Friends Are Distant Since Having My Daughter, How to Address This Issue?

Now that I am a mother of 3 and married, I have found that those friends of mine who are not married and without kids just have nothing in common with me anymore. We've tried getting together, but the reality is they always want to do something where kids are not allowed and I have to find a babysitter (or my husband) and/or they want to do something where I would be out until 2am which is just not so easy anymore with 3 young kids - there is no time to make up sleep and I cannot stay awake past midnight anymore. They simply have no clue about the realities of having kids and think I am crazy when I decline. I have accepted that we have nothing in common and have made many new friends through my children's schools. Now I hang out with other mothers and while I spend time with my friends, our children play and give us some time to breath. It is a win win in this situation. Good luck.

Hi Z.P. - much sympathy re-your experience with your friends who are distant and hard to schedule. It seems to be inevitable that there is some level of friend drop-off once having kids, no matter how hard we try to keep in touch. I have just one single friend left in my circle, my best friend of 22 years so she had little choice, I would have chained her to my house if it came to that. :) I guess there are several reasons why it happens, in that even if you are available to them, sometimes parents speak a lot about their kids which single people can understandably find dull. Or there may be unexpressed jealousy if they want kids but aren't ready to have them for whatever reason. Also single people can do things spur of the moment, which parents usually can't, so they may have last-minute things come up that sound more fun (party, clubbing, dinner with other single friends) so they back out of meeting with mom friends.

Just keep trying, and whoever sticks with you is a true friend, the others are perhaps not as close as you thought they were. Try making the get-together as easy as possible for them - i.e. go to their place, or meet somewhere right near where they live or work? But then they should reciprocate, and if they don't, well, maybe it's time to let that friendship go. It's tough, but it's very common, as you said... All the best to you!!

You may want to join the Miraloma parents network (miraloma park) here is link:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/miralomaparentsnetwork/

It is very hard to maintain friendships after baby comes - not sure why your childless friends would make plans and then back out on you, but I have found that childless friends just call less frequently.

I have also found that when I do make plans, I'm often the one having to back out because babies/toddlers often come down with a cold at the worst time.

Good Luck!

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this with your girlfriends. Very unfortunate they are being this way. I would suggest meeting new moms and getting yourself out there. You can only do so much to connect with these girls and if they are just brushing you aside, after several attempts, i think its best find other people you can relate to. Having a child definitely changes the dynamic but in no way should it prevent friends from hanging out. You might want to think of joining the Golden Gate Mothers club. they have alot of activities and you can meet a new group of moms and having playdates in your neighborhood. http://www.ggmg.org/ Good luck!

It seems that your so called friend's distance might be more a result of what your aptly said in your own question -- they may not have the experience (yet) or temperament of rearing a child and thus create what you see as distance. My spouse and I had a similar experience, however, it was different in a couple of ways. You mention your wonderful, supportive and lovely husband/dad, well, he is that friend, and, although he's busy in his work (oops, you didn't mention that), he's there whenever he can be.

Thus begins that family. As I mentioned about my spouse, we became the everything for our daughter and our daughter the everything for us. In the end, whether this was the best for all concerned, mom, dad and child, we have yet to see, even though that was over 30 years ago. As far as I can tell, with all its limits and all its challenges, our sacrifices in having limited friends and making the best we were able to for our little angel, didn't hurt but helped create a beautiful person and a strong woman who now continues the tradition with a child of her own.

There comes a time when you need to spread your wings and fly. There are many places where you might find new friends who not only share the commonality of motherhood (or parenthood), but the joy of yours and your little angel's company.

By spreading your wings it means exploring new things, new places, new people, all in the hopes of connecting with new friends -- look into this... http://www.lpfch.org/cgi-bin/calendar/index.cgi?gclid=CIT..., but be patient and always optimistic. Your true friends are there for you whenever you need them.

Good luck and keep on smiling!

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I have found that it happens and the best way to deal with it is to try to move on. As tough as it sounds, hanging on to the hope that your friends will come around will end up making you very sad. Just know that they are your friends still and they will come and visit one day...no strings attached. In the meantime, make more mom friends! There are plenty of us out here! Check out:
http://www.noestrolls.com/
you may find some cool events there.
I have several friends who have come and gone, much to my chagrin. However, I find that I am in charge of my own happiness and dwelling on their unwillingness to reciprocate the friendship just makes me miserable and sad. Who needs that??? The needs of friends change as your life changes, so I suggest that you go to some mommy groups and you will find people who want to share your company!
best of luck to you.

I recommend joining a parents listserv, such as the Glen Park Parents (it's a Yahoo group). You'll find yourself part of a huge (600+ members) community, with playgroups for every age. I belong to a playgroup with babies exactly your daughter's age; we get together weekly. I believe Noe Valley also has a Yahoo group, but there are many Noe members on the Glen Park list. Good luck!