How Would You Handle This? - Reston,VA

"I found this photo and I don't want to make any unfair assumptions. Can you tell me what's going on?"

I would just have the sex talk and the alcohol talk with him.

I don't have a problem with "snooping" on a 14 year old boy's phone.

I think it's important that she not ask open-ended questions that she knows the answer to and that gives him an opportunity to lie. She shouldn't mislead him. She should speak honestly to him, and expect the same in return. If she says something vague like "so, did you take any photos of you and Elizabeth-Anne after homecoming?", then he can say no and she's in more of a bind.

The significant point to make is that he has put this girl in a potentially dangerous place (assuming this photo is on social media and not only stored on a flash drive or media card). Now there is a photo of an underage girl, next to a boy whose shirt is off (and that can be photoshopped so it looks like he has even fewer clothes on), with a bottle of alcohol right there. That picture can be spread around like wildfire, and it can damage this girl's reputation and follow her around for a long time to come. I don't think that some kids think about the perils of clever photoshopping by people who are intent on destroying someone's reputation or character.

And another point, is that if they did not get the alcohol from her house, that means they obtained it illegally somehow, either by taking it from someone else, or buying it somehow. That's important.

These are issues she can discuss with him that are black-and-white. She doesn't know, and probably never will unless he confesses, whether he drank any alcohol. But, the potentially damaging photo and the fact that the bottle is in the photo are something she can discuss with him. He probably shouldn't be grounded for life or forbidden to see this girl ever again, but he certainly should lose some freedom privileges and trustworthiness, and he'll have to work to earn those back. Both the boy and his mom will have to accept that he's not going to be allowed to have friends over for awhile, unless mom is RIGHT THERE, and his phone/Facebook/social media accounts must now be transparent to his mom. I hope she doesn't go "ape", as you put it, but I certainly hope that she shows him how very, very significant his actions are.

His mom should also be aware of the dangerous social media apps that are out there, that can seem quite innocent. Yik Yak is one. There's also an app that looks like a graphing calculator that is actually a very dangerous photo-sharing app. Parents look at the phones, see a calculator and think nothing of it, but there are ways to tell if the calculator is real. There are lists online of dangerous teen apps that seem harmless but actually are not.

Other moms have given good ideas about how to talk with him.

I want to add that seeing this picture should make the mom aware that he needs some rules to guide him.

1) he's to not have guests without first checking with Mom.

2 ) There will be no friends in the house when an adult is not present. He's not to be in any house unless there is a responsible adult present.

3) He will introduce his friends to his Mom and Dad.

At 14 I suggest parents still need to know his friends and their parents at least to know their house rules, to know if there is a gun if he goes to their house and that they have similar values.

4) he will comply with Parent's curfew.

I have always been one to just get to the point. She should talk to him (calmly) about the picture and give him a chance to explain himself.

Is it all over the internet? Will it affect him at school or playing sports?

If not then this is a very good time to explain how something like this (even if it was a joke) could ruin his future. I am also assuming she is mostly upset about the alcohol, but one of the parents should have the sex talk if they haven't already.

In our home the cell phones are available for us to see when asked, since we pay the bill until they are 18, it's the same for their computers and email.

I agree with starting the conversation with the photo in hand and an open-ended question. Then restating expectations and clearly defining consequences for breaking your trust. ("It would really be a shame if I had to take you out on every errand with me instead of trusting you to follow our agreements at home, but if I have to, I will.")

This is a mistake. Kids make mistakes. We can try to trick them into telling us (which is absurd and skews the relationship between parent and child) or we can model honesty by being honest with them about what we know, what we've seen. I think another piece of the conversation is "how do you think your girlfriend's parents would respond if they saw this? and how does this protect both of your reputations?"

Also to keep in mind-- there have been a lot of articles recently on some problematic attitudes in sports (esp. NCAA ) and their treatment of women, which is less like 'caring human beings' and more as expressions of commerce. 14 is old enough for a very sexist attitude to rub off on him as he is increasingly exposed to older kids. I'm not saying all boys that play sports have this attitude, but even when I was in high school it was common knowledge that the boys on the varsity football team acted like they could have any girl they want. It's long been enmeshed in the culture, so a good talk about what sort of person he wants to become in the long run -- at other times-- is also important.

Treat it like a mistake. Don't overblow it but don't blow it off, either.

I'm sure tons of parents can relate.

The phone is "hers" not just because she pays for it, but because he is a minor. Case closed. Ideally she has told him she monitors stuff on his phone and computer, but if she hasn't, it doesn't matter. Same thing with his room - it's hers. Ideally she can give him a fair amount of privacy, but hell, if she finds drugs or girls in there, it's fair game. I think we knock before we enter our teens' rooms and all that, but we have to act for their welfare and safety whether they like it or not. It makes sense parentally, and it certainly makes sense legally. She's responsible and she doesn't get to say "I didn't have any idea." If drinking was done at her house or elsewhere, she's responsible.

So, whether the photo is staged or not, it's "public" - it's on his phone so one has to assume it's on someone else's phone, if not the entire internet.

So I say she should sit down with her kid and say, "Here's what happened, and here's what I know. Here are my questions. Do you have anything to say?" Then, without yelling or talking about her (or his) reputation in town, she talks about choices, decisions, peer pressure, perceptions, etc. Mostly, she should get him to talk. But if someone else provided the liquor (or just the bottle), her questions should be - What was your objective? Why did you do it? Moreover, why did you photograph it? What do you think could happen if this gets out (and let's assume it did, or it will)? How do you make decisions? What consequences did you consider (or not)?

School rules, athletic rules, and more, are at stake. I think she should do little talking up front, take in what he says, and then talk about consequences. The part of the teen brain that predicts consequences doesn't develop until well past the teen years - about age 25.

I think she should not make a rash decision based on his answers - I think there should be dialogue, and a willingness to take time to consider what to do. Short term, she should take his phone while she thinks it through. She can always implement a punishment/consequence , but it should be after thorough consideration not done in the heat of the moment. But I wouldn't give him a total pass on this, not at all.

My kid had to make a tough phone call to my husband and me from college, after he got picked up for walking drunk (no kidding - not driving drunk, just weaving all over campus). And he had to talk to his track coach. It was an educational and eye-opening experience for all of us. So she should know many of us have been there, but this is an opportunity to build a bond with her kid that she didn't have before - it's hard, but it can work out.

I might print out a large copy of the picture, show it to him and state "We need to talk.".

As a parent of 3 teens, and hearing the stories of other kids at school, I would say she should talk to him about it. Honestly and openly. Nothing to put him on defense, just let him know and ask him to tell her about it. Really, it does not matter how she found the picture. The fact is there is a photo that could show something may have happened. It is of course very possible that nothing happened and all was for show. My older brother once got under the covers--both rolled their pants legs up to their knees--with a friend and my sister took a picture. It was goofing off and nothing happened. So this is nothing new.

Unfortunately, drinking in HS is a big issue and it happens a lot more than we like to believe---"not my kid".

I've been in this situation. We moved from California to Georgia. My oldest son was NOT happy about the change, started hanging out with the wrong crowd and got in trouble. It was worse than this because the police were involved.

Luckily for my son, it wasn't the end of the road. He was given a second chance. We found a family counselor and started going. Tyler and I thought we were not going to be "those" parents! Oops! We were wrong. I can tell your friend there is hope.

She needs to have an honest conversation with him. She needs to tell him what she knows and give him a chance to explain himself and his actions. Then they need to have a plan on how to change the behavior. It will NOT be easy. If these boys have known each other a long time? It will mean having a discussion with the other boy's parents as well and making sure the boys don't have a chance to be idle. If he's involved in sports? Get the coach involved for more practices or another sport?

make sure he's not given an opportunity to be home alone for any long period of time.

I hope she's already had the sex talk with him and it's an ongoing talk. Kids still think they are invincible. It only takes one stupid decision to prove they aren't. I can tell you that my son knows he's not invincible now. It was a long road, we walk it together.

tough situation.
i'd be very upfront with him. 'i found this on your phone, and am very perturbed. i'd like you to tell me what's going on here.'
and then really listen, and try not to make assumptions.
but i'd take a very dim view of it, and would need to keep myself in check.
ETA i have to add that i just hate everything about tadpole's response- the 'teasing', the coarsening of the view of sex and of women, and the attempt to set him up. there's nothing that's honest or helpful about that approach.
khairete
S.

How did she "find" a picture of him? I guess if it were me I would speak to him directly...hey, I saw a pic of you in a compromising position with your girlfriend and alcohol. What was going on? And take it from there. I would also not leave him alone anymore.

How did she find the picture? Was she snooping in his stuff or was it somewhere that she would normally come across it? If she was snooping then she should let him know that she found the picture and talk about it with him. If it was somewhere she would normally come across it'll make it a little easier to talk about it. She does need to have a talk about drinking, sex, posting pictures in various stages of undress, etc. If she doesn't he's going to end up getting kicked off sports teams for drinking. He could also find himself a teenage father supporting a child for 18 yrs after he and his girlfriend are no longer together.

Good kids can make bad choices. In my town athletes tend to be the heavy drinkers who walk on water at the high school because they are athletes. Tell your friend that she's a mom not a friend and she needs to talk with out and make her points instead of saying its kids being kids.

asking him about what happened is a great start. and like the ladies said, I agree - this is a breach of trust and he needs to deal with appropriate consequences - no being there alone with a girl, phone monitoring, tighter restrictions in general - whatever she feels is appropriate. but she is off to a great start, not wanting to fly off the handle at him. it's a pivotal moment in their relationship, so overreacting isn't going to help her. he knows it was wrong. hopefully he'll be suitably mortified and ashamed that he got busted by his mom. good luck to her!

Ugh, that does suck.

She needs to have the alcohol, drugs, and sex convo with him NOW. She needs to be honest with him and tell him what she found, let him know she's disappointed, and talk about it. She needs to decide what she wants to do as far as punishment BEFORE she talks to him. She also needs to let the girl's mom know. I would be livid if someone had that information on my kid and didn't tell me.

I have to ask - why did she think it was a good idea to leave her 14 year old son and his girlfriend alone at home at any point? That's prime age for kids experimenting now and especially after a dance - that was her first big mistake.

I can also tell you that private schools are where kids know to go to get drugs and alcohol. I saw hard core drugs when I was in 7th grade, the one year I went to private school. Around here, the high school is where the kids go for what they want - the private one.

My kids know all too well about drugs and alcohol at their young ages, they have seen the damage it does to people and to families. I hope and pray that they remember watching some of the people they love going through hard times when they are faced with the choice.

She definitely needs to sit him down for a conversation. I also think she needs to implement a rule that no girls are allowed over unless she is home. Then she needs to plan to stay home while the girl is there.

Explain to him that the photo could be very harmful. Like others have said, he could get kicked off his sports teams for drinking. If it's on the internet, then any future employers and school admittance offices will have access to it. Many employers and school admittance offices search social media posts about/by applicants. Also, the girl may end up with a reputation that neither one of them want her to have.

I would have the sex talk and the alcohol talk. I would also consider some punishment because he broke rules he knew he should not break, but it would not be overly harsh.

I like the very open-ended way to start the discussion that AZneomom mentions below: Mom shows him the picture and simply and directly says, "What's going on?" without preface, lecture, yellling, anything but cool detachment. How he reacts in those first moments will tell his mom a lot, if she's good at reading him. Is he defensive? Embarrassed? Sheepish? Angry (At her for finding the photo? At himself for being dumb in his actions? Or just angry at himself for getting caught?). Mom needs to be ready to read his reactions and ask non-judgmental questions rather than make statements herself, at the start.

But non-judgmental questions to establish what he did does not mean mom treats this as nothing. I have a 14-year-old girl. If I found a photo similar to this one, with her in it, I would listen to her and hear her out but also would be clear that it is illegal for a kid that age to possess alcohol (whether they drink it or not, and let's be honest, you have to figure they don't have the bottle there for show), and that sitting around with a shirtless boy with alcohol in the picture -- either because they forgot to move the bottle or as a photographic brag to show they had alcohol -- is not on. I would also have to ask her if they were having sex or otherwise were physically involved, because alcohol and hormones together are going to lead places where she is not ready to go. Like motherhood or abortion or disease.

The mom trusted her son. The picture indicates she cannot trust him as much as she had thought she could (unless he can convince her there is some totally innocent reason behind the picture, but she knows there's not).. She needs to tell him how this violates her trust in him. So he needs to lose privileges and then earn them, and her trust, back. Only she knows what he should lose and for how long. I hope she tells the girl's parents too because I would want to know about this picture if that were my daughter, so I could deal with her just as that mom must deal with her son.

If this photo was posted on social media, that is an aspect she'll have to deal with as well. Kids still do not realize that photos posted online, on Instagram or whatever, can have an eternal life even IF they think they have erased them. If his mom could find this photo on social media, so can the girl's parents, his friends' parents, his teachers, principal and coaches. on some teams, that photo could get him suspended from or even thrown off of his sports teams no matter how he explains the picture. I would tell him that (again--assuming here it was somewhere electronic and not an actual photo lying around the house) and be clear that these things live on even if you think they don't, and they will come back to bite you.

i would ask him how homecoming went, what he and his girl ended up doing that whole day, and TEASINGLY ask if he got lucky with her after drinking.(ask that question jokingly and have it be the last question) if he tells all before the teasing question the you have got your answer. but if he has lied and squirms trying to hide truth (he will probably be embarrased wither way) about getting lucky then you would want to ask for explanation of the evidence.