"Flirting Husband"

I have "been there" and "done that". What I learned from it was that I needed to impove my "self esteem", learn to set bountries for myself, and eventually, I believed that I "deserved" better...

Were the emails written to them AFTER you got back together?
If so I say that there are some serious issues and you should really consider whether or not you stay w/him. I have been on both sides of this situation. I am divorce/remarried. When I was married to my previous husband I cheated on him. I am not proud to say that, but I have learned from it and know how a cheater thinks. He will continue to do it if he thinks he can pull it over on you..
If the emails were before you got back together, as hard as it is you will have to find a way to learn to trust him. Me and my best girl friend call it the Jealous Monster, and as silly as it sounds, it really is like a monster that will try to eat you alive. I will be happy to give my experiences if you need to talk. Good luck to you!

M. I was once in your situation. Let me tell you it does not get any better. Once you can not trust your mate then you need to move on. Initially you should give it to God and have him order your steps. Listen carefully to what he has to say and then act on it. I was married for ten years, my husband was the biggest flirt there ever was. But so was I so I did not think anything of it since I knew I had never acted on it. However three years into the marriage I started to realize that he was cheating on me. Needless to say I left several times and came back several times. Yes the mind is strong but the flesh is very weak. During the times that I came back I did not have any peace, everytime he left of his phone rang I was stressing over who it was or where he was going. So I started to change into a person I did not want to be. It wasn't until I became to value myself more than I did that man did God give me the courage to take my son and leave. It was scary but I could sleep at night and I did not have to worry about when and where my husband was going to be. I will pray for you and you family.

M.,

I've just edited this because i remembered a type of couple's therapy that goes into deep patternings and beliefs we carry from our own growing up experiences.

Its IMAGO therapy and is very powerful and loving for both.
you can google a therapist in your area. I'd highly reccommened it.

having a toddler and betrayal events come up with your husband has nothing to do with 'giving those women what they want'. they didn't come into the picture to hurt you...so many people are in such up in the air situations that most just want companionship and passion. its what we all want in Life...to feel Alive and with someone we can count on. whether or not he physically 'went there' with them after you left...only he knows. in the meantime, it may be wise to feel more...cry more and open to your body's knowing. it really is an amazing resource for utilizing your instincts and intuition. if you listen to it, you'll know.

Also if you do find out that he 'went there' physically with someone while you were gone only a short time, to me that shows the level of his emotional lack of maturity and wisdom.
if he Loves you as he says he does, he wouldn't seek physical intimacy so quickly. often when one doesn't have emotional intimacy, they go right to having physical intimacy....you see it in young teenagers all the time, adults as well.

the important thing is to take care of your self. you have a child now who looks to you for everything. the healthier and more balanced you are, the more emotionally stable and healthy your child will be. it may be wise to feel it out more...trust what your gut tells you. be unafraid to make the moves you know you must to be stronger in your own relationship with Life. Even if it means leaving him.

and if he does Love you and you've already moved out...he'll have to show he Loves you and make that his number one priority. if he's unwilling or unable to do that for you and your child. then he's not the one for you girlfriend.
never settle because of fear. my 'little one' is now 12. i wish i left her dad when she was still a young toddler. i didn't and learned in the journey through all that a huge lesson in trusting what i felt and what my body responds to. i also learned the difference bt judgment and discernment. I can choose what kind of people and experiences i want in my sphere...do you want this kind of unsettling energy in your Life? discerning what's best for you with all this may take some time, but its worth looking at with a 'cold eye' and seeing and knowing within your self what is true.
his mother of course wants you to stay together. she's worried about her son, but she is not married to him and raising a child with him. you'll know when and if its time to continue to work it out for as long as you can and when/if its time to let go. trust your self...these are growing times.

also, it may be a good time to do some relationship inventory. belief systems about who should do what and why and beliefs about what relationships mean to you. understanding your self brings wisdom, clarity and strength and it also puts it back in your lap so you feel you have more control over your Life...not someone doing it to you...it gives you the power, the energy and the inspiration that comes with wise choices when one knows them selves, their situation and can choose what's best for their own evolution and that of their children. all the best to you!

First-this is none of your mother-in-laws business. You need to make the decision that is best for you and your son. If you love him then try to stay with him. Trust is earned and he will need to earn back your trust. If he spent so much time and effort trying to get you back then I would say he is being sincere. But the trust is going to remain an issue until you feel you can trust him again. How can he do that? Ask yourself what would he need to do in order for me to trust him again and then ask him to do it.

M.,

do you love your husband? If so work on it. It is easy to quit and hard to stay. If you can stay. Treat him like a king make him know that he has a queen at home and has no need for easy trash in the street. Try your best to keep your family together.

Your Son has alot to do with you & your Husband TRUE.Thou,If you base staying on for a Child You Should Leave.Stay only IF in your HEART you Believe in the LOVE you two have. I am a Old Child of Parents that stayed so called cuz of the children.(NOT 100% cuz of US) There/Our History is one you will NOT want to Live in NOR would you want your Child to Live In!!
As for the Mother-n-law She has her LOVE for her Son in mind.NOT Your & HIS Love in Mind.ONLY the two of you can fix what is wronge.It's really All on You.
You wouldn't be Giving a GOOD MAN to the Women of the world!You'd be Giving Yourself a chance to FIND "THE WOMAN" inside of you that "CAN" make it on her own.You'd Find your a STRONGER WOMAN than you've ever known! (Its hard to do with a Husband but it can be done if you stay)I am Praying 4 the BEST for YOU. Jesus LOVES YOU & Is watching over you.

I'd like to recommend a good marital websource- marriagebuilders.com. There are extensive sections on overcoming affairs, flirting etc. Check it out. I have read some of Dr Harley's books too. check it out, there's a ton of advice that seems to work!

watch him close I had a husband just like that checked his background shocking he had been marry 4 times beside me I am also older then you. take care of your son and god will do the rest .Remember your Husband losting your Mother in law !!! come on talk to your mother are your best friend
-my name is Candice

What is your gut telling you? Somewhere inside you know the truth. Listen to yourself. Trust your instincts. If you want to stay knowing what he may or may not have done it's a choice.

M. - Your child needs a daddy. Sounds like your husband wants to make it work.

Get the marriage counseling you need to make things work...
If finances is an issue - many churches offer counseling.

My husband and I have been married for 32 years. I love him more now - then I ever did. He is so awesome.

But our first few years were very, very difficult....

There are reasons for getting a divorce, but not nearly as many as people think. Building trust and intimacy requires work... but it is so worth it.

Sadly, this is an age where people do not understand - LOVE IS A DECISION YOU MAKE DAILY.... We are surrounded by media images and celebrity break ups everywhere. [Dysfunctional, self-centered philosophy regarding commitment]

Don't buy it... and don't throw away a relationship with the father of your child casually based on the FEELING of the moment. [even GUT feelings can be very deceptive]

M.,
A marriage needs to be based on trust. But trust is something that develops over time and over the rough spots. It involves listening to the other person, putting yourself in his place, understanding where he is or was, and then forgiving. It is very easy to love someone when you have never been hurt. But all marriages, and indeed all relationships involve some betrayal. Noone can always meet our expectations. People always let us down in some way. The hard part in any relationship, marriage partner or other relationship, is opening up to that person who has hurt us and accepting them in spite of the hurt. It is easy to love when we have not been hurt. When we can love in spite of being hurt, then we can say we truly love.

If you can be compassionate with him, perhaps he can be compassionate with you in whatever your flaws are. We all make mistakes in life.

Best of luck in your decision.

A.

Well M., your husband is fibbing. He is diong this with other women just in case he is soon going to be free.Sounds like there is a terrable lack of communication to make you break up. If you left him and wanted to seperate that gave him permission to do this, even though is was adultery. In the worlds eye it was not. It is up to you to choose to stay, follow your heart. Did you know your heart has 40,000 neurons? Your brain has millions. They have just found this out about the heart recently~therefore we do use our heart to think on deep things!

I can't advise you as to what to do, but I can advise you and how to figure out the solution. First, whatever your decision, make it for life. What I mean by that is simply this: Don't say now I will stay with you then next year, or ten years from now, say I need to go because I can't trust you because of the time you talked to people when we were separated. On the other side, don't get in touch with him in a few years and beg for him to take you back if you walk away now.

Second, choose to focus on what caused the problem not the result of the problem. Why did you separate? Why did he want to talk to other women? The resulting action of the problem is what you should be concerned with, not the fact that he talked to someone else. More than likely, n=both of you need to do some soul searching to answer this question completely.

Third, start over again. Make a decision and stick to it. One of the easiest ways to stick to something is to start over again. If you stay with him, get "remarried" or at least take an opportunity to go recommit to one another. If you separate, don't carry baggage from the past with you. Let it go.

Fourth, forgive yourself and him. Forgiving each other is probably the most important step, but is the hardest. You feel as if he is the one who did wrong, but if you would take an opportunity to honestly evaluate the time leading up to the separation you will realize the part you played in the actions. Instead of letting the guilt eat you alive, forgive. Forgiveness releases the hold that the person or action has on you. If you ever want to move beyond this time in your life, with or without your spouse, you must forgive him and yourself.

Finally, surround yourself with people who will support your decision. Not everyone will agree with whatever it is you choose, but since it is a choice made for life, don't let your "friends" remind you how wrong you were. Pick people who will support you when it seems you should have gone the other way. I promise you this, if you stick to your decision without going back on your word, you will gain confidence in yourself that will make it easier next time you need to choose.

I hope this helps.

You will always feel insecure about your marriage b/c of what has happened. That's not what a marriage is all about. A marriage is a bond, a commitment and security, just to name a few. I know that you love him, but how much? Are you willing to stay with him your whole life and feel these insecurities? While your child is too young to experience the tragedy of parents divorcing, make your decision now, and don't have anymore children with him.

I would seriously consider getting some counseling for both of you. You have both been on a roller coaster and have things that need to be addressed. I would try to find a good counselor to see on your own and then go to marriage counseling as well.

Hi M.. Sorry to hear of your situation. You and your husband need some sound Godly counsel. You did not say if you or your husband have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, but it will take God to intervine here. You opened the door by leaving and he acclerated the problem by creating reasons for you not to trust him.

The bigger concern here is your child. I am a mother of an 8yr. old girl. I come from a divorced family and I myself am divorced from my first husband, we had no children. Divorced should always be the last resort, it really should be retitled "Devisation", because of the long term havock it creates in every live it touches. If you love your child, you owe it to him, to try and save your family.

I will be glad to give you some references if you would like or if I can answer any questions in reference to divorce. I will also be glad to help you with any questions you may have on how to obtain personal relationship w/Jesus. Oh yeah, I did not say that marriage was easy, but it is only through my relationship with Jesus Christ, I was saved Feb. 2005, that I am married to my childs father today. We had a few rough times, after our child was born, but I realized that I had no power to change him, but God did and He has the power to change your husband too, all you have to do is ask and beleive.

I will be praying for you and your family.
D.

Hello M., I'm so sorry to read what you've been going through. I've been there and I know it feels. My husband has been unfaithful and we've been married 12 years. My daughter is six now and we separated when she was around your son's age. From my experience they (husbands) will say all the right things to get you back and to try to get things back to 'normal', but here's where the old statement rings the truest that 'actions speak louder than words'. We went to counseling which was extremely important. He did not want to go at first but I said it was counseling or I'm not coming back. We found a counselor recommended by New Life radio that specializes in men's infidelities. He knew how to talk to my husband without pointing fingers and making him feel like a failure. I never knew specifically if he was intimate with the other woman but suspected it and I read somewhere that an emotional relationship was still an affair. It takes a long time to build the trust back and resume a normal relationship but I have to say I'm definately glad we did. There is a book my counselor recommended to me that might help called "Living With Your Husband's Secret Wars" by Marsha Means. I will pray for you and your family.

M., It sounds like you need marital counseling. If you separted in the first place it sounds like you were unhappy and if your husband is "talking" to other women, it sounds like he was unhappy. It seems there are marital problems that you are not going to be able to work out on your own. Also some trust issues. If you don't establish trust, you can't have a healthy marriage. I recommend you seek counseling and soon! Even good marriages are a lot of work and it's worth it to work it out especially when you have a child. I wish you the best. K.

Hi M.. I have been married for almost 4 years and my husband and I had a rocky start. Which took us a long time to get out our rut . Now we are very happy. I suggest you try marriage or family counseling. It really works! My husband is in the military and he does lots of traveling.

You have to learn how to forgive to even get started on working your marriage out. If you constantly think about the past or anything negative it will tear not only your marriage, but emotionally tear you up in the inside. That's where the depression comes into play. You have to be strong especially for your 19 month old. Children pick up on things like that. Stop worring about him but focus on you and your child. You can't worry about if he's cheating or not. It will make you crazy. Work on the NOW and don't listen to family or friends get someone to help that doesn't know you or your husband. It's a 24 hour job.(marriage). You are not going to be happy all the time. You can learn how to work things out. When you learn about yourself then you will be able to make that decision about your marriage. Good luck and many blessings.

C. L.

The best thing for you and your marriage is to find a good counselor for the two of you to go to...together. It really will help with the worries and uneasiness you are feeling as well as enable the two of you with better tools for communication. I cannot say enough good things about getting some help in this department. We all communicate differently and sometimes we just need a little help, both with our partners and with expressing oursleves.
Best wishes.

HI M.,
i just have to give you my 2 cents...My first husband left me after 10 years with 3 little boys under the age of 6. I never saw an affair coming! I trusted him with every fiber in my body! He jumped the fence for greener grass...it was a total shock to me. NEVER SAY NEVER! He too traveled..and worked with this tramp...he happens to be married to her now. You can never sweep things like flirting under the carpet...it will come back to bite you in the butt! Be careful and do not trust him right now..he has given you every right to question him and his actions! Take a step back and re-evaluate this relationship and protect yourself from falling in the trap of trusting him right now.....flirting leads to affairs...it is the first step to tearing a family apart!
God bless you my dear....find support with your family and friends and tell your mother-in-law to kiss a moose...you don't stay with a cheater or liar so the "other" woman does'nt win...that is toally wrong...you take care of you and your child...that is what comes first!

good luck with your delimma. i have been in your shoes (my daughter was about 6 or 7 months old then--she's 8 years old now). the only difference was that i had proof that he was cheating. if your husband has never been a known liar, he may be telling you the truth now. my ex was and still can be a pretty good liar. as for you, have you thought about talking to someone to see if you might have post-partum depression? also, do these women live in places near where your husband travels? only you can make the decision to stay or leave, but you are right to take it slow and not do anything rash. again, good luck!

Flirting is cheating, and let me say this, if you have doubts about him being faithful, well you gut instict is allways right, he is cheating. If you can accept that and forgive him and plan on him doing this again (because he probally will) then stay with him, this totally depands on what you are comfortable with and willing to live with. If you can't be with someone who you can't trust (because he will lie about this) and someone who is unfaithful, then you need to leave. Really it depends on what you can live with. Some women can be with a man who cheats and they are happy, they are able to accept them for what they are, unfaithful men. The trick to this is you can't be going off like a crazy woman when he is out messing around, when you knew he was possibly going to do this, it would make you crazy and make for a bad home life. Most women see the cheating as disrespectful, dishonest, and they need a trust in thier marriage, this is the normal feelings. In the case you are this type of women you need to go ahead and save your mind and heart from the stress and pain and start a new life without him as your husband. You will be okay without him!:)

M.,

I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. I must say that it really depends on what you feel in your heart. Listen to your intuition. We as women are gifted with knowing the truth about things, we choose not to trust ourselves a lot of the time.

You know what is best for you and your son. Don't worry so much about your son having his father in his life. He and his dad can very much have a wonderful relationship whether you and his dad are together or not. It sounds crazy, but it's true. I am living proof. So are Demi and Bruce with their kids.

I don't think you should allow your mother-in-law to make you feel guilty or convince you to stay if it is truly not want you want. Listening to your words it sounds as if you have made up your mind, you just fear walking away. I think she may have said that because she may fear not seeing her grandson. Let her know that no matter what, you won't keep him fom her or his father. (Unless of course they put him in danger.)

M., you deserve to be happy and in a relationship to where you are respected, adored and loved. A marriage should be a place where all things are sacred between a husband and wife. If you want to stay with him, I recommend you both go to counseling together and independently. It's tough to get back to trusting someone who has hurt you. It can be done, but again seek counseling.

Trust yourself and know that your happiness is more important than settling with anything in life. I wish you all the best.

~T.

I would say as well but I think your husband has some depression and low self-esteem issues-- things perhaps the two of you could work on in counseling together. The fact that he couldn't stand to be alone for a short time and that he ran to other women shows he has low self-esteem and issues. If you love him, I would recommend some therapy to talk about this stuff. My hubby and I have been married for over 8 years and we have never split but have been to therapy a few times and it's always a positive thing.

Mel

Hi M.,

My name is P.. I have a 2 yr. old son, will be 3 yrs. old in March. I have a similar situation. I got married in 2003 (I think)!! LOL! Anyway, the man I married is in the military and I went through the same thing. I left my family and friends here in Raleigh and went to Colorado so we could start our family. Not to say the least we were already on shaky grounds before I left. I got pregnant and my son was born in 2005, and to find out while I was in the hospital trying to recover he was out running the streets doing whatever. So, I came back home when I found out he was going to Iraq for the second time. So another year went by and he came from Iraq and here I go again wanting to keep my family together I went back out to Colorado...thousands of miles away. Thinking things would get better, come to find out again I'm not the wife he wanted me to be because things hadn't changed that much. So I finally decided to make my mind up and come back home with my family and raise my son around his grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. That was the best decision I could have made. I know it's hard and difficult, but God will see you through. I have been through so much with my son's father until I couldn't take it anymore, and it's better that I'm not with him. He's gone to Iraq again for the 3rd time. I still LOVE him with everything but I had to move on and I finally have peace with myself. I don't have to worry about when he's coming home or who is chatting with on the internet, or texting on his phone. I don't care about that stuff anymore. So hang in there if you can.

P. F.

Get marriage counseling NOW!!

You're right not to make a huge change in the midst of anger and frustration, and you don't need to drag your young son through this if it can be avoided.

I would suggest reading the blog http://wwnh.wordpress.com for some insight into the male-female relationship. There is so much there, I read every post, and it has helped me understand my husband better.

Another relationship book I would suggest for you if you're Christian is "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian.

Go with your gut feeling...if u see "a red flag" dont ignore it.It will save u a lot of heartache in the long run!
Good luck to you

I will also suggest you both to go to marriage counseling. I don't know if you go to church or not but a lot of pastors have been trained to do counseling. My pastor does this free. Speaking as a child of a divorce, it is something you never get over. There are always issues that will make your child at best uncomfortable. It is best for all if you can work out your problems.

First of all, you have to decide if you really love him enough to stay....and if the answer is yes then stay. Marriage is something that you have to work at, and unfortunately...it's not easy. Men are very different from women, he probably was lonely, and did seek comfort in these other women. You have to learn to trust hime enough to do the right thing, and don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure this thing out. We all make mistakes...and a part of marriage is to "forgive and forget". Take you mother-in-law's advice, I'm sure she is a very responsible understanding person that realizes things will happen.....this may not be your last incident, but always remember that love brought you two together, so depend on love to keep you together.

It sounds as if you have a problem, not him. I think that you need to read your Bible and pray. The kind of peace of mind that you need is only found there. You sound jealous and untrusting. You may have to wipe the slate clean, ask him to forgive you, and get some professional help. God will listen if you ask for help. It's absolutely necessary that you do these things or nothing will work for you. You must be in a state of total confusion so pray for discernment. Your husband could have definitely paniced when you left.

Hey,
Sorry to say honey but we can only control our actions. this is a very difficult situation to be in and ur feelings are VERY real. U have to make whatever decisions are best for you. It will be hard to think of urself outside of ur child, but whatever is best for u IS also best for ur child. If u believe ur marriage can work, stay in it and fight... If not, don't be afraid to pick up the pieces and move on. It's difficult and much easier to type than to do, but the answer to this question is already in ur heart. GOD bless!