). Women who like to gossip, talk bad about others, or ask you too many personal questions are to be avoided.

I don't think their is anything wrong with you. You may be a little passive and naive about people and their intentions, but you also are empathetic towards others. Knowing that you have a mean neighbor, but understand that she has problems, and is a little lonely shows that you are a kind person. I would befriend that neighbor instead of the others, honestly. Be the bigger person always, do not let what other people say to you effect how you are and what kind of person you are.

Find a new circle of friends, or don't have any at all. Problem solved. You don't need to change, you just need a change of scene, props and extras.

I can relate to this. I have had to cut off 3 "friends" in the last couple of years because they were nothing but drama.

My DH had doubts about all 3 of these people way before I figured out what they were all about, and unfortunately, his bad friend radar is now 3 for 3.

He also observed that since I am a nice, passive, friendly person, I tend to befriend those that are opposite of me - Alpha types, controlling, manipulative, spoiled, self involved, drama loving people who thrive on getting their claws into someone trusting like, who they can string along. I hated to admit it, but he was right.

I think back to when I befriended those people, and I was at a point of being so desperate for friends - ANY friends, that I took what I could get. I was also desperate for playmates for my DD. In any event, these people knew that I was in a vulnerable place & took advantage of it. Yes, I let them, and believe me, that will NEVER happen again.

I don't really think you need therapy, honestly. I think you may just be giving off that insecure, passive vibe that toxic females thrive on. You just need to make better choices when it comes to friends, and trust your instincts when something feels off about someone. Be true to yourself, and honest with others. If you don't feel a friendship is working, then tell the other person. Always trust that little voice. If I had done that, I wouldn't have had to go through what I went through.

And, whatever you do, do not spend your energy confronting them. They will either a) deny it & be fake or b) start a fight with you. Women like the ones you're describing love the fight, the confrontation, the drama. They want you to have a reaction. Silence is golden. Be the better person.

Hi L.,

As a chick, I hate chick drama as much as your husband does. One of the things that I try to tell my daughter, who has a friend who is consistently telling her what her other friends did or didn't say, is that they aren't being very good friends either.

These friends that are coming back to you and telling you what someone else said....they aren't really being good friends either. There isn't anything you can do about someone else's nasty words. You are hurt, embarassed and upset now and there isn't a thing you can do to change it. It's served no good purpose. I think a friend defends you to people being nasty to you and then only tells you something if it helps you avoid a bad situation, like, "Watch what you say to her, she's a gossip."

The key is to invest in yourself in such a way that what these people do or don't say makes very little difference in your life and what you think about yourself. Confidence is one of the most attractive qualities in anyone. You should think highly enough of yourself that, when someone comes to you and tells you that this or that person is saying mean things, you can look at your friend and say, "Well, that's just ridiculous isn't it and I hope my friends know me well enough to know a lie when they hear it." Then you move on. You will never be able to control other people, but you can control how much you let their crappy stuff matter to you. You just have to make sure you know and like who you are and that you matter to you more.

Hope this helps.

Watch out for people with such small minds that all they talk about is other people. They've been around since the dawn of time.

Anybody who jabbers to you about others will jabber to the others about you. How do you know that the twentieth part of what she's saying is actually true? How do you know that it isn't two per cent truth and ninety-eight per cent creative imagination? That's what gossip usually is.

And there are many folks - men as well as women - who think it's their heaven-sent duty to spread this dirt around! They're not really interested in your pain, unless it is good fodder for more gossip.

You are under no obligation to believe *anything* this woman tells you. That's the only way you need to change. It's too bad, but people like this enjoy an audience - particularly a credulous one!

You're better off having tea with the bitter old lady whose character you're aware of than with someone who is "just telling you this because you ought to know, my dear."

Actually, you might think about asking your counselor how to take charge of conversations with the neighbors. That way, *you* can decide what you will listen to - and how to change the subject.

"Frenemies." Gotta remember that good word. Thanks!

This is probably not what you want to hear but when you are healed they will no longer want to be your friend. I have no idea why and I am not even sure therapists understand it but no matter what you present outward if inside you are still a victim they pick up on it. Some people take predator roles, some protector roles but they are all playing off your personality that says victim.

Keep with the therapist, do what they say, learn yourself and heal. They just stop bugging you after that.

The problem I had was I could see what they were doing but no matter what I said they kept wanting to be my friend. Once I was fine they didn't want to be my friend and actually left in some pretty rude ways, but hey, they left so I am happy.

this "friend" who keeps telling you that so and so is talking about you behind your back is the one with the problem, she sounds border line phycho. the next time she tells you that so and so is talking about you, tell her, "gee, they said the exact same thing about you, maybe you should go talk to them "the beautiful thing about problem personalities is they are extremely gullible, mainly because they are so wrapped up in themselves, they think that everyone else is too. if you go to all these women who have told you in condidence of course that someone is gossiping about you, simply tell them that this person came to YOU and told you the exact same thing about them, this game of round robin gossip will keep them at each others throats for months, in the mean time, they wont be bothering you.
K. h.

You cant please everyone. Just be you and if they dont like you, let them talk or leave you alone. Id be concerned about the ones telling you and if they are also talking about you behind your back, some people just like to make trouble where there is none.

Hi L. M.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Some thoughts:
1. Focus on your true friends. That is, in life there will always be acquaintances whom are there because your kids are in the same school, you live on the same block...OK. They don't have to be your friends.

2. Friends are the family you choose. Nurture. cultivate. focus your good positive energy on them.

3. You are perfect the way you are...i would just keep focussed on the positive people in my life. ignore the negative.

4. lastly, yes you are perfect. but all of us are works in progress. otherwise we would be not be human. I would work on yourself only as far as you want to, for your own happiness, growth and fulfillment. Not because of unkind people in your life.

I am sure if I lived near you, we would be true friends.
Hope this helps, Jilly

If someone is saying something bad about someone else, they will say the same thing about you. Don't allow your neighbors to gossip, nip it in the butt.

I suggest looking up assertiveness training, either books or online. I took it when I started working out of college, to help handle office drama and the like, and it changed my life!

This may be easier said than done, but why not stop caring what they think? If you are a good person and do not intentionally hurt people, who cares if they have nothing better to do than sit around and talk about you.
Everyone will talk about you at some point, I dont care who they are, but you cant worry yourself over what others think. Like I said, if you are a good person, and mean well, they are the ones that need help if they cannot find anything better to do. Just be thankful you are not like them and move on.

I agree with Lisa C. and Rae A. - be careful with people who "carry tales" back to you. In my experience, 95% of the time tale bearers are up to no good themselves. Every now and then a true friend *does* have your best interest in mind. But that's the exception, not the rule. I would question these women's motives for telling you things that you can't do anything about anyway (what's done is done).

IMHO the best "cure" or "revenge" is to deal from a position of strength. Know yourself and what makes you tick, and live your best life. Let the rest go. I would not sink to the level of engaging in negativity, unless it serves a clearly positive purpose (and many times it doesn't).

Good luck.

I've dealt with this recently in a new neighborhood. It's two particular women. One constantly complains or wants me to complain to her and the other one knows the low down on the entire neighborhood. I seem to have alienated the one (not that I'm suggesting this), but I was avoiding her as best as I could. It's a whole lot easier now that school is back in session. The other one is now going on about more neighbors (when one problem gets solved then there's another..) and I'm sick of her altogether. My problem is I gave her the benefit of the doubt over months....I'm now going to be very chipper..."hi good morning! What a BEAUTIFUL day!!!" Then I'm going to be busy. I'm tired of her drama or her bringing up drama for me. She's a bored woman and has a history of being unhappy in homes and neighborhoods. Actually, I plan to be very picky about who I talk to in the neighborhood at all outside of, "hello." Sorry to go on here, but I've just had to deal with this too. I was trying too hard to be nice to these women and, therefore, ended up talking with them too long and then they wouldn't leave me alone, lol.

I would tell the woman who offered you tea (next time) that you have an errand to run or a chore to do and just avoid the conversation. The biggest problem that could happen is that someone gets known as a gossip and you (or me or anyone they are "befriending" are then seen as friendly with them...and maybe the same. It's just not worth it. Just because you live near someone doesn't mean you have to be friendly outside of saying, "hello." I hope this helps!

While it may be YOU who needs changing, you can only control you. You cannot control other people or what they say and do about you behind your back.

Appreciate your friends who are true and have your back and don't worry about the backstabbers. What goes around does come around.

Even neighbors should at least be cordial & never mind if you're a bit different than they are, why should they care what you do & how you do it. We should all be grown up enough to accept someone's differences of opinion or quirky ways & just be nice to each other, it doesn't take much to be cordial. I'd just say to yourself that you don't hafta prove yourself or conform to their ways to make them happy. You're still being kind to them even though they're not being kind to you. That's really the right thing to do even though it can be tiring sometimes. I have issues w/"fakes" myself. You never know, they might just be jealous for some reason, maybe there's something about you that they wished they had & lash out to make themselves feel better. While I completely understand it really hurts to know that people are backstabbers, there's really little you can do to make them change. It's up to you if you decide to confront them & if you do, try a calm approach, invite them over (one at a time if you feel the need or all together) & just sit them down & have it out w/them but in a grownup manner. Maybe saying something like "It's come to my attention that there seems to be some talk about me & I'm being told by more than one source that it seems to be coming from you. I just was wondering what exactly it was that I've done to make you feel ill feelings towards me when I feel I've been nothing but kind to you. I realize I may be different in my ways than you are but that's no reason to dismiss me or speak ill of me. There's no reason we can't be cordial to one another..." & go from there. That's just a suggestion, I'm sure anyway you handle it will be fine & if you decide to confront, just try to get the point across that their opinions of you mean nothing b/c you're stronger than that & while you'd love to be friends, if they choose not to be, they can at least be nice & accept you as you are. If not, don't worry, just keep being yourself. Not everyone is going to like you but that's their loss. If you decide not to confront, just smile to yourself knowing you don't stoop to their level & they're missing out on a good opportunity to know you, someone worth knowing. Good luck!

What do you want to do? What do you want from the relationships with these women? How are they relating with you? What would confronting them mean?
In a very light hearted way, have a coming out pot luck. Bring your friends together and let them know that you have a problem of people gossiping about you or being indirect. Keep the atmosphere light and open but remain confident in yourself, your desires and your preferred self image during the event.
Make the luncheon a party- fun, not too serious, playful- so that you can have the discussion without it getting all mushy or ugly. Answer the questions to and for yourself first and then talk with them
Your husband is helpful- he focuses on your relationship with him not the insignificant talkers of the neighborhood.
Ugh, Drama