My Son Is a 12 Year Old, I Have a Hard Time Getting Him to Be More Responsible

Sounds pretty standard for that age. You could try making a chore chart to hang on the wall, which he can mark off every day when he completes things. And incorporate rewards if he does them without reminders.

When my 11 year old son says, "Can I do X?", I say sure once you have finished sweeping the kitchen. Or taking out the trash. Or vacuuming the rug. Or whatever chore he has not done yet. When he asks to be excused at dinner we say yes after you have loaded the dishwasher. He needs a motivation. I think almost all boys this age hate chores. My mom had to nag and remind my brother to do things until he left for college. He had a chore list yet he was a complete lazy slob! She gave up at some point on making him clean his room and just kept the door shut. She was shocked the first time she visited him in college and saw he kept things neat as a pin. Go figure!

He's 12.
This is totally normal for 12.
Did you think you'd be done parenting by 12?
(Not that you think this way but I've seen it in some parents.)

Cross stitch this and hang it on your wall:
"The quickest way to fun is to get the work done".

Make it so that there is no tv/games/recreational computer use/ipad/phone time until all his chores and homework are finished.
Fun time is not a right - it's constantly earned by good behavior - and if he hasn't earned his fun then he gets none.
It's simple - and it's totally under his control as long as he gets his act together.

One of his chores at this age should be doing his own laundry.
This is a great one - because if he doesn't do it - it's instant consequences that directly affect him.
If he complains he has no clean clothes - you don't bail him out by doing it for him.

I know that with my 13 YO, it's not that she "forgets" to do her chores, she's just hoping I'll forget and she can get away with not doing them. I have now told her there will be no more "reminders" but there will be consequences if she "forgets." I will give her until she goes to bed, at which time I will come in and hand out the consequence.

As for getting ready for school, when it's time to go, he has to leave. If that means he doesn't have his homework or whatever, then he suffers the consequence. Or he goes to school with his hair uncombed or whatever it is. Natural consequence.

As for making good decisions, that's a work in progress throughout life. No one, no matter how old they are, makes the right decision every time. We learn from our mistakes.

Updated

I know that with my 13 YO, it's not that she "forgets" to do her chores, she's just hoping I'll forget and she can get away with not doing them. I have now told her there will be no more "reminders" but there will be consequences if she "forgets." I will give her until she goes to bed, at which time I will come in and hand out the consequence.

As for getting ready for school, when it's time to go, he has to leave. If that means he doesn't have his homework or whatever, then he suffers the consequence. Or he goes to school with his hair uncombed or whatever it is. Natural consequence.

As for making good decisions, that's a work in progress throughout life. No one, no matter how old they are, makes the right decision every time. We learn from our mistakes.

My kids are 16 and 13. You have to have expectations for them and consistent consequences if they don't do what is expected.

I have a chore chart that hangs on our fridge. It rotates every other week so they rotate their chores. The rule is they do their chores and homework when they get home before they do anything "fun". If they don't do it, then they lose their electronics for the night. It's really as simple as that and there is nothing to argue about. The kid knows what is expected, if they do it, great, if not, they lose something. I rarely have an issue with them.

They also have to be dressed for school BEFORE they come downstairs. If they aren't, they lose an hour of electronics. They are always dressed and ready to go now, I don't have an issue with this either.

Yes, you have to remind them all the time. They are teens! They will try to get away with not doing things. You have to make it so they know what to do and you enforce it. And if they make a wrong decision, that is part or growing up and learning. Good luck.

I understand your frustration.

By 12, when they want to make their own decisions, it's really okay to let them - and let them face the consequences.

So, for example, if he doesn't want to get ready for school, you can do what I did with my son. I told him that if he missed the bus, I would take him in when he was ready and when I was ready (both) which would not be in time for the first bell. I reminded him that late arrivals have to report to the office (school rule, not mine), at which time he could meet with the principal and explain to her why he didn't think it was important for him to get to school on time. I said this without yelling, nagging or threatening - just the facts. He froze in anticipation of this scenario - and he got his butt ready for school.

Chores? Let things go - really. Close the door of his room so you don't see it. But if you have to do the work he is not helping with, then he reaps the consequences. You will answer every request of his (rides to friends' houses, specific meals or groceries/snacks on hand, clean laundry) with "I'm so sorry, I don't have time for that. I am ___________" (fill in the chore of his that he didn't do. Do not cater to him at meals, do not make his favorite meals, absolutely do not have "any time" to buy junk food, and so on.

Is his laundry all over the floor of his room? Leave it there. I know it's unsightly. But what's on the floor doesn't get washed, and sooner or later he will not have his favorite shirt or clean underwear to put on. It's okay. No one dies from wrinkles or dirt. They may be embarrassed - which is exactly what you want to see. You want him to be motivated on his own to participate in the functioning of the household. And there's no reason a 12 year old can't do his own laundry, learning to put it in the washer, put it in the dryer, and (most time consuming) fold it and put it away.

Homework not done? Fine - let him get a bad grade. Who cares at 12 years old? It's not going to affect his future. (Constantly reminding him WILL affect the type of person he becomes.) Let him deal with his teacher, let him stay after school to get work done or get extra help, etc. If it's inconvenient for him and he has to walk home or wait a good long time for you to get there to pick him up, oh well - this is HIS CHOICE. He CHOSE not to get to school on time, he CHOSE not to do homework or to turn it in, he CHOSE to meet with the teacher or the guidance counselor for extra help...whatever the issue is, he CHOSE it.

At 12, they are pushing back with a normal desire for independence. They don't want to be bossed around by their parents, they don't want to be told to go to bed or to get up or to get ready for school or to take a shower. So what you do is you allow them this independence - drawing the line only for health and safety - and you let them see that they don't make such great decisions unless they think about it.

I don't know what bad decisions you are talking about so it's hard to weigh in on that. Perhaps you can amplify in your "So What Happened" section or add in "Edited to Add" at the bottom of your original question. If he's not wearing a seatbelt or taking medication, you have to step in. If he's hanging out with unsavory kids, you step in - you ground him, and you don't drive him anywhere. If it's more serious than that, you may need to take additional steps.

But for the routine defiance and forgetfulness, let him enjoy the consequences of his own decisions until he sees the light. You have to stop catering, and you have to stop reminding. Just tell him that you won't remind him anymore, but you won't accept his anger or frustration for not having done so. Have this as a calm, rational discussion of the facts. You are not abdicating you responsibility - you are teaching him to develop the skills needed to become an independent adult. Those don't come overnight. Like anything else, they are practiced over time.

1. Be clear and concise when you assign a chore. For example, "clean the bathroom" means very different things to different people. To some, it might mean that every surface should be scrubbed and sanitized, and to others, it might mean just basically see that the toilet seat appears usable and not gross. "Pick up your room" is pretty vague. So if your son has a chore, like "take out the trash", be clear. That means, take the kitchen trash bag to the trash can outside, make sure the outside trash can is covered securely, and put a new bag in the kitchen basket. Make a list with your expectations and post it. Keep your expectations realistic.

2. Establish logical, reasonable consequences, set them in writing, and follow through with calm consistency. If he doesn't get ready for school, let him face the natural consequences. If he refuses to set an alarm and get the bus, and if he's late, he'll have to take the punishment - from the school personnel. Make sure that you're not fussing about whether he wore socks that don't match. Who cares? If that's what you mean by "getting ready for school", then reset your standards. Help him with a posted checklist: backpack, homework, lunch or lunch money, permission slips, sports equipment, etc. Make sure he has the tools to be on time, like an alarm, a spot for his school things such as a cubby by the door, a small bench, etc. If he refuses to do his reasonable, assigned chores, then he loses privileges that make sense. His bike was left out in the rain or in the driveway? He loses his bike for a week. He stayed up too late with something electronic, and missed the bus? No electronics for a week. State the rule once, make sure it's clear, and then let the consequences do the reminding for you.

3. What do you mean by right decisions? Are these decisions you think he should be making, such as "you should be trying out for band because you have such potential and you're wasting what could be a future in music?", or "if you don't start volunteering and joining Scouts, you may not have enough social involvement to put on your application for a top university"? Does he prefer chicken nuggets to carrot sticks? Or are these vital decisions? Is he overeating to the point where he is now obese, or has he tried smoking or drinking, or does he make himself late for school because he insists on playing video games until 2 am? Does he require medication for some illness that he refuses to take? If his decisions are the immature decisions of a typical 12 year old (he hasn't taken a shower in 3 days and he could REALLY use one, or he prefers Star Wars books to his math books even though his math grade is quite good, for example), then let him be 12. If they are truly potentially harmful decisions, then you have some decisions of your own to make. Get him counseling, and get family counseling. Get him a thorough physical exam.

4. Figure out how he learns and takes in information. He might do better by having things in writing. You may need to ask him to repeat something to you. "What did I say?" "Umm...something about, umm..." And then you may need to make sure there are no distractions, and that what you said really registered. 12 year old brains are reeling with girls, hormones, movies, growing up, etc.

5. Make sure he does not have too much unsupervised access to things like smartphones, the internet, social media, etc. He's not even a teen yet.

stop reminding him.
not about everything. he's only 12, he's not an adult. he still needs some help, some reminders, some structure.
but it's okay to start letting natural consequences be his teachers in some things.
maybe he won't get to wear his favorite clothes for a week. maybe he'll have to eat spaghetti with a spoon because the forks aren't clean. maybe he'll get in dutch with his teacher for not turning in an assignment on time. maybe he won't get to watch tv in the evening because he didn't pick up the toys.
but don't dump it all on him at once.
responsibility is something kids learn in incremental degrees throughout their childhoods. it's not a one-time lesson, or a quick fix.
khairete
S.

It would be helpful if you had written more.

It's normal for boys this age. You just need to stay with him on the chores. After you wash and dry his clothes, he can hang them up. Stay in the room with him. He can't have favorite activities until he's finished what he's supposed to do. Once he finishes, he can have the activity (like TV, Gameboy, computer games, etc.)

Have him put everything out for the next day as part of the chore. If all decisions are made the day before and everything is ready in one place to walk out the door, it's much easier.

It's okay to remind him. His head is everywhere right now. Don't harp or nag. Don't get angry. Just stay with him and stand firm on him not getting to do what he likes before his work is done.