Feeling Hopeless - Los Angeles,CA

I beg to differ with Mamazita. Technology, like all things, can be a bad thing when there is no balance. If I allowed it, my son would play video games non-stop all day, every day, to the detriment of getting fresh air, exercise, reading, playing an instrument, etc etc. I only allow an hour a day as well, and even that gets to be too much sometimes during the school year, when we have other activities going on. I can assure you that his "passion" is not being stifled. You're doing a great job. Stick to your guns; you know what is best for your own son:)

My son would be on video games all day every day if I let him. He gets really mad when I limit his time. At first. Until I introduce him to something he's never tried before - model building, sudoku, a new song on the piano... My daughter limits her own time, choosing a wide variety of hobbies. I look at time not as something you spend but rather something you invest. The time you invest should have something to show for it at the end, and that can be true even of the way you relax. Most video games, to me, are simply brain candy with little return on the investment. They aren't bad, but the kid is alone and doing the same thing over and over. Unlike board games, where at least there are social components, or sports, where there is physical exercise, or reading or puzzles or crafts, art, music ... All of which have obvious payoffs of the investments of that time. I believe even free time should be invested thoughtfully and diversely. It's the diversity of experience that creates a rich and interesting adult. And you can't discover a new passion if you're always doing the same thing. So yes, we limit screen time. We rarely do screen time during the week - there's just too much going on. On the weekends, they might watch a movie or play video games and often it'll be Minecraft where at least they are building and together on a server so they're interacting or they work together to create stop motion animation with their 3DS.

Don't be hard on yourself.parenting is not for the weak! It's exhausting and challenging. Just stay the course and trust that you know what is best. And don't cave to "everyone else is doing it" or you'll have real problems in the future. I tell my kids that argument will only ensure it's my way with no debate. I might be willing to listen to a well reasoned argument, but "because everyone else is doing it" will never fly.

You're doing just fine.

And by the way, yes, one complaint when it's time to be done and the DS is mine.

Eta: in mamazita's case, where her son is incorporating his gaming experience in his adult life and career, that's a definite win and return on the investment. My nephew, who should be a junior in college this year, lives with his mother (a single mom), has dropped out of community college, and can't hold down a job. Guess how he spends his day. All day, every day. His gaming investment has led to stagnation and reclusivity, not a career. This was how he grew up - playing games to escape life - it did not turn into skills or direction. You are there to help mold that direction if it's truly his passion, but at 8 years old, there is a whole world to experience. You don't want him to miss it.

If you are a mean Mom, then you are doing a great job. Stuck to your guns and you will raise an amazing young man. Kids need boundaries. You are doing great. Be proud of yourself.

I do not agree with Mamazita at all. Screen time definitely needs to be limited.

Hang in there. No, you are not the only parent whose son gets mouthy and back-talks around that age. It's pretty normal, actually. Try not to take it personally.
I think an hour a day is plenty. Our kids didn't even have an Xbox at that age... so it helped for it not to be an option at all. He did get a DSlite around that time. And he spent time on it in the car a lot, but not so much at home.

Maybe you could give him some options about how to apportion his 1 hour a day, though? That's 7 hours a week. What if he skipped playing a day, then could have 2 hours a different day, maybe on the weekends?

Or, you could say he could only play up until a certain hour of the day... not before 6, or something. Then he would almost be forced into other activities... playing outside, riding his bike, skateboard, whatever.

I don't know if those are anything you want to try, but at least it's an option if you want to try something different.

I'm sure it is hard to not have back-up. I get that. It was hard even having back-up, some days. So don't think it is because of anything you are doing (or not doing).
Does he have chores assigned? Taking out the kitchen/bathroom trash? Emptying the dishwasher? Folding towels? Maybe if you make him a list he can earn time on his activity of choice by doing them without you prompting him to do them? Sort of like a sticker chart, but more grown up. ;) He could put the date next to when he performed the task, and you can assign each task (make a bunch to choose from!) a minute value. Scrubbing the toilet? 10 minutes?

Cleaning/wiping the table after dinner? 5 minutes?

Then he could have his hour on school days, and then on Fri/Sat/Sun he could also use his extra time he has earned as he chooses.

It might help him recognize that he needs to contribute to the household he is a part of (which he can and should by age 8) and it will give him some power and control about how much time he can play.

Good luck. Boys really do need a man's leadership starting around this age, to learn how to treat women. Having a man remind them to be respectful to mom really helps. Is there anyone else who might be able to step in a little to do this with him? An uncle, a friend's spouse, a coach, someone from church?

Don't feel like you are failing. You are not. You are succeeding. You are reaching out for help with the hard stuff. And it is hard. No doubt about it. But all boys get mouthy at their moms to some degree as they grow up. It's them starting to assert their "manliness" and independence. It's part of it. And he's not a little guy any more. From here on out they just grow faster and faster and then one day you look over and there is a man standing where your little boy once was. And he's taller than you. And he has to lean down to give you hugs. So starting to try to separate himself and throw off the restraints of childhood... it's part of growing up.

Not such a fun part for us parents.

Don't feel badly. You'll both get through it. And don't fall for the "everybody else is doing it" nonsense. Everybody else is never doing it, either, usually just one outlier that the everybodies use as their example. LOL

There's nothing wrong with limiting his screen time.
He's got his whole life to sit in front of a computer - his childhood is his chance to run outside and play.
Tantrums in an 8 yr old I wouldn't tolerate.
If a kid of mine is telling me I'm mean - I'd be telling him he has NO IDEA what 'mean' really means and if he really wants to push it I could show him by taking his Xbox away for a week.
He needs to be grateful for the time he gets and he's not earning his screen time with good behavior if he's throwing tantrums.
Anyone who pulls the 'everyone else is doing it' card in our house automatically loses the argument.
I'm not 'everyone else' - and our son knows it.

T.,

When your kids say "I hate you" or "you are the meanest mom EVER"??? you are doing your job in PARENTING.

my kids do NOT get the XBOX during the school year (even summer) until homework is done. During the summer - they need to read or do math - something to keep their brains working...and they MUST go outside...

His words are hurting you because you are allowing them too. I'm sorry. This is where you need to toughen up mom. Your house. Your rules. Do you want to compromise? Then fine...after all of your homework and chores are done? You may play until bedtime....caveat - must be done CORRECTLY - not haphazardly.

You WILL get through this. You need some time to yourself. So please find a girlfriend that you can go out with and BREATHE!!!! You need to be T. sometimes too....

When she was growing up, my kid got to do some things other kids weren't allowed to do. When that happened, she thought I was the greatest mom in the world.
She was not allowed to do some things that her friends were allowed to do. When that happened, she thought I was the Wicked Witch of the West.
It's called being a parent. Your kids will love you sometimes and hate you sometimes. That's how you know you're doing it right.
If it's any consolation to you, she's grown now and tells me that she's glad she was raised the way I raised her.

Yes all kids test test test to see if they can get you to change your mind. If you are tired of back-talk, you might try taking away more of the game time as a consequence.

For example: you: Your game time is done today.
Him: no I want to keep playing!
You: if you can't speak nicely to me and follow the rules you will lose your game time tomorrow.
Him: You are mean. That's not fair.
You: Oh I guess you don't want to play tomorrow. (As you pack up the controllers and lock them in your room for 24 hours).
(The first time you do this, he will undoubtedly throw a huge fit. But if you stay strong and follow through, you may cut down on the back talk in the long run)

And, for the record, I have an 8 year old too and I think your rule is totally reasonable. The rule in my house is similar.

You're doing fine. You're NOT the only one going through this. ALL kids play the "you're a mean mom" card at some point. It's totally normal. Although my son has full control of his time and what he does with it NOW (he's 16), when he was 8, you can bet his screen time was limited. And he fought it and I held steady. You're NOT a mean mom and your son actually knows this. It's his job to push the boundaries and it's your job to hold them steady.

I know VERY few children who immediately say "OK Mommy". I certainly don't have those kids. But when they disobey, it gives you the opportunity to teach WHY it's a "NO" and it gives kids the opportunity to take that "NO" and eventually, hopefully, actually learn the reasoning behind the "NO". If children blindly obey all the time, they don't really internalize the boundaries for themselves. They just learn to follow directions without questioning...NOT a great life lesson in my opinion.

For what it's worth, I once received a note from my daughter that said "You're mean, I hate you, Mommy! Love, Katie" Even in her 'hatred', she signed it "Love, Katie"! LOL. That child, who is now 13, and I have a fantastic relationship and she's a really good kid who I trust and just enjoy immensely. You and your son will be fine, too. Hang in there.

Hi T.,

It sounds like you are overwhelmed and just need some support. Being a good parent isn't always easy, especially when it's just you. I think that's why his words are getting to you. It's your job to put limits in place, and it's his role as a kid to test those limits. You know in your head you're a good mom and that you're doing the right thing for your son, but you are the only one in the home setting those limits and enforcing them when he tests you. Some days are just harder than others when there is no one else there to support you.

So, maybe this isn't as much about video games as it is the natural growth of your son. Today he tests you about video games. In a few years, it will be about driving and curfew.

You are not alone. Parents get tested every day. Your vision of kids saying 'okay mommy' and complying at every request is an overly idealized view of family life. Kids aren't robots. They have thoughts, feelings, and preferences all their own, and sometimes those things are in conflict with what we want them to do. Again, all part of the natural progression of growing up and into his own person.

If you have thoughtfully established your rules and limits and you are open to adjusting those as your son grows, he will ultimately realize that you mean what you say (and that you won't back down just because he calls you mean) and he will respect you for that, even if he doesn't always outwardly agree with you.

Hopefully, you have a circle of friends where you can get some grown-up time and support. It seems like you really need that now, and it can make all the difference.

Best to you and your son

J. F.

it must be very hard to be the only voice of both love and authority in your family. it's constant double duty.
better toughen up. this isn't going to go away. if your child knows he can 'hurt' you by defying you, you are essentially giving away your authority, and since you don't have a hatchet man handy, you really can't do that.
one hour of X box isn't unreasonable. if he has a tantrum, remove it altogether. there's no way an 8 year old should be having tantrums. but don't whine to him about being a single parent, or having your feelings hurt. it's fine to vent here, but make sure that around your son you are calm and that your boundaries are firm. and if that makes you 'mean', so be it.
khairete
S.

I agree with the majority here.
At 8? He lacks the self control to limit himself.
And unless you've been living under a rock, you've aware of the ill effects of gaming too much/too long.
You're right.
He's wrong.
Hold your ground.
IF you think it would be motivating, he can have daily chores for "extra" time. BUT O. very good rule is no video games after x:00.
It keys them up and overstimulates them before bedtime.

I have "OK mommy" kids, but that's because I was even meaner in the past ;-) My kids don't really get to play during the week at all. There are so many after school activities that there's not a lot of excessive extra time. They are not allowed to play until homework is done. But with spelling tests to study for and vocab tests, etc even if written homework is done, there's still studying and reading. But, they will play a lot on weekends. However, if there is any fighting over the video game, any crying, anything other than OK mommy when I say it's time to get off, then I take every single one of those remote controls and they won't see them for a few weeks. You can bet after I did that a few times, I only get "OK mommy" now ;-)

As far as the mean mom thing - I also got that once from my oldest. It didn't really bother me, but I wasn't going to have the disrespect. He thought I was so mean and made him do everything in the house so I stopped doing anything for a weekend. There was no driving to friend's houses, no making of meals, no clean clothes, no serving drinks, no buying food he liked in the grocery store. I ended up getting an apology (which I wasn't really looking for - I was mainly trying to illustrate all of the things that I did and he was taking for granted) and never heard anything like that from him again. To this day, years later, he still makes the effort to help in the little ways - bringing groceries in, helping siblings get drinks, etc - so I guess the lesson stuck. Sometimes parents have to be mean in order to make it to the other side of the sunshine/rainbows/good behavior.

Ha! My children would never get off the iPads and computer if I didn't make them. They get so engrossed and addicted that they would forgo the good stuff in life like family meals, going to the beach and playing with each other. I have to limit their time. I also find it creates arguments among them, and they get really mad when their turn is up. It's like a bad drug. I notice that the less time gaming, the more creative and cooperative their interactions are.

So, no, you are not alone!

Okay mom. Time to get tough. And time to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Your son is playing you. He knows you're not really mean. He is too immature to realize that he is hurting you. Instead, he's using this to try to get what he wants.

If you have any smarts at all (and I know that you do) time to take the reins. After he's asleep tonight, get that x-box and pack it away. Tomorrow when he realizes it's gone and demands it, tell him that it's out of his life for as long as it takes for him to realize that talking ugly to you is unacceptable behavior. That if he values playing electronics, he will remember that you do not care one wit what his friends do. You are not THEIR mother. You are his mother and you hold the keys to whether or not he ever sees that x-box.

He will try to break you. He'll start again. Then you pick up a piece of paper and write down and say "That remark loses you a full day." He'll make another remark or start yelling. "That's another day." He'll yell "How many days until I get it back?" And you'll say "That's another day." And you KEEP IT UP with STEELY-EYED determination until he shuts his eight year old mouth.

Do not have ANY more discussion with him. He has to stop talking about the x-box with you, period, for him to get it back. When he has changed his tune and straightened out his attitude, when you HAVE docked every single day that you promised him that you would dock, THEN tell him that he can earn back x amount of time on the x-box by doing his chores and homework. And he may play no more than x amount of time, x amount of days per week. And if he even ONCE argues with you over how much time that is, you will take the xbox away AGAIN.

You had BETTER get ahold of this now if you don't want his attitude permeating ever thing in your home. And if you think this has one single solitary thing to do with you being a single mom, you are sadly mistaken. This is a kid trying to jack a parent around to get what he wants. You are the adult. BE the adult and put this little whipper snapper in his place. It applies to watching TV, playing outside with his friends, any and everything. Being a smart mouth and showing bad behavior gets a negative consequence, mama. Every single time.

Be strong! You can do it!!

We back you up.

"I know I'm mean, son, that's my job. Love you. Now go find something else to do."

His words hurt you because it's normal for these words to hurt when we do so much for our kids and love them so much. However, you are doing the right thing. You will probably hear worse things from your son before this parenting thing is over with, and it sucks, but keep on doing the good job you are doing.

And if he gets too sassy, give him a consequence, such as take the game away completely for three days.

One day, he will grow up, and he will thank you. It might be a wait, but it will happen.

p.s. Most kids don't happily say, "OK Mommy."

Keep up the good work!

p.p.s. One thing you could do is allow him one special day on the weekend, where he gets to game his heart out, or at least game for a few hours. I think that's fair, if he's doing his schoolwork etc.

Both my grown boys are gamers but at 8, they did lots of other things, and were not allowed to spend the amount of time they do now. It is our job as parents to give them a wide foundation, and then they get to narrow their activities as they choose once they are adults.

We ALL have these days whether or not we admit them. Be easy on yourself. Don't worry about him saying your "mean". Every kid since creation has pulled that one.

Regarding the "no Dad" thing...he really needs a positive male role model. Anyone that could step in there? He's getting the age that he needs one desperately.

I am a single mom too and I don't allow my daughter to play games or watch tv past certain time. You are the parent so your rules are your rules. My daughter uses that excuse that other kids get to do it. I tell her this is my house, my rules and you are my daughter so I don't care what happens at your friends houses. I also tell her that sometimes kids don't tell the whole truth so they may not be playing or watching tv or staying up late like they say they are.

I totally disagree with Mamazita. Gaming is not who your son is its an activity. It's not like you don't let him play you just limit the time he plays and that is your right as his mother.

Don't be sorry for asking questions continue to ask them. You will get responses that are out there as well as good responses. Don't let you son or anyone else change you views.

Don't let you son's words get to you. He is just trying to get his way. I tell my daughter Mommy's way is the only way even though that's not true most of the time. :) It sounds like you are doing a good job so keep it up. You are in charge not your son. Good luck!!!

You are doing the right thing, keep strong!
http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/singletons/201409/are-s...

You're doing fine. Just because something is "not a bad thing"-Mamazita does not mean it's appropriate to do for hours on end without limits. Masturbation is not a bad thing, however if your kid was masturbating for hours every day that would be a problem and you would address it.

You feel bad because words have the power to hurt. So use this as a teaching moment with him. This is a good opportunity to learn about the power of words. When you are both calm discuss what he said and tell him it hurt you feelings. The counselors used the crumpled paper analogy to teach this at my kids school; crumple a piece of paper then try to smooth it out, notice there are still marks, words are the same, the marks are still there even if you apologize (smooth it out).

First, I was raised by a single mom. Once I became a parent (with a husband to help) I really understood just how difficult my mom's job was. You sound like you are doing the best you can (aren't we all) and sometimes moms really struggle. All of us do.

I am a teacher and I think it is a good idea to limit the video game time, not because they are "bad" but because a kid this age also needs to be outdoors and reading and just being a kid. I will suggest that it is a good idea to suggest an activity that the two of you will do together once the video time is up. Make it a fun thing, like a board game you can play together or skateboarding or anything fun that you both like. Kids crave time with their parents at this age, but the lure of the video game can really dull that desire to be with people. You also might want to try playing a video game with him...he can be the teacher and it can be something you do together. Good luck!

You're doing a good job and you aren't failing. Single parenting is HARD. I know, I did it too.

Fact is, he's 8. Kids need limits and boundaries, but that doesn't mean they're going to like them.

Here's a thought: Change things up a bit. Instead of 1 hour per day, limit the xbox to the weekends only, but only after chores are completely done, and then give him a few hours to play. I found in our house that xbox during the week is not a good thing. We have too much going on. Homework, dinner as a family, preparing for tomorrow, etc. The kids behave like turds when there's xbox during the week. But on the weekend, during normal relax time, when family chores are done, the kids can feel good about having some well-earned game time.

Be sure he's not just doing "his" chores, but has helped you with a household chore, so he is invested in FAMILY, and not just "me, me, me." The world doesn't revolve around him, and you shouldn't have to do all the work. He can and ought to help out. In the same way that you have to work before you can play, he should too.

Keep up the good work, Mama. ♥

First of all there is not a family out there anywhere on this green earth where a child says "OK mommy" and just turns off the video game. That has never happened. Video games are designed to be highly addictive. The creators of the games know this, they've studied what makes them addicitve and hwo to make them more. The levels to attain, how you have to start over at the beginning of the level when you're just one item short of making the goal, the excitement and gratification of making that next level, etc. So your child will be upset when you tell him it's time to turn it off. He will tell you all his friends get to play for hours and hours. And for some kids that may be accurate. But for many it's just not true. But to be fair - give him a time and set it up so he can see how much time he has left. If he's thisfar from making it to the next level it can be really frustrating to turn it off on the button. Maybe there can be occasions where he gets 10 mintues of grace if he's at that place.

There are plenty of things we require of our kids that they do not like. Going to bed, taking a bath, homework, learning to take on greater responsibility as they get older, etc. That doesn't include the ways we keep them from danger (don't touch the stove, don't get in the car with a drunk driver, don't run across the street until you look both way, etc.) All of those things are times when mom must be "mean".

Being a "mean mom" in this instance is a badge of honor. You're just not doing your job unless your kids get upset with your rules from time to time. Far better that he learns about your rules, boundaries and hears the word "No" at age 8 - so when he's 15 and wants to go to some party that you just know he shouldn't go to he's not hearing the word no for the first time. You love your son. Saying no is part of your job.

My kids used to say "you always say no". For the record I did not always say no. I went out of my way to find things I could say yes to (can I cut my hair in some crazy fashion? yes (it'll grow back). Can I get this hideous looking get up? yes (boobs and butt are well covered). Can Charlie sleep over yes - (even though he's obnoxious) so when i said no to a party where I couldn't get a straigh answer about parents, alcohol, etc I could easily say no.

You sound like a great mom to me. Being a single mom is really tough. My mom was one and she was amazing. Find a good church - a lot of them have all kinds of support for single parent families. our church not only has small groups of single moms - but they have groups where men mentor young men in these kinds of families. It's all done in very safe environments - these are guys whose sons have grown up and out, or they're men who have daughters - and they go and do repairs at senior's homes an teach the boys how to do repairs, or they take a group of guys to a camp for underpriviledge kids in the Spring to do all the repairs that need to be done before the season so the boys learn how to paint, drive a nail, patch a roof - and then the group will have a bonfire at night and do goofy guy stuff (fart and bust eachother's chops, tell scary stories, etc...)

When your son is grown up he will hold you in high honor for being his mom and dad. I know becuase that's how we were with my mom. As we got older we realized how much she sacrificed for us - and we returned that as she got older. She spend her final years, weeks and days surrounded by her kids and grandkids who loved her. So may it be for you. Look up Jeremiah 29:11 & 12 for encouragement. God cares about the details of your life.

My girls are grown, but I was what you'd call a strict but loving mom. I agree with what you are doing. I'm afraid that children today are never being told no, so they do not know what to do when they grow up and something doesn't go their way. They need to know how to handle disappointment. It starts with the discipline they get at home. I know their words can hurt, but they don't really mean it. He still loves you. You'll hear a lot more of that as he grows up, but please stick to your guns. You are being wise. Stay strong. The discipline that I found worked best for my girls was taking away whatever they loved the most. For one of them, it was the phone, for another, she hated time in her room. And now that they are grown, they are wonderful girls.

Not quite sure why, but I can't see the other answers you've had. What you need to know, however, is that far from being alone in this, it's something most of us are having to manage. These games are compulsive and they make it very hard for the child to let go. One tool that helps is to have your son set a timer and be responsible for stopping himself - if he doesn't stop when the timer goes off today, he loses his game time tomorrow. Keep up the good work with limiting the amount of time he spends on them, and keep him busy with as much active outdoor play/sport as you can and as many responsibilities at home as fit his age. We only allow computer games at the weekend (2 hours max each day), and I would be perfectly happy if we banished them from the house altogether, but I do understand that children want/need to fit in with their friends. You can also make the games dependent on good behavior - game time must be earned. It can help with discipline generally. I would ignore the stories of the friends who get more game time - your standards and values are your own and they sound great to me. Children need you to be in control, to set boundaries, to make them feel secure. Sounds like you're doing a great job.

I'm sorry I just don't get it. Your son is your #1 priority and yet you limit his passion?
My son, and husband, LOVE video games. Both have played them all of their lives.
Husband is super successful, and an amazing dad and provider.
Son is 21, a college junior, and an all around amazing kid and person. He is a computer science major, teaches gaming/coding to younger students, and is the tech guru in this house.
Personally I haven't enjoyed gaming since 1983 or 4, but clearly it works for the men in my life.
Why do you have such an issue with this?
Let your son be who he is, for Pete's sake, technology is NOT A BAD THING!!!

You have two issues here. First, you give him time for video games, and he should be earning that time. Second, with only an hour to play, many games are right in the middle of a story or event of some kind, it would be like making you leave a movie early, does that make sense?

My kids have a list of chores and they can do to earn up to 2 hours a day of PS3 time doing them. Generally, they earn twice the amount of time spent on the chore. Once he is in control of his own playing time, he will adhere to it with less arguing.

He's giving you a hard time because he sees you are in control and this is an age where they compare other parents to you. He has the ability to reason, though, so use that when talking to him about it. This is not an emotional issue, it's a practical one, so approach it that way. Health and safety are the two things I have full authority over at my house, the rest is pretty much negotiable. I hope that helps, I understand how much it hurts to hear your child say mean things to you, but he is testing boundaries and still needs to know you love him. We have a rule, you can feel anything you want, but you cannot say anything or behave any way you want.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Remember it's just a moment in time.
Most moms have moments where they are tired, wonder if they are doing
the right thing etc.
It is good to have limits & boundaries. Don't take his xBox away. Limit the
the time he has on it like you have.
He shouldn't be punished (taking the xBox away) because he said something. I am a good person, my parents raised me to be a good person w/morals & values (more than I've seen in a lot of other ppl) but they never took something away indefinitely. They set parameters. They
tought me WITHIN those limits. I learned. I've taken those lessons & passed them onto my kids.
Am I a perfect parent? No, I have my moments but I like my child to have
limits, boundaries, rewards, a few chores, fun times, good memories etc.
It can all be done. It's just a matter of finding the right balace.
Maybe reintroduce (let him have it back for 1 hr a day as you were) after
a week.
I said a few things to my parents (and they are awesome ppl) that I now
have the presence of mind (being grown up) to wish I hadn't said. They
didn't punish me indefinitely (taking the xbox away) but set limits.
You can do it.
Every child should have a little fun.
Just like every mom should have a little down time or a little fun.
What you are doing is a hard job (being a mom all on your own) but you
sound like you are a good person & want the best for your child.
Not every household has 2 parents but that's okay. One good parent is
better than 2 bad ones or 1 bad one.
You love your child & you'll do the best for him.
Take some time for yourself to re-enrgize your batteries (quiet time when
he is at school, meeting up w/a friend for coffee, taking a long walk by
yourself in the day time etc.).
Hang in there! :)

Yes you get to make the rules.

Our rules are that you get a half hour on the computer. Then it goes off with the kids account timer.

To earn more time there is a list of things they can do to earn more time.

I get a little kid begging me to make them work and they get more time.

The list has a lot of items on it.

Put all dirty clothes in your hamper

Clean the litter box

Gather all the trash in the house and put it in the big trash can outside

Run the vacuum

Sweep the kitchen

Clean the toilets in both kids bathrooms

Pick up toys in your room and put them up

and more, everything I can think of can be on this list.

During the school year the computer kids accounts are set at specific times of the day. He gets from 4-6 and she gets 6-8. They get a 15 minute warning then a 5 minute warning then a 1 minute warning. Then it logs them off and they can't get back on until the next day at their assigned times. Unless one of us goes on their account and puts in a password and we get to pick the amount of time their logged on again. For instance, it has 15 minutes, 30 minutes, 45 minutes, 1 hour. Then we click what they've earned and they play.

The kids play computer games for kids, not adult games by any means. They also have hand held games they play and those do not leave the house except when we're traveling and then they don't leave the vehicle. That way they don't go outside to be dropped and lost or broken. Their tablets both broke, one due to sneaking it outside and the other one because her screen got a crack in it. Just happened and not due to misuse.

What does he do with the rest of his time? Sit in front of the TV? Go to his room? Sit and sulk?...lol. It makes a difference. If he goes straight over and turns on the TV for the rest of the evening then what is the big deal about the games. If he goes outside and plays with friends then of course he needs to do that if it's safe outside and he's not being around future delinquents. Most of us have good neighbors and live in places we feel safe, or we find a way to move, so I'm just wondering what he does when he's not on the games.

I watch TV, read, sew, manage some FB pages for businesses, work part time jobs, and do crafts when I'm wanting down time. And yes, I have the TV on all the time. Even when I'm on the computer.

If someone tried to limit the amount of time I have the TV on just because it was better for me I'd pretty much hate them too, even if they were right.

It's our job to help our kids have full and fruitful lives, to grow up and be good citizens in their community.

I think you can weigh what we've all said and decide if you still think an hour is adequate. If you still feel it's enough then sit him down and have a talk with him. Tell him you've thought and thought about it and still feel it's enough. If you think you can give him so leeway and allow more time tell him you'll let him earn more time and show him where you've posted the list and exactly what "DO" means and what will be required to mean "it's done". This way he fully understands if he doesn't do it the way it's supposed to be done he doesn't get credit.

One thing that allowing them to do extra things to earn more time is got them to really think about how much they want to play. If they were playing a game with friends and the game is going well and they get logged off....well, they have a big incentive to do something quick so they can get back on.

BUT if they were just playing and having a good time then get logged off, sometimes they think about it and decide they would rather go outside or go watch TV or something else because they really don't want to do chores.

Win win to me.

A little late, but being a single mom, I wanted to encourage you. You are doing good and doing the right thing. Your job is not to be your kid's friend. It's to be his parent. You are doing that. Go Mom! It's not always easy and some days it's darn hard to be the only parent and have no one to bounce things off of and tell you you're ok when your kid tells you you're not, but you also made a good choice and you don't have to fight with someone who is undermining what you say and want for your child. As hard as it is for us single parents, sometimes it's harder to have someone around who doesn't support you or pitch in. We single moms know we can depend on ourselves. If something doesn't get done or gets done, that's all us. (And on that note, it's also ok for some things to go undone some days!) We can't do it all and we aren't perfect, but we are here for each other and our kids and that's enough. You are doing good!
As a side note, if your son doesn't have a male in his life (your dad, an uncle, etc.) that can be a positive roll model, you might look into Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Several of the people in my office mentor kids through this program and they have been amazing in the kids' lives.
Keep your chin up. It sounds like you are doing a great job and you are being your son's mom. Keep up the good fight.