First Grade BULLY

Sadly, sometimes good people "help" kids like this be enabling their bad behavior. "He has such a hard life..."

I would ask to have my son moved because of the chaos. There is a reason they ignore his behavior.

It sounds like there are many issues at hand here. It's a wonder that these children are learning anything at all in this environment. If at all possible, I'd be switching my child to the other class or switching to a new school entirely. My kids go to a private Catholic school where this kind of behavior would not be tolerated for an instant.

I can just imagine the type of child you are describing. That is exactly my grandson goes to private school. Sorry you have to put up with it. All I can suggest is a meeting with the principal and teacher.

Hmmmmm.
Well, for one thing, in my observation, you said he had a "piercing eye", not an eye piercing. Two very different things.
I'm guessing that you are trying to describe a facial expression.

Now, out of 17 children, at least half of them are disrespectful, have outbursts and can't sit still for 60 seconds. You believe this is fuelled by this boy you have labelled as a bully.
He sees the principal 3+ times a day and they have "catered" to him by trying to basically help him succeed.
You feel it's not enough.

You have no idea of what this child's health issues are. You have no idea what his home life is like. You have no idea what challenges the family might be facing. You find suspension to be the answer.

Why don't you move your child to another classroom?
If you have decided that the class problems are due to one child, that's what you should do.

I'm a little curious about your self-imposed suspensions for your own children to teach them a lesson. This is first grade. I'm surprised you are so focused on suspension at this age.

That said, my son had a little boy in his class who was the most unruly little thing you ever saw. He was small and thin for his age. If there was trouble to be found, he found it. I volunteered in the classroom and was assigned to help him with his reading. I realized very early that he was somewhat embarrassed by struggling. I also noticed that he kept twisting the arm of his jacket. What I first assumed was fiddling, I realized that the sleeves were way too short and there was a hole on the arm of his coat and he was trying to turn it so I wouldn't see it.
Living in a small town, I knew that he and his little brother didn't live with their mom because she had drug problems. They were being raised by their grandparents. They were quite elderly. Grandma really struggled with their high energy and naughtiness and they weren't wealthy people.
This little boy became my buddy. I helped him with his reading. He was put in my group when I chaperoned field trips. I had no trouble with him. I didn't bark at him all the time.
I "anonymously" gave the school one of my son's jackets for him that was practically brand new but he'd outgrown. I was tickled to see the little boy proudly wear it and he had no idea where it came from so his "secret" about the hole on his sleeve was never exposed.

I just think that with kids so young, you can't make assumptions about anything and you can't peg them as "the problem". If they are told that enough, they will fulfill that role because it's all they know.
You brought up his weight. Does he get teased for being fat?

He's a "typical" bully and his mother is the typical mother of a bully in your assessment.
Again, this is the first grade. Some kids have more problems adjusting than others.
If you are concerned about your child, move him.

The school may be aware of much more than you know, so telling them how to handle another child might be off base a bit.

Just my opinion. No offense.

Hmmm? Tricky situation.

My opinion, since you are in the classroom 3x a week, I say you do your very best to make nice with this boy and try to set a good example and try to teach him (through caring thoughtful positive gestures, no negative anything) how to be well behaved and possibly even how to make friends. This is what I would do.

~No offense but if half the class is out of control and even your own child(ren) have gotten in trouble enough that you have implemented a self imposed suspension for 1-5 days (Yikes! What did they do?) it sounds like this one child is NOT the only problem in need of fixing. Sorry.

And for what it's worth, I am a 35 year old grown up woman who went to school in LA and I have NO idea of what a 'typical version of a bully' looks like? All you described is someone overweight.

Hi Martina,

I had a very similar experience when my son was in the second grade. The bully had a terrible home life so the school was really hesitant to get the parents involved, and they definitely didn't want to suspend him because he was still better off at school than at home.

I asked for the kid to have in school suspension. If they didn't want to send him to school, they still needed to give him the dignity of treating him like everyone else with the same expectations and consequences. If they didn't feel like they could give him the same then they needed to move him to a special needs class instead of sticking him in the same class everyday and setting him up for failure.

I also told the school that I finally had to tell my son that he had every right (after exercising all other appropriate options like telling the teacher, school counselor, using his words and walking away) to defend himself. The fact is that we don't owe it to anyone to let them kick our butts. I was told my son and the other boy would be suspened for fighting. Wait....he can beat my kid up and nothing happens, but if my kid defends himself they both get suspended for fighting? I told them what I said stood, they could do what they had to, and then we would be trotting off to the superintendent of schools the next morning and then on to the zoo to begin our mini vacation. I was amazed at how fast they were to start disciplining this kid.

Half of the class is out of control? Where do you put him then? Is the entire school like this? Elementary school was nothing like this for my daughter. Where in the world is the teacher and what are the volunteers doing?

I have to know...what kind of "episode" did your children have that you needed to suspend them yourself for 1 -7 days?

It seems like this is a bit more complex than just one kid who is a bully. New teacher, teacher quitting, half the class is disruptive and the entire class has only 17 kids but there is so much chaos????That is a lot...especially in 1st grade when fundamentals are so important. My absolute first reaction is that since this is a charter school and you are there by choice, that you take your kid and leave. If this has been going on for half a year already and nothing has been done, it does not seem like it is going to change. Sometimes you have to be the element of change. I wish it wasn't like that, but sometimes that is what you have to do.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I had to deal with a bully in my son's fourth grade class and it was hell. Luckily, he left the school.....not us.

I don't know what you can do to improve the situation...it isn't in your control. However, if it were me, I'd pull my child out of the classroom. What kind of education can these students possibly be getting with so many disruptions? If I had enough time to volunteer three times a week in the classroom, I'd rather homeschool (which I do, and this is just one of MANY reasons.)

Have you considered it? Your child deserves a better education.

Here is what my child's first grade teacher, who was a great teacher with more than 25 years of classroom experience, did when a boy in that class -- who by the way was short and as thin as a rake, so let's not bring weight into it -- started bullying:

1. She moved his desk next to her desk. Actually touching her desk. When he was at his desk he was facing her every moment. When kids moved desks each quarter, he did not move.
2. The principal worked closely with the teacher. If the boy was the least bit disrespectful or didn't do his work, he was immediately dispatched to the principal's office with his work. He would sit at a table in the principal's office --not the main office, the principal's own office--and do his work. Sometimes for almost the entire day. The principal and teacher did not wait for the kid do do something severe like hit another kid before they sent him to the principal's office. And his going there wasn't about lectures or discipline; it got him out of the classroom and he had nothing to do but work and no one to interact with but the principal.
3. He was strictly monitored on the playground, where the boys liked to get behind the bushes and fight. The school banned any kids going behind the thick poplar trees and bushes at the edge of the playground. Teachers had to pay more attention at recess than they were used to doing! Unfortunately in the years since, I've heard that that ban has slipped and boys still get back there to pick on and fight each other. I still don't get why they don't cut those things down. (We're at a new school!)
4. He repeated first grade! He lacked the emotional "brakes" to know when and how to stop messing with others. And as a result his schoolwork tanked too. So to help with both, the principal and teacher strongly, strongly recommended he repeat. His parents, fortunately, agreed.

Once this kid was glued to the teacher or the principal his problem behaviors didn't stop but they were greatly curtailed simply by keeping him on a tight leash. But it took a huge commitment from teacher and principal to do this. Admirably, the classroom teacher never made him the focus of her attention in a way that made the other kids feel he was getting all her time etc. It's possible your teacher will say she has so many other kids and such a chaotic classroom that she can't devote that kind of attention to one child. I'm surprised that this late into the school year, the classroom is in as chaotic a shape as you describe.

It is great that you volunteer. Ask her, at a time that's calm for her with no kids around, if it would help her for you and other parents to create a regular roster of volunteers to be in the classroom for the rest of the year, more than for just special events, etc. She should be able to identify the days and periods each week when the kids get particularly rowdy and that may be when she would like just the presence of other adults. It's worth asking, even if she says no in the end.

As hard as this is to swallow, suspending this child will not help. He is not old enough for suspension to do anything but be "time off" for him.

He needs to be placed in another school that deals with problem children. If things get bad enough, the school system will. Meanwhile, I suggest that you document everything you see this kid do. If you want to force the issue, go to a lawyer and ask for help to get the school board to find alternatives for this kid. The alternatives will HELP this boy. He needs the help, and what they can do for him in your school is not enough.

If you start this process, you had better be resolved to go through it. And that mother will hate your guts if she has your name associated to it.

Good luck,
Dawn

Martina:

As hard as it will be - befriend this child - you might end up being the person who positively affects his life.

You are stuck between a rock and hard place. Please don't give up on this child like his mother has...talk to the school counselors about his behavior too...they might be able to intervene...

On a personal note - I would not allow my child to have a eye piercing NOR tattoos until MUCH older (like High School) and I'm surprised an Elementary school allows this. Ours does not. Piercings MUST be removed.

Hmm, this is hard. We had a kid like this one year when I was working in first grade (he was ODD.) Removing him from the group actually made his behavior worse, maybe that's what's going on with this boy? The teacher actually kept his desk as close to hers as possible which did help somewhat.

Since you are in the class so often why not just talk to the teacher about it? That's what I would do. There may be more going on than you are aware of.

As far as "suspending" your own kids, you do realize that your school probably loses money for each day your child is absent, right? That just seems to punish the school and take away very valuable resources. Plus your kids miss whatever lessons were given that day. I don't know what "lesson" they are learning other than if I misbehave I get to stay home :(

As a classroom volunteer I would urge you to take a special interest in this boy, I would talk to your son about helping him become a better person and invite him over for a play date (with or with out mother), I would talk to him about his actions and talk out his feelings. I think he needs a safe place and the school is trying to give that to him but does not know how exactly. You may be precieved as over stepping but cross that bridge when it gets there. If you can try to befriend the mother too, it could be a "we are going to hurt the world before the world hurts us" attitude, many overweight people have that mentality because that is to a degree true. Stereotypes are there for a reason and there are two main ones in regards to being overweight - bully or clown ... someone needs to help them see there are other/better ways in many ways. This is a case where I would condone child service being involved in the child's life and health, maybe not taking him out of the home but monitoring and offering services to better the family's life.

Just like any problem it is the home life that has the greatest effect. There is really little the school can actually do.

They are stuck in a hard place because it is very hard to write off a kid that young, ya know?

I can't help but look at your title and ask how do you see suspending him helping other than keeping him away from the kids for a while?

So what are the positives for your son at this school? You say the classroom teachers have been changing back and forth and lack or ability to control 17 children. They cater to the needs of students with serious behavior problems even if it distrupts the behavior of those kids who are there ready to learn. That sounds like the OPPOSITE of many charter schools in my area that stress classroom behavior standards well above the public school system's. I'm not sure what you can accomplish for this unfortunate child and for your son's classroom by talking to the principal. The classroom environment seems challenging for many reasons. Personally, I would be checking out some different schools. Sorry your son is has such a chaotic first grade year, I hope things improve, or you can find a better place for him.

I think you mean he has piercing eyes as that his eyes look mean right? not a actual piercing, cause that is just disturbing.

Yikes hard place to be in. These kids you want to shake the parents, then the kids, then the parents again.

I agree with what many below have said. Time to befriend and show this child what he is doing wrong. Personally addressing him, instead of just allowance gives no mixed signals.
As far as how involved you get, it depends how much the parents have been informed of his behavior and what they have done to control it. IF its a ongoing issue that has never been addressed. Then its hardly this childs fault. Be the 1% that doesnt give up on him. If it doesnt work then you tried. If you dont like how it is handled there, go somewhere else.

I agree with pulling your child out.
You have your children to take care of. He is not yours. That is a sad way to look at it but he probably needs more than you can give.
Not that you are entitled to know but does he have an IEP? Is he "disabled" in anyway?
Many schools have to take the hands off approach to a child because there are clauses written in his IEP.
Also who is his mom or dad? Are they on the school board, a principal in another school? A town councilperson?
Pull your own child out of that classroom. If they don't put him in another first grade class threaten to homeschool. That should get their attention.

Wow you know I think your absolutely insane to suspend a 1st grader. I hate bully's. My daughter has been a victim of a bully and I'd never side with them. I do think though if the class is out of control the problem is the teacher and who ever is helping out in the classroom. At the 1st grade level most kids just want to please and are full of energy. What are they giving out for snacks. Might be a good idea to make sure its low suger and no yellow food coloring. Also make sure the kids are givin an outlet for the energy.

The only way the school can do anything like suspend him or move him to a special class is to be able to prove they have done everything in his current situation that can possibly be done to help/teach this student the proper way to act.

Keeping him at home will NOT teach him anything. That is not an option in this case. He will just be at home eating slop and being hanging out watching TV or playing outside. He will not gain ANYTHING by being suspended.

Protecting the other students is a do-able thing though.

The school psychologist should have this child under observation. He may well have some conduct disorder that needs to be taken into consideration. There are many things that the parents can do. En mass go to the principle and ask that this student have an aide to assist him. To help keep him from disrupting the class. I know there are concessions the school can make to keep everyone much happier with the situation.

Once this child is older they should have some classes that are specifically for kids who cannot fit into the normal classroom. But at this age all that would do for this student is to teach him things he hasn't done yet. They usually don't put them in there until around 4th or 5th grade.

I think keeping a child home from school as punishment sounds harsh. I hope it is for serious offences, it sounds like it works for your children though.

Well you and your son definately have a bad situation on your hands. The teacher and the school can not really discuss this child and/or their actions regarding him with you but you should be able to talk to them as a concerned parent as it pertains to you child.

First talk to the teacher. Tell him/her that you realize that the class has been in transition but you are very concerned about ALL the kids. You are concerned by the way the "bully" acts and how it affects the classroom as a whole and specifically your child. Tell the teacher that you have noticed that other that misbehaved children are moved but he isn't. You see how it affects your son at home and all the kids during the school day. See what the teacher says. Then do the same w/ the principal. Tell them that while you respect that they are working with this child and can not disclose things about him, you do want to know what is being done to protect your child and help facilitate a better learning environment within his class.

You described the bully as overweight but not his behavior. What makes him a bully? Just because he is overweight doesn't make him a bully.

Seems like there is a lot more going on with the class than the overweight kid. I would look at either changing classes or schools.

It breaks my heart to read this. My son was bullied in second grade; 2 bigger kids from his class tried to flush his head in the toilet during recess. The principals response was that the toilets are designed so kids don't drown!!! Needless to say I wanted to test it on her!
This was at an excelling Gilbert school. The bullying had been going on all year at a lesser degree with no improvement or effective resolution. I wasn't pleased at all with how it was handled. Their zero bullying tolerance is on paper only (btw, the rules are written very vaguely so parents have no recourse). I attended school with my son everyday for the remainder of the school year and now I homeschool which feels like the best decision I've ever made. These experiences can be extremely damaging for the victims and the bully.

Are you sure this charter school has the resources to this kid who obviously needs and eval? What do the other moms say about this? Who else is in the classroom volunteering? Who else is complaining? If your answers are no one, you might want to change the school or change the class.

Also, there is nothing you can do to help this mom control her kids weight issues. Be very careful when you are telling an obese mom that her kid is obese. She sees nothing wrong with how she is shaping her families life. Sad.

I would take him out of that class and place him in another or look for a new school. I am sorry you have to hear people say things about weight as it is obvious you were not trying to make any accusations about weight.

Being in the classroom with him is a great chance to feed kindness, love and support into this child.

It doesn't sound like he is getting any positive feedback anywhere.

Is there anyway you can encourage him without singling him out too much. Maybe if you are helping him with reading give him any sort of kudos so he wants to improve. (Even as feeble as "I have noticed your behavior is getting better"...when he has only two trips to the principle instead of one. Or "wow, you are really getting the hang of sounding out those words")

I don't see that there is any reason why he would want to improve...can you look past his dirt covered wiggly outside and try to appeal to the little boy you know is deep down in there that probably wants to please but has no reason to...??

just a thought...