I moved to upstate New York from NYC 5 years ago after I got married, in NYC I had a few good friends. I got pregnant quickly and had an adorable baby boy who is now three. I don't see my friends up there very often specially someone who I thought was my best friend. She changed and became very distant to me after she got married with my brother in law! ( my husband and I introduced them and they started dating). I don't know how can someone who was so close to me and I helped so much can become so cold and distant. I needed her so much SPECIALLY when my son HAD A SPEECH DELAY and there for was so much doubt and uncertainty. I have my conscious clear that I was a good friend and I tried to talk to her for years and asked her why are you becoming so distant? she kept saying she was busy in a cold way. I tried to stay close to her but it was in vain. Now i see my old ex-best friend and she barely say hello, even when they come to visit.
This bad experience and the fact that I don't see my friends as often as i would like has left me feeling so lonely. My family lives in another country. I am a stay home mom ( I love it) but I don't goo out by myself too much, but how do I make new friends? how do I introduce myself to people? I am a little shy, I can't just come out and say to some mom up there and say Hey let's just be friends. Maybe I am still hurt for what happened with my ex-best friend? I need someone to have and adult conversation with (besides my husband) someone to go shopping with or have a coffee. Has anyone of you mamas felt like this? I don't know how to deal with my loneliness and I don't want to make my husband feel like I am clinging to him! I love my husband but he does not understand what it means to feel fat or ugly one day or to go out shopping for something that fits! or to have girl talk in other words he can't be a substitute for a girlfriend. I really need you mamas up there to help with advice, I am very open mind so any advice or opinion will be highly appreciated!
Thanks
(She was my friend for 20 years and I tried lots of times to talk to her in the past two years,the last time it was in April of this year, I told her ok if you don't want to be friends at least we could be friendly and talk general things, I also told her that I was happy that she and my brother in law were happy! but still the coldness towards me and my son continued. She changed with us after she got engaged to my brother in law,( she is my son's GODMOTHER and has not ACTED as a GODMOTHER) she thought she may not need me as a friend anymore , they have been married almost two years)
How can I deal with an ex-friend who I have to see in family gatherings and in my own home and she does not want to talk to me?
Oh A., don't be sad! You contacted me when I was down last year. Facebook me later, we'll talk! :)
I wish we lived closer to each other because I know exactly how you feel!! I feel so lonely all the time, too. I have friends who live an hour away, but they are all so busy with their single, childless lives that none of them will ever visit me anymore. I don't know anyone where we live except my husband of course. I have seen other moms in passing and on rare occasion struck up a conversation (I am super shy, too), but that is all it ever was. I have no idea how to break into a mommy group or even how to find one. I do not think it is anywhere near needy to want adult female companionship. I mean, let's face it. We all love our husbands and our children, but even if they are the world to us, they can never replace a good girlfriend. I'm really sorry that I am not much help, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone! Being a SAHM is a very lonely job at times no matter how much we enjoy it or love our children.
It seems like you just need someone to hang out with. I think you should stop being too shy and go for walk with you baby. I just recently move and my neightbors have 3 kids around that same of my son. i'm alredy planning play dated for them. You sholu try knowing your neightbors with kids. Get to know the mommies and hang out
maybe your friend backed away cuz she sensed you NEEDED her too much (are you needy?). find other friends and a life for yourself w/a mom's group and i bet it will change : )
try joining a parent group... setting up play dates for your son. Nothing better for a mom than to talk to other moms with kids about the same age. Apparently everyone goes through the same worries...imagine that? I took a baby massage class and we now have baby play dates every other Wednesday.
I understand where you are coming from. My family lives in another state and when I first moved here I had a few friends that I worked with in NYC. However, now I am a stay at home M. too and no longer see them anywhere near as often as I would like. However, since having my son (who is now 2.5) I have been joined a few different groups with my son and have met some really great friends. Try joining a Gymboree or some other activity with your son. Or even a gym with a daycare. I met one of my best friends at the gym while our sons were in the daycare together. If you find yourself around other moms with children your sons age, just go talk to them. Ask if they would like to do a play date. You never know, maybe they are lonely and shy just like you. That is exactly the case with my friend from the gym. I just went up to her and she had just lost her husband and was going through a really hard time. Now she is my best friend and I know we will be friends for a very long time. You just gotta get out there and try. It doesn't happen quickly, so be patient, but I am sure you can find some true friends out there.
Join all sorts of things in your area. A church...Things for kids, things for adults, anything with other people. Out of all that you will meet people who can become friends. Best wishes to you.
Try to find a local MOMS club where you are at. Go to the pool or the park at the same time most day. Sign your son up for some classes and talk to the other parents in the class. Good luck.
Join groups, in which you are interested in.
ie: hobby groups etc.
Next, "loneliness" is also a state of mind... and emotion based of course... but you can 'fill' yourself... without having others fill that void for you.
And each person in our lives.... fulfills a PART of the whole spectrum of life/needs/love/interests/compatibility etc. But ultimately, it is ourselves... that feel empty or not.
There are people who have everything and good friends/good spouses/children/social lives, and all that...but STILL feel lonely.
So, find out why... you feel lonely. Because a friend or spouse or others cannot fulfill... everything.
Fill yourself... find what interests you, and go for it and socialize... know who you are, and by affiliating with like minded people/clubs/hobbies...you will find friends.
all the best,
Susan
Dear A., Sorry you are feeling down. I do understand. I do not know the people you speak of but I have found in my life, the best way to make friends is with a smile. If there is a place where you can bring your little boy like a park or a mommy and me, there you will meet other moms. If not, maybe there is a shopping mall or a McDonalds with a play place. You have not said if you drive, if not this may be something for you to work on. Don't know if I have helped but I hope you find a friend soon. Grandma Mary
If you want to find connections try finding a local MOMS Club or MOPS group. Look them up on line.
Find a playgroup for your son. When I had my 2nd child and moved, I became friends with the moms from preschool, a couple of moms I met at Gymboree, when your son is old enough for baseball or soccer you may become friendly with those moms. When your son has friends, you can make play dates and you'll often become friends with those moms since most preschool play dates aren't drop offs.
Hi! I know how you feel! When we moved to Chester, NY from south Jersey I felt so out of place & lonely. In the begining it was a novelty to my friends to come up here & visit but now it's 4 years later & I don't see them BUT I made some great new friends thru meetup.com. I joined 2 groups - Tots in Tow & Sisters in Christ & now my kids have made great friends & so have I. We do so many playdates & Moms Night Out, book club, Beach Wednesdays...etc. I could keep going! Check it out online.
Summer is here, go to the park,lake or pool the same time everyday. Soon you will recognize faces and children. Smile and say something about the child. "I love the way your daughter's hair looks today." "Your son really loves the slide." etc. Bring extra toys, that your son can share with the others. I also moved to the country and made so many new friends simply by meeting my sons friends.
Dont worry about your ex-friend. She made her decision for whatever reason, so move on and dont let it keep you from making new friends.
I had a best friend who stopped talking to be after I got married. My feelings were hurt but did not make me lose faith in myself and people. Making friends when you're a mom is more difficult because you need to find common grounds with someone who also is a mom. A single eprson or a person without children will have other needs as a friend, needs that you, as a mom, cannot fulfill. Being shy won't help you, and you will make friends with moms as your son starts attending playgroups or going to school. There are a lot of moms out there in the same situation, you just need to approach, test the waters and see if a specific person can be more than just a child's mom, but a friend to you.
Loneliness comes with territory when you're s stay at home mom. Try to find something to occupy yourself. I found reading to be myy escape so i do a lot of reading after my children go to sleep.
Just recently I have started socializing more with one of a moms from my kids' class. we have come to find out we like the same things, appreciate each other;s personality, and even gone so far to have an outing just she and i without the kids. it feels good, and she feels good to have someone. but it kinda took 5 years to get here. you know? give yourself time.
Hi Mom,
I am sorry about the good friend you have lost, but wouldnt dwell in it too much, you sound nice and friendly and will make friends easily if you just try. It sounds like your old friend has some issues, maybe in the future she will come around to you again, but I would not wait, or let it get you down. I have moved 2 times in the last 10 yrs due to husband's job transfer, both times to cities where we knew no one and were 1500 miles from home and now 3000 miles away. Your childs is at a perfect age to take places to meet other children and their moms. Take a trip to the library closest to where you live and ck out some of the free things they offer young children. Ours has a weekly story time and also a preschool arts and crafts time for young children. Moms come and stay with their children, they are a great way to meet other moms with children your age. Also can ck out books to read to your child which he will enjoy. You might also just casually introduce yourself to other moms of young children in your neighborhood to see if there are amy toddler play groups. I started one in my home on our 1st move, met some moms at the park, local pool and in our neighborhood that had children my daughters age (at the time 3). Each week we met in one of our homes f or at a park close by for 2 hrs with our children, kids played and did a mom directed "art project" then all the moms hung out with them and talked. Another thought, if you are a church goer or not, often local churches have a MOPS club (Mothers of Preschoolers) and they often get together with and without their kids to socialize and kids to play. Even though you say you are a little shy you can do this, I am but if you are just friendly at these places and introduce yourself to other moms your child seems to bond with at these places it works. Do your best to get outside each day just too just to get some exercise and enjoy a sunny day, even by putting your child in a jogging type stroller or pulling your child in a wagon. This always brightened my day when my child was young and she enjoyed it too Talk about all of the different things you see and hear on the walk. Good Luck.
Being a mom can be very lonely, and it sounds like you have reached the point where your shyness is not going to stop you from changing your situation! Definitely join a mom's group. Check out meetup.com and Yahoo. Go on google and look up clubs in your area. The MOMS Club is another one. WOmen who join these clubs are also looking to make friendships for themselves and their kids, so it will make making friends so much easier than walking up to someone cold at the mall or the park.
Good luck, love! So many of us have been there!!!
I use to be a bit shy but I think my kids force me to make friends. I'm shy about making friend but once you know me I'm pretty outgoing. I moved upstate (closer ot Albany) about 3 years ago and some ways I've met people is online mom's group. Check out meetup.com. I also did library story hour and a music class with both kids and make a friend or two in each. Walk in the evenings especially now and check out your neighborhood and maybe you'll find a neighbor or two with kids. Good luck. It will work out. If you see another mom with kids don't be shy. Us moms are always looking for people to talk with especially at the playground.
HI. I'm so sorry for your loss - and losing a best friend is a loss. You say you son is 3 now? My son is 3 too and I've really started becoming friends with his "friends" mom's now. He attends daycare for 3 days a week, always has, I know you are a SAHM so I'm not sure who you and your child are socializing with. I actually have several old friends so it was a bit strange to make new friends but friends are important, as you know on many levels. I agree...get out there and start socializing, both you and your child and I'm sure you will start making friends again. On a different note, have you ever flat out asked your ex best friend what happened? I suggest you do it. Once marriage and children come into play I have found that even with my own best friend that the relationship get strained and sometimes BOTH women are feeling something that the other doesn't realize and instead of confronting it they just drift apart. If your best friend was truly a friend sit her down and say how you feel - put it all out there and say this is her chance and yours to fix the friendship and hopefully it gets fixed, but if it doesn't then you know to truly move on. WHO KNOWS what she's thinking...so ask her! You need girlfriends!
A.,
Keep looking until you find someone. This is one way. You are in Florida - I am also in upstate NY.
Your friend is probably dealing with a lot of 'stuff' on her end.
Don't count your son out of your conversation! There are days when I just LOVE that he will talk with me about his things - and that's just fine! If I pine for something more, it just takes away from both of us.
It is hard being lonely, but it is, after all, a choice. You CAN change how you feel. I think you've figured that out - because you're out LOOKING now for someone to hang out with.
Try a local yahoo group and see if there are meet ups for Moms in your area. It make take a bit of searching but you'll see there's a lot out there. You just have to get out and find 'it'.
I _DO_ know what you mean. Being a baby wearing Mom while she's pregnant (translation: I don't stop picking up my baby just because I'm pregnant and it's fashion to leave your kid(s) on the ground!) has left me out of quite a few circles. I'm finding new ones.
Good luck, and you can chat with me here - via the mamapedia email. Anytime. I may not be local - I may not be on every day - but I'm here. : )
M.
ur kids are the best icebreakers you will have! and you will have an instant conversation fodder for making new friends who have the same issues/interest/etc. as you since you're all mamas. go find a mommy and me group or some other type of group thing you can do with your children and it'll be the perfect place to make new friends. good luck!
