Getting Family to Consistently Help at Home

ha ha! hi R.! i'm so glad you're back.

i wish i had some terrific news for you, but i don't. i know there are families where the kids pitch in willingly and cheerfully and without reminders. i think they're unicorn families, but hey, i do hear about them.

my boys are awesome. they're all grown up and have houses and wonderful women and great jobs and i confess to occasionally preening. they're just amazing people, and while the ol' man and i can't take all the credit, we enjoy taking just a little.

but i tell you true, that was one parental aspect we failed in miserably. my kids DID do chores and we did have expectations of them, but at no time did we ever get to the point where they just did what they were supposed to without reminders (sometimes at-wits-end loud extremely frustrated 'reminders') and without our having to impose some pretty tough sanctions on non-compliance.

the good news is that all of us remember the good stuff more than me being the wild-eyed harridan of a 'bad cop' which i sometimes was.

let it be a challenge to you.
:) khairete
S.

I agree that your expectations are reasonable, although I think 90 minutes at home leaves practically no time for kids to get anything done. So you might want to look at the sports commitment for kids so young.

I think you are reminding too much. Look at Mynewnickname's response about natural consequences. It's vital that the kids "pay" for their failure to do the little that is expected.

You do realize that your biggest problem is your husband, right? Your kids emulate him, and they have learned that men aren't supposed to do anything until the woman in the house nags and yells. They are following his example.

So I would let your husband suffer the natural consequences of not doing things, and I'd lose the term "help" for household chores, as if the whole burden is on you and it's only up to their charitable inclinations to do something that's really your problem and responsibility. That's an entire attitude adjustment.

If I were in your shoes, I would go away for a 3 day weekend when your husband is home, and not put one meal in the freezer and not leave one set of instructions besides the list that's already up next to the calendar. I wouldn't pre-wash any laundry or stock up groceries. I'd go see my mother, my college roommate, anyone. If I got a call about "Where's my soccer shirt?" or "Where do we keep the ice cubes?" (a real question from my neighbor's brother-in-law to his now ex-wife!), I'd say, "I'm not sure. You'll have to look." If I got pushback upon my return, I'd be packing my bag for the next weekend.

You teach people how to treat you. If the weekend strategy doesn't wake anyone up, then go to counseling.

Kids need reminding - sometimes right up till they go off to college.
Some do grow out of it but many don't.
But you don't have to be a parrot constantly repeating it.
Put up a list that they can refer to - on the fridge is good.
If anyone asks you what they need to do - point to the list.

No one makes you feel like a drudge without your permission.
You're going to have to stop doing everything for everyone.

Set up chores that everyone is suppose to take care of.
You do yours - and you don't rescue anyone else if they don't do theirs.
When they complain that something didn't get done, you express sympathy that they didn't do what they were suppose to do.
Basically "Too bad. So Sad." - but you do NOT fix it for them.

It might be drastic but if you have a set time table for things to be accomplished and they didn't do them - then you don't take them to their sports until they've finished their chores.
That will get their attention.
"If you can't do what you're suppose to do - why should I do what I'm suppose to do and drive you where you need to go?".

When your work is done - you go do something you enjoy and have some fun.
I mean it - leave the house - see a movie - leave them to figure out how to deal with their situation.
They may not solve things the way that you would - but they need to exercise their problem solving muscles and practice finding their own solutions.

Eventually they will see that you are serious.

I have 2 strategies that mostly work (my kids are about the same age as yours).
1 - give them at least 1 chore that affects them, and then no matter what, don't step in when they don't do it. In my house, this is their laundry. I don't do it. They both know how to operate the washer and dryer. If they run out of clean play pants to wear and the only clean pants they have are jeans, well, then they have to wear jeans to school (my kids hate jeans). If it's "wear a red shirt to school" day and they don't have a clean red shirt, then too bad, they can't participate. I don't fuss at them when their dirty clothes pile up in the hamper, but I don't take responsibility when they don't have something they want. If they complain to me, I just shrug and say "I guess you should have done your laundry this week." Natural consequences. (I do step in to prevent them from wearing dirty clothes because they would probably do that if allowed LOL).

Obviously this doesn't work well with things like clean bathrooms and kitchens because they would live in filth before it bothered them, so that brings me to
2 - family clean-up time. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, I don't clean up by myself. After dinner, younger kid clears the table, older kid loads the dishwasher, I package up leftovers (husband usually cooks so he gets a pass). On Saturday mornings, anyone who is home helps with cleanup. We go room by room - kitchen, bathroom, family room - working as a team. I think this works because kids this age do still need direction and I am right there to get them back on track if they get distracted. As I'm putting leftovers away, I can say to my older child "you missed the spoon next to the stove" or to younger "great job clearing the table, wipe it off and you are all done" or whatever.

This doesn't work perfectly, especially during our peak sports season and we have weeknight practices and no one is home on Saturday mornings. But it helps.

ETA: I just re-read your question and have a comment about your husband. Do you ask him for help before you get so frustrated that you are angry? I know I know, he should SEE that everyone is helping but him. He's not a child and he should know to step up. But personally, I'd rather just say "Hey, honey, we could use some help here" as soon as I start to feel frustrated instead of letting it build until I boil over.

This is hard for me too. My husband also is oblivious to the help that is needed and I try my very hardest to just ask for it nicely instead of being annoyed that he doesn't just "SEE" what needs to happen, because he doesn't. He won't. He never will. And neither will yours.

We are busy too. I think my expectations are more relaxed during the school year and the weekdays. There are days I don't push it because I'm fine with my kids playing or relaxing and not doing the chores that minute. Also, I'm somewhat inconsistent myself. I may or may not get the dishwasher unloaded before they come home from school. If I do, great. If not, I ask them to do it. I am not on a predictable laundry schedule so the days when I have a basket of laundry ready for them to put away varies.

You said yourself that one some days you don't expect everything to get done because of sports, so maybe lose the "schedule" and just ask them to do things when they need to be done. Or make a list of things that are to be done by the end of every Sunday or something which includes putting away laundry, cleaning room, asking Mom what else needs to be done, etc.

We just have to remind our kids. I am lucky though...my husband is totally on board with reminding them and making them do chores they are slacking on. Slowly, with time, some of the chores are becoming more second nature to them (like loading the dishwasher after dinner). Instead of reminding (as in don't forget to do x), say time to do it NOW. Right now. Instead of giving them a choice say go take out the trash and recycling before you can sit down to dinner/get on the computer/watch tv/etc. You really need to get your husband more invested. He is being lazy. Time to have a serious conversation with him about how he needs to step up and parent with you. These chores are not something the kids can choose to do or not...they are necessary every day...like brushing teeth. PS - I'll be interested in seeing how other people on here get their kids to remember all on their own.

Maybe I'm off base here, but I see two issues. The first is your husband's unwillingness to demonstrate to his sons how a family works together. Perhaps when you talk to your husband, you can not make the discussion about chores, or cleaning, but about teaching the next generation to be responsible husbands, fathers, employees, etc. Right now, your husband is showing his sons that you just ignore your responsibilities until someone gets angry. Would that work at your husband's place of employment? I don't think so. A home requires cleaning, care, timely bill-paying, and a family who is willing to work together to keep things running smoothly.

The second issue, maybe, is that your boys are pretty young to be in two sports. You might consider limiting each to one sport or extra-curricular activity per season. Football in the fall, baseball in the spring, swimming in the summer, or one non-seasonal sport like martial arts or gymnastics, etc. When they're older, and able to manage themselves, maybe drive themselves to practice, keep their grades up without too much managing by parents, and if they turn out to be good athletes who are really interested in a variety of sports, they can be on two, even three teams.

But a 7 year old and 10 year old who are on two sports teams each, who can't be as responsible to the home "team" as they are to the sports team, shouldn't be playing that many sports with that many evening commitments. Just a thought. Sports are a privilege, not a requirement, and your sons might need to learn to develop a sense of responsibility and willingness to contribute to the home first before being part of a team playing a sport.

I struggle with this too. Or, I used to. My two oldest are 19 and 20. When they were younger, I had the same concerns that you had. They never did anything without being strong-armed into it. I was exhausting. You know what? The 20 year old is at college, lives in an apartment, and I assume has managed to cook and clean for herself and manage her time. The 19 year old lives at home and although his room is still a mess, he manages to function just fine, has a great job, pays his bills, cleans up after himself in the common areas of the house, can fix things that he breaks, takes care of himself, etc. They are both fully functional adults. Hallelujah!

So with my younger boys...I care a whole lot less. I don't really go crazy with chores during the week and on weekends, will carve out a specific block of time where we all get the basics done and we don't do anything they want to do until after that. Do they work willingly or cheerfully? No. Do they appreciate all that I do for them? No. Do they work without nagging? No. Do I care enough anymore to put a ton of energy into this? No. My house is clean enough, they do their share when made to, and I am not worried about how they'll function on their own. They all figure it out eventually.

Seems like a bit much. I know when my three kids were in sports there was very little time for anything but school, homework, practice, baths and downtime (a necessity IMO.) I did the dishes and put laundry away. I expected them to clean up their own messes of course, and they took the trash cans out once week, and a few other easy chores, but I was a full time homemaker so I knew the bulk of the housework was my domain. If my kids wanted money for some reason I gave them specific tasks to earn it.
Do you also work full time and how big is your home? If you work you should absolutely get some REAL housecleaning help, and your husband should be on board with that. When we moved from a 3/2 1600 sq ft house to a 5/3 3800 sq ft house I no longer tried to do it all myself, I got help twice a month to do the deep cleaning. I still did all the shopping, cooking, laundry and kid related appointments.

Everyone needs downtime - including you, mom!

And I am not seeing that mentioned anywhere in your "weekly schedule".

I think you're describing a recipe for family burnout and frustration.

Create a schedule that has a few delineated "chores times" but also some planned "relaxation time", for EVERYONE.

Oh and - you should not refer to your husband as "helping" around the house...not any more than you should describe him as "babysitting" when he looks after his own children. That is letting him off the hook in a bad way!!

Honestly, I think wives and mommies always take on a "leadership" role from the get go. Then when we get tired of being in charge of everything and ask for a little help the whole apple cart over turns. The transitions to get the rest of the pack on board is a slow, repetitive process.
You seem to be staying fairly calm about it. And I'm sure it will all work out.
8 and 10 years olds are at a very "self centered" part of life. They do not give a damn about their surroundings. All they really are are just eating machines that like to laugh and play.
I do believe that homework and chores should be done right after they get home from school while they are still in "work" mode. The time to relax comes after work is finished. We all know as adults that we have to work before play.
You may have to remind them for awhile, but what if the carrot was if you dont have to remind them they get some type of reward for being responsible on their own? Only you know what that special thing would be.

I get fed up also.

When mine were younger, they were better - we did the "Before you go to Jack's house, the folding has to be done" and that helped. Before devices, not so much. Also, everyone pitching in together - like for dinner - was good.

Now, they all scatter on their devices, and it's like pulling teeth. I even have to text some of my kids because I'm too tired to go all over the house and find them. "Grate Carrots" etc. Pathetic.

My kids are never happy to do chores. Well one is. People pleaser!

My husband does support me, but I'm definitely the routine mean one. I think that's a mom role. We are just cast in that light. I resent it at times. My friends and sisters feel the same. I remember my mom as the mean one. It's not fair.

Sometimes, when my husband isn't 'getting' it, I let the garbages over flow, the laundry pile up so he has no choice but to see how bad it is ... and then he gets it and reacts. Nothing like seeing how your children are not performing their duties to get a man on board. I know that's passive aggressive and I don't resort to that often, but sometimes I do. Frustrated dad gets those kids cracking.