Feeling Terrible About Disappointments in My Daughter

We have had the odd friend of my eldest son's in particular (he's quite naive) who has not treated him very well. Early on, I discouraged friendships like that after he'd been burned once or twice. I let him figure it out on his own, but when I knew he was upset, I'd remind him of his friends who treated him great and I'd encourage those friendships. Those were the kids I was happy to have over. I didn't allow the kids who were mean to him, over.

He has a friend at the moment who he says is a good kid, although this kid's other friends are into drinking and drugs, and just bad behavior (suspensions in school etc.). We've had issues with this kid in the past. He came over once and his buddies (these kids I'm describing) all showed up within an hour wanting to use our pool. Nope.

I am really firm on stuff like this - I'm the parent, I have final say. My kid actually likes it - that he knows I'm looking out for him and I will be tough - because he likes limits. I grew up without enough limits, and I got into all kinds of trouble. In my case, my father was ill, so there just wasn't enough parental supervision. But I would assume it would be the same if a parent was too lax.

I would tell my child I'd seen the photo, and that I have concerns. I'd open it up like that. If it's posted on the internet, you're not snooping. You are supposed to be checking for this kind of stuff. You're not invading her privacy - it's on the net.

I don't think you failed her. Kids experiment and as you say, are sometimes drawn to kids that you have concerns about. I use them as learning experiences. I think the fact that you care and want to do something shows how good you are as a mom. It's the ones who think their teens are angels and naively assume just because they don't see anything, it's all ok - are not really involved enough in their kids' lives. That's where you run into problems.

Rules are good. So is saving your daughter from more consequences from behavior like this (pictures, etc.). Take your feelings out of this (don't take it personally) and just guide her.

ETA: Nervy - love what you wrote about 'it's important for parents to 'be the wall that children push against', to be a strong wall and understand that if we parents fail to keep that wall up while the child is pushing against it, the child will fall.' '

It seems like time for a talk about the fact that she should assume that ANYTHING put in the internet (through email or social media) is out there forever. Walk her through a scenario of a future employer happening on that image two years from now. The question posted before yours, though more extreme, could be eye-opening for her to read. I'd stay away from talking more about the suitability of these gal-friends, however, because as you are saying, harping on their bad traits might just make her into forbidden fruit and more attractive.

K., I don't have a teen myself, but I do understand the feeling of being disappointed in a child's choice and then feeling bad about it.

That said, one of the best things I ever read on parenting teens was from Bruno Bettelheim. He explained that, despite the pressure for parents to just roll over and be cool, it's important for parents to 'be the wall that children push against', to be a strong wall and understand that if we parents fail to keep that wall up while the child is pushing against it, the child will fall.' This is really about values. This isn't an exact quote, but an idea... that in order to help our children learn their own values, we must keep to ours, even when they are rebelling.

I hope she'll grow out of this nonsense soon enough. You might also want to talk to her about the legality of what she's doing; being not yet 18, it's problematic and she and her friend could wind up in trouble. Just something to think about. "Innocent fun" isn't so innocent when it is shared on social media and can be made available to the world at large.

Stay connected but stop taking everything personally. She is 17 and she is spreading her wings. You gave her the foundation now she has to build on it. You need to let her.

I know it is hard because you can see how bad decisions at this age can have life long consequences, they can't or won't.

You have voiced your concern. Step back. Keep a watchful eye but don't say anything else. Don't make her feel sorry for them and "prove" to you they are okay friends. We went through that with our son. The more I said something the more he wanted to "prove" to me I was wrong, which I wasn't. =) Hard lesson learned by my son and I learned not to share "every" thought I had regarding the friends.

So, stay plugged in but silent. See what happens. You didn't fail but you can't control her either.

Personally, I would stick to the issue. Yes, you have a wide array of concerns covering this new group of gals she is associating herself with, but all on generalizations and gut feelings and vague ideas about what you think is good for her. (I'm not saying you are wrong, only that you can't *correct* her for liking kids you don't approve of.) So, stick to the pertinent thing. The picture posted of her in her skivvies.

Make no apologies, and don't be apologetic. Be factual. Sweetheart, I came across this picture you are in posted in XYZ. Were you aware it was online? Did you have a lapse in judgment in agreeing for it to be posted? I don't think it is appropriate (explain why). If, at this point, she doesn't volunteer to remove it, then tell her she needs to have it taken down. Do not bad mouth the person who posted it. Let her deal with that. Either she agreed to let it be posted (so she's as much responsible for it being posted as the *friend* you'd like to think is responsible instead of her), or her *friend* did it without her knowledge, in which case I'd hope/think your daughter would take that up with the *friend*. At the least, it should open her eyes. And if she doesn't volunteer and you have to state the requirement to get it taken down (even though once it's out there, it's out there... at least this way she has to face it head on), then let her carry that ball, too. SHE has to have the conversation with her *friend* about it.

Then, don't disparage the friend. She will come to her own conclusions, one way or the other. And either way, disparaging her friend won't accomplish anything positive. She's old enough to be responsible for herself, not to pass off blame on her friends. So do that. Help HER be responsible for her choices, don't let her lay off blame on her pals.

You need to have a talk with her about the post, even if it will be hard to admit how you saw it. An underage girl posting semi-nudes or underwear pictures to the internet is not a good thing, those pictures are out there for life no matter what. Maybe send her an article about internet safety or something.

You need to approach her about the pics. I'm sorry . . . but until she's of legal age you have every right to snoop. In our home, our kids have to "friend" or "add" us on every social media app they are on. I make no apologies about "snooping". They may not like it, but there's a reason for it . . . to protect them. Good kid or not . . she needs to know that that sort of thing is inappropriate and could come back to haunt her in the future. As for the friends, all you can do is encourage her to make better choices and not permit her to spend time with these kids if they are a bad influence on her.

Keep her busy. Plan a road trip. Plan a long distance trip. Go visit relatives. Get active in church.... you get it. Keep her so occupied that she has less time for this very 'fun' new pal.