Gift Giving Advice

If my son can't attend a party of someone who came to his, I would buy a present as well. This is particularly true for me if he would have gone if we didn't have other plans.

Dear JC,
I would only try to give a gift to a birthday person, if my child is very close to that child. If they were I may even organize a playdate for the two... Hope this helps. A.

First response - no.

Here's how I didn't take that advice . . .

Just this week I drove 45 minutes each way to bring a gift to a 4 year old who's party we missed. This was because I bought the gift, wrapped it with my daughter and mentioned it to family members on two occasions and kept forgetting to give it to them. The visit & having the girls play was nice, the present was fine but not all that necessary if I hadn't mentioned it. It would have been just fine without it.

We went to a party recently where each child brought a wrapped book, then each child got to pick one and left with a new book!! It was wonderful - and brilliant!

Is this a big birthday party or a small one? If it is a really small one, then I think that would be nice to give the girl a gift. It is nice to have parties and receive some gifts. However, if there are a lot of people attending and bringing presents, then there really is no need to bring an extra gift if you don't attend.

When I have parties for my kids I honestly do not care if everyone brings a gift. My children have entirely way too many toys anyway. I am just happy that kids show up to play with my kids for their party.

However, if you still want to give a gift, I suggest giving a gift that won't take up more space...like gift card (not toys r us). Or perhaps taking the girls out for a fun day to a park or museum.

I would never expect a child to give a gift if she didn't attend. The purpose of the party is to play with friends. It's not a request for gifts. The gift is brought and the fun is watching the child open the gift. Here's the other side of the issue. My daughter had her BD party in Feb and we're already giving some of the gifts away because we have too much stuff. What I do think is nice is that you let the family know that you can't attend the party.

Hi JC, I agree with you. I always give a gift if my daughter was invited to a party, especially if they came to your party. Good luck-D.

I would have that child come over for a special playdate with your daughter and give the gift then. That's what I've done in the past.

If you feel you want to give your daughter's friend a gift, set up a special birthday play date so the two of them can get together and she can present her friend a gift.

I don't think it is necessary to give a gift to a child if you cannot attend their party...even if they came to your child's party with a gift. However, if they are close friends and you want to give a gift, then by all means, do so...it is a wonderful way to show friendship.

Hello! I always give a gift if my child cannot attend a birthday party.

Absolutely- send a gift with an apology note that she is unable to make it!

It feels like your heart is telling you to give the gift and that instinct is always right.

You can never go wrong sending a gift. At the same time, I would never be upset if someone who could not attend my son's birthday party did not send a gift. I would think it was really nice for someone to do so but would not think twice about it if someone did not.

Hi J C,

That's the way I was raised! If you were invited to a BD, wedding, or anything it's proper to give a gift.

At least give them a card.

I don't know the relationship between the kids but follow your heart.

~N. :O)

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
B.

Hi JC,
Absolutely, we give a gift to the friend. Obviously there is a relationship there, and as with weddings, baby showers, etc., just because something prevents attendance, that doesn't mean a gift and congratulations shouldn't be sent or given. We had this happen recently when my daughter came down with an cold just before the party, and we simply dropped off the gift that day after having notified the parents that our daughter couldn't attend and why.

You were right on target with your instinct here. :)

Blessings,

S.

Hello J C : I think that it is wonderful that you are teaching a very old value of politeness. I doubt that anyone will expect you to give a gift. They will be thrilled that your RSVP came when so many people are not kind enough to let people know and they spend time and money on party things for a child that isn't there. If you do still want to give something make it simple maybe a story book? I hope that you enjoy the adventure of parenthood; Nana G.

I tend to send a gift anyway. It's not the birthday child's fault that my child could not come. He/she felt my child was important and invited her. We don't invite everyone in the class to her parties, so we take invites seriously.

Send something that reflects the child and shows your child knows the friends, personal.

Stephanie

I think that if you make it a big deal like this and send a gift even when you can't come it sends the message that the gift is the important part, when it is not. I would talk with your child about how important the day is because her friend is growing older and if she wants to do something special for her friend she can make a card for her, but this should be your child's idea. You don't invite people to your party to get a gift from them you invite them because you want them to share in your happy day, which you cannot. So not sending a gift should not cause hard feelings.
If anything I always cringe at the hugh pile of gifts wondering where am I going to put all this new stuff! I would be horrified if someone who already has other plans came by just to drop off one more toy my kid doesn't need! You have more than enough to do, please don't bother yourself with this. You know that they only play with the box anyway, lol!
Best of luck!

There is abosolutely no reason that you have to give a gift to a child if you are not attending the party. That is ridiculous. Especially if the mother would expect it. Now if you decide to do it, it is a nice thing if the daughter and your daughter are very close but if they are not you can just send a card. The children receive so many gifts anyway. I have often invited the whole class or when my son was in Day Care and I would not expect anyone in the class or Day Care who did not attend to send a present.

Set up a play date that can involve taking the child to the movies as part of the gift and give a small gift as well.

I don't see anything wrong with your daughter giving her friend a gift for her birthday. If you can't arrange to drop it off before the party, you can arrange for another time when your daughter can give her friend the gift in person. They can have their own little party. I hope this helps!

Either way a card is always nice & can be hand made by your child which not only saves you some money but teaches your child about giving & acknowledging someone they care about. Also I think it is SO important, especially in today's word to teach our children about giving & helping for no reason other then 'just because' without self benefit.
I also tend to do things with a personal 'thoughtful' touch. so maybe an idea would be to have your child make the card & give it with a nice mylar balloon on the other child's actual B-day. If it is a school day, your daughter could bring it to school, making the other child feel even more important on her special day. It's not always a material item that makes someone's day including children...food for thought.

I agree w/another mom's advice....if my kid doesn't make it to the party, I don't have him give the child a gift. I make sure he wishes them a happy birthday but I don't feel the need to buy a gift, unless we're friends w/the family. As she said, kids get so much stuff for their b-days & will not miss the gift that your child doesn't give.

I have been giving books! As a mother of 5yr old twins, I am tired of toys & I find that you never grow tired of reading a story that you have heard before. Barnes & Nobles has great books at inexpensive prices, some starting at $4.96. Hope that helps.
I am sorry, I didn't even see your "true" question! Yes, I think it is okay for you to drop off a gift. It just shows that your daughter cares for her friend.

While not many people do this, you are correct in still giving a gift whether or not you are attending the party.

JC,
It is a nice (but unnecessary) gesture, but do not feel at all obligated. From my experience most people do not send gifts if they decline the invitation, nor would I expect it.
The exceptions:
1) a very small party or very good friend of your child
2) you RSVP'd yes, but can't make it at the last minute

As most people have said, the important thing is the party itself not the gift, and they usually get more gifts than they need anyway. I usually have my child make a card and bring it to school if they can't make the party.

I would not compare it to a wedding or baby shower. Those are important milestones in life (few and hopefully far between) and the gift giving is to help start them off on the wonderful journey of marriage or parenthood. I would definitely send a gift for those occasions if I couldn't make the party. Birthdays happen every year (unfortunately :)
M.

I would say it depends on how close you and your daughter are to this friend. If it is a good friend, then I would do a present, but if it is just a classmate, then maybe not. Of course, I am sure the child would be thrilled with the gift, but I don't think it is necessarily called for just because you got an invite.
Hope that helps!

Hi JC, I'm a mother of 3 beautiful children ages 4 1/2, 3, and 19 months. My daughter turned 3 in march and my other daughter turns 5 in May. For my daughter's 3 year old party in March, there were 3 invited guests that were unable to attend, but had received presents from us at their parties. We did not receive presents from these absent guests, and in fact did not expect any (because they did not attend). Of course, these absent guests were not given party bags after the party (I always give the guests party bags full of goodies as our thank-you for attending).

For my daughter's party in May there are already two people not able to come that we had attended their party and given gifts. We do not expect gifts from them, and we will also not go to them after the party and give them party favor bags (because the child was unable to attend so we shouldn't expect a gift, and the child's family should not expect a goody bag for their child because it is a thank-you for attending).

However, there are a few exceptions to this for our family. If the child is a super close friend of my child- the kind that we buy Christmas gifts for, then yes, we would still buy them a birthday gift even though we cannot attend. Or if the child is my husband's bosses child, or if they are someone of similar distinction. Otherwise, if they are just a classmate or a playgroup member or a neighbor or someone in a dance or music class, then no. There is no obligation to buy a gift if your child does not attend the festivities and eat the cake and play the games and etc.

Hope that helps because that is how myself and the other moms i associate with feel and it keeps things running smoothly for all of us here at our base. =)

I feel that it is appropriate and warranted to send a gift in your daughter's absence. Its fall in the arena of good taste. Its shows thoughtfulness that I am sure will not go unoticed. Plus it plants the seeds of good manners early. Hope this helps.

Yes, give a small gift if you can afford it. (To clarify -- there is no social necessity for doing so, it will just make you and your daughter happy.)

I agree with Karen G., but usually kids want to give their friends a present, so you would be doing it more for your own daughter.

Maybe I'm a meanie, but I wouldn't give the child a gift if we didn't go to the party. Children get SO many presents for their birthdays and neither the child nor the parent is going to miss yours. My son had his 2nd birthday last month and we got lots of lovely gifts, but I have no idea who gave what or who gave nothing.

The exception to this is if this child is your daughter's best friend or if the child is a friend of the family. Gifts and parties should not be about tit for tat. You are under no obligation to get this child a gift solely because she came to your daughter's party.

Hope that helps. D.

I don't think there is any hard and fast rule on this, but if you want to send a gift, by all means do. It is a very nice gesture. Even better, if you can go by their house either just before or just after the party, and have your child hand deliver the gift, it would be much more meaningful to both of the children.

Yes, JC, it would be very appropriate to show your appreciation for the invitation to the party by reciprocating with a small gift and birthday card. You are doing four things...aknowledging the other child's special day, reciprocating a gift that had been given to your child, showing appreciation for the invitation, and showing good friendship and caring. But, remember that it's the thought that counts the most, not how fancy or expensive the gift. Hope this helps you out ! Kathi

hi jc

absolutly...if you feel inclined than do so, go with your gut on this one, but make it something small and thoughtful and something your daughter wishes to give her (with a little pointing in the right direction from you), so it is from her and won't mistakenly look like your putting on airs, but rather just that your daughter wishes to send a little something in place of her attending because she appreciates their friendship and the invite and would like to see her friend recieve this gift on her birthday.
good luck
aline