My four-year-old nephew is terrified to go to school each day. He recently started at a new VPK, and there were no problems at his previous school. He won't say why he doesn't want to go.
He is exactly like me in many, many ways, and I hated school with all of my heart from my first day at day care until the day I graduated from college, and I struggled throughout. I don't know why I hated it, and I'm desperate to keep him from experiencing the many problems I went through. He will not say why he doesn't want to go, but he's close to tears each morning on the way there. While there, he seems to hover near the outside of the pack of other boys. What can I do to help him avoid my school experience?
Talk to the teachers & see if they can tell if something is going on. Maybe some other kids are picking on him, leaving him out of things, etc.
He may being bullied by the others or made to feel like an outsider. Unfortunately, kids can be very cruel to each other.
Hopefully, he'll find someone to confide in because left unchecked, that type of situation will only get worse.
Meeting with the teacher, asking how he manages in classroom, lunchroom, etc. Do the other children say things or are they ignoring him?
As a teacher, it is hard to keep an eye on 20+ kids so some things slip through the cracks but being made aware of situation should make the teacher more vigilant and if the child knows there's someone he can tell and not be singled out and put on display he'll feel more comfortable.
Hope it works out and he learns to at least like the school experience.
J., I was just like you and fear the same thing for my children (fortunately they are not shy like I was). He probably has a lot of anxiety over having a new school. I think it would help a lot to have play dates, outside of school, with kids he is in school with. He will feel so much more comfortable there once he has a close friend. Have your sister/SIL make this happen; even if it's a hard thing to do. Although my son is not shy, the transition to school was still very hard on him. He's just a high anxiety kid. I would volunteer in the classroom often and made sure he developed a friendship with the other kids by having playdates. ...and I'm still good friends with those moms. It wasn't until then that he stopped throwing massive tantrums over school. I also got to know the teacher very well by visiting with her after school. It took a few months, by the way, before he adjusted. Ugh. Good luck. Hope is not lost. Stay positive and never let him hear people talk about hating school.
Definitely talk to the teacher if he is terrified. See if she can give you some insight or suggestions.
Something is tweaking him at this school.
Thus, investigate... use your Mommy know how.
Talk to the Teacher
Stay a bit at his school and 'observe' what is going on. IF the Teacher lets you.
Maybe if you can, Volunteer in class on some days, even if just for an hour or two. Then you can see how the class is and the classmates and the Teacher's behavior and the interactions and dynamics and 'structure' and routine of the class room.
Keep trying to talk with your son... in a 'casual' way about school. Maybe he is 'afraid' of saying something out of fear of getting scolded etc.
And some kids, don't say anything because they think it is "tattling."
So.... keep that in mind too.
He has to know... that telling you things, is "okay." That is what a Mommy is for... or teach him how to express himself and his feelings... not all 4 year olds know how. Especially boys... they may think it is 'baby' to have feelings and to feel a certain way. So explain to him... it is ALWAYS a good thing, to say his feelings.. and to tell you. That is what Mommy is for. He will not get 'scolded' for it.
And bear in mind, that even at this age... "Bullying" can and does occur. I know that first hand, from my Daughter and her classmates. It begins, very young. And it is not right. If things like this happens, you HAVE TO tell the Teacher. Schools have policies against 'bullying.'
all the best,
Susan
J.
"Terrified" sounds pretty serious and that means there is a reason. Just calmly make an appointment with the teacher and talk about it. Your nephew is a little kid and still may have problems to express himself and find the right words to say what is actually happening. It is important talking to the teacher because she may have noticed something, and she may help your nephew. Start from there. If his mom sees that there is nobody to help or willing to find the reason., suggest her to pull him out for a few days (like Thu, Fri and the rest of the weekend) and do the following: let him be calm and in a relaxed environment, let him play and have fun, ask him specific questions (not all at once nor the same day!!!!)and keep an open and mostly casual dialogue with him (questions like: " do you like recess or lunch time at school?", "do you like your teacher, why?", "what is your favorite classmate or friend, why?", "what is your not so favorite classmate, why?" in between talk about something totally different like favorite games or favorite meals, etc., ask him about his favorite time of the day, or the things he likes or dislikes; his responses may lead to an important conclusion. If everything seems normal and all right, probably he just need more time with mommy .... out of school. Is he attending Pre-school every day? May be he needs to be with mommy or his aunt a few days a week, and the other days at school. Does his mom work outside the house?
Good luck
It could be that he can't say what's bothering him - or he knows very well. I'd talk with the teacher and ask her /him for any insight.
Talk to the teacher first. He or she will know if there is any bullying going on. You may also get some ideas from the teacher on how to help him. He's not the first child to do this.
It could be that your nephew just can't verbalize his feelings. Four years old is pretty young. He may only be able to communicate what's inside him with tears. You might let him know tears are OK, and that sometimes you cry, too. Let him know that sometimes you get worried and afraid about new things. Maybe that might help make him more comfortable in his own skin.
I'm so glad you want to give him help! You might want to think about your past experience, not in terms of how much you hated it and how you don't want your nephew to repeat that, but rather in terms of what would have been better and what you can do to make that happen for him. It's just not enough to say, "This is what I don't want." That's only negative, and it doesn't go anywhere. You need a positive track to go on - knowing what's good, and finding ways to guide and encourage him. Can you talk to friends of yours and ask them what they liked about school? That might be a start for you.
Good job Auntie!
I say after you try all the rest of the response like talking to the teacher, and staying and observing for yourself (or Mommy)...and that doesn't help...I say throw him party! Maybe a spectacular b-day party if he has one coming up or a great Halloween party...invite ALL his classmates and hope for the best...maybe he will make a good friend or 2?
No one likes to see their loved ones struggle...I feel for you guys.
If there were no problems at his previous school and now he is terrified of his new school take him out now
It may be that the both of you have a learning style that doesn't fit in with the classical methods. Something like Waldorf or homeschooling might be a more suitable learning environment for your son. OR, something could be happening at school. Definitely not something to ignore.
