Four Year Old Won't Sleep in His Own Bed

Hi K.-

My boys (almost 5 and 3) have been sleeping on and off with us for most of their lives. It started with my oldest son... we would get lazy with bedtime and do whatever was easiest, letting him fall asleep wherever, watching TV, etc. We created some very bad habits. When our second came along, we changed a lot. Co-sleeping is fine if it works for you, but since you wrote in it's obviously a problem to you so I'll tell you how we got our bed back once and for all!

I would have to say it's all about routine and consistency. We use timers in our house and that seems to work really well. That way, when the timer goes off, you're not the "bad guy." Our boys get their pajamas on and brush their teeth. We set the timer for 15 minutes and during this time, they get to lay in bed with us. We'll read a book, snuggle or goof around. When the timer goes off, they have to go sleep in their bed. This way, they still get that parent time in your bed, but the boundary is set. We still give them what they want (to sleep in our bed) but WE set the guidelines. Let me tell you, it has worked out great! They listen and understand the routine. We tell them beforehand the rules and sure enough, when that timer goes off, they say, "Now it's time to lay in our bed!" and we tuck them in. We haven't had a problem since.

Kathy Jo,
I feel for you! My soon to be 3 year was just weaned from our "family" bed 4 weeks ago! I am soooooo happy to have my king size bed feel king size. I didn't bribe her, I didn't coax her, I followed Nanny Jo on TV (believe it or not) One night at dinner I told her she was going to sleep in her own bed that night. Of course she threw a fit. When it was time for bed and she started walking towards my room, I sent her to hers. The first 2 - 3 weeks I did "snuggle" with her. But I felt guilty (she has a 20 month old sister who sleeps in her own bed, always has, and they share a room) So starting last week we put both girls to bed at the same time. They both get kisses and that is it. My husband and I walk out of the room.
My 3 year still wakes up at 1am every night. She doesn't have to go the bathroom or anything. So we just tuck her back in and say goodnight. She is not fully away so it is quite easy. The hard part is dragging myself or my husband out of bed each night to do it. Good luck to you and your husband. Enjoy the LARGE space in your bed!

My suggestion may be harsh, I would prepare him for bed , stories, calm down time,ect, I would then put him in his bed and everytime he gets up you put him back in. The minute you give into him you are allowing him to win, he knows that you will let him come in there and sleep in your bed. When he comes in in the middle of the night you carry him back to his bed and continue to do so until he stays in his room. Now I know this seems very tiring and it is I went through it with my daughter. But by letting them come into your bed and fall asleep and then carry him back to his room, he is not learning to fall asleep in his OWN bed. Which is very important. However when doing this you need to be calm and explain that he needs to be in his bed and why. Does he have a night light? Does he have a security blanket or a special teddy? If not you should take him to get something that he can sleep with that will help him feel safe. I dont know his background before you adopted him obviously but I have two siblings that were adopted and one had a security issue. I hope all goes well. A.

First of all... as an "attachment parent" myself, I understand your situation. I have read a GREAT book called "The No Cry Sleep Solution" by Pantley (can't remember her first name). She will help you encourage him to sleep in his own bed and you WILL get there.

Perhaps you can help him pick out a "special animal" to sleep with, or maybe let him sleep with your pillow in his bed.

Don't blame yourself! You have been giving Gavin a secure environment and he appreciates that... you are letting him know that he is loved and welcome in your house, in your family, and in your bed. Celebrate that!

I haven't gone through that (my son is 11 months) but we did have a hellish start with sleep. it was absolutely awful. i think i read every single book on it. but the book i found most helpful was the baby whipserer books. especially the baby whisperer solves all your problems. you have to adapt her advice though to your own child and family. but i did find it VERY helpful. my son sleeps well and in his own bed thanks to a lot of her advice. but can i just say i have sympathy for you. sleep issues are not fun!!!

Hey Kathy,
My son is 2 1/2 and he is doing the same thing right now. he been getting up for the last month and climbing in bed with my husband and I. I at first let him just sleep with us, I guess because I was too tired. Now, as soon as I hear him get up and come into our room, I meet him and walk him back to bed. I don't climb into bed with him, I just put in bed, get him tucked back in and then close the door. At first I had to this about 2 or 3 times a night, now he he might get up once a week, it is hit or miss, but so far I think it is working....
Hope that helps!!!

My 5 year old is still in my bed as well so your not alone. She will go sleep in her own room all on her own once in awhile but ALWAYS wakes up in the middle of the night and comes back to my bed. I suppose if I walked her back to her room over and over it may work but I think we both honestly sleep better together. I'm a single mom so it's not a issue in my house but I toss and turn when my daughter isn't right there and she wakes up in the middle of the night if I'm not there. It started out because she was a preemie with respitory issues and now is complete habit. I honestly have no intentions of moving my daughter to her room anytime soon. I figure one day she'll want to. She has no problem sleeping over at other people's houses or anything. If it's a problem in your house I guess just keep walking him back to his room or I've heard of some people starting the child out on a crib mattress or something similar next to their bed and each night moving it farther away until one day the mattress is in his own room.

The best way to get him out of your bed would be to make something special about his bedroom. A new bed or new bedding or even a new stuffed animal that he can only have in HIS bed. You also need to pick a bedtime and stick with it. Consistancy is key because kids get used to routine and then follow it. Our kids go to bed at 7:30 every night, jammies, brush teeth, story, bedtime. They have a cd player in their rooms with the cd of their choice but are required to be quiet and stay in their beds or it gets turned off.
If you have ever watched supernanny you would see how she does it and it's pretty effective too. Explain to him during the day that he's going to be sleeping in his own bed from now on. Just keep moving him back to his bed, however many times it takes, and don't talk or say anything after the 3rd time so eventually he'll learn that it's not gonna work and that you are never going to let him in there. It only takes a couple of nights, if that and they give up. I have 2 boys that we're doing foster care for now and are going to be adopting, they are 3 and 1 and have been with us since last June. Both of them sleep in their own bed/crib and we have wonderful bonds with them so don't let that other post make you feel like him sleeping in his own bed is going to ruin your bond. Nobody gets good sleep with everyone in one bed.
Good luck,
J.

Don't! Let him sleep with you! It's what is completely natural, and extremely healthy. Of course he'll sleep alone in your bed - because he knows he may be tired before you, but that you'll be coming to join him.

Wow, and he's adopted too?! You should feel lucky to have created such a close bond. Co-sleeping (that's what this is called) is going to create a positive emotional bond, whereas forcing him to be alone is going to teach him to detach and isolate from others.

Check out the Attachment Parenting website for more info about the positive benefits of co-sleeping here at:
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/artbenefitscosleep.shtml

I had this problem with my two year old and it was really hard to fix. First we started laying him down in his own bed and one of us would stay in there until he fell asleep. By morning he would always be in our bed. Then after a while of doing that, we then would put him back in his bed when he would try to come in to our bed. Eventually he started sleeping through the night and now he goes to bed all on his own. Every once in a while he will slip back in to our bed, but not very often and sometimes all we have to do is tell him to go back to his room and go to sleep and he does. I think our problem steams from the fact that sometimes when he wakes up in the morning both of us are gone and the nanny is the first person he sees. Your problem might steam from other issues possibly separation anxiety. Good Luck.

My daughter was 3 1/2 when I got her to go to bed on her own. The 1st 5 days were hard, I think harder on me than her. I just used the super nanny trick. I set the bedtime routine and followed it. The 1st time she got out of bed I said "It's bed time darling" and put her back in bed. The 2nd time she got out I just said "bedtime" and put her back in bed. the 3rd time and every time after that I just put her to bed and I did not say a thing. This process can take ours depending on how hard the child wants to fight it. Mine tried every excuse in the book, but I did not give in. In less then a month I would point to the cable box when it was her bedtime and she would say "It's bedtime mommy" she would then give me hugs and kisses and off to bed she went. That is the nice part now, well good luck and I hope this helps :)