Getting Divorce and Seeking Advice

I've never had to go thru a divorce, but I am a single mom, and here's my main concern. Child support is for the kids' needs. Obviously a roof over their head is important, but also think of food, bills (electric, water, etc), clothing, etc. So, I guess the main question that I would think of is, would it be better off to sell the house, split the cost, and buy a smaller house AND still receive child support? I would definately consult a lawyer on this matter so you can have a clear number, and make sure that you will be able to support yourself and you children.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I am in agreement with the previous response, that you must get everything in writing. Though everyone is in agreement right now, who is to say that with time, you and your ex won't be as compliant.

As for your 7 year old,explaining the situation in honest terms is good, but what she may need is action. Showing consistency, love, honesty, and open communication. Her life is going to be flipped upside down. Life is going to feel unstable. She may need it confirmed that you and her dad are still present, just in different ways now. She may act out, but just be patient.
Though I'm a little biased about counseling (since I am one), I truly believe that if you find the right counselor, it will be really benefical. And not just before you see problems resulting from the divorce. But be preventative.
THere are also a lot of books out there right now that may be helpful.

Sorry, i didn't mean to sound preachy. It sounds like you have a solid head, and a great love for your children. Remember to take care of yourself, you are going through a lot right now. Surround yourself with good friends and family. When you are taking care of yourself, that will make the enivronment more comfortable for your kids.

I hope God blesses you and your children during this troubled time.

You need to get an attorney. I love mine, his name is Allen McKee Dodd his number is ###-###-####. Even if you don't litigate and have a peaceful divorce, you need someone to look out for your best interests.

On the house thing, I'd be concerned. Who would get the current equity? Who gets the equity in the end? You need to be careful, if he gets a wild hair--he could put you out on the street because he's been the one paying the bill.

If you work, he has to kick in (proportional to both of your guys' incomes) for day care. I was surprised how high child care actually was supposed to be--and I only have 1 child.

It's easy to get railroaded into an agreement to try and keep things civil between the two of you--I totally understand that desire. But, you have yourself and the kids to look after.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I've (kinda) been there with the breakup and custody of my family--although we were not married. To say the least, it is not a fun time.

J.~

I strongly suggest that he still make child support payments in the amount of the house payment to your county clerks office. My ex and I have been divorced almost two years now and it is extremely helpful to have the payments go to the clerks office since they keep track of it all. He will pay it there and they will send you a check within about 3 days. Then you can pay the house payment with it if that is what you decide. My ex and I did this same sort of thing and our lawyer said it would be in both of our best interest to pay it through the court and that way if he gets behind, they will take immediate action instead of you having to prove that he's behind. This is something I'm telling everyone who I know is getting divorced. One of my co-workers didn't have it set up through the clerks office and he just quit paying and she had to gather up all the receipts and everything to prove he was behind. Also, if you set it up through the clerks office you can call the child support hotline anytime to check on payments made and mailed at 1-800-840-8757.

I hope this helps and good luck with everything! I know exactly what your going through!

~S.

You may get along now, but at any point that can change. you always want to have it in writing....otherwise if you go to court, you can't keep him to his agreement. Makre sure its apart of the court order.

Please, please get a lawyer. Promises can be so easily broken and you don't want to end up in the middle of a financial disaster if/when he doesn't make the house payment.

And please make sure you have some support. You have my thoughts and prayers.

I would let him pay the house note! Then you do not have to uproot. That would be a double whammy for the kids!! Good luck! Of course I would get it all in writing, preferable a legal document. But also get a lawyer. My ex and i had a pleasant divorce. But now he won't speak to me and is trying to get full legal custody of the girls!!

J. I am already praying for you and your family. You will need to get a lawyer; word of mouth does not last as long. People forget, so you need everything in writting.
Hopefully some of your close friends can recommend a lawyer to you.

J.,

Be very careful regarding the mortgage payment! I would definitely seek professional advice regarding that & insist every last detail (of course) be in writing. How long would he want to pay the mortgage? He will need to pay child support for 16 years, if you have more than 16 years of mortgage payments it could get sticky going that route.

Good luck...

I think if he agrees to pay the house get it in writing through the avenues you will take through divorce. I think having the security of knowing your house will be paid would be terrific in my eyes. If it turns out to be the same $ anyway then take it! OR maybe you could write it in the "contract or agreement" that it will be the same each month and/or week then you can do with it what needs to be done. Sit down and make a list of all the bills and who will pay what and when. If you can come to an agreement on that I promise you it will be a tad less stressful. Then you can get to the issue of who gets custody (sounds like you do) and when he will see them. If you have all of this figured out before hand I am sure the process will run smoother. Lawyers will have to figure it out for you and then you guys will have to come to an agreement and that to me sounds like a waste of time. I have never gone through this but I do feel for you and KNOW you will find the strenghth to get through this. Once everything is done and final you will find your routine and it will all fall into place. Good Luck!

If the court-ordered child support is going to be about the same as the house payment, I'd still go ahead and go through the court system. I've heard too many times when the ex missed a payment or something, and there's nothing in place in the system to handle that sort of thing, except in a civil court. If you go through the court system, there will never be a question about if he misses a payment, or makes it late... you don't want your house taken away if your ex gets bitter about something and stops making the payments.

I'm not sure how to handle your daughter though. Sorry! I hope things start looking better for you.

I have been in your shoes. I divorced my first husband in 1994 with two daughters ages 4 & 7. It was not easy and the children do not understand. The best thing you can do is talk to your children. I don't know if you and your husband are on talking terms, but if you are not, try not to fight and argue in front of the children. They need reassurance from both parents and things will be ok.

From experience with child support, I recommend that child support is established and paid through the courts. It is better for both of you in the long run.

You are not alone! You have two beautiful children that need you.

Terribly sorry for your situation. That is very difficult, but hopefully you have a support network to help you thru. My best advice on the kids is to continue to support them and eventually they will see that while things may change, you are still their Mom and will be there for them. I hope for their sake the father will continue to be involved. As to the child support.... I'm assuming this will be the same (I was divorced in KS, but now live in IN). Please retain a lawyer to represent you. Even if your divorce in amicable there should be someone giving you the straight story and looking out for your best interests. There is also a formula for how child support is calculated based on your income, the father's income and a state formula for how much it costs to raise your aged children. It is also best to set child support up thru the state. That way they keep records on his payments and if you should ever need to take recourse for non-payment there is a non-biased party as to how much he should be paying and how much he has paid. Even if things are great now, you have no idea what may be in store for you for the next 15 years until your youngest reaches 18. Good luck.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. In regards to him paying the house payment vs child support the only problem with that is if he gets angry at you or tries to get back at you then could just not pay the house payment which could put you in a bad situation. But, if you have child support then it is mandated by the court and there in not option to pay or no it gets or else. I can understand you reluctance to go the child support route for trying to keep the peace, but at the same time you need to protect you and your children. I hope this helps, I wish the best of luck to you and your family.

One thing you may consider is going to a pediatric therapist. There is a really good one by the name of Nancy Shirley in Cicero. I'm not sure how convenient that is for you but I drove a bit of a distance to take my son there when we needed to work some issues out with him. If you or your husband has an EAP through work (Employee Assistance Program) they would cover these types of visits.

Also, if you can make it in the house with him paying the payments you could do that. However, in the event that things take a difficult turn you may wish to just have him pay you the child support. While I doubt he would intentionally stop paying and have the house foreclosed on since its his credit too, you are still wise to just figure out the amount of child support and pay you directly. The other part of this is that if something happens and you want to sell the house than the child support arrangement gets fuzzy again because the house would not be in the picture, etc.

Just a better idea to get the child support and you etiher pay the house payment with it or what you need to pay.

Just my two cents. I'm not a lawyer but I bet your divorce attorney would not advise you have him paying the house payment and consider it child support.

While it might seem like a fair trade right now, what happens if you sell the house? Is he going to keep paying you the same amount? When you sign your settlement statement, you'll have to acknowledge that you're aware you're deviating from the legal child support statutes (at least I had to do that in Louisville), and it might not be easy to go back & undo that. At the very least, you'll have to go through the legal system again, which is absolutely no fun, no matter how great a lawyer you have. Do yourself a favor...get the child support you deserve & get it through the state so that there's always a record of what he has & hasn't paid. If it's the same amount as the house payment it shouldn't make a difference to him anyway.

Good luck with everything...I was a single mom of 2 this time last year because of divorce & while it can be hard, it also shows you how strong you really are! Best wishes!!

I personally haven't gotten a divorce,but my parents did when I was in high school. I will tell you now it wasn't any easier then. As a child you are still devistated. My first thing to tell you is that it will take time and you might wantto talk to a counseler with your children. The second thing is NEVER talk bad about their other parent in front of them because that just puts them in the middle. You should also GET A LAWYER!!! don't do anything without one. You have rights and need to make sure that you get them.

Please for the sake of your children, seek LEGAL advice. The thing concerning your daughter is you just have to keep showing her that Mommy will never leave her and let her know that in no way SHE IS NOT TO BLAME!!!! Tell her that sometimes people have disagreements and that they can't be resolved. Let her know that sometimes married people don't get along when they live together and you and daddy feel it's best to go YOUR separate ways but he will still be a part of her life. I just went thru something similar so I can honestly say that I can feel your pain. Do not be afraid to raise your children, have confidence in yourself.

What ever money arrangements that are being made plese get in writing!! That would be a great help to you not to have to worry about housing and changing your childrens environment. That will help greatly. As far as trying to make your daughter understand your seperation from her father I don't think she will. I have been through it with 2 daughters and it took about three years before they really started to accept it. It takes timem and patience so PRAY PRAY and PRAy God will help your familt through this.

I have no advice to offer, I just wanted to say that I wish you well and hope everything looks brighter soon.
My opinion on the house payment vs. child support, if you like your house, I think that sounds great. There is a payment you don't have to worry about, he's worrying about making that payment. (I would hope that property taxes and insurance is still included in what he considers making the house payment.)
I really do wish you well and everything will get better.

J.,
First of all I want to give you a link to the Indiana Child Support Calculator https://secure.in.gov/judiciary/childsupport/calculator/s...

Second of all, I talked to my husband about the situation and I don't believe there is anyway to get out of child support. They will not allow him to get by with paying just the house payment, we are a 50/50 property split state, he will be ordered to pay support and the house payment will be on you, or you will have to sale the house and split the profit. I'm not 100% sure, but my husband and I both have children from previous marriages and have been through child support issues with the courts. Hope this helps, wish you the best of luck!!!

J., you need a lawyer. Period. He may be nice now and acting 'generous' by offering to pay the mortgage, but that's because HE is the one who wants a divorce. Once he gets what he wants from you, there is no telling what he may do regarding the mortgage payments each month. The best way to handle this is through the court system...that way, he is obliged by LAW to pay you what you deserve, if he does not live up to those obligations, there is severe legal reprocussions for him. The child support you will recieve may just pay for the mortgage and then some! Also, if you are concerned about legal fees, most lawyers will sue your husband for yor costs. Why? Because he is the one who wanted this divorce, forcing you into seeking legal help. So, in a nutshell, you will get free legal representation. Ask any attorney you may consult about this. It is handled that way in alot of cases for women with children who are forced to find legal aid. I truly wish you the best, and am sorry that your children have to go through this ordeal too. Sometimes, if you were living in a very angry and hostile marriage, divorce is good for them. Children feel stress and negativity. It is great of you to reinforce that BOTH Mommy and Daddy still love them, even though they do not live in the same house. Again, i reiterate, GET LEGAL counsel and help. Getting everything court documented and ordered is to YOUR advantage. Good luck, and God bless.