Finicky Eater - Tahoe Vista,CA

It sounds like he has Daddy wrapped around his finger. He knowingly or subconciously gets a thrill out of the dog and pony show he can put his dad through. Dad needs to fix one menu for the whole family and Reed can choose to eat or not. This needs to be done consitently for every meal. This sounds kind of like the spoiled child that is looking for the parent who loves them enough to set limits and see that they stick to them.

My kid is the same. I refuse to make him special meals. It becomes a way of controlling you and the fmaily. I let him go to bed hungry sometimes and then he realizes Im not kidding. You have to be tough, he has gotten away with it for too long. He wont starve! Good luck.

Is he drinking fruit juices? and drinking milk? Is he getting either of them in between meals or with meals? I would stop these both. I see a lot of older toddlers display the same eating problems and it is usually due to caloric drinks, as well as too many carbs in the diet.

If he is eating breads, breaded meats, and desserts, then he is getting a LOT of sugar, in the form of carbs. Sugar depresses the bodies appetite.

Reduce carbs, stop any drinks other than water, get him on a supplement, like Cod Liver Oil (high in vit A- good for the thyroid and growth, and even his mood). Chromium defeciency is suspect when people crave a lot of carbs or sugar. Indeed, eating carbs and sugar leads to chromium defeciecy and vitamin B defeciency. Vicious circle.

It would be good if the doctor would do blood work on him for nutrient and vitamin levels. I would guess he has severe defeciencies. If you had this tool as proof, I bet the parents and the child would be willing to change the diet. As it is, probably in his/their mind there is no pressing reason to change. we are all lied to by the food industry. They process foods into vitamin-depleated garbage and then through the media and advertising tell us how it will keep us healthy. It will not, and a young body can usually(but stressfully)process this junk,as they get older, it will lead to health problems.

I hope this isn't too much of a repeat, as I didn't read all the responses below, so here goes:

Sounds like this is an issue with Mom and Dad allowing Reed to run the show. Look at it this way - catering to his picky behavior is like providing an addict with drugs to keep them happy when they turn into a monster during withdrawl: Dad knows its unhealthy, Mom knows its unhealthy, and Reed is old enough to understand that his eating habits are unhealthy too - it's just easier to give him the "drugs" (in this case, whatever his poor choice of food is) than to deal with the negative behaviors he displays when he doesn't get his way. This is very clearly going to be a case of changing the habits of Reed's parents as much as his: I assure you, though, the child will NOT starve himself, and if he DOES there is something serious going on psychologically. Behaviorally healthy, "typical" children will never starve themselves willingly. Also, kid's will generally need to "see" and be exposed to a new food 10-15 times before they will try it - so just because he won't eat it is not a reason not to put appropriate choices on his plate or in his lunch.

Now, the solution: he gets to choose what he wants to eat from the choices that Mom and Dad pre-set for him. If he doesn't like any of those choices, then he can choose NOT to eat. Even if he chooses not to eat, make appropriate foods available to him (leave his dinner plate out on the table, even if he refuses it - if he gets hungry later and whines about it, re-heat his plate of food and re-offer it to him). And that's that. Also -NO DINNER, NO DESSERT and that's final. He is WAY to old to be acting this way, and while some children are picky eaters their entire lives and into adulthood, that doesn't mean we as parents can allow them to eat whatever they want - this is why WE are the parents, and they the children! If they didn't need guidance, then they would hatch from an egg and fly away after a few weeks instead of sticking around until they are in their 20's :)

Another idea, and really a must, is not to take all his favorite go to foods away (it could be worse than fish sticks) but allow them only in moderation and in tandem with other healthy foods. Finally, it is easier for the parents not to give in to his manipulation if the offensive foods are not in the house: just don't buy the junk, and replace all the unhealthy snack and meal choices with fruits, veggies, graham crackers as cookies, cheese chunks, celery with peanut butter - whatever. If the junk isn't around, he can't eat it even if he begs. Makes a parents job easier to deny his demands if the junk food literally ISNT around.

Mom and Dad need to be on the same page. Kudos to you for doing the work to find an answer - and let your boyfriend know that this is as MUCH an exercise in "training" himself to be a parent that foster's healthy habits and behavioral boundaries as it is getting Reed to change HIS behavior. He has to be aware that it will be a lot of work, struggle, and patience on his part.

*addition: I am a special education teacher by career. I would not worry about obsessive compulsive disorder, autism, or anything at all like that unless his behavioral issues encompass more than just what he eats. Special needs of any type are PERVASIVE and effect much MUCH more than just eating habits.

Unfortunately, we are living in a child driven society and if we don't watch out, they will overtake us! It has been my experience that natural consequences work best. Both parents need to be on board for this to be effective. For instance, if Reed doesn't eat what is prepared, then he doesn't eat. After a day or two of this, you will once again be in control. There is an excellant book called Have a New Kid By Friday by Kevin Leman. Worth the read!

Barring any allergy issues, this sounds like a control issue. Reed controls each and every situation that involves food --- Dad either cooks him a special meal or buys another meal when he refuses to eat the first. Reed will eat when he's hungry and should NEVER be allowed to have dessert if he hasn't made a good effort at eating dinner. We knew a kid years ago (going through a divorce) who "couldn't" eat solids, like the pasta in Spaghettio's --- he sucked the sauce off, but gagged on the pasta. However, he was VERY adept at chewing up Oreo cookies!! His food issues turned into item issues when he got older (if my mom won't buy me the bike, my dad will). We also have a relative (now college age) that was catered to re: food, all her life. She now eats mashed potatoes, chicken fingers and I'm not sure anything else --- but cookies and candy go down like water!! How is this girl ever going to eat dinner at a nice restaurant???

You both need to be strong and address this issue now. It won't take long --- when he's truly hungry he will eat.

Sounds like he's using his eating preferences to control you and your boyfriend, and probably really enjoying the process :). You absolutely need to stop catering to him, and your boyfriend needs to stop as well (which is not in your control, but hopefully he'll see the benefit of stopping eventually). Your 9 year old will eat what's put before him if he's hungry enough. If you can't be that tough, you might want to provide one or two other healthy options ("if you don't want to eat what I've fixed for you, there's fruit in the fridge or PB&J to make yourself a sandwich"). Just don't *you* put in any extra effort to make more than one option available. In the long run, if they boy figures out that he can so easily control and manipulate you and your boyfriend (which he is currently doing), he'll become pretty hard to handle in other ways as well. Get tough, make sure there are healthy options, but don't play his game.

First, I don't think this issue will be resolved until you and your boyfriend can get on the same page. As long as Reed knows he can get what he wants from his father, his behavior will not change. I agree with the other mamas who have posted that you want to rule out medical and developmental causes. However, at least some of this sounds behavioral: refusing to eat a hamburger with a bite in it is not about food allergies.

I think your family needs to make some simple rules around food that you all agree to follow. Most obviously: no desert unless you eat a well-rounded dinner. Bread and then dessert? No way. Explain the basics of nutrition to him. His engine needs to be driven by real food, not dessert. Then explain that desert is a treat, not a given. Dessert is BIG leverage with my picky eater.

Finally, I wanted to tell you that we have a very picky six year old who is also quite thin. We cater to her to a degree, making things we know she likes, and not pushing too hard with things she rejects, partly because her father has many food allergies and we think she may intuitively reject some foods. But we also offer new things constantly, and she slowly expands her repertoire, often because of the "two bite rule" -- she has to have two bites of everything if she is going to get dessert. We try not to make too big a deal of it: just put the rule out there and move on. This is esp important to my husband, whose own childhood was full of dinner table power struggles. So we put the food out, say "eat it or don't, but this is all that is being offered tonight. And if you want desert, you have to eat some of everything."

Finally, our pediatrician says that she is growing and healthy, despite being thin and picky, so don't worry too much about food.
Good luck.

Hi S.,
I think that behaviorial health experts will disagree with what I am about to say...one meal for the entire family - he is served the same meal as everyone else. He sits at the table until his meal is finished. No dessert unless he finishes. I clearly remember being served a dinner I refused to eat for breakfast the next morning...This is ridiculous! You are running yourself ragged trying to please him and it's not fair to yourself or him. He is not going to be catered to in the real world like this...don't set him up to believe otherwise. If he goes without a few meals, he will not starve. If he does not eat dinner and is hungry before bed, offer him peanut butter crackers or something boring but healthy and filling. Maybe check with his pediatrician and see if the dr has any suggestions.
Good luck! Don't spend your time (or daddy either!) catering to him!

S.,
This sounds like a classic power struggle. And... his Dad is undermining you. You need to talk to his Dad alone and get him on the same page. Little kids are finiky eaters, but he won't starve. I've had this problem and the thing is that the rule needs to be that he eats what is on his plate (what everyone else is eating)or he gets nothing else. No desert, no bread, nothing. Only water. He might be hungry for a day or two, but he'll eventually eat something... I'd actually serve him chicken nuggets, but not as many as he's used to, say if he usually eats 6, give him 3 or 4 and then put a side of carrots and ranch or grapes or something. All the carrots go down the hatch and viola! more chicken nuggets. If the carrots don't go, well... that's all he gets. And stick to your guns... the hunger will work on your side eventually!!!

It sounds like you might need some family counseling.
the only control this little boy has in his life is over his food. How does he eat at his moms house? Divorce/seperation causes much more turmoil in kids than we adults can understand. The extra meal prep he gets from his dad is just more attention for him that he needs and wants.
Good luck to you all.

I know you realize that your position is tricky when it comes to changing Reed's habits. One idea I have is maybe teach Reed some things about cooking. At nine, he is old enough to begin some rudimentary cooking, and perhaps that would help spark his interest. Another idea if you can do it, is when the right time comes in spring, help him plant a small garden. If there are any vegetables at all that he does eat, include those, but also help him decide on a couple of others to just try out. Vegetables fresh from a garden that you have tended yourself taste much better than any you can buy in the store, and children sometimes respond positively in eating their own garden produce.. or at least they are often willing to try them out.
Beyond this, do you know if this has been a lifelong pattern with Reed? If it has started more recently, it might be that he is using food as a way to rebel about his father not being with his mother.. or some other thing that is bothering him about his life. If that turns out to be the case, I would suggest family counciling to help resolve the problem.

OMG... I would not put up with that. The food would be sat in front of him and he would be required to at least take 2 bites of everything. Of course, not eating your meal means no dessert or any treats after the meal. Sounds like this kid has dad wrapped around his finger. Time to be the adult, dad!

I agree w/another responder....is he picky about other things like textures & noise? If so, I suggest you have him tested for Sensory Processing issues. My second question: does he live w/you all full-time? If not, it might be an uphill battle. I agree, your house, your rules & absolutely no more catering & separate meal making til you make him something he'll eat. H will not starve & will eventually figure out you 2 mean business. Has he been this way the whole 9 yrs of his life or just since his parents split? He is clearly manipulating his dad which has got to be frustrating for you to watch. What about his older borther....does he pull this kinda malarkey at times as well & manipulate his dad? If he doesn't play this game, then think about what kinda message this is sending to older brother. He could go one of two ways: either join in on the manipulating or become very resentful & angy. If the boys are only w/you part-time & dad is doing this outa guilt, it's not doing anybody any good & he's only setting himself & the boys up for more problems ( & bigger ones once teen years start) down the road. I say, have a serious convo w/Dad, set up some ground rules & stick to them. Best of luck!

Well, congratulations to Reed for being in charge! Sounds like he has daddy right where he wants him. Daddy needs to understand that what he is doing is going to cause Reed a lot of problems as he gets older. Reed needs to learn that he has to fit into the world because the world will not fit around him. Daddy is doing him no favors because when he gets older, Reed will be a lonely boy because no one is going to cater to him like this. If dad wants Reed to be happy, well-adjusted and well-liked, he needs to teach Reed how to get along in the world and to be more receptive to new things. what I would do is give him dinner, tell him this is it and if he eats, great; if not, he would go to bed hungry. I don't believe in saving the food and putting the same plate in front of him the next day - I think that's way over the top. But at breakfast it would be the same thing. Plate is put down. Eat or don't, your choice, but nothing else to eat until the next meal time. Eventually he will eat! Also, I'm wondering if Reed may have some autistic traits. I have an autistic granddaughter and she's exactly the same way with her food. Now, I do cater to her only because she is autistic and no amount of discipline can alter a condition like autism.

Good for you for caring enough to seek out the advice of many. So many good posts here. I would get the sensory disorder ruled out, but my guess (because of the bite taken out situation) would be the attention from dad. Poor dad! I know what it is like to have a child who wants a special meal, I don't cater to it (I have 5), but it is stressful, and I'm sure the split w/mom is the core issue. Keep encouraging him and supporting him, but you can only do so much. I wouldn't argue over it, but let the father make the decisions as to either making Reed eat or catering. Letting Reed be manipulative is dangerous, but stress can allow you to do things just to "get through" a situation.
Take care & bless you!

A lot of mama's seem to think that Reed's problem is a power struggle...they may be right on target! But please be aware that children with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can act EXACTLY like this. Everything has to be perfect before they will partake in any activity whether it be eating, drawing, painting, playing ball, dolls etc. It is worth looking into with his pediatrician to rule it out. Good luck with him...he is lucky to have a step-mom who cares!

I have a friend whose son is like this. A couple of years ago they found out the underlying cause is several food allergies - some so severe that even the smell of the offending food can set off symptoms. Food allergies don't always present with the typical rash symptoms that we think of - it can be headaches, digestive upset, mood swings etc. Most kids aren't able to make the connection between the food and the symptom so they just get labeled as picky. Defiantly talk to the pediatrician about this.

Your boyfriend needs to stop catering to him. If he is hungry, really hungry, he will eat what is put before him. But he hasn't had to get to that point because Daddy caves in. This will hinder him in the long run because he will think that everyone will do that for him and that's just not reality. He's manipulating his father and is doing it quite well. His bluff should be called. He's thin, but healthy so he's eating, but perhaps just not when you can see him.

First I would evaluate other areas of his life. Is he 'picky' about other things? Do his clothes have to be just so (no tags, seams itch/bother, must be a certain color, etc.). What about toys? How does he deal with changes in routine? Sometimes these things are related to the Autism spectrum and/or other similar issues. Of course it could just be just a spoiled little boy that has learned he can be catered to, but it is certainly worth looking into. Autism manifests itself in different ways with different kids. Three of my nieces/nephews have Autism and none are exactly the same, but two of the three are considered 'picky' about alot of things. Just a thought.

Your the Boss!!
tell him your house your rules and that's that yeah your going to fight but life goes on. in my house you eat whats in front of you or you don't eat I have 4 kids my house my rules and it works good here then on the other hand I have a sister in law who also has 4 kids and she makes 5 different meals everyday morning noon and night why I don't know well this one will only eat this and etc. I told her she is Crazy why drive your self insane tell your son tough thats what were eating
Best of luck D.
mom of 4

I think Jen has a good point, but I would like to add- this could be a part of autism, but it could also be a part of Sensory Integration Disorder, or it could be nothing. Don't worry- Sensory Integration Disorder is usually A LOT less serious than autism! Reed is nine, and though an autism spectrum disorder could possibly have been missed, it's not that likely. Sensory issues are not that widely known about, and can sometimes go without being identified or understood.

My son does have a mild autism spectrum disorder, and he also has sensory issues. Most children with autism do have sensory issues but most children with sensory issues do not have autism.

Sensory issues basically have to do with being much more sensitive than usual. My son is a very picky eater, and we are just letting him try new foods at his own pace, because nothing else works. When he was two or three he couldn't really handle anything new- new shoes, new books, new anything would pretty much send him into a meltdown. He is in kindergarten now it is much, much better. But believe me- he doesn't eat nearly the variety of foods that Reed does!

There is a website called Sensory Nation- you might look there for an overview. If some of it strikes true you may want to have Reid evaluated by an occupational therapist. You may even be able to do this through the school. Many children with SI issues also have problems with fine or gross motor skills. If Reed has issues with penmanship or PE, you could have him evaluated through the school district, and though SI isn't on the official list that school OTs work with, they may be able to work with him on it or give you ideas for things to try at home.

I know these kinds of labels are scary. Remember- it may be nothing. But Reed's food issues sound like they go a little farther than the average picky eater. You may want to have him evaluated by the school psychologist to rule out autism, but my guess is that SI is more likely to be the issue.

I'd like to recommend a couple of books. The Out Of Sync child deals with SI. Raising Your Spirited Child is about raising kids that are more sensitive, intense, perceptive and persistent. Sounds like someone we know! Though my son's OT says he has SI, this book rang much more true for me.

Best of luck to you and to Reed. He's lucky to have you in his life.

Hi S.,

It sounds to me like a big "thing" has been made of eating and now you have to turn that around. 'You want it great, you don't no problem, but this is all there is to eat.' No praise for eating (it's not really a big praising moment - we all eat to survive) and no scolding for not eating. The idea of not getting angry or frustrated and stating things as matter of fact will make all the difference in success.

Also, my mom would have only healthy snacks around the house if we got hungry. A bowl of almonds & a bunch of bananas on the table or an offer of a cap full of ranch and some green beans. Dessert was also a healthy version of dessert like frozen Grapes (SOOO GOOD), yogurt with fresh berries or a RARE real treat of berries with a little whipped cream or honey. By only having healthy things around, it's all I ever ate and now easily live a healthy life.

Good luck to you and Reed! He'll figure it out and certainly won't starve in the meantime.

xoxo,
T.

Try getting him involved in cooking his own food. Get a colorful, extremely simple cookbook and let him choose a recipe. Help him make it, but be sure that he does most of the deciding. Once it is made, taste it and tell him what you think, emphasizing the positive. He will have a harder time rejecting food he worked to make.

Or, just accept him for who he is and make sure he takes a multivitamin. Some things can't be forced.

Amazing how many responded to this! So I'll add my two cents. My nephew was exactly this way. Grilled cheese sandwiches could only be made from shredded cheese not sliced--he claimed he could tell the difference--even when melted. Said he was vegetarian but ate no vegetables, but ate bacon and chicken strips. Eats lots and lots of bread. I believe one part of the issue here most definitely is the attention from Dad, and Dad allowing him to get away with it. Same story with my nephew. The sensory issue is probably another aspect of this boy's problem. My nephew had issues with taste (perhaps a super taster--where sweet and sour tastes are really strong to them) and texture. Very, very picky in regard to things. It wasn't until my nephew was 17 that because of a number of social and educational issues did his parents have him evaluated by a professional. They found he had Asperger's Syndrome (a mild form of autism). In looking at a website on Asperger's it speaks of food related issues. Hopefully this is not this boy's problem, but he should be checked out.

Hi S.!

I have a picky eater, well 2 actually. My oldest son is finally growing out of it. He is now 12, and he started to try different things around 10 1/2. I never pressured or "begged" for him to change his eating habits, but I did have certain rules to satisfy MYSELF as to what he should eat :o)

My youngest is even worse! He's 6, and if he had only fish Sticks for dinner, I'd be thrilled! I have even more rules with him. One of them is to eat a 1/2 of an apple every other day at any time of the day. The other is to drink a "Danamals" every other day, too (if not everyday).

Things I have done that have worked in my home, but were a little too much for me to keep up daily.........

Chocolate Milkshake with Ensure
Freezing Go-gurt, and calling it Ice Cream.
Strawberries with Sweet 'n' Low for dipping
Marshmellow cremem on Graham crackers
Peanut Butter "Pizza " Toast-the name worked for this one.
Oatmeal cookies with raisins AND chocolate chips

Anyway, just adding those fews things has made me satisfied that's it's not all junk and stuff.

I thunk you should be patient with Reed. He's probably just not "brave" enough to try new things. But, if you use keywords to introduce something he already likes, you might be more successful.

Good luck!

:o) N.

I'm an older mom and care provider. For many years I ran a home day care for children. Your problem here is giving in to him. No child presented with healthy nutritious food will starve himself to death. If he doesn't eat, then he deserves no dessert. Why would you want to buy him another hamburger when he's refusing the one in front of him? But again, consistency is the answer, and you and your husband need to get on the same page.

Hi S.

sounds like your son is looking for attention, is there something else going on in his life that may be the real issue and not food? is school ok with him, etc?
as for foods he will or won't eat. Well, if you set something in front of him and he doesn't want it, then don't give him 2nd and 3rd choice, he'll eat when he is hungry enough. Honestly, sounds like you and your boyfriend are making it way tooooooooooo easy for him to get away with this. and dessert and only french bread. I don't think so..
You could also include him in the preparation of the food... this way, he will think he has some say so over it.
I involve my son (only 7) in our food choices, but I also select healthy choices, so even if he doesn't choose item a, item b is still as healthy.. but he feels content because he was a part of the planning..

good luck

My son is exactly the same way. He's only 4 though. It got to the point where he never ate and went to bed hungry and then was up all night crying until we gave him some crackers. Finally we just did the tough love thing. I know it is VERY hard, but he needs to eat and catering to his whining isn't in his best interest. We don't let our son leave the table until he eats at least 2 bites of everything. We started it about a year ago and he is still a picky eater, but he eats much better and will try most things once because he knows he has too. He's also on a multi vitamin which I think is really important. He was always on the small size and now that he's getting better nutrition he's growing. You should give it a try. Include him in choosing a side dish or something but make sure he eats at least one bite of everything. Good luck!

Hi S.,
Wow! I'm sure this is very frustrating. Like many of the other posters, it sure looks to me like a power issue. You and his father have to decide you're going to only make one healthy meal and he'll eat it or not. The rule in our house is that my children have to take 3 bites of everything. One to see if their "mouths" like the taste, one to see if their "stomachs" like the taste, and one more to see if they "agree". Oftentimes, they decide after the 3rd taste that they really do like it. Even if not, they have had a reasonable serving of the item!
Another idea is to try and take the power away from the food. At some time other than a meal time, try playing this game with him -- put together bite-sized amounts of various foods -- some you know he likes and others that maybe he thinks he doesn't or hasn't tried. Blindfold him and give him different bites and see if he can name the foods (start with some you know he'll like so he doesn't quit the "game" prematurely). Make a big deal out of it if he is right -- make it fun! You (and he) may find that he likes more foods than he thinks. The game takes away the possiblity of deciding he doesn't like something before even trying it!
Good luck!

Poor Reed. He has chosen a method of getting attention and feeling special that interferes with his health. Of course no one wants to be accused of starving their child or ignoring. them He should be given lots of love and attention for other things he does. Surely there are other ways of getting good attention from his dad. Does he have a mother? His good healthy food should be offered and then he should be ignored. He is old enough to be fixing his own food and determining how much he needs. Reasonable requests should be granted, but catering to silly demands should be ignored as much as possible. A counselor could be helpful

Dear S.,
Unfortunately he has been taught that what Reed wants Reed gets. Reed will eat if he gets hungry enough. There is no way for you to fully correct this behavior on your own...his Dad needs to want the change and agree to stick with it for it to really work. If he just doesn't want to hear it or deal with it, he will pay the consequence later when Reed is a teenager and the bargaining continues on bigger items. I can see how this can get sticky, especially being "Dad's girlfriend"...I always hated when my Dad's girlfriend told me what to do:) Anyway, plain and simple...he needs to learn that he needs to eat what everyone else eats when everyone eats and no, desert is not an option if dinner is not eaten. I'm not saying he needs to eat the whole plate but atleast a portion of what is being served. It will be tough at first but if you and Dad stick to it..he'll get the picture. Reed needs you two to set the boundaries now...he will pay later if he doesn't learn discipline now. I'm talking from experience, I have a 9 yr old...he would be in the same boat as Reed had I not changed my desire to cater to him:)Oh, one more thing.....try to reinforce the good behavior so he sees it is being recognized what positive change he is making. Also, no matter how frustrating it becomes...stick to your guns, be consistent, and keep in mind...this is fixable!

You and dad, get on the same page first. IF he eats all his dinner (an acceptable amount to you both) THEN he can have dessert. Dessert is a privilege, not a right. (We have kinda gotten ourselves stuck with this because our very SKINNY little 6yo only finally started eating his dinners because we bribed him with desserts IF he ate all his dinner. Now he expects it each and every night even on nights we have dinner late and it runs into bedtimes. Again: Dinner is a privilege, NOT a right.

With my son who is younger at 6, we have implemented this rule (learned from someone here on Mamasource) which works very well for us. It's called the 3 bite rule - 1st bite is to see what it is. 2nd bite is to taste it. 3rd bite is to decide whether he likes it or not. THEN if they still dont like this food that they decided was "yuck" just by looking at it, they at least have had 3 bites in them and they may know it is not quite that bad. (and it takes x number of tries before they are used enough to it to like it when they have it again, so that 3-bite exposure is good.)

Between the two things our 32 lb 1st grader is eating an acceptable amount at dinnertimes now and *finally* has a bit of padding over his bones! I am lucky that he will eat a variety of foods though, just not enough!

We do give in with some "food helps" like cinnamon sugar for his rice, or ketchup or any other dressing or sauce for whatever he wants it on, but within reason. After he's eaten a reasonable amount of what we have for dinner, THEN he can have a dessert.

Dear S.,
Oh my....a monster has been created. And now that it's been allowed to go on this long, it's really going to take some diligence and sticking with it.
I don't want to sound mean, but kids are picky like that because they are allowed to be and it's usually the parents that are behind it. Whether they realize it or not. I do know that if you don't get a grip now, you might as well just give up because I know a boy that is 13 and worse than ever. I babysat for a girl whose father asked what I would be making for dinner that night and when I told him, he said it wouldn't do and I'd have to go to the store because his daughter only eats chicken nuggets with a certain type of bbq sauce. Period. At every meal. I didn't go to the store and I didn't have her for very long. I figured she could eat what the other kids ate, or at least try, but he did not appreciate that philosophy.
The 13 year old boy that I mentioned, I don't know how he even has strength to walk around. He refuses to eat fruits or vegetables and basically lives on hot dogs/ketchup or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...only if the crusts have been cut off. I have never seen his mother eat a decent meal herself because she is up fixing something for him that he will eat. And, one night, he demanded McDonald's, so, she got in the car while everyone else was eating and drove 1/2 an hour to get him a hamburger with no cheese and nothing but ketchup. His dad is sick of it, but his mother will do anything to "get her kid to eat".
To be honest, I just don't understand it. My kids were never picky because I introduced them to all different foods from the time they were very little. They had to try everything before just making up their minds they didn't like it. And there was no special menu just for them if they didn't like what everyone else was having.
They just trusted that I wouldn't make them anything that was gross, and if mommy ate it, it obviously wasn't deadly or anything. In fact, my husband liked making things that I personally had no interest in trying. But the kids wanted to try it. So I let them. They like things I don't like. And that's okay. My daughter found a green worm in some cooked broccoli once and decided she was not a fan of that for a while, but I didn't argue with her about it and she went right back to loving broccoli.
I guess I don't really have any advice other than saying you're starting a new trend and from now on the whole family is trying new and different things each night. And that's all there is to it. Try to get the kids involved with helping to cook...that might help. But unless you make something from a recipe that is such a dud even you won't eat it, no more alternate menus. If they get burger with a pickle when they didn't want one, they can pick it off and eat it or they will eat nothing.
It's like I told my friends with the 13 year old boy....
"A kid will eat a dirt sandwich if they get hungry enough. All the sudden, a green bean might not look so bad when they know there will be nothing else".
They still cater to him anyway.
And it makes me wonder what kind of diet he will pass on to his own children when he has them.
Hopefully you can make a plan together for healthier eating habits because healthy dietary habits last a lifetime. Not to mention the fact that food is hard to come by for so many. Food is something to be thankful for and kids that turn their noses up, especially at 9 or 13 years old, have no appreciation. Their parents have to be the ones to teach them that.

I just really wish you luck with this one.

My younger brother was EXACTLY like this growing up--he's in college now and experimenting with all kinds of veggies, fruits, and healthy food for the first time! From about 2 yrs to 19 yrs, he lived on cereal, chicken nuggets, pizza, and dry burgers (while the rest of the family ate a healthful variety), and to calm your fears he's grown well and is surprisingly healthy. But, what you can do now...

Aside from the obvious things your boyfriend will probably balk at, like no dessert if you don't try a bite of everything, and simply not catering to him (he won't starve, honest)...one thing that helped my mom with my brother was getting him to participate in preparing his own meals. She simply got tired of making him something special, so she said he could have whatever he wanted if he prepared it himself. He got much less picky when he was the chef (as far as food blemishes, etc), though he still stuck to the narrow variety of foods he liked. At 9, your boyfriend's son is old enough to help, if not prepare food himself. If he's invested in the preparation of something he wants to eat, he may eat more and demand less of you...this worked for my brother.

Good luck, and just be patient!

my brother in law is 21 and only eats pizza. REALLY! He still lives at home and his family cooks the best food I have ever eaten but there's always a frozen pizza in the freezer for him because he doesn't even attempt to eat other food. I have known him since he was 13 and even then, that's how it was. Pizza for each meal, every day (holidays included). Some days he orders pizza, some days his mom picks a pizza up for him from a restaurant but otherwise, after each meal, a pizza goes in the oven for him.
I'm sure he was the kid who refused to eat anything else and his parents catered to him. And rather than let him 'starve', they would give him pizza. It was probably more to avoid a fight. But I'm sure if given no other options, he would have eaten what was put in front of him. And I think now, if his mom stopped buying him pizza he would have no choice but to find something else to eat.
My B-I-L has other issues, too. So maybe there is some underlying problem but I have to believe that this pizza issue is simply the effect of his parents catering to his demands. In the case of my B-I-L, instead of growing out of the phase, it will probably continue his whole life.

Hi S.,

We have friends with a 10 year old son, I'll call Robert, that is also a picky eater. Robert is very thin. Robert just spent several days in a local hospital because he is anemic, lacking calcium and malnourished. He had to be hooked up to an IV for several days to build him up. He was losing weight before their doctor got involved, started first with blood tests. Robert is being tested to see if he has crohn's disease or some other intestinal type of condition There is no conclusive diagnosis as of yet.

After spending 10 days in the hospital, Robert was released a few days after Thanksgiving.

If I were you, I would arrange a thorough physical exam for Reed. Robert ate a small amount because of the continual discomfort in his abdomen. At this young age, it is prudent to determine if there is a physical or mental causation for such touchy and picky eating habits.

Of course, at that young age, a child cannot be expected to make healthy choices. But catering to the eating desires of a 10 year old, will set this child up for failing health, later in life.

If Robert's parents had not sought medical attention for him, there would have been serious health consequences due to the malnutrition. We think, here in America, such a condition cannot occur, but look at all the fast food restaurants that families are turning to, for ease of meals.

Please trust your instinct that the eating issues with Reed, is not normal. What does Reed's father expect to receive from this child, if he keeps allowing that child to control the food choices? A parent has to make the touch calls, even when it is not popular with your child.

Start by seeking help from the family doctor. Get Reed examined and his blood tested. Maybe that will be a wake-up call to Reed and your boyfriend. At least, the doctor can be objective and let you know whether there is real cause for concern.

I'm the mother of 2 sons myself, ages 11 and 23.

It hurt me to see what the family of Robert went through so recently. By the way, Robert as an older brother that is healthy and a good eater.

This might be a case of "wills." Your boyfriend is harming his son, to allow Reed's will to control his diet at this age. The "will" of his father, needs to control the diet of his children. A child at the age of 10, does not possess the skill and know how, to make the best choices at this age.

Of course, being a good role model to your children is a help. But beyond that, you must also instill to your children that healthy way of eating, is a must to develop a strong, growing child.

I hope you can follow up and let the Mamasource community, what happened to Reed. I sure will think of you, and pray that God will work all of this out.

L.

Get the sneaky chef, it shows you how to sneak healthy food like vegetables and fruit into their diet. You basically puree the good stuff and add it to sauces of hide it under other things. My favorite is the carrot puree I use as a substitute for tomato sauce in my son's homemade pizza. Good luck

Can you get him involved in menu planning and cooking? Buy him a kids cook book for the holidays. Have him go grocery shopping with you and pick out the food.

Instead of fast food, we like taking the kids to buffets -- at Fresh Choice everyone seems to pick out something different. International buffets (Indian, etc.) are also a good way to broaden what they eat.

Good luck!

You may find it hard to make this connection, especially since you mention that he gets to have very little sugar, but his behavior is really common in a sugar sensitive child. The low protein content and high level of "white" carbohydrates in his diet may be making him overly sensitive to everything. This happened to my picky eater, who tried to practically subsist on pretzels (and whatever else I could coerce her to eat). Being a picky eater wasn't her only symptom, but it drove me crazy!

Your local library may have a copy of a book called "Little Sugar Addicts" by Kathleen DesMaisons. It changed my life! The first, basic step is to get your child to eat a decent breakfast every day, with sufficient protein and whole grains. Quite often, this step alone will make a big difference in a child's behavior.

There's a recipe for whole grain, high protein waffles or pancakes that my kids like as much as Eggos. Another great high protein breakfast choice is a protein shake along with something like a whole grain muffin or a piece of toast made with white whole wheat flour (many kids can't tell the difference between this and regular white bread, but it makes a big difference in the metabolism). You can read more about Little Sugar Addicts at littlesugaraddicts.com and see if your son's symptoms fit the profile I'm talking about.

Good luck!

If you check into the sensory issues and find that there is nothing else going on, I would stop the catering. We have a rule here that when something new is presented, everyone must take a 'thank you bite.' That is to say thank you to the person who made the meal. Then if they don't like it, they don't have to eat any more. I always make sure that there was at least 1 vegetable that I know my kids will eat--and they eat a lot of different things. They have learned that they like cauliflower and asparagus because of thank you bites.

He won't starve and will realize in a short amount of time that he has to eat what is presented if he wants to eat. But that's only if you and your bf stick to your guns!

Good luck, it's worrisome to have such a picky eater!

I hate to sound harsh, but you need to stop making him special food. My stepson was like that when he first came to live with us. We gave in for a little while, but then stopped. There is no reason to make special meals when there is no allergy problem. When he is hungry enough, he will eat what is there.

My stepson is now more willing to try new things. He knows he has to eat what is there, or get nothing else. So he will eat. He may not like it, but he will eat. And if he truly doesn't like what we are having, I won't make it again.

If you keep giving in, he will just stay that way. Also, he should not have any kind of dessert if he isn't eating a full dinner. Any kid would skip dinner and go straight to dessert if they could. If you allow it, he has no reason to eat anything healthy.

My kids are healthy eaters, even the stepson who used to be afraid to try anything new.