Frustrated with Ex

I just wanted to say that I very much agree with Staci F. especially about the Santa part. What a great way to think about it.

I think that it wouldnt be a very good thing to just take her out of his life for her sake .. now i would say to try and sit down and talk to him about parenting time that he needs to have with her.. have you tried like a couple days a week or every other weekend and set it up since he doesnt volunteer. make it a plan that such and such day every week and certain days on the weekends he would have her that way she gets to see her dad and that it would already be planned out

I have to say....your situation sounds like mine 8 years ago. I was 22 and had my son, all on my own and "Dad" was around when it was convenient for him, never paid me anything....When he was around you would think he was this proud Dad but also For example he called on Jan 12 to tell me he had Christmas presents???? Yeah, so at that point I decided NO MORE, I was not going to have a disappointed little boy every time this jerk was not going to show up.

By the time my son was 10 months old, I started dating this man who fell in love with me and my son. We have been together since (although, it took me a long time to trust)My son calls him dad, and 7 years later they have a great relationship and we have nothing to do with the Biological Dad! So good things can happen!

With all that said, I would start court proceeding IMMEDIATELY!! It takes close to 6-12 months to get anywhere! He will still be ordered to pay you something...You would get a portion of unemployment, tax refunds...someday he will work! I still get money each month and in turn by my kids something or take a trip (now that I am not dependant on it!) (It's like my revenge to spend HIS money!!!)

I know the guilt you are feeling and you want to do what is best for her and it hurts to know how come this man does not love her as much as you but from my own experience and you said he does this to another one of his children, I don’t have too much hope that this guy will grow up and be the kind of FATHER and CO-Parent you and your daughter deserves.

I wish you both the best of luck. From my own experience it taught me to make better choices for me and my son and I was lucky it turned out the way it did. I wish that for you too!

M.,

So sorry that you are having to go through this. My father is not in my life at this time...but that is my decision, not my mother's. My father was very much like your ex...but my mom would get us (I have a younger brother) ready and have us waiting for when he said he could come to get us. Sometimes he was there and sometimes he wasn't.

My mother never got in the way of our relationship with our father. She tells me now that she never wanted us to accuse her of interfering, of not allowing us to get to know our dad. As I grew up I learned for myself that he was not a positive influence in my life and that I did not want a relationship with him. I have a friend who's mother kept them from her father...and she is angry with her mother. Unlike my dad, her father cleaned himself up and remarried, has a new family and she is a part of their lives but not to the extent that she would like to be. This is because they really don't know each other because he was not allowed to be there for her.

I would suggest that you allow him to see your daughter, allow them to develop a relationship on her terms. Do not speak ill of her father in front of her, don't tell her she doesn't have to see him if she doesn't want to (leave that for when she is a teen ager). I would hate for her to come along some day and say that it's your fault she doesn't know her dad or that he doesn't come around anymore.

It's difficult when you know (or think you know) what's best...but we need to let our children learn these things for themselves. I love my mother more for letting me learn and allowing me to make the decision rather then forcing me to take her side...which I did anyway and I think she knew I would.

I am in the same boat as you. I am very honest with my daughter. I have told my daughter that I believe her dad loves her very much but he is just not ready to be a dad. I tell her I dont know when he will be but that she does have a mom that loves her more then anything and she can come to me to talk about anything. She will have moments were she will be upset about her dad because she doesnt understand why. But let her know its ok to be sad because you are sad sometimes to. Then mention agian how special she is and how much you love her. It seems to work with my daughter. It just reasures her that I am still her and that her feelings are ok. She will form her owns ideas about her dad as she gets older. There will be ups and downs. Just remember when she gets older she will know who was there and who wasnt.

I have been in the same situation. Continue to let him see her. A, he will either change or B, he will continue to do the same and when your child gets older, will see it and know of all the promises broken and have uneasy feelings about him. But that will be the fathers fault. My daughter is currently going through that right now. She knows she can't count on her dad. Good luck, i know it can be tough and frustrating.

Every time he starts to make a promise, you need to stop him and say "Why don't you surprise us?" That way your daughter still looks forward to seeing him, but is not expecting any certain thing or time. It also takes the pressure off him, that he has to arrange his life in a davance, which he may not be able/willing to do.

You should lay down some ground rules with him about what is okay to surprise you with: lunch, toys, walks to the park; and how much notice you want: a call on the way over, or a true surprise. Even if he still doesn't come through, at least you will be the one disappointed and not her.

A daughters belief in her daddy, no matter what a loser he is, is a great gift that you can give her. It is better for your daughter to think that her daddy is Santa, who only comes around once a year and brings toys, than for her to think he is a jerk and all men must be.

Never, never, never keep your childs daddy away from them in an attempt to keep disappointment at bay. It won't work and the child will only blame you for the time they didn't get to spend with them. Sadly, if a parent is going to disappoint a child, the child just has to learn it in their own time. Your ex doesn't need to be a perfect parent, just a present one. ;)
~L.

At your daughter's age she won't have expectations. Maybe you should decide what would be better for you, and do that. 18 years of excuses will be hard on her, and so is not knowing her dad. She'll grow up knowing that you are there for her and as long as she has that and lots of love she should do well.

The disappointment, or worse hoping that dad will actually do what he said he'd do, is rough on both you and the child. My son was always concerned that he'd missed his dad's call so I had caller id and and an answering machine. Dad didn't call but he could check instead of having to ask and we didn't make excuses for him, he still hoped it would happen.

M.,

Coming from a child of divorce i would sit down with your ex and lay out a plan to have him either in her life on a consitatnt basis or not at all. It is not fair to Ella to have him when it is convient for him. My dad did that and as much as I would like to say it did not effect me long term it did. I have a daugher now who loves her dad more then the world. We have been married for 5 years now and when he fails to make it home when he has told her he would or do something with her he has promised it make me angry b/c i feel her let down.

I imagine your daugher gets some of that let down when dad is not there and it gets worse as you get older.

having routine for her will make it a much easier to grow up and feel secure and have healthy expectaitions of relationships.

Just my thought
S.

I am a 39 year old father of a 6 year old little girl. Her mother only has to pay $7 a week and does not pay that. I feel for you there, I have seen men sign off of their kids because they do not want responsibility, then when the kids turn 18, they want to come and play Dad again. As for him making promises to your little girl and breaking them, that is just rotten. Have you got Friend of the Court involved? I would find another form of child care and just let him disappear if he is not going to be a father. He will do more damage, a child needs a positive role in their life, not a maybe I will be there role. If I could get my daughter's mother out, I would. She spends no time with her when she gets her every other weekend.

Keep him in her life. Kids need to know their dad. Lower your expectations of him. Don't talk bad about him to your daughter or in front of her. When you find a good man, that man will be a good example to her. You don't need to eliminate her slacker dad from her life in order to raise her well. He sounds like a pain in the neck, but c'est la vie. You have to do the best you can with what you've got. She should know her dad, bad or good.

I know exactly how you feel. My daughter is also 7 months old and I have choosen to have her father completely out of her life. He has 2 older children, and while he has only disappointed them over the years, never paid child support, I actually thought "this time it will be different, it's his chance to start over fresh with his child....". Well, that lasted until I was 5 months pregnant and I haven't seen him since. I am currently in the process of having his rights legally removed. It is the best thing I could have ever done for my daughter. She only has people in her life who are there for her 100% and love her the way she deserves. It takes a lot more to be a father than biology. I hope you can make the choice that's right for your daughter. Feel free to contact me at any time if you need advice.

A.

As nice as it would be to be able to kick the ex out of our lives so they no longer hurt their child(ren), it is not the best thing to do, so as long as they are not in immediate danger. I have raised my now 14 year old daughter pretty much on my own her entire life. Her dad and I were together off and on and did eventually get married, but even in those time I was the one who really took care of her. Anyway, when we were not together he rarely saw her and now that we have been divorced he really never sees her or calls her. If he did make plans with me to take her, I never let her know that, I always waited to see if he really did show up or not. If he did, it was a great surprise for her, if he didn't, she didn't know any difference. I always told myself that I would rather her know that I have always left the door open at anytime for her father to come and see her or pick her up and I never denied him visitation. I never wanted her to be angry with me over me not allowing her father to see her. Now that she is 14 she really sees her dad for who he really is and has made an opinion of him on her own. As much as it hurts us as mothers, we have to let the father-daughter relationship move and grow, or not grow, on its own.

Hello i'm Jennie. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I know excatly how you feel. I have a 3 year old who doesn't even know her father. He didn't want anything to do with her until she was a year old and then he got mad cuz i wouldn't let her go over there for a weekend without me. He paid his child support and everything but the agreement was that he was to come out to my house and get to know her and her habits and he did that a couple of times and when he was there he didn't even spend time with her. He just made out with his current girlfriend at the time. And so when my husband and I moved out of state I told him that I would drop the child support if he just left her alone. And so know i'm back in the same state as him and he knows my number and has not called to see her or anything. I would be happy if he just called me to see how she is doing. But I get nothing. And that is fine with me cuz she is happy and living a full life and to her my husband is her daddy. He has been in her life since she was 9 months old. And I'm not planning on telling her any different until she asks me. And then my step daughter who will be 10 in Jan. Her mother doesn't have anything to do with her either. She was taken away from her mom when she was 2 almost 3 years old and her mom has been in and out of her life the entire time. One day her mother had called and wanted her to wish her a happy mother's day and she told her mom that she didn't want to see her or talk to her ever again. And she hasn't yet. But we have been having a lot of problems with my step daughter. She thinks that everyone is going to pop in and out of her life like her mom did. So I think for your daughters sake just stop all contact with him. i would make him come to you guys. But that is the way I feel about this situation. I tried really hard to get my 3 year olds father to be in her life and everytime he told me no it broke my heart cuz he has another daughter and he gets her all the time and spent so much time with her and wouldn't have anything to do with my daughter. So like I said i would just leave him alone and when he is ready to be her father he will come around and if he doesn't then that isn't the kind of father you want for her. I'm sorry this is so long. I hope it helps you. take care.

my ex was a wonderful father until he left us....then his new, other life became more important to him....he would make plans and promises but seldom followed thru....my kids kept hoping he would be there "just this once"....but he seldom was...this led to alot of disappointment for them....now as adults they don't have much to do with him and never really expect much from him......he's still pulling the same bit with them....but as adults they can see what's happening and have come to just not plan on any love or comfort or support from him.....

i vote for not building any sense of expectation in your daughter that daddy will be in her life....if he comes around once in a while that's fine....but don't count on it...

my grandson's father has almost never been a factor in his life....the same thing...many promises made and broken....my daughter tried to raise him to not expect much, but now, at 15, my grandson pretty much hates his father for all the unfulfilled expectations....

and it took my daughter until she was 34 years old to trust a man enough to marry him....because what she learned from her dad when she was growing up was "men leave"....

this is a hard one...i wish you luck...

D.

M.,

Everything takes time and you will know what is right for you and your daughter when the time comes. If you are questioning whether or not to walk away, then you probably aren't ready for it yet. Don't let anyone walk all over you, but don't stay just because you have a child together. Everyones situation is different. You can't make your decision based on the other stories below. You just need to read them and be aware that there are many different ways that this can go. Sounds like you and your ex are young and it takes men more time to grown up. Sometimes they never do though. =-) My boyfriend didn't really volunteer his time with our son until he was about a year old and started walking. He has been a great dad, but it took a little time. Hope everything gets better for you.

-B.

You probably don't want to create the disconnect. Because having limited time/access is better than none. There will come a time in Ella's life that she may decide she's had enough, and then she can't blame you.

I know that it's frustrating, because we all have that ideal we want for our kids. But kids are resilient. They'll learn how to deal with it.

There were times of the year that we didn't see my dad as much mostly because of his job, but when we did, it's kind of like he made sure to make it memorable. We've probably taken more group trips with him over a 3-4 day span than with our mom whom we were with just about every day.

Keep open communication with him and if he does disappoint her, maybe give him a private call to to let him know that she was disappointed. Not to be mean, but informational. He may not even realize that he's doing it. If she is his 2nd dau. then maybe that's a clue that he wasn't ready for the 1st one and the responsibilities entailed, but maybe one day he'll get there. Not as fast as we might like.

I went through the same situation 4 years ago. When my ex left the first time my girls were 10 months and 2 1/2 years old. It was rough. They were okiee when he wasn't around but.... when he would leave it hurt. It hurt my oldest one sooo bad and it hurt me to see her cry. After a while me and him got back together.(BIG MISTAKE) We were together for a year and he left again. This time it was hurt tooo but... i was strong for the girls. I took him back to court and made it so he either set visitation for them or he got out of their lifes. Along with the child support again. I couldn't handle seeing them disappointed any more. As your child gets older it will disappoint them but at the same time they will learn what their real support is. My girls are soon to be 9 and 7 ... they see their dad every other weekend like he is suppose tooo but that is it no more no less. NO school fuctions no soccer games no real birthday parties.... They know where their support is ... and its with mom. Its a 50/50 chance. You either let ur child forget him or u let them grow and learn about them. In the long run i say grow and learn cause you never know what they will be like when they get older. At least u can show them you tried and it wasn't ur mistake. I do agree with GET THE COURT INVOLVED!! I makes it alot better. Trust me. The first time he was gone it made it rough without the court. Involve the courtr so that there is a record and when ur child is an adult u can say look i took him to court. There is more out there in life and yes good things can happen but at the same time of keeping ur best interest in mind, keep ur daughters too. Good luck !!!