Frustrated with My Two Year Old

My younger daughter is VERY high energy, and sometimes has a hard time winding down after the day. I'll let her have one of her little board books in bed as long as she is quiet. I'll leave her night light on so it's not bright in the room, but there is just enough light for her to see her book. And then I tell her that as long as she is quiet, she can continue to read her book, but if she gets noisy or gets out of bed, then I will take the book away. You could try this with a doll if she isn't into books, or even put a little quiet music on. It doesn't really matter WHAT they use to self-soothe, as long as they can do it by themselves! Around 2 years old, they do start playing games with us mommies, no getting around that - I just try and channel the "game playing" into a form that I can deal with, so I get what I want and don't have to do battle with a small child. =)

Does it seem like if she would just lie quietly for a little while she would fall asleep, but she just won't stay still or quiet without you? That's the problem I had (have) with my daughter. This is what finally worked for us...

We got the kitchen timer out, and I told my daughter that I was setting the timer, and that she needed to stay in bed and wait for me to come back when the timer rang. The attitude was that this was a little game--could she wait quietly while I went to start the laundry or whatever, until the timer rang? I started with just 2 or 3 minutes so she could see that it wasn't so long, and I really would come back. Then I put the timer in my pocket and left the room. As soon as it rang, I went back and sat with her for a minute or two. Then I explained about setting the timer again and that I would be right back when it rang. But each time, I lengthened the time by a minute or two. Eventually, I would come back and she would be asleep.

We repeated this nightly, but each night I started the timer at an extra minute or two so she would slowly get used to waiting longer for me. It took some time, but it was relatively painless, crying-wise. And eventually I didn't need the timer any more. I could just tell her that I would be back in 15 minutes or after my shower or something like that, and she would wait in bed for me. Usually she'd be asleep by the time I returned.

If she decided to get up and not wait for me, I would take her right back and possibly start the timer over again.

Now she's 5 and when I put her to bed, she says, "don't forget to check on me later." And her room is usually quiet after that because she falls asleep pretty well now. But occasionally in the morning she asks why I didn't come back, and I just have to explain that I did, but she was asleep already and praise her for being such a big girl and going to sleep so well.

We've used the kitchen timer for lots of different things, and this one worked real well. Might work for you too. Good luck!

D.,
I am not sure what grade you teach but I have been told that language spurts always impact sleep...brain so reved up..also milestones and all cognitive spurts..and the need for touch..could mean several things...time with you ..even if you feel you give a ton during the day or even during bedtime, she seems to need more..I just posted to another mom about how children need varying comforts and for some, they are not comfortable alone...and she may need for sensory touch...try a weighted blanket..in the heat..a cozy weighted animal...You can give her extra (you will have to gear up) by starting a little earlier, saturate her with love and ask her about her day, sort of reverse it..get into it..talk about dreams, the next day..favorite foods, favorite play toys..friends..colors..teachable moments despite your fatigue and feeling pushed. She will find more comfort in this than crying it out suggestions and a power struggle between you which lays future struggles..by creating this time, you are pouring a foundation for all of the big topics you want her to come to you with over the years..My son now falls asleep while I am trying to tuck him in before I can finish because he is at peace with us..and he did all the stuff..still wakes up and comes in sometimes..and is quiet and repectful.daughter did it too...and we tried the other ways and then just loved them to sleep..and they LOVE bedtime now..bath, jammies, teeth, books..because it is a routine and it is filled with their little love languages..hugs. touch, unwinding..also..my son falls asleep much easier, older, different temperment, muscle tone ,always needed naps..wakes up early..my daughter would sleep in and stay up late( will later in life for sure when I do not set her schedule) and needs more time ...30 plus minutes more to unwind...WE are all different..blessings

At our house the rule is that 8:00 is bed time. We get PJs on, brush teeth, read ONE story, say prayers give hugs and kisses, tuck in. Once mommy has said good night our son is expected to stay in his bed. Mommy is off duty. We don't care if he crys, sleeps, sings, etc as long as he is in his bed. It may take a couple of nights of crying before she figures it out, but if you are consistent it will get better. My response to needing drinks is "the human body can live for two days without water- you will make it till morning". If it is a request for mommy to do something I simply tell him that I am now off duty and would love to rub his back when I wake up in the morning, etc.

The only time we have let him out of bed after "good night" was while he was potty training. If he thought he had to use the toilet he was to go directly into the bathroom and sit down. He had two minutes before he was returned to bed and noone was going to sit in there with him.
For the first week or so she may try to get out of bed. You just simply take her back to bed and throw her in. Don't show any emotion and do it quickly. The first couple of times you may want to say something simple like "back to bed", but you don't even need to say a thing. She knows where she is supposed to be. She is just testing you and if you crumple now she will walk all over you before she reaches kindergarten, then watch out high school! You have got about 1 year to settle who is boss in your house or you will be in for a 15 year battle.

I know how you feel. Two year olds can be so frustrating. I find with my son, there are times when I almost have to be "mean". He will try to get me to read more books, rock him for "just a few more minutes", etc. Finally, I just say I will not do it in a very stern voice, tell him he needs to lay down and stop crying because it is night-time and he needs to sleep. It's hard the first few times, but once they realize they can't manipulate you anymore and you are in charge, not them, they seem to listen. Good luck. The crying breaks my heart, but it is just a manipulation tool.

Obviously you have a lot of good advice here on all ends of the spectrum. I'm glad to see that some people are firm about what bed time really means. My husband still lays in bed with his son (my step-son) who is now 8 and a half years old. They use it as a time to "talk" which I guess is okay. But I have to say that the child expects this of us, even at 8 and half years old. I did it with him some during the first year I was getting to know him (when he was 6 years old.) But now I don't for a number of reasons - I have acid reflux and can't lay down for 3 hours after eating (and the "laying down" would be a good 30 to 45 minutes until he fell asleep), and not to mention the fact that I personally think this is indulgent if it's done every single night. I have so much to do, and so little time to do it. To be in a child's bed for an hour (once you factor in the story, etc.) every evening is prohibitive, if I want to get the dishes done, my laundry done, have any private time for myself and get adequate sleep. So I don't do it. My husband likes to do it, so he does. But I have to say that if he doesn't keep it to about a 20 minute ritual - it starts to infringe on our relationship. He used to disappear into the kid's room for an hour to an hour and a half most nights a week on the weeks when we have him (50/50 custody). Which meant that after full days at work, and spending the whole evening cooking and cleaning up after dinner - we had little or no time with each other before we were both asleep. We're not talking about a 2 year old here... in our case it's an 8 year old which is a little different.

I think this is really a tricky issue. What I notice is that for parents who have some reason to feel guilty like in the case of parents who work too-long hours, or in cases of divorce where the parent doesn't have the child all the time due to custody arrangements - there is more indulgence with the bedtime ritual. I don't necessarily think this is good for the child. The child may think that he/she is getting what they want (parent in bedroom until they fall asleep.) But then they don't learn how to be independent and okay with falling asleep alone - which will need to be done eventually. I personally think that indulging the child sometimes is okay - like on special occassions or of they are feeling sick. But if it is expected - then you are in trouble because you are then obligated.

Now is a good time to set the boundaries. Kids actually need boundaries. It helps them to feel secure. Practice setting boundaries and enforcing them. Like - okay we have 10 minutes together at bedtime. That can be back rubs or an extra story, or talking, or just sitting/laying together. But after 10 minutes - times up. That way the child feels like they got attention, but they understand that it's not an unlimited situation. If the child cries - well, they will get tired of crying that hard every single night. Better to learn now that you can't have everything you want all the time, then to have to learn it in college, right?

This is what I do with my 2 yr old:

I put her into bed, and she wants me to lay with her. I tell her I can't lay with her, but will sit at the end of her bed. So I sit there, but don't talk to her or make eye contact. After a few minutes, I stand up. If she fusses, I stand right there, tell her it's time for bed, and wait. After another minute or two I take a step back toward the door. If she fusses again, I reassure her that I am there, but it is time for bed. I wait another couple minutes then leave the room. It can take about 10 minutes, but beats walking her back up the stairs 10 times before she goes to sleep. And I discourage the habit of laying with her and rubbing her back, just because she will then expect it every night. I know from experience.

We also have a two years old and he also needs a lot of attention before going to sleep. I think it's because we are away a lot during the day. He just started pre-school (3 hours) and he is with a nanny for 5 more hours. We play with him and he only goes to sleep when everybody in the house goes to sleep. Maybe that works for you?

Also, I was just reading this article (The joy of manipulation) that it may be helpful for you:

http://www.enjoyparenting.com/daily-groove/manipulation

There's really no way around "cry-it-out," especially as your daughter now knows if she screams and cries long enough you will give in. She's not "manipulating" you, she's just going with what has worked for her so far.

Tell her it's nap time, or good night time, and mommy is not going to give backrubs (or get water, or find her stuffed animal, or whatever,) at nap or night time any more, because it's time to go to sleep. Then kiss goodnight and out you go. Period.

Crying, screaming, wailing "mommy, mommy"--- just let her wear herself out, however long it takes. If she gets up, put her back in bed without a discussion--- even if you have to do this over and over again. The reason you will have to do it over and over again is because you let her get up (or you stayed with her, or whatever she wanted to accomplish) after she screamed and cried and carried on last time--- why shouldn't it work again this time? That's not manipulation, it's just her observing the way things work. If it stops working for her, she'll stop using it. With kids, you have to say what you mean, and most important of all, mean what you say.

Well, you could put her to bed with you and go to bed at the same time. Then you will wake up really early and have time to yourself, like I do.

I put our daughter in our bed and there she has stayed for many, many, many years. This year, 7 1/2 yrs later, I was able to transition her to her bed, but when she is sick or my husband is out of town she begs to sleep with me. In fact, she's there now.

Good luck,
Stephanie

Hi D.,

It sounds to me that she has you wrapped around her little finger. I would talk to her and let he know mommy will rub you for 2 minutes then mommy has to get stuff ready for tomorrow and you can get more rubs tomorrow. Sing her a song as you are rubbing her to relax her mind.

She may cry for a bit until she understands but she will understand once you stick to it.

Leave the room, let her cry a bit and she will sleep well.

DO NOT GIVE IN !!! If you give in she wins and you will have to start all over again.

Hang in there

Have a great week.

N. Marie

I recommend reading Dr M Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.

Decide how you want bedtime to go. Set rules for yourself before you go into the situation and don't break or bend them. Tell your daughter what is happening and how long you will stay with her. Setting a timer (the non-digital kind so she can see time passing) might also help. She will protest, but as long as she knows what to expect, she will get tired of the "games," especially when they don't have results. Remember that it is possible to be firm and loving at the same time.

I would read her a story, give her five minutes of back rubbing, turn on the nightlight, off the light and good night. If she has to cry it out, then she has to cry it out. There is no way you are going to break this cycle without just doing it. It sounds like to me it's a control issue and she has the control!

we had this issue when our daughter hit about 3 or so. What finally worked, after we tried: the CIO, toys taken away for a day, daddy raising his voice, a nightlight in her room, leaving the bathroom light on, and a sippy with water(so it wouldnt spill), was putting a personal CD player connected to small speakers on playing childern's songs quietly in her room and telling her as long as she stayed in bed, the music could stay on. She was usually asleep before the cd ended. She is 6 now and still asks occasionally for music at bedtime (although now she has progressed to dad's old MP3 player and Enya, LOL!)

Dear D.,
Our little cherubs can really work us, can't they?
I don't think they mean to, but before you know it, you find out who is running the show.
I think consistancy is the key.
Formulate a plan and a routine, so many minutes for reading and cuddling, then it's night-night. Period. And you just have to stick with it. Once they figure out that's how it goes, and it may take some time and patience, they will follow the routine.
I think one of the most important things we teach our kids is when their bedtime is and how to go to sleep in their own beds. The sooner you do it, the easier it is on everyone. Their bedtime wasn't our bedtime. I enjoyed being able to pay bills, catch up on laundry, take a nice bath, watch a movie that wasn't kid related.
We travelled as a family. We stayed in hotels, with family and friends, went camping...my kids would sleep anywhere.
We started them young and at home so it wasn't a problem. Night night means night night. You obviously can't force a child to go to sleep because they are in their beds at a certain time, but getting up and down, wanting another story, another glass of water, another hour of backrubbing, expecting you to go to sleep if they have to.....just don't buy into it and be consistant.
The world won't end and they aren't missing out on anything. Except sleep. Which they need. Whether they like it or not.
Hang in there. Patience really is the key. By patience, I mean being firm, yet affectionate, and following through every time.

I wish you the best!

Sleep issues can be so frustrating. Try reading The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers, by Elizabeth Pantley. There are lots of different ideas for all sorts of different kids and families.

It will help you set a good sleep routine and appropriate behaviour rewards for your child.

Good Luck.
K.

In addition to being firm and consistent, consider whether you need to adjust the amount of sleep she gets in an average 24 hour period. Too much or too little sleep can make bedtime difficult.

Regarding letting her cry it out, have you tried going in every 5 minutes to start, then 10 minutes, gradually increasing the time in between. This lets her know you are there for her, while also letting her know it is bedtime. I have been a mom for 27 years. I have 3 biological adult children and 3 adopted, the youngest of whom will be 3 next month and he is a handful. This does work, but keep in mind every child is different. Kathy