Forced to Do What I'm Not Sure I Wanna Do... Stay at Home...

Does your boyfriend stay home with his son alone very often? I would suggest scheduling a day (at least a few hours) when he doesn't have to work that you "must" go somewhere and can't take your son. More than likely - your boyfriend will make some comment about how busy your son kept him. That is a great opening to expressing how you feel. Let him know that you realize since you're home the bulk of the housework falls on you, but you still need help - you're not the maid. With a child you only get bits and pieces of time to clean and if you always have to start with picking up others messes you never get to the actual cleaning. It worked for my husband. But truly, it sounds like you're not happy at home - I LOVE being a SAHM but it's not for everyone. I'm a big believer that children are only as happy as their parents. If you are miserable your son will pick up on that eventually. Maybe it would be worth looking into taking a job you could walk to or take the bus. Good luck with whatever you choose.

Hi A.,
I am not sure what to say first...I guess that as I read your request, my first feeling was sadness for you. It can be very difficult when you feel as though you are always cleaning up others' messes, but I have learned that many times it is our attitude and outlook that can change so much around us. Please do not feel useless and lazy b/c you are at home. You are on the front lines now and your son needs you to be focused and ready to lead thoughout each day. You have been "forced" into one of the greatest careers and highest callings you will ever come upon in your life. I am of the opinion that when a couple chooses to live together, they are living a married life just without the legal status and should therefore live out the duties and responsibilities of married people. If you truly love this man, then maybe you could look at caring for the home as one way of showing love to him. I agree that you could speak to him about helping some, but if you just change your outlook on all of it, I believe it would be very helpful. So many women miss out on the joy of having a servant's heart b/c they've been deceived into thinking that household chores are such a bore and see it as a drudgery or that being a SAHM is somehow demeaning. When I find myself feeling frustrated about messes that I didn't make, I try to remember that I do what I do every day around the home b/c I love my family. It also helps to remember that in all that we do, we should do it to the glory of God. We are serving Him when we answer that high calling of motherhood. When you agreed to move in with a man and have a child, the housework and cleaning came with that agreement. It's all part of the job description - right along with nurse, counselor, referee, chauffeur, etc. :) The only way you can make the cleaning tolerable or enjoyable is to change your own view of what you are doing. Just doing little things throughout the day, every day can really cut down on the seemingly mountain of things to be done. Children are never too young to learn to help around the house. Once they can walk and understand what you say, they can help. My children even help with the laundry. As for your son not playng in his room, just destroying it, teach him that his actions have consequences. But if you haven't discovered it yet, training little ones is one of the biggest tasks you'll run into. BUT, also the most rewarding when you see them doing the things you've taught them. Maybe if your boyfriend sees you giving unconditionally and cheerfully taking care of things, he'll respond differently. My husband always responds more positively the more I try to serve him. If only we all would treat out closest loved ones as guests in our homes, things would be so much more peaceful. When my husband comes home each day, I try to have the house presentable -it isn't too great all day- I may scurry around about 30 minutes before he comes home, but he sees a clean house. I also try to meet him with a hug and a smile and most days a glass of iced tea. He feels honored and loved as soon as he walks into the house. The kids see the way I honor their dad and they learn to do the same. They also see how their dad honors me, showing affection to me and doing kind things for me around the house. My husband does not do the dishes, or other house work. But I don't expect him to b/c he leaves the house so early every day, drives through traffic and spends his days working hard to provide for our family. There are days that I feel like I deserve a break in the evenings too, but I don't get it, and that's when I try to figure out how I can work things so my evening feels more relaxed. Do I have too much to do in the evenings and feel like I have to work while he's relaxing b/c I spent too much time on the computer during the day or talking on the phone when I could have gotten a day's work in during his work hours? This may not help you, but I just pray that you will have a revelation of the impact your service at home could have on your son and his daddy! Please don't think that leaving is an option. Marriage license or not, you have made a commitment and have an obligation to see it through. I pray that you will find the joy that comes in thinking of others before yourself. I learned a little thing many years ago that tells the secret to having JOY....it's
"J"esus first,
"O"thers second,
"Y"ourself last.
This doesn't fit with most of society's thinking today, b/c we are taught that if we make ourselves happy first and take care of ourselves first then we can help others, but society has it wrong! True joy and peace comes in service to Jesus and others, and then He supplies all that we need and more.
And really, how long does it take to pick up his things or wash his dishes compared to the heartache that your anger and bitterness creates? There is nothing wrong with letting him know that when he slops stuff around the house, it makes you feel that he doesn't care about the work you've done, but demanding that he take his share of household chores may be a bit much.
Sorry this has been so long, but it is something that I feel so passionately about. As for "life being tough but it gets better.....right?" YES!! but again, attitude is everything!
May God bless you as you struggle to find your way through this and all the other obstacles of life.
Sincerely praying for you,
S.

I have a few suggestions for you.
1. Let your son help. To him, everything is fun and a game if you let it be. My two year old loves to help clean up his toys and books, loves to vaccuum, and even likes to wipe the table. It will take longer, but approach it like a game, and he'll really like it!
2. Yes, your boyfriend is working 12-hour days. But you are working 24-hour days. There is no time off. Talk to him about it and let him know that you do not go to his place of business and trash it and then leave him to do everything because he's there. Expect him to treat the house the way he would like his guests/customers to treat the restaurant. Alternatively, split the lists of chores and let him take charge of some. Stick to it, though. If he is in charge of the dishes, DO NOT EVER do any dishes. He has to know that you are serious and you need help.

HaHa... welcome to what most of us face. :)
One thing a friend of mine just told me after I was complaining about constantly cleaning up after my 20 month old... Just clean it up once or twice a day. Don't follow your son around cleaning it all up.
For instance, my husband gets home soon & I just picked up the toys from today. It's less stress on me.
Cleaning: I pay my mom to clean my house with Shaklee supplements. They are the best, so I have a win-win situation. My mom lives healthier longer & I get a clean house! But, I still do stuff in between if needed b/c we have 2 cats. I would clean weekly or as needed. Save the tougher stuff for monthly.
I'd have to agree with some of the other ladies... Stay with your boyfriend, get married, & deal with it.
Take care!

Hi A.,
Well, you have a few options, but if you love your boyfriend, then stay with him. My friends who are divorced tell me it is even tougher on your own with a child. Talk to your boyfriend about dividing the household chores. I had the same issue with my husband, and I have a two year old little girl and I am a stay at home mom, and my husband travels all the time. I felt trapped and overwhelmed by all the housework. When I explained to him that he could leave work at the office, but that my job was 24 hours, 7 days a week, he seemed to get it. It definitely helped my husband realize how much work a two year old is when I left her with him for half a day. It makes him appreciate me much more.
If cleaning is the biggest issue, can you afford to have a cleaning service come in twice a month? I have someone come in twice a month and it really makes a difference. I also have my daughter help clean up and put away her toys. I bought a toy bin organizer from Toys R Us, and that has been wonderful for her to know where her toys go and put them away. If you teach them now to help, it will get easier as they get older.
If you are not happy at home, then you might think about getting a job. Just remember that daycare can be expensive, and the money you bring in might just break even for the daycare. But if your sanity is at stake, then go for the job (any extra money can go for a cleaning service, and you will be off the hook!) If that is not an option, then remember, your son can go to preschool next year and you will get some time to yourself. Good luck!

I have to start with, God doesn't really condone couples "living together" outside of marriage so......this could add to the struggle.(unscene as opposed to what you see)I am not judging you - shoot I've been there - just throwing it out there. Anyway, staying at home is certainly not useless or lazy! You just need to change your mindset and it will all look different :) You are blessed to have a wonderful son (whom you wouldn't have without Him) and the opportunity to be the one who speaks into him, plays with him, loves on him, learns with him is one you can never "do later". You can always go to work!! Your babies are only babies for a minute - and then it's gone! As for the toys and laundry and dishes - let the 2 year old help you with it all throughout the day. Some woman will thank you one day :D Every thing you do throughout each day is a moment to learn, laugh and love with him - getting your house as straight as YOU'D like it in the process is a bonus! Constantly cleaning up after the baby is not doing him any favors. What area do you live - you can get connected with some mommy groups - support and interaction are GOOD! I know you don't have a car but that's why I asked about location - certainly rides or bus routes or SOMETHING can be worked out. I hope this is helpful - you can do it and enjoy it. It doesn't sound like leaving will ease your stress in this situation. You'll still have to do all the housework, I suppose you'd have to work and pay someone else to care for your child, spend little to no time with him after work/housework, and seperate him from his daddy - custudy share is another added stress...hmmmmm, can I go on?????????? Have a blessed day.